Boobs That Can Win Battles

| Dallas, TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

(To preface, I have naturally large breasts. They are so large I have to special order my bras online and due to recent bad weather my package has been delayed twice. I’m annoyed at this point and complaining to my mom about it.)

Mom: “Aww, your slingshots aren’t coming today?”

Me: “Mom, you can’t really call them slingshots. With boobs this big they’re more like trebuchet.”

Solid Parenting

| Canberra, ACT, Australia | Parents & Guardians

(A young couple with their six-month-old are in my line. They’re discussing how expensive their shop is.)

Wife: “It’s the baby formula that does it. Without that it would be under a hundred dollars.”

(The husband, in a wondrous example of a dad joke, turns to the infant.)

Husband: “Yeah. Hurry up and eat solids, will you?”

Making A Very Sharp Point

| UT, USA | Spouses & Partners

(My husband takes lunch to work most days, and keeps disposable utensils in his desk.)

Husband: “Sweetie, I need more silverware, but no more knives. I have like a hundred knives.”

Me: “That’s a lot of knives. You could kill a lot of people with those knives.”

Husband: “Yeah, like everyone at work. Not just the people in my office, but everyone in my whole building. That’s how many knives I have.”

Made In Tian

| Sacramento, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(My mom, I, and my sister are all driving home from shopping. ‘Heaven is a Place on Earth’ comes on the radio.)

Mom:Heaven is a place on Earth, huh? Where’s it at, then?”

Sister: “Probably China; that’s where they manufacture everything.”

Good Friends With The Earl Of Sandwich

| CA, USA | Sons & Daughters

(My son and I own two terrier mixes named Maria and Oatmeal. Both dogs are very spoiled. So much so that Maria is known as ‘The Princess.’)

Me: “Oatmeal needs a title. Maria is already a princess, but Oatmeal doesn’t have as high of a rank. What should we call him?”

Son: “I know…Sir Oatmeal, Duke of Breakfast.”