The Birds And The Bees And The Tadpoles

| USA | Children, Siblings

(My little brother is seven and I decide to explain to him how babies are made. In children’s terms, of course. For reference, I’m a girl.)

Me: “Every boy has little things called cells shaped like tadpoles inside; they swim in you right now!”

Brother: *grossed out* “Nooo, I don’t! YOU have them!”

(He was so disturbed by the thought of “tadpoles” swimming inside of him that he ran off, disgusted, covering his ears. It was hilarious. I didn’t even get to part how sperm gets inside a woman; I think he’ll be even more shocked! I’ll leave that to our parents, though. Good luck to them!)

Demonic Laughter

| TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My mother is what most people would call a “religious nut” mainly from her views on anything that isn’t Christian or “Christian values.” I have just told her that a friend of mine is Wiccan.)

Mom: “Wiccan?! That’s witchcraft!”

Me: “That’s a part of it but it also has Christian roots.”

Mom: “It’s Satanic! [Friend] has anti-Christian demons surrounding her and they infected you and that’s why YOU’RE anti-Christian!”

Me: *dying laughing*

(Since then my friends and I joke about anti-Christian demons frequently.)

Snaking Past The Parents

, | Detroit, MI, USA | Children, Pets & Animals, Siblings

(My nine-year-old nephew is fascinated by insects and reptiles, and proudly signs himself  Nephew THE ENTOMOLOGIST on emails. My sister and her husband have had to be very firm with him about the creepy-crawlies that he tries to bring in the house. One day she receives a call on her cell.)

Caller: “Hi, I’m with [Reptile Supply House] and I need to schedule a delivery.”

Sister: “A delivery of…?”

Caller: “You ordered a corn snake. We need to make sure that there’s someone at home to accept a live delivery.”

(Turned out, my nephew figured out how to set up a PayPal account and used his Christmas money to order the snake. Unfortunately for him, he had no phone and used my sister’s number for the transaction. When my sister contacted PayPal to shut down his account, she said the lady on the customer service line laughed so hard at the story she had to put a supervisor on the phone to finish the cancellation.)

Problem Child Number Two

| AZ, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(I have just put my one-year-old daughter and three-year-old son down for a nap, and gone to the bathroom for some quiet alone time when my son starts yelling from his room.)

Son: “MOM! MOM! MOM!”

Me: “What is it, Bubs?”

Son: “MOM, HELP!”

Me: “Hold on, I’m in the bathroom.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: “I’m pooping”

Son: “ME, TOO!”

(He wasn’t lying.)

Daddy Has Issues

| Australia | Parents & Guardians

(Growing up there were days when my dad would be a bad mood for no apparent reason; sometimes it was due to work. He has moods where he is unbearable to be around and the next day he acts like nothing happened. One day when I get home from school I see my mum is already looking annoyed. Soon it becomes apparent my dad is in a really foul mood. The moment I get through the door he is criticising and complaining about everything — including me BITING AN APPLE TOO LOUDLY! I can sense my mum is seconds away from blowing her top so to make things easier I offer to cook dinner. Within seconds of me getting vegetables out, my dad starts being a jerk.)

Dad: “OH, COME ON! Why you being so bloody slow?! You should have had those boiling in a pot by now!”

Me: “Dad, do you want to have dinner?”

Dad: “Sometime today, please!”

Me: “Then shut up and let me cook!”

(My dad doesn’t like that and stomps off to the living room where he proceeds to watch a never-ending series of news programs on TV with the volume turned way up. At dinner, he grumbles constantly about how dinner is ‘all wrong!’ and makes up imaginary problems with it. Mum repeatedly tells him to be quiet. After dinner, I head over to watch TV,; before I can my dad rudely snatches the remote.)

Dad: *sarcastically* “Gonna let me have a go with the telly?”

Me: “Dad, you’ve hogged the TV since we’ve got home. Let us watch something.”

(Without even asking, he turns on some boring made-for-TV movie and starts reading his paper. After ten minutes of this, it is obvious he isn’t even paying attention.)

Me: “Dad, can we please change the channel? You’re not even watching this.”

(No reaction from my dad, so in frustration, I just pick up the remote and change it. Immediately my dad looks furious.)

Dad: “OI! I WAS WATCHING THAT!”

Me: “No, you weren’t. You’re reading the bloody paper.”

(Dad throws down his paper and clenches his fists angrily.)

Dad: “YOU ARE THE MOST DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE—”

Mum: “OH, SHUT UP!”

(Dad suddenly goes very quiet; Mum is in her chair looking absolutely livid with him.)

Mum: “All night long you’ve nothing but a miserable old grump! You’ve yelled and you’ve shouted at us for no reason other than once again you’re acting like a bloody moron! Now, why don’t you p*** off and go do it somewhere else! I don’t want to see you until tomorrow! Go on, be a pain in the a** somewhere else!”

(Dad now looks very defeated. This is a side to Mum I have never seen before.)

Dad: *meekly* “But he should have asked—”

Mum: “He did! Your nose was buried in that paper. Now, OUT!”

(Dad shuffled out the room awkwardly and went to their room for the rest of the night. True to form, the next day he acted like nothing had happened and seemed genuinely shocked to see me and my mum give him the cold shoulder. He even yelled, “WHY’S NO ONE TALKING TO ME?” Sadly this wasn’t the last time it happened.)