A B-lligerant Attitude

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(I just got my final grades back from my second semester at college and received all As and Bs for my freshman year. I’m excited to tell my dad and this conversation happens:)

Dad: “I never got a ‘B’ in college.”

Me: “You failed your first time going and had to drop out.”

Dad: “Yeah, but I still never got a ‘B.'”

Me: “Well, I’m doing better than you so far.”

Dad: “So far!”

It Was A Happy Death

| CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m telling my dad what happened earlier with our cat.)

Me: “So, he was on top of the closet door and…” *I notice on my dad is looking down at his phone, not really paying attention* “Oh, you’re not paying attention.” *I use a fake happy tone* “So, I killed a man today.”

Dad: “Yeah?”

(I decided not to tell him the story on what happened to the cat, since he wasn’t going to pay attention, anyway.)

Little Siblings Are Excruciatus

| USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Popular, Siblings

(It is when the new Harry Potter book has come out. I have just gotten a job working minimum wage in retail but I am not into books much. My little brother stares in the bookstore’s window.)

Brother: “I want it!”

Mom: “I have no money. [My Name], buy him the book.”

Me: “Nope. I worked hard for my money, and I’m not going to spend it on some kid’s book.”

Mom: “Please!”

Me: “No, I’m not his mom. Besides, when I was his age, I wanted a Barbie, and did I get one? No.”

(My brother cried his eyes out and my mom glared like it was all my fault. A few weeks later, my brother got the Harry Potter book. He read it once before tossing it away and playing sports outside.)

Lettuce Have Our Puns

| CA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Punny

(I’m at the grocery store with my mom. I pick up a head of lettuce and hold it up. I look at my mom.)

Me: “Heads will roll if I throw this lettuce.”

Mom: *looks at me*

Me: “Yes, that was a bad pun and I’m not ashamed of it.”

Don’t Be A Sour Oedipus

| Chadds Ford, PA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(It’s the Saturday before Mother’s Day. I’m at work texting my mom. Earlier that week for Mother’s Day, my brother wrote a poem for my mom comparing her to the sweet part of a cookie and my dad to the crumbling burnt part.)

Mom: “[Brother] saw my [High School] senior picture today and looked dumbfounded. He says, mom, you were hot!! He is on fire with mom’s day…”

Me: “And thus [Brother]’s Oedipus Complex emerges. Now he must repress his urges to kill dad.”

Mom: “Well, that poem he wrote…”

Me: “He compares you to a sugar cookie and dad a crumbling burnt one and thought you looked hot — hot as a teen. I think [Brother] has repressed urges to kill dad and hook up with you. Oh, god, this is hilarious! Freud was right all along!”

Mom: “DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO [BROTHER]!”

Me: “Can I at least warn Dad of his impending death?”

(Later that day I showed my brother this text exchange. He thought it was hilarious.)