Carfooling

| Outer Bank, NC, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular, Siblings

(My husband and I have the pleasure of driving his bickering parents the 5.5 hours to the beach on our way to start our vacation. Knowing that traffic back home is awful Saturday afternoon, we know we’ll be driving them home for even more time on the way back (turns out it was 6.5 hours to get home). We’ve just finished packing the mini-van and his brother calls from the pool.)

Brother: “Are you guys leaving now?”

Husband: *walks to the pool, looking right and left* “[Wife] and I are leaving. You guys figure out how to get Mom and Dad home!”

(My husband then runs to the car, jumps in, and starts it.)

Sister: *laughing out loud*

Brother: *panicking* “Wait, what?!”

(My husband was only moving the car out of the carport.)

Weeding Out That Chore

| Indian Orchard, MA, USA | Sons & Daughters

(I am walking to my front door when I bend over and pull some random weeds, and then I go into the house.)

Son: “What happened to those weeds in front of the porch?”

Me: “I just pulled them.”

Son: “I just sprayed them with weed-killer.”

Hungry For Baby

| Denver, CO, USA | Children, Popular, Siblings

(I am seventeen years older than my younger brother, who is two. He is used to being the baby of our family, until I had my son, about six months ago. We are at my dad’s house and [Brother], still not a huge fan of my son, is generally just ignoring him.)

Me: *breastfeeding my son on the couch*

Brother: *to my fiancée* “Eat the eggs!”

Fiancée: *pretends to eat toy eggs*

Brother: “Eat the soup!”

Fiancée: *pretends to drink soup*

Brother: *pointing at me and [Son]* “EAT THE BABY!”

So Funny It Hurts

| USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(I have hit my elbow quite hard getting out of the car, and when I go inside both my parents are sitting on the sofa.)

Me: “You know what really hurts hurts?”

(I have planned to finish with “smashing your funny bone” but apparently my parents have other plans…)

Mom: “Catching fire?”

Dad: “Getting struck by lightning?”

Mom: “Getting run over by a car?”

Dad: “Getting run over by a TRUCK?”

Mom: “Getting run over by a TRAIN?!”

Dad: “Getting eaten by a shark?”

Mom: “Getting mauled by a lion?”

Dad: “Sitting through an entire country music concert?”

Mom: “Falling into a bear trap?”

Dad: “Being flayed?”

Mom: “Sitting on a bee?”

Dad: “Alternatively, I imagine it must hurt to be a bee that someone sits on.”

Mom: “True…”

(All righty then…)

That’s The Way The Cookie Continuously Crumbles

| Australia | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(I have a bad habit of buying something I’m craving, eating a little bit and then leaving the rest to go bad. Since moving back in with my parents that problem has been mostly solved by my dad, who can’t seem to walk past food without taking it, but this happens EVERY time.)

Dad: “Er, so… I kind of ate your cookies. But I’ll replace them!”

Me: “No, it’s fine! I didn’t want them any more anyway. They’re all yours.”

(Later…)

Dad: “There’s more cookies on the bench for you!”

Me: “Thanks, you can have some if you like.”

Dad: “Nope, these are definitely yours.”

(The next day…)

Dad: “Er, honey… I ate all your cookies again. But I’ll replace them!”

(Usually he will go through five or six packets on his own before I eat enough that he feels like he’s repaid me. The best part is, he never buys junk food for himself! I wonder why.)