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My Mom Is Bananas

| Salem, OR, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(I am crazy for fresh bananas.)

Me: “Mom, can I have another banana?”

Mom: “No! One is enough for every few days.”

Me: “Every few DAYS?”

Mom: “Well, we’ll see…”

(A few days later…)

Mom: “Why does nobody in this house eat the bananas we buy?”

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A Sister Just Waiting To Happen

| Perth, WA, Australia | Popular, Siblings, Spouses & Partners

(My younger sister is visiting; she known to be clumsy. My partner is in the backyard chopping wood for a fire pit we have bought. My sister is chatting to him while I’m in the kitchen making dinner for my two kids when my partner comes inside to get a drink.)

Me: “Where’s [Sister]?”

Partner: “Oh, she’s fine. I’m just getting so-”

(From the backyard.)

Sister: “OW, SHIT!”

(My partner runs outside.)

Me: *calling out* “[Sister], are you okay?”

Sister: “Yeah.”

Me: “Are you missing any body parts? Is there blood?”

Sister: *limping in* “No, I hit my leg with the thick side of the axe. He sent me in to watch TV.”

Partner: *from back door* “[My Name], keep her away from the shiny sharp things… and possibly fire. Actually do you have any bubble wrap?”

(I start laughing.)

Sister: *from lounge room* “Oh, shut up.”

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Her Cooking Skills Are In A Vegetative State

| Seattle, WA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m not vegetarian, but I get tired of my mom’s cooking. I find it incredibly weird that she was vegan for years due to cancer but now cannot cook a vegetable to save her life.)

Mom: “Would you like chicken or meatloaf for dinner tomorrow night?”

Me: “Can we please eat something other than meat?”

Mom: “Fine, I will make rice and beans.” *reaches into the fridge*

Me: “What’s that?”

Mom: “Ham for the beans.”

(Dinner than night was just a slab of chicken. Thankfully, I live on my own now so I can choose to cook vegetables and even sometimes have vegetarian dinners.)

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Physics Results In A Physical Reaction

| Rescue, CA., USA | Popular, Siblings

(I am in ninth grade and my sister is in eighth. My sister is struggling in school, so our parents have asked me to tutor her in physics. We are sitting in her room and I am trying to go over her homework with her, but she is refusing to stay on task.)

Me: “Unit conversions are not that hard. Just make sure the unit you want to cancel is opposite to the conversion multiple so the units cancel diagonally. It’s just like… like multiplying fractions…”

(I notice her not paying attention again. She is spitting spit balls through a straw around her room.)

Me: *fed up and out of patience, I grab the straw and yank it from her hand* “Will you cut that out and stop wasting my time!?”

(As I wrestle the straw from her hand, she grabs her pen and stabs me in the knee with it. I knock her away before she can cause any real damage.)

Sister: *whining and indignant* “Owwww! You’re going to give me a bruise!”

Me: “You’re giving me a puncture wound!”

(I wasn’t asked to tutor her any more. My sister ended up in summer school… four times.)

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Knows Absolutely Airforce Zero

| Skogn, Norway | Parents & Guardians

(We are about to watch the movie ‘Air Force One’ and the narrator on the TV channel introduces it. My mom manages to say this gem:)

Mom: “Oh, I think I’ve seen Air Force One before. Is this Air Force Two?”

Me: “Uhm… no, there is only one movie called Air Force One. There is no Air Force Two.”

Mom: “Oh, well, I don’t know about these things… Then I have seen it before.”

(We watched the movie anyway.)