If A Bear Can Do It…

| USA | Sons & Daughters

(I have a five-year-old daughter who is helping me out in the kitchen when this happens.)

Daughter: “I don’t wanna go camping.”

Me: “Why?”

Daughter: “There’s no bathrooms!”

Me: *raises an eyebrow* “So? Pop a squat and go in the woods.”

Daughter: *scandalized* “No! All the animals would be watching me!”

His Blanket Response

| Orem, UT, USA | Children, Spouses & Partners

(My two-month-old son keeps kicking his blankets off, unless I swaddle him really tight. As we live in a basement, it gets rather cold at night, so this is a problem. He also doesn’t smile much, looking at everything very seriously. My husband is getting exasperated, after the fifth or sixth time he’s replaced the blanket in ten minutes.)

Husband: “Honestly, child, do we have to pin the darn thing on you?”

Baby: *gives the biggest grin we’ve seen to date, and coos happily*

Me: “Did he just…?”

Husband: “Yes. Yes, he did. ”

Me: “Don’t look at me; he’s your son!”

Were Never Quite Married To The Idea

| OH, USA | Grandparents

(My late grandmother had a very strained relationship with her parents as a young adult, as well as a passive-aggressive streak a mile wide. She started dating my much older grandfather behind their backs, ran off to Kentucky and married him, and then went home again that night as if everything was normal. Several days later her parents see her calmly walking toward the front door with a suitcase in her hand.)

Great-Grandfather: “Where do you think you’re going?”

Grandmother: *calmly* “Oh, I’m moving out.”

Great-Grandmother: “MOVING OUT? Oh, no, you’re not! Where do you think you’re going to live?”

Grandmother: “With my husband.”

Great-Grandfather: “YOUR WHAT?”

Grandmother: *cheerfully* “With my husband. I got married.”

Great-Grandmother: “When did THIS happen?!”

Grandmother: “Three days ago. Goodbye!” *walks out of house*

(She said it was a year and a half before they were willing to speak to her again.)

Going To Be Teen For An Age

| FL, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I go to school out-of-state, and usually only come home on breaks. Not too long before Christmas, I get a letter from my hometown DMV to renew my license. I call my dad and ask him to make an appointment for me while I’m home on break. When I get home, this happens.)

Me: “Dad, when’s my DMV appointment?”

Dad: “Oh, I didn’t make one for you.”

Me: “What?!”

Dad: “They let me come in and renew it for you. Here!” *hands me a new license*

Me: “Uh, well, that wasn’t the point…”

Dad: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I wanted to replace the picture, Dad.” *shows him picture, which is of my sixteen-year-old self, in all my grumpy teenager glory*

Dad: “Well, it’s a bit old, but it still looks like you.”

Me: “Yeah, but I’ve changed, Dad.”

Dad: “How so?”

Me: “I cut my hair… I’ve lost twenty pounds doing judo… I don’t wear glasses anymore… I actually smile now…”

Dad: “But it’s still you! They’ll know it’s you!”

(Lesson learned: have Mom set these things up.)

Innuendos Mounting On Top Of Each Other

| Woodburn, IN, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My parents and I have gone to the house of another family that we met via the PTA. I’m about 10, and the other family’s two kids are 12 and 14. We’ve just had a large dinner.)

Mom: “I’m stuffed! I feel like I should be mounted.”

(Everyone else laughs. Mom, who, we find out later, was thinking about taxidermy whens she said ‘mounted,’ doesn’t understand why we’re all laughing so hard.)

Mom: “You know, like you’d mount an animal.”

(Even more laughter.)

I Scare Myself

| Waxahachie, TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I, my mom, and my dad are in their room. We’re talking about my mom’s school. She’s studying to become a masseuse. She talks about how her school will let her dress up for Halloween.)

Mom: “Well, I don’t want to invest too much money in a costume.”

Me: “Then what are you going to go as?”

Mom: “I was thinking about it in school, and I told my classmate ‘I have the perfect idea for a costume.'”

Dad: “What is it?”

Mom: “I’m gonna go as myself.”

(Silence.)

Me: “Well, it’s scary.”

Dad & Me: *fistbump*