Her Orders Stand

| Pueblo, CO, USA | Siblings

(My family and I are in a restaurant waiting to be seated. Everyone but me is sitting and my mom just told my younger sister to give her seat to an older woman who just arrived. Note that my older sister and her husband both just had surgery and everyone is tired from doing errands all day.)

Mom: “Let that lady sit.” *the lady leaves as my sister goes to stand* “Never mind.”

Me: *to younger sister* “You’re the only one here who hasn’t had surgery or isn’t old.”

Older Sister: *to me* “What’s your excuse?!”

Me: “I’m already standing!”

(Cue us laughing for her little “blond” moment.)

His Attempts At Attention Are Laughable

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Children, Siblings

(My mom and I are sitting in the living room watching the news. My younger brother is up front in the sitting room playing on his computer.)

Brother: “HYUK HYUK HYUK!” *closest imitation of this weird laugh he did*

Me: “What the h***, kid?”

Mom: “That’s his ‘It’s not really all that funny, but I want you to know I found it kind of funny’ laugh.”

Brother: *completely oblivious to our conversation* “HYUK HYUK HAHAHAHAHA HEE HEE HEE!”

Mom: “That’s a combination laugh. Part ‘I want attention!’, part ‘This really is funny.’”

Me: “Okaaaay…”

Brother: “Hehehe— oh, nooo— Hahahahahahaha!”

Mom: “Probably watching something like a classic ‘football to the groin’ video.”

The New Boyfriend Went Bust

| IN, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Boyfriends & Girlfriends

(I’m a 12-year-old girl. My aunt and her now ex-boyfriend stop by.)

Aunt: *hugs me and whispers* “You’ve got bigger tits than I do!”

(A few minutes later my mom, my aunt, her boyfriend, and I are all in the living room. I’m playing on my tablet when suddenly:)

Aunt’s Boyfriend: *to me* “So, what does your father think of your new boobs?”

Don’t Judge Her TV Habits

| OK, USA | Non-Dialogue, Sons & Daughters

My adult daughter has special needs and is not very vocal. After she turns 18, I go to court to become her legal guardian so I can continue to make medical and legal decisions for her. I explain where we are going. She’s never been in a courtroom before but had seen a few on TV.

The judge is very kind and comes off the bench to shake my daughter’s hand and chat.

Everything goes smoothly, but just as we are leaving, the thing I semi-feared happens.

As we reach the door, my daughter turns around and shouts: “Thanks, Judge Judy!”

The judge laughed, as did everyone in the courtroom.

Would Rather Face Up To The Cost

| NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

(It’s the late 1980s. I am discussing with my mother that I may delay buying a new car, so that I can wait for them to come equipped with airbags.)

Mom: “Don’t those cost a lot of money?”

Me: “Yeah, about $1,000. But I’d rather spend an extra thousand dollars on an option than spend much more than that rearranging my face after a crash.”

Mom: “Well, it depends on how much you like your face!”

Me: “…”