Dough-n’t Stop Her Now

| Macon, GA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular, Punny

(We own multiple cats. When they lie down with all their legs tucked under them, I refer to them as a catloaf.)

Me: “Mom, look at your cat. He looks like a loaf of bread.”

Mom: *going over to pet the cat, talking in a baby voice* “Are you being a catloaf?”

Me: “Yeah, he’s just loafing around.”

Mom: *rolling her eyes* “Uh-huh.”

(The cat, who is well-known for being demanding about attention, stands so he can get more petting.)

Me: “Looks like he’s… bready for more.”

Mom: “Hm. I see what you did there.”

(She walks away, and the cat yowls loudly at the sudden lack of attention.)

Me: “Okay, okay, I’ll pet you instead. It’s the… yeast I could do.”

Mom: *quietly exasperated* “[My Name]…”

Me: *exaggerated finger-guns at her* “Hey— I’m on A ROLL!”

Mom: *loudly exasperated* “[MY NAME]!”


Defy The Cacti

| AL, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

(This takes place between my boyfriend and his mom. He is telling me what happened.)

Mom: “Part of my orchid is wilted! It’s the part next to your cactus.”

Boyfriend: “Okay?”

Mom: “That’s so weird; I’m so good about watering it. I think your slimy cactus molested my orchid. It should be a registered plant offender.”


Identity Theft

| USA | Children, Siblings

(This happens with my younger brother, who is six.)

Me: “Did you know that you have two names?”

Brother: “No…”

Me: “Yeah, your first name is [First Name], and your middle name is Robert!”

Brother: *eyes get big* “I don’t believe you!”

(After Mom confirms it, he gets upset.)

Me: “Don’t you like the name Robert?”

Brother: “No! I’m NOT a robber!”

(To this day, 29 years later, I still tease him about it even though he now likes his name better.)