Standing Behind Their Convictions

| Seattle, WA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m a Forensic Science Major. I have just returned from my first semester at university, and have been discussing the US criminal justice system with my family.)

Mom: “But, can ex-cons ever find work once they get released?”

Me: “Actually, yes. There are some companies that specialize in hiring ex-cons.”

Dad: “Yeah…the Mafia.”

Evil Sister Has A Game Plan

| Cairns, QLD, Australia | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(My mum and I are Christmas shopping for a specific game type for my 25-year-old brother. We are with my friend who works at the store. I’m not being particularly helpful.)

Mum: “What about this one? It has swords.”

Me: “Nah, get him the [popular girls doll game] one.”

Friend: “This one?” *points to shoot-em-up type game*

Mum: “Could work.”

Me: “Nope. I think you should get him the [really awful kids game] one.”

Mum: “What about sports?”

Me: “I still think the Barbie one.”

Friend’s coworker: *to me* “You really must not like this guy.”

(My mum and friend start laughing.)

Me: “He’s my brother. He’s lucky I’m being this nice.”

Friend’s coworker: “I see. What about this [truly awful game] then?”

Me: “Oh! I didn’t see that one.”

Mum: *laughing* “Leave! Now! Out!”

Me: “But, I’m only trying to help! Really!”

How To Alienate Your Children

| NB, Canada | Parents & Guardians

(My dad is explaining the first words he said to my mom when I was born.)

Dad: “Your mom just gave birth to you and I was holding you in my arms. She asked me, how does she look?”

Me: “What did you say?”

Dad: “I said, do you remember when they found ET in the ditch?”

Me: *blinks* “Thank you, for the complex, dad.”

A Second On The Hips, A Lifetime On Your Lips

| Hillsboro, MO, USA | Grandparents

(My mom takes both my friend and I home from school sometimes. Today she is on the phone with my grandma, talking about the staff at the nursing home. My mom’s speakerphone is on.)

Mom: “Oh, you mean [name]?”

Grandma: “Yes, her. She’s the really tall one with the huge hips that look like they don’t belong to her.”

Mom: “Mom, you’re on speakerphone, and there’s two teenage boys in the car listening.”

Grandma: “Yes, she’s very…nice.”

Spilling The Truth

| VA, USA | Pets & Animals

Sister: “We need to give the cat a bath.”

Her husband: “Why?”

Sister: “Because, she’s all sticky! How’d she get so sticky?”

Her husband: “I think one of us spilled soda on the cat.”

Sister: “One of us?”

Her husband: *long pause*I spilled soda on the cat.”