The Mother Of All Dangerous Drivers

| NV, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m waiting in my car at a traffic light when my car eases forward a bit. I apply more pressure to the brakes, but the car makes a groaning noise and eases forward a bit more.)

Me: “What’s going on? I hope the brakes aren’t giving out.” *glancing at the rearview mirror* “Oh God!”

(The woman behind me has an insane smile and is cackling like a witch. I realize she is purposely grinding her car’s bumper against mine.)

Me: “Who is that crazy woman? Why is she doing this?!”

(I suddenly recognize her and feel relieved.)

Me: “Oh! It’s just Mom.” *pause* “What the h*** is she doing?!”

(The light soon turned green so that I could escape. I was so shocked that I never confronted her about what she did.)

Don’t Sell Mom Short

| WA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My mom is 5’1″, while I’m 5’6″ at age 18; I passed her in height around age 14. I go to give her a hug good night.)

Me: “Good night, Mom. I love you. I miss being shorter than you.”

Mom: *sarcastic* “Thanks, honey.” *thoughtfully* “I wish… well, no, being short is kind of part of who I am.”

Me: “Good night, Mom. I love you. Let me not cause an existential crisis right before bed.”

Not Getting Ahead That Easily

| Germany | Cousins, Parents & Guardians

(My father’s cousin is having a quarrel with his brother. Their mother steps in:)

Mother: “[Cousin], the wiser head gives in.”

Cousin: “I’m not that stupid to want to be always the wiser head!”

A Shrimpy Life Span

| UK | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(My six-year-old brother and I are enjoying a bit of rock-pooling on the beach. My brother has found a shrimp which he calls ‘Shrimpy’, and puts him in a bucket.)

Mum: “C’mon, almost time to go home.”

Brother: “Can I keep Shrimpy as a pet?”

Mum: “No, he’s a wild animal. He belongs in his habitat, not a bucket. Put him back.”

(Very reluctantly, my brother tips Shrimpy’s bucket into a stream that runs down the beach. Shrimpy seems to wave goodbye, until suddenly he runs up against a sea anemone, which starts eating him.)

Brother: “SHRIIIIIIMPPYYYYYY! NOOOOOOOOOO!”

(A beat later:)

Brother: “Woah, cool sea anemone.”

Me: “Which is shorter, Shrimpy’s life span or my brother’s attention span?”

They Will Never Go To An Angus Steakhouse

| TX, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(I am 12, my middle sister is 7, and my youngest sister is 5.)

Middle Sister: *to our parents* “What would our names have been if we were boys?”

Mom: “I really liked the name Angus.”

Middle Sister: *to littlest sister* “If you were a boy mom was going to name you Anus!”