He Read About It In A Magazine

| UK | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(I came out as gay a few months ago. While most of my family were fine with it, my dad wasn’t too keen. He wasn’t hostile about it, but he did get this idea in his head that he could “turn me back.” I come home from school one afternoon to find porn magazines on my bed, tailored towards straight men — there was at least £50 worth all laid out. I sneer at them as my dad comes into the room.)

Dad: “So? Has it worked?”

Me: “Yup. I guess I’m straight now. Yum, p***y!”

(My dad didn’t take it well, but I got a good laugh out of the reaction. That was five years ago. We don’t talk much now, but he’s come around a bit since then.)

Relatively Confusing

| UK | Distant Relatives

(I’m sitting in work, minding my own business when the phone rings.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Company].”

Caller: “Afternoon. Can I please speak to [Coworker]?”

Me: “Can I ask who’s calling?”

Caller: “[Caller].” *he doesn’t give a company, unlike most of our callers*

Me: “One moment, please.”

(I call Coworker, who picks up.)

Me: “I’ve got [Caller] for you?”

Coworker: “Who?”

Me: “[Caller].”

Coworker: “No idea. Put him through anyway.”

(I transfer the call and forget about it. Half an hour later, [Coworker] walks through reception to go to lunch.)

Coworker: “Guess who that guy was in the end? He’s a relative that I’ve never met, but he’s doing our family tree. He’s only got my work number from emails.”

Me: “And you didn’t know who it was. Shame on you.”

Coworker: “I was in work mode!”

(I still tease her about how she doesn’t recognize her own family.)

Stay Safe Or Mom Will Give You A Mall-ing

| WA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(While I am away at college, my mom worries about me. I don’t blame her, but she has a poor sense of time and geography.)

Mom: “Are you okay? I heard there was a shooting at your mall.”

Me: “Mom, I’m fine. You left my house just before the shooting. There was no time for me to go to the mall and get shot.”

Mom: “Well, I just wanted to make sure you were safe.”

(Another time:)

Mom: “Please get back to me. There was a shooting at the mall in [Town].”

Me: “I hadn’t heard.”

(I look up today’s news.)

Me: “Mom, the shooting was last year. This was a stabbing.”

Mom: “Either way, I’m glad you’re ok.”

Me: “Thank you for caring. But for the record, I’ve never been to [Town] and have no plans to go. No mall is worth driving over an hour.”

Mom: “Well, I don’t know what you do with your weekends!”

(I know this means that my mom cares, but I wish she could be smarter about when to freak out.)

Snow Chance That’s True

| Sacramento, CA, USA | Spouses & Partners

(It’s winter time. During the course of conversation with my husband, he tells me he’s never played in the snow before. Growing up in Southern CA, this isn’t uncommon, but my family – from Northern CA – is shocked.)

Me: “You’ve really never played in the snow before? Ever, in your whole life?”

Husband: “Nope!”

(So I ask him if he’d like to take a trip up to the mountains for his birthday, to spend an afternoon in the snow, and he excitedly agrees. We make our plans for the trip based on whether he’s done various things, like making snowmen and/or snow angels, having snowball fights, and so on. My husband keeps insisting he’s never done any of it. On the day of the trip, my family, my husband, and I all pile into the SUV together to drive up the mountain…)

Mother: “Wow, [Husband]; I can’t believe you’ve never been to the snow!”

Husband: “Yeah, we just never really went and did stuff like that. It doesn’t snow where I grew up.”

Mother’s Boyfriend: “Man, so you’ve never even been sledding or ANYTHING?”

Husband: “Well, I’ve been sledding before.”

Everyone: “…”

Me: “Wait, if you’ve never been to the snow, how have you been sledding before?”

Husband: “We went sledding in the snow at my aunt’s house during Christmas time!”

Me: “But we’d all been asking you if you’d ever played in the snow before, and you just said you never had!”

Husband: “Well, because it was a long time ago!”

Me: “[Husband], it still counts as playing in the snow even if you hadn’t done it for years.”

Husband: “I dunno. I guess so.”

Charity Isn’t A Charity

| IL, USA | Parents & Guardians

Me: “I found this underwear on clearance, but if you don’t want them or they don’t fit I’ll just give them to charity.”

Mom: “What if she doesn’t want them either?”