Child Of Bodom

| PA, USA | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians, Popular

(My dad relates this story to me after telling me that he knew ever since I was a baby that I would grow up to be a metal-head just like him. It takes place around 1991 when I’m only about less than a year old or so while we still lived with my grandparents.)

Grandfather: “She hasn’t stopped crying for an hour and I don’t know what’s wrong with her!”

Dad: “Maybe you should put on some actual music instead of this crap?” *referring to the ‘toddler tunes’ type music my grandmother put on for me*

Grandfather: “I had the radio on for a while, but it didn’t work either!”

Dad: “Hang on a moment, I have an idea.”

(My dad goes out to his car and returns with a cassette tape.)

Grandfather: “‘Black Sabbath: Sabbath Bloody Sabbath’? You want me to put this on for a baby?”

Dad: “Yes. Just try it.”

(Hilariously, just two minutes in, my crying stops and I start smiling and bouncing up and down as though dancing.)

Grandfather: “What have you done to that child?”

Dad: “Something amazing.”


The Convenience Of Being Eight

| Staten Island, NY, USA | Children, Popular, Sons & Daughters

(I am at the bank with my eight-year-old son. His bladder is about to burst.)

Eight-Year-Old Son: “Excuse me, sir, where’s the restroom?”

Bank Employee: “Oh, sorry, we don’t have a restroom for customers just yet.”

Me: “Let’s use the restroom next door!”

Bank Employee: “There’s another one across the street.”

Eight-Year-Old Son: “No! We’re not going anywhere. Your sign right there says, ‘America’s Most Convenient Bank.’ Could you please let me use your restroom so I feel convenient?”

(Kid got what he fought for: access to the private restroom and complimentary pens and notepads, and had the nerve to ask if they had a lollipop! He walked out of the bank like he owned it.)


Chicken Shouldn’t Have Come Home To Roost

| IA, USA | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians, Popular

(When my mom was little, one year she got a chick for Easter. When it grew up, she gave it to her grandparents who lived on a farm, and she would go and visit it. One visit, she couldn’t find it.)

Mom: “Where’s my pet chicken?”

Grandmother: “Remember that fried chicken you had last time you were here?”