Pretending To Be Gay Will Not Pay On Vacay

| Boracay, Philippines | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(I am on vacation with my dad, his partner and my sister. We have just sat down to eat when one of the waiters approaches me.)

Waitress: “My friend thinks you’re good looking. She wants your phone number.”

Me: “Sure it’s-”

Dad: “Don’t bother, love. He’s gay.”

(My dad successfully managed to make sure I didn’t score for the entire trip. For the record I am not gay.)

Blood Is Thicker Than Honesty

| KS, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(My mom and I walk into a store together, talking to each other. We look very much alike. A woman is by the entrance and this is our encounter with her.)

Woman: “My! Are you two related?!”

(My mom and I look at each other and laugh.)

Mom: “No! We just met right outside the store!”

Me: “You don’t really think we look related, do you?”

Woman: “That’s so funny! You look so much alike! Now that I’ve had more time, I can see that you’re not related though.”

Mom: “How can you tell?”

Woman: “Well, she’s taller than you, your hair is darker, and your features are different. Anyway, I better get back to shopping!”

(We are browsing racks when I find a top I like.)

Me: “Mom! Look at this!”

Mom: “I like it!”

Woman: *from other side of store* “I knew it! You lying liars of lies for lying!”

Stupid Cupid

| Wheaton, IL, USA | Grandparents

(I’m sitting at a table with my grandfather at my cousin’s reception. She is the only granddaughter older than I am. My grandfather is notorious for his attempts to set up my cousin, prior to her engagement.)

(A camera flash goes off in my face.)

Me: “Ah! My eyes! What was that for?”

Grandpa: “For the bowling alley.”

Me: “What?”

Grandpa: “For the personal ad. I’m going to put it up in the bowling alley back home, just like I did with [cousin].”

Me: “Grandpa, really? I’m only 20. I thought you didn’t start this with [cousin] until she was 23?”

Grandpa: “It’s never too early. By the time I was your age, I was married and already had a kid.”

Me: “Come on, Grandpa. I don’t need your help.”

Grandpa: “What’s your phone number, so I can put it with the ad?”

Me: “Grandpa, you live in a retirement community!”

Underworld Overheard

| NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(My sister is a die-hard fan of the movie series ‘Underworld’.)

Mom: “So, anyway, the news headline was–”

(A TV spot for the new Underworld movie comes on for the first time.)

Sister: “Aaaaagh!”

(My parents both jump. My dad clutches his heart, my mom covers her hearing aid.)

Dad: “Wh-wha-what’s going on?! Why’s she screaming?!”

Mom: “I don’t…” *looks at TV* “Oh, for the love of God!”

(My sister continues screaming.)

Mom: “Ow! My hearing aid.”

(The commercial ends.)

Sister: *sighs happily* “Well, that made my day. Oh, yeah, so what were you saying, mom?”

Don’t Let Grandma Give You A Puck On The Cheeks

| NY, USA | Grandparents

(My grandma is incredibly crazy when it comes to hockey. My family is watching the game in the living room when a player on my grandma’s favorite team gets hit.)

Grandma: *gasps* “You can’t shove someone like that! That’s not nice! This is hockey!”

(Everyone rolls their eyes. An hour later, a player on the other team gets hit.)

Grandma: *now blood-thirsty* “Nice hit! He deserved that one!”

(The player gets up.)

Grandma: “Why is he getting up? He shouldn’t be able to get up yet! Why is he getting up?”

(Everyone stares at grandma.)

Grandma: “Oh… uh… I mean…”

(She giggles awkwardly and continues watching quietly.)