| Wantagh, NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I release a wall-shaking belch at the dinner table.)

Mother: “Just like his father.”

Father: “Yeah, and when I find that S.O.B…”

(Just to note, there has been no infidelity between my parents.)

This Argument Is Anchorage Before It Has Set Sail

| Virginia Beach, VA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My fiancé is talking to his mother. She is telling him her friend is moving to Alaska. Her friend and her have an argument about how he is getting there and she tells my fiancé about it later.)

Fiancé: “What was the argument about?”

Mom: “He said he was driving to Alaska, but I don’t get how he’d do that. It’s an island.”

Fiancé: “But, it’s not an island.”

Mom: “Yes it is, I’ve seen the maps. I’m not an idiot. On all the maps it’s in that box down by Hawaii.”

Not So Sweet Sister

| Surrey, UK | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

(I have just been out Christmas shopping, and now have a large pile of presents stacked up in my room. My mum enters, and studies the pile. She picks up the top present, which is a box of expensive sweets.)

Mum: “Who’re these for?”

Me: “Uncle [name].”

(This particular uncle is her biological brother.)

Mum: *completely seriously* “He doesn’t deserve them. Can’t you give them to me instead?”

Me: “I guess sibling rivalry is one of those things you just don’t grow out of.”

Pot Calling The Kettle Brown

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My mom is Filipina, and quite proud of it.)

Mom: “You know, when the Americans first came to the Philippines, they thought we were monkeys with tails, because we’re brown island people.”

Me: “Mom, the Spanish said that.”

Mom: “Oh, they all look the same!”

An Animated Acting Style

| Ashburn, VA, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

(I’m working at a grocery store when a mother and her six-year-old daughter come through my line.)

Daughter: “Mom, I think I want to be an actress.”

Mother: “You have to have a lot of talent for that, sweetie.”

Daughter: “No, I could just be on the Disney channel.”