April Theme Of The Month: Losing My Religion!

Not Always Related | Announcements, Theme Of The Month
Introducing April’s Theme Of The Month: Losing My Religion!

Entering is easy:

  1. Submit a funny or interesting story about this month’s theme: Losing My Religion. Share a story where your family has had an interesting religious experience!
  2. At the end of the month, we’ll feature our favorite Theme Of The Month stories in a roundup!

Dad Of The Dead

| USA | April Fool's Day, Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Zombies

(My teenage sister and I are in the mall when the zombie apocalypse starts. We have found a safe spot, and are frantically calling our dad to come and pick us up.)

Sister: “Dad, please! You have to come and get us at the mall!”

Dad: “It’s always the same with you and your sister! It’s always ‘I want this’ and ‘I need this.’”

Sister: “But dad! It’s the zombie apocalypse!”

Dad: “Bah! Excuses! In my day we walked!”

(I suddenly have an idea, and grab the phone.)

Me: “Dad, before we went out, [Sister] stole $20 from your wallet.”

Dad: “What?!”

Me: “Yeah, and she used it to buy a tiny bikini.”

Dad: “WHAT?!”

Me: “Also, I forged my report card. I didn’t get all A’s this semester; in fact I failed some of my classes.”

Dad: “You two are sooooo grounded! You’re not allowed to have any more fun today!”

Me: “But we were about to go to the beach to test out our new innapropriate swimwear.”

Dad: “You will most certainly not! You’re at the mall? Wait there and don’t you dare move! I’m coming to get you!” *click*

Sister: “None of those things are true!”

Me: “Yes, but now he’s coming to get us.”

Sister: “But now we’re grounded!”

(Just then, we hear a zombie horde crash through the glass in another part of the mall.)

Me: “Planning on going outside any time soon?”

Sister: “Fair point…”

No Fever, No Problem

| USA | April Fool's Day, Sons & Daughters, Zombies

(I’m a high school student. I just got woken up by my alarm to get ready for school. However, I feel way too sick to do so.)

Me: “Mom, I don’t want to go to school today.”

Mom: “Honey, you have to go to school. No exceptions.”

Me: “I feel too sick.”

Mom: “Are you, now? Are you running a fever?”

Me: “I feel like death. Please don’t make me go to school today.”

Mom: “Let’s see.” *she takes my temperature* “See? Only 70F. You don’t have a fever unless it’s over 100F. You’re perfectly fine.”

Me: “No, I really don’t want to.”

Mom: “Are you worried about how you look? Your acne isn’t that bad. Your skin appears a bit grey, and is falling off in places, but nobody will notice. Go take a shower.”

Me: “It hurts too much to move. My arms and legs are sore.”

Mom: “Well, you’re literally skin and bone. You really should exercise more. Go take a shower and I’ll make you breakfast. What would you like?”

Me: “Brains.”

Salad Is Good For Your Braaaaaaaain

| USA | April Fool's Day, Teenagers, Zombies

(My teenage son is a notoriously fussy eater. He has just got home from school and I have made dinner.)

Me: “Eat the salad.”

Son: “No. it’s gross. I don’t like vegetables.”

Husband: “Your mother made dinner. You should eat it.”

Me: “It has meat in it.”

Son: “But they’re touching the vegetables, gross. Anyway, I’m not feeling too well. I think I’ll just go to bed.”

(He takes an uncharacteristically early night, and I do the dishes, before my husband and I settle down in front of the TV. Every channel is alarmingly indicating that the zombie apocalypse has started. I am about to go warn my son, when I see him shuffling down the stairs, with a dead look in his eyes.)

Me: “[Son]?”

(He merely grunts, wanders over to the salad, sniffs out the meat, and starts eating it. My husband walks slowly backwards and get a kitchen knife.)

Me: “[Husband]! No, don’t!”

Husband: “It’s hard to accept, I know, dear. But our son isn’t our son anymore.”

Me: “Yes, I know, but at least wait a minute!”

Husband: “Why!?”

Me: “He’s finally eating my salad!”

Not Even Undeath Do Them Part

| USA | April Fool's Day, In-Laws, Zombies

(The zombie apocalypse has started, and I am begrudgingly being driven by my wife in our van to collect her parents and take them somewhere safe. My best friend is in the van with us.)

Me: “Typical. Zombie apocalypse starts and it’s yet another excuse to spend time with the in-laws.”

Wife: “Be quiet! There are zombies on the road; I need to concentrate!”

Me: “What if they’ve already been zombified? We’ll have wasted time and fuel!”

Wife: “Shush! I already spoke to them on the phone. They know we’re coming.”

(We finally get there, to see the house surrounded by zombies. We honk the horn, which distracts the zombies just enough for my father-in-law to dash outside and get in the van.)

Father-In-Law: “Quick! Drive!”

Wife: “What about mom!?”

Father-In-Law: “There’s nothing we can do for your mother now.”

(Suddenly we hear a gunshot. We all look to see my mother-in-law, wielding a shotgun, ploughing her way through the zombie horde. She looks furious. She makes it into the van and we start driving away.)

Mother-In-Law: *to father-in-law* “Nice try, Harold.”

(My father-in-law sulks, and turns his attention to my best friend.)

Father-In-Law: “Are we going to go save your wife now?”

Best Friend: *breaks down into tears* “My wife was killed by a zombie!”

Father-In-Law: *mutters under his breath* “Lucky…”