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That Doesn’t Fly With Mom

| Highland, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(After unsuccessfully shopping for a Venus flytrap, my brother brings home a flytrap in which the flies go inside a small cage with attractive smells, and fall into water. I have set it up and am about to hang it by the porch chairs when my mother walks outside.)

Mom: “What are you doing?! You can’t hang it up in front of the chairs!”

Me: “Okay, should I put it over here?” *gestures to post 6-10 feet away*

Mom: “No it’ll attract flies to the porch.”

Me: “But that’s how it catches the flies.”

Mom: “Well, we don’t want flies where we sit!”

Me: “But we’re supposed to put it where we sit, so that there won’t be any flies left.”

Mom: “No, it’ll bring flies so don’t put it there!”

Me: “So where should I put it, then, if I can’t put it on the porch?”

Mom: “I don’t know. I’ll tell you later, but just don’t put it there!” *walks back inside*

(This was two weeks ago. She never came back to tell me where to put it, and it still hasn’t been hung up.)

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Making Mom :-(

| PA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I had recently found a lump in my neck, so we go in to get a sonogram of it. The following happens in the reception office with my mom. I am a typical teenager:)

Mom: “Hey, [My Name], what does this mean?”

(She then shows me a text she got from my older sister with a :b emote at the end. I immediately start cracking up.)

Me: “Mom, really? It’s a sticking your tongue out emote. It means you’re being playful. I thought only sit-com moms didn’t understand those things!”

(My mom begins to get all flustered.)

Mom: “Just tell me what it means!”

Me: “I just told you, it means you’re being playful. [Sister] is so hearing about this.”

Mom: “Oh, shut up!”

(I couldn’t stop laughing. They very nearly had to sedate me for the sonogram.)

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Should Stop And Take Stock

| CT, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Popular

(My uncle is showing a picture cube of old family photographs to his lady friend.)

Uncle: “This is my father and his hunting dog. This is my old dog. This is [Cousin]. This is my sister’s horse when he was young. This is my father walking my sister down the aisle. And this is…”

(He turns to the last side of the cube, looking very confused.)

Uncle: “She looks familiar. I feel like I should know her. Hey, [Cousin], do you know who this is?”

Cousin: “[Uncle]… that’s the stock picture that came with the cube.”

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Got A Poke To Pick With You

| Falls Church, VA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My dad pokes me to annoy me at home. He has just come back from a four day work trip, and starts to try to poke me while I’m reading.)

Me: “Stop it!”

Dad: “No! I’ve had to keep my poking to myself, and now I have to let it all out.”

Me: “You should have just poked your coworkers!”

Dad: “Uh, pretty sure I would have been arrested.”

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It’s A Nightmare Getting Them To Sleep

| UT, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(My husband and I have a three-year-old daughter and a 10-month-old, both of whom like to cuddle with me at night. I’m currently trying to get the baby back to sleep.)

Me: *to baby* “Kiddo, it’s bedtime.”

(A few moments later, I hear my toddler wake up. She enters my room, her hair totally crazy, and a funny grin on her face. She looks at me and starts laughing uncontrollably.)

Me: *while laughing* “What is this, a nightmare?”