Too Many Slugs And Snails And Puppy Dog Tails

| Baldwinville, MA, USA | Cousins, Popular

(My cousin is five years old and I haven’t seen him since he was one. I am sitting on the couch when he comes running up, climbs up on my lap, puts his arms around my neck, sticks his head right by my ear and…)

Cousin: *whispering* “I farted!”

(He then runs away laughing hysterically.)

Me: “Yep, he’s a boy!”


The Romantic Zombie Virus Is Spreading, Part 2

| IL, USA | Sons & Daughters, Zombies

(My husband, son, and I are watching a zombie movie. One of the characters is hurt and disappears. The others assume he’s a zombie. Later, the missing character staggers up, bloody, and they decide to give him the mercy shot. The shot misses, and he yells at them for trying to kill him, and maybe they should check from now on. I decide to ask my son the question, with a condition.)

Me: “So, you’d shoot us, right?”

Son: *no hesitation* “Yep.”

Me: “But you’d make sure we really were zombies first, yes?”

Son: *eyes everywhere but me*

Me: “No, really. This is important. Verify first, okay?”

Son: *wanders off*

(I am planning on keeping a close eye on him in the event of any type of apocalypse.)

The Romantic Zombie Virus Is Spreading


A Freudian Shave

| ID, USA | Siblings

(My sister is visiting for the weekend. I’ve recently started playing an RPG video game that has a massive fan following online, and I’ve been eager to show it to her.)

Me: “Once you’re done there, I’ll turn on my computer and show you Goat-Mom.”

Sister: “What…?!”

Me: “Goat-Mom! That’s [Character]’s nickname, remember?”

Sister: “Yeah, but why are you going to shave her?!”

Me: “I said SHOW you Goat-Mom.”

Sister: “Well, I heard SHAVE.”

Me: *sarcastic* “Yeah, I’m really going to show you a video game where you shave a goat.”