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Vegan Poop Cake

| IL, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Siblings

(We are sitting on the front steps watching my niece play on the lawn when my aunt comes out the front door. Earlier we had been discussing veganism.)

Aunt: “There’s cake inside.” *pauses* “The baby’s eating dirt.”

Brother: “Meh. It’s good for her immune system.”

Aunt: “Okay, but I can’t guarantee there isn’t dog poop on it. Also, there’s cake inside.”

Brother: “Poop is probably also good for her immune system. Plus it’s vegan.”

Me: “I don’t think so; it’s an animal product.”

Brother: “But what about manure as a fertilizer? Don’t all the organic farms do that?”

Me: “That’s a good question; the argument could be made that manure is produced by cow labor. ”

Brother: “So, the question is, if a grass-fed, pasture-raised cow named Frank who has had a life full of love, poops in a garden in the Irish countryside, are the vegetables still vegan?”

Aunt: “DOES NO ONE WANT CAKE?!”

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Weighty Dinner-table Discussions

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Children, Siblings

(One of my three sons asks the family a question at the supper table:)

Son: “If you could get rid of any of the laws in our country, which one would it be?”

(We pause for thought, all except his little brother.)

Little Brother: *excitedly* “The law of gravity!”

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But Violence Is Okay

| MO, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(I am making coffee while my sons, two and four years old, are eating breakfast. My two-year-old starts waving his spoon around.)

Two-Year-Old: “I am God!”

Me: “What did you say?”

Two-Year-Old: “I am God!”

Me: *launches into lengthy explanation as to why we do not pretend to be God*

Four-Year-Old: “No, we’re just sword fighting!”

Me: “Well, you still don’t pretend to be God.”

Four-Year-Old: “We aren’t pretending to be God. He said ‘en garde’!”

Me: “Oh. That’s all right, then.”