Didn’t Succeed In Escaping Those ‘Feelies’

| Ocean City, NJ, USA | Popular, Teenagers

(I am on the boardwalk, walking. There are designated lanes for bikers, runners, et cetera. Suddenly, a teenage girl comes riding next to me on purple light-up Heelies sneakers, going the wrong way in the biking lane.)

Teenage Girl: *screaming* “WEAR HEELIES TO ESCAPE YOUR FEELIES!”

Girl’s Mother: *running after her* “God d**mit, Tay. How come you always act like a hyperactive child on drugs?”

Teenage Girl: “Yeah, my brain is weird. Anyway, it saddens me to think that most turtles will never know the sweet taste of a bagel. Feelings are hard. Bagels don’t have feelings. Why can’t I be a bagel?”

(I later saw the same family at my hotel, and I can confirm that this girl always acted like this. Once she skateboarded into the continental breakfast screaming about how she’s emo now, while wearing pastel blue and pony hair clips. I last saw her telling a long-winded story to an old lady about her hermit crabs named Shmi Skywalker and Breha Organa.)

Bigots Refuse To Face The Music

| USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(My older sister and I are twelve and nine. We’re at the mall. My parents do not approve of music made by black people because they’re extremely racist. I didn’t know this until later.)

Dad: *extremely reluctantly* “Okay, since you got an ‘A’ on your test, [My Name], here’s $5 for your allowance.”

Me: *thrilled* “Great!”

Dad: “What’re you going to use it for?”

Me: “I’m gonna buy some music!” *heads off to the music store*

Dad: “OK, don’t go far.” *leaves*

Sister: “Which album are you going to buy?”

Me: “Ummm. I can’t decide.”

Sister: “Ooh, this one is great. Remember it on the radio?”

Me: “Yeah!”

(I end up buying the album, which happens to be by a black artist. Later, when we get home, my parents find out and they try to return it because they’re bigoted. But I hide it. A week goes by.)

Me: “Daddy, it’s time for you to give me my allowance?”

Dad: “NO! You bought that horrible music and you’ll just buy another, so no more money for you!”

Me: “But the album doesn’t even have bad lyrics!”

Dad: “Liar! All black songs have bad lyrics about drugs and prostitutes!”

(True to his word, he never ever gave me money again. Later, when I was a teen, I told him that as revenge I’m going to play that ‘horrible’ song when he’s old in the nursing home.)

The United Kingdom Of America

| Washington, DC, USA | Cousins

(I am walking around Washington DC with my cousins, who are British, and showing them the attractions. They have been to the US a few times before. The youngest is in her early teens when this happens.)

Cousin: “Does America have a king?”

(I stare at her and she tries to guess from my expression.)

Cousin: “Yes…? No…?”

(She seems to realise something.)

Cousin: “It has a queen? That’s it, right? There’s a queen? No. A king, then?”

Me: “Don’t you know about the American Revolution? Do they teach you about it in history?”

Cousin: “Um, not much. So is there a king?”

(I explained and took them to the history museum. I still wonder how she thought there could be a monarch that nobody talks about.)

It Runs, And Trips, In The Family

| AB, Canada | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(A few days before the camp where I have been working is finished for the summer I am diagnosed with a concussion, and am rather disappointed that I have to go home just before finishing. The concussion was due to someone careening off the slip and slide and taking me out. It’s also worth noting that I have developed a reputation at camp for being accident-prone.)

Me: “Hi, Mom!”

(She waves as she gets out of the car and approaches the porch where I’m standing. She attempts to step onto it, and promptly trips, sprawling across the porch rather splendidly.)

People With Me: “Oh, my word, are you okay?”

(Meanwhile, the camp director is desperately trying to stifle his laughter.)

Mom: *popping back up* “Yup!”

Me: *turning to the others and gesturing towards my mom* “Now you understand!”

Blurred The Lines

| USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(My dad is watching a hidden camera show where a woman is paid to take off her clothes at a gas station just to film people’s reactions. I am a little kid; I don’t really understand what is so great about naked ladies, so I just watch. The woman’s bits are poorly blurred out, so you can clearly see she’s naked.)

Dad: “Ha hah ha! Look at that fellow’s face! Ha hah ha!”

Mom: *coming in* “What’s so funny?” *looks at screen, jaw drops*

Dad: “Oh… nothing, really.”

Mom: “What’re you watching in front of the kid?!” *nods at me*

Dad: “What? They blurred her out!”

Mom: “Still!”

Me: “Mom, it’s okay. Dad makes me watch naked ladies all the time!”

Mom: “WHAT?!”

(Dad got a severe talking to about his habits with naked ladies.)