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Laws Of Physics Were Not Broken But Bones Were

| Dallas, TX, USA | Sons & Daughters

(I’m talking with my mom on the phone and am telling her something stupid I did.)

Me: “I was trying to take a picture while I was still riding the bike. Can you guess what happened next?”

Mom: “Gravity?”

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Cat Called Spot

| UT, USA | Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners

(I’m sitting in our office, watching a video game stream with my husband. Our cat spends most of her day in the office, only roaming around at night, so my husband, who works from home, sees her more often than I do. Our cat has liked him better from day one. She walks into the office, and watches me from the corner.)

Me: “Does she usually hang out in that corner?”

Husband: *laughs* “No, she usually comes and sits by me, and I pet her. She’s giving you a funny look because you’re sitting in her spot.”

Me: “Well, hate to break it to you, cat, but it was my spot first.”

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Blocking That Line Of Thinking

| Orem, UT, USA | Children

(My two-year-old son and I are playing with his blocks. I bend over to grab one, and pass gas.)

Son: “That you diaper? Stop, Mama! Gross!”

Me: “No, that was just… You know what? Never mind. Block?”

Son: “Block!”

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Getting Into Boy Trouble

| USA | Sons & Daughters

(My family runs an antique business, which my brother and I have helped with since we were in elementary school. At a show, I’m watching the booth with my dad and a couple walk up to the cases. I’m a girl, early 20s, with short hair.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you with something?”

Male Customer: “Yes, Can I see—” *points to antique in case*

(I pull some antiques out for him, quote some prices, and he asks about other pieces of the same type. My dad takes over from here, and takes them into the booth where the other pieces are, and I go back to my watching spot, reading. At some point, the wife of the male customer walks up to me.)

Wife: “I’m sorry; he didn’t mean it.”

Me: *slightly confused, thinking about something to do with the antiques* “Oh, that’s ok. It happens.” *I go back to reading*

(A few minutes later, when the customers have left, my dad hugs me.)

Dad: “I’m sorry, honey.”

Me: *really confused at this point* “Um, okay, it’s all right, dad.”

(A few minutes later, a different female customer, who was here at the same time as the couple comes up to me.)

Female Customer: “He’s not right, you know. You really don’t look like a boy.”

(At this point, I put the pieces together. The male customer had a conversation that had gone something like this:)

Male Customer: “That’s a nice young man you have with you. Is he your son?”

Dad: *slightly embarrassed* “That’s my daughter…”

Male Customer: *even more embarrassed* “I… um… she’s very nice!”

(They didn’t end up buying anything.)

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Birth And Death

| Prince George, BC, Canada | Parents & Guardians

(My mom is pregnant, and overdue, with my younger brother, and is at the doctor’s for a checkup. She’s a little worried because she had quick labours with both my sister and me and had severe complications early in the pregnancy. With both of us girls she was scheduled to be induced if she was too overdue, but it didn’t come to that. Due to retirement, she has a different doctor now.)

Mom: “If I don’t go into labour soon, when will we induce?”

Doctor: *airily* “Oh, no! We don’t induce unless a life is in danger.”

(Mom looks at Dad, who looks back at her. Both are thinking the same thing.)

Mom: “So, are you going to kill the doctor, or am I?”

Doctor: *shocked* “What?”

Dad: “Hey, you just said a life. You never said whose!”

(No one was injured, and my brother was safely delivered naturally a few days later. On the plus side, though, the doctor got a nice lesson on deciding treatment *with* the patient instead of dictating to them, and wasn’t so high-handed with them after that!)