Here We Pokémon Go Again

| NS, Canada | Children, Pokemon, Sons & Daughters

(My friend and I are playing Pokémon Go and her three-year-old daughter is watching me as I scroll through the list of Pokémon I’ve caught.)

Daughter: “Why is it dead?!”

(She was looking at a Magikarp. I couldn’t stop laughing!)

A 4Q-Letter Word

| NC, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My parents and I are watching the TV show “Bones”. It should be noted that while my dad does cuss fairly badly, I only recently started imitating him and don’t do it nearly as often, while my mom generally just uses safe swears. Additionally I remained extremely innocent until college. Two characters in the show are translating various texting shorthand phrases and finally get to “4Q,” which one of them says is self-explanatory.)

Mom: “What does ‘4Q’ stand for?”

Me: *without missing a beat* “F*** you.”

Mom: “[My Name]!”

Me: “Mom, I’m 25.”

Mom: *still slightly off-balance* “Yes, but still…”

Me: “And [Character] said it’s self-explanatory. Plus, ‘4Q’ sounds like ‘fork you’ if you slur it slightly.”

Mom: “True, but still…”

This Mom Must Have Been On Sale

| USA | Nephews & Nieces

(I am having a conversation with my seven-year-old niece:)

Niece: “Where’d you get your mom?”

Me: “I didn’t get her from anywhere. You don’t buy moms.”

Niece: “Yeah, you do.”

Me: “No, you don’t.”

Niece: “Yeah, you do.”

Me: “Oh, really? Where do you buy moms?”

Niece: “At the store.”

Me: “What store? There’s no such thing as a mom store.”

Niece: “Any store!”

Me: “They don’t sell moms at Wal-mart.”

Niece: “Uh-huh. I seen them.”

Me: “Well, moms and their kids are at Walmart together, but the kids don’t buy their moms.”

Niece: “Yeah, they do.”

Me: “No, [Niece], you can’t buy your mom.”

Niece: “Yeah, you can.”

Me: “Well, I’ve never seen moms for sale anywhere.”

Niece: “I have.”

Me: “Really? How do you get them?”

Niece: “You just go into the aisle where it says, ‘Moms,’ and then you wave and say ‘Mommy, it’s me!’” *waves arm to demonstrate*

Me: “I don’t think that’s how that works.”

Niece: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “No, it’s not.”

Mom & Family Friend: “No, it’s not.”

Me: “That’s not how it works.”

Niece: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “Well, you’ll have to show me this freaky magic then, because I’ve never seen it.”

Niece: “But then I’d have to take you to the store.”

Me: “Yeah, you would.”

Niece: “But I can’t drive.”

Me: “I could drive.”

Niece: “Yeah, but I’d have to take you to the store with me.”

Me: “So?”

Niece: “SO I’M TOO YOUNG TO DRIVE!!”

That’s How The Cookie Epically Crumbles

| WA, Australia | Popular, Sons & Daughters

(My three-year-old son and I baked peanut butter and white chocolate chip cookies earlier in the day. I give him one for dessert, and he starts picking it apart to get the chocolate chips.)

Me: “Eat it nicely, or you won’t get any more.”

Son: *after contemplation and with a scowl* “You win this round, villain. But I will win the war!”

Trying To Win The Slytherin Way

| Perth, WA, Australia | Popular, Siblings

(I go into my mother’s room to see my little sister preparing to watch a Harry Potter movie. However, being the eight-year-old she is, she’s being a tad indecisive about it.)

Sister: “I really like that one and that one!”

Mum: “Then pick one!”

(Knowing Mum could be here awhile if I don’t intervene, I grab the two movies she is trying to choose from, and put them behind my back to choose somewhat randomly. As I start trading cases between hands, I notice my sister leaning her head to one side. I follow her gaze, and realise she’s trying to look into the mirror that stands behind me. I quickly step back so that she cannot use the mirror.)

Sister: “Aw…”

Mum: “What, were you trying to cheat?”

Sister: “Yeah…”

Mum: “Well, if you were trying to cheat, then you obviously knew which one you wanted!”