Not Her Calling

| Albany, NY, USA | In-Laws, Parents & Guardians, Popular

(My husband and I are visiting his mother, who is difficult at the best of times. We’re trying to leave to meet other family for dinner but my mother-in-law can’t find her cell phone. My husband is already in the car downstairs.)

Mother-In-Law: “We aren’t leaving until I find my phone.”

Me: “Did you try calling it?”

Mother-In-Law: *sneering with disdain* “Calling it?”

Me: “Yes…?”

Mother-In-Law: “What will that do?”

Me: *confused by her attitude* “Tell you where it is?”

Mother-In-Law: *sighs heavily* “It won’t work, but okay.” *turns to her apartment in general, cups her hands around her mouth, and shouts* “TELEPHONE! TELEPHONE!”


A Fertile Imagination

| Australia | Distant Relatives, Popular

(I am at my cousin’s wedding, where they have white helium balloons with white strings covering the roof of the venue. The decoration looks really quite nice, until they turn the air conditioning on. All the balloons begin to swarm towards the air intake with their string trailing behind them.)

Me: *thinking* “That looks like sperm.”

(Just as I’m thinking that, someone else at the table says:)

Other Person: “Ooh, sperm!”

(Everyone burst out laughing, and it’s revealed that almost everyone had independently thought that. So a word to the wise: if you decorate your wedding with while helium balloons, anchor them to something…)


Intimidating Mexican Food

| UT, USA | Siblings

(I’m in the library with my sister. We’re both 5’3”. A tall girl walks past us.)

Me: *whispering* “Sometimes I find tall girls intimidating.”

Sister: “What?”

Me: “Sometimes I find tall girls intimidating?”

Sister: “Oh! I thought you said tacos.”


Don’t Wig Out Or Dad Will Wig Out

| Fife, Scotland, UK | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(In the UK there is a reality TV programme where two people are paired up for a blind date at a fancy restaurant based on their personalities and interests. On one episode, one of the couples is a pair of cosplayers. I am a new cosplayer at this point, trying to finish a costume off for my first convention at the end of the month. I’m dressing as a male character (I’m a girl) and have just bought a wig. My family are watching this TV show.)

Dad: “They do what? As a hobby? My God!”

Mum: “What?”

Dad: “This… dressing up! That’s so weird; why would you want to? I can’t see why an adult would!” *scoffs*

Me: *walking into the room in full Marty McFly costume* “Hey, Mum? Do you think this wig looks realistic enough?”


Failed The Battery Of Tests

| Lexington, KY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(My mom has a tendency to be… um… frugal, and tries to find items on sale whenever possible. I’m looking for batteries for my CD player because I like to listen to music as I’m walking the dog.)

Me: “Mom, did you buy these batteries on sale?”

Mom: “Yes. What about it? They’re Duracells.”

Me: “No, it says ‘Dunicell.’ The on-battery tester isn’t even real. It’s just a sticker.”

Mom: “Just use those batteries. I’m sure they’ll be fine.”

(The batteries died before I even left the house.)