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Pizza Waits For No Man

| Sweden | Parents & Guardians

(My dad and I are driving down to the south of the country for Christmas. We’re both low and silent due to my mum having passed away recently. The mood is somber until the following conversation takes place. As we pass a tiny hamlet…)

Dad: “Here’s a busy place. It’s got both a gas station AND a pizzeria.”

Me: “Is there even a village in this country that doesn’t have a pizzeria?”

Dad: “Probably not. It’s the unmanned type.”

Me: *not thinking* “What, the pizzeria?”

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An Underage Drinking Story To Make You Laugh

| Madison, WI, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I have my wisdom teeth pulled when I am 17. As soon as they tell me they are using laughing gas I start breathing that in as fast as I can because, well, I am 17. After they take the mask off and wait for me to pass out I start talking to the doctor like a chipmunk on crack.)

Me: “Woo! Good stuff. I’m not really into drugs, I mean I’ve tried a bunch but the side effects never sit well with me so I just don’t do them. I have done whippits though. Awesome! Kind of like this. This is great but I’m more of a drinker. OH! About a month ago I went to a house party where the guy’s parents weren’t home and the cops got called. I walked out the back door and stood by a bush and just watched as these two cops chased around everyone else. They had no clue I was there because luckily I wear all black all the time. Hey, you are really cute for a dentist… How old…”

(And then I realize he is looking over my head at the door. I turn my head and see my mother standing there.)

Me: “How long has she been there? You could–” *whipping my head around back to the dentist* “–warn a girl! You are so not getting my number now.”

(I think I finally blacked out after that. When I woke up I had a mouth full of cotton and kept telling my mom I was excited to eat ice cream. Oddly enough, my mother has never asked me about the underage drinking story I was telling so I think I’m in the clear. It has been 15 years.)

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Snatching Away Your Innocence

| UK | Parents & Guardians

(I am playing Harry Potter Trivial Pursuit with my parents, them rather reluctantly, as I am a massive fan.)

Me: “What does Hermione say after being caught by the snatchers?”

Dad: “Ow, my snatchers!”

(Cue a fit of hysterics from me and Mum.)

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A Leaking Boat

| Chesapeake Bay, MD, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My family has owned a boat for as long as I can remember. It’s a 40 ft, and sleeps my parents and me comfortably. A couple times per year, we take it down to Baltimore’s inner harbor, a ride well over an hour, sometimes closer to three in poor conditions. My mom and I typically go by car while my dad takes the boat and meets us there. We are expecting less than pleasant weather, so I help my dad on the boat this time. Note that I’m female.)

Me: “So, what do you usually do on these trips?”

Dad: “Audio books or music, usually. If I need a snack I slow to a crawl and run downstairs. Usually if I need to piss I’ll just go off the side of the boat. But with you here, you can drive while I go hit the head.”

Me: “Lovely image there, Dad. Guess it’s a good thing I don’t usually do this on my own. Peeing off the side of the boat is harder for us ladies.”

Dad: “Oh, it’s impossible for a lady. But a woman could probably pull it off.”

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Facebook Is Second Cousin To Family Trees

| Belgium | Cousins, Parents & Guardians

(I am teaching my mother how to use Facebook, and am using my account to explain everything.)

Me: “So over here you can see who wants to be your friends, though you only should add people you know.”

Mom: “Why would people add friends they don’t know?”

Me: “I don’t know, because they want to scam them or something? See, here? There is a friend request from someone I have never met or recognize, so I will just ignore her request like so—” *moves mouse to the ignore button*

Mom: “Euhm… [My Name], that’s your cousin.”

Me: “What? I don’t have a cousin called [Name].”

Mom: “Yes, you do; she’s the youngest daughter of [Dad’s Sister]. She is a year older than [Brother]. You guys went to the same primary school.”

Me: “What? I thought she was called [Uncle’s Last Name].”

Mom: “No, he’s not their father. [Aunt]’s first husband is.”

Me: “Ah, I’ll better add her, then, or we won’t hear the end of it at family gatherings.”