The Crazy Things You Do On Coffee

| USA | Spouses & Partners

(I tend to be VERY sarcastic if I’m not careful, and my husband is still not always sure when I am serious or not unless I say so. This conversation happens after telling him that my dad just bought my sister a boat.)

Husband: *annoyed by my dad’s poor financial track record* “Your dad just spends money like a caffeinated five-year-old in a candy store and—”

Me: “Wait… you can caffeinate a five year old? Then set him loose in a candy store? That doesn’t sound smart.”

Husband: “That was just an expression. No, you don’t do that.”

Me: “I know, I know… sorry. Please continue.”

Husband: “Anyway, he just spends money like a caffeinated five year old in a candy store and doesn’t consult with his wife about anything and—”

Me: “Wait, now this caffeinated five year old is married?!”

Husband: “…”

Me: “Sorry, couldn’t help it… Easy target…”

OMG Mom…

| Hartford, CT, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

Mom: “Wow, you’re really becoming BBF’s with that new girl from work aren’t you?”

Me: “That’s not it, Mom.”

Mom: “BBF’s? Best buddy friends?”

Me: “No, Mom. It’s BFF’s.”

Mom: “Best f****** friends?”

Me: “NO, MOM! ”

(Texting my sister this story.)

Sister: “Man, I hate it when she tries to be cool and use the abbrevs.”

Just Pooping Out Knowledge

| Canada | Nephews & Nieces

(I am babysitting my niece. She has just finished telling that she knows everything.)

Me: “Well, you’re only five, so there’s lots more for you to learn!”

Niece: “I may be only five, but I know that caca is French for poop!”

The Air Is Fresh With Dishonor

| NC, USA | Siblings

(I’m with two of my sisters helping to vacuum out the elder’s car. While she’s doing this I see a machine that sells air fresheners cheaply and try to buy one.)

Older Sister: “[My Name], what are you doing?”

Me: “Trying to buy an air freshener… Darn it!”

Younger Sister: “What?”

Me: “Stupid machine stole my quarter!”

(My younger sister looks dead at the machine.)

Younger Sister: “Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your creator! Dishonor on your cow!

(Never did get back my quarter, but it was worth the laugh when the guy spraying down his truck nearby gave my sister a clear ‘WTF’ look.)

Gotta Dream Them All

| GA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(My brother and I were watching Pokémon the day before. Now it’s morning.)

Brother: *randomly, to my mother* “I thought I would have a dream about Pokémon last night, but I didn’t.”

Mom: “Oh?”

Brother: “Yeah.” *and then he walks away*

(I’m trying not to start laughing my head off in the next room.)

Mom: “What?”

Me: “I must have stolen his dream.”

Mom: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I had a dream about Pokémon last night. I don’t remember anything else about it, but there were definitely Pokémon!”

Totally Whacko Taco

| CA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(My mom, my little sister, and I are getting tacos at a restaurant. I am the only one who ordered tacos with a hard shell.)

Me: “I just can’t stand tacos with soft shells. They remind me of a tortilla.”

Mom: “That’s what soft shells are made of!”

Me: “Well, they remind me of a raw tortilla.”

Little Sister: “That’s because they are!”

Me: “They remind me of… I don’t know, an uncooked, soft tortilla!”

Mom & Little Sister: “Because they are!”

Me: “Never mind. I just don’t like them.”