Not Being Charitable With Mom

| ON, Canada | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(I have just come home from being treated for cancer. The form of cancer I have is easily treatable and most likely gone by this point. Ever since I got diagnosed my mom has decided that it is my purpose in life to become an activist for cancer.)

Mom: “What are you doing tomorrow?”

Me: “I’m going to play video games with [Friend].”

Mom: “[Charity] is holding an event for cancer survivors. It sounds fun. You should go.”

Me: “No, thanks.”

(Two days later.)

Mom: “The [Cancer Charity] marathon is a few months from now. You should sign up now so you can start training.”

Me: “Mom, I hate running. I won’t do it.”

(Four days later.)

Mom: “[Friend Who Is A Teacher] said her school is looking for guest speakers for an assembly. Would you—”

Me: *interrupting* “No!”

(One day later…)

Mom: “[Children’s Cancer Charity] is hiring. Do you want to apply?”

(This is getting annoying and I come up with a plan.)

Me: “Will I get paid?”

Mom: “No, but think of all the people you can help.”


(She never brought the topic up again.)


Awakening To The Fact That Grandma Is Crazy

| Allentown, PA, USA | Grandparents, Popular

(It’s two am and like most sane people, I’m asleep. I am awoken when my phone starts ringing and fumble around in the dark to answer it.)

Me: *in a groggy tone* “Hello?”

Grandmother: *accusingly* “Why are you still awake?!”

(I still have no idea why she called me.)


The Math Is Mightier Than The Sword

| USA | Popular, Sons & Daughters

(A man and his son, who is about five, come through my line and purchase toy swords for the son. The swords are five dollars.)

Me: “Your total is [total].”

Customer’s Son: “Dad, what’s five plus five.”

Customer: “Count it yourself.”

Customer’s Son: “I can’t, Dad; my hands are filled with swords.”


Salt And Peppered With Puns

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Popular, Siblings

(My sister and I are discussing a headlining news story about a 16-year-old employee at a popular fast food chain who had been attacked by a customer after she forgot to give the customer salt for her fries.)

Sister: “It was just the girl’s second week! The lady was in the drive-thru and actually came into [Fast Food Chain], grabbed the girl, and started shaking her and slapping her. Luckily it was all caught on the security cameras, and the police caught her straight away. All of this, just over some seasoning packets for chips!”

Me: “I guess you could say she was charged with… as-salt.” *laughs hysterically*

Sister: “…How are we related?”


Atypical Closet-Case

| IL, USA | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians, Popular

(I’m a female who identifies as asexual homo-romantic and am out to my parents, siblings, and friends. I tend to keep my room very messy which makes my parents really upset. One day I finally decide to clean it. My dad walks in, pretending to be shocked, and looks over my room, which is now very clean. My closet, on the other hand, hasn’t been cleaned much.)

Dad: “So, what’s the use of your closet?”

Me: “Uh, my clothes?”

Dad: “And?”

Me: *not knowing what to say* “Well, I’m not in it.”