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Best To Keep An Eye On That One

| Switzerland | Children, Sons & Daughters

(I’ve just unpacked a fish for our supper. My five-year-old son is very curious about it.)

Son: “I wanna touch the fish”

(He touches it, then decides he wants to touch the eye.)

Son: “I wanna see how the eye is.”

(He whips out the eyeball in a few seconds, leaving me with a blind fish. I feel quite weird, when he adds:)

Son: “It’s okay; he’s dead anyway”

(He leaves the eyeball on the trashcan and goes away.)

Me: “Hey, at least put the eye in the trash, please!”

(Let’s hope it’s the start of a scientific career!)

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Don’t Be Hiss-terical

| PA, USA | Grandparents, Pets & Animals, Popular, Siblings

(My sister has always had a very strained relationship with our grandmother, who often is nasty and sarcastic towards her for no reason while taking offense to absolutely everything my sister says to her, whether justified or not. This conversation happened over a recent family gathering.)

Me: “So, my boyfriend and I may have accidentally adopted another kitten. We found one abandoned under our front porch and brought him in from the cold and now he seems to think he lives there.”

Sister: “I wish I could find a kitten under my porch, but I’d be worried that my garter snake that lives under there might try to hurt it.”

Grandmother: “You need to get rid of it.”

Sister: “But I don’t want to get rid of him! I named him Shoelace and I like him because he helps with our mouse infestation.”

Grandmother: “Well, I don’t like snakes and I think you should get rid of him! Kill him if at all possible!”

Sister: “Sorry, but I’m not going to hurt Shoelace just because you don’t like him. He’s not dangerous and he mostly just does his own thing and you’ll probably never see him unless you know where to look anyway.”

Grandmother: “Well, as long as you have a snake at your house, I’m never coming to visit again!”

(She then storms off angrily, leaving my sister and I standing there looking stunned.)

Me: “Do you think she was serious about that?”

Sister: “I hope so. What’s the largest species of snake that you can legally own as a pet in Pennsylvania?”

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Fullmetal Wizard

| Orem, UT, USA | Children, Popular, Spouses & Partners

(My husband is sitting at his computer with our one-year-old son on his lap. Earlier, he’d been watching an anime which centers around a pair of brothers who attempt to raise their mother from the dead, an effort which goes horribly wrong.)

Husband: “Okay, [Son], what should we watch? How about Fullmetal Alchemist?”

Me: “I’d rather he be a little older before he watches that. We don’t want him thinking he needs to do anything and everything to bring me back from the dead, should something happen. After all, there are things worse than death.”

Husband: “Like getting expelled from Hogwarts.”

(We wound up watching “Harry Potter” instead.)