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Will Need To Kiss And Make Up

| USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(My mom hated her in-laws. When I was a kid, whenever they would come over they would kiss me.)

Mom: *whisper* “Don’t let them kiss you; they’re diseased due to no morals. Shh! It’s our secret.”

(Confused, I did as she said. Later, my dad scolded me.)

Dad: “Why were you so rude? They come to visit you but you don’t even kiss them hello?!”

Me: “Mom said that they were diseased.”

Dad: “…”

(Dad had a talk with Mom, and she was mad at me for blabbing.)

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Teach Them To Sun-Screen What They Say

| USA | Children, Popular

(I am five years old. Mom is putting sunscreen on me on the beach.)

Me: “Mom, I don’t like this. Why are you putting it on me?”

Mom: “So that you don’t get burnt, honey.”

Me: “Burnt…? Like when Daddy burns the chicken?”

Mom: *not paying attention* “Yeah.”

(Afterwards, a very dark skinned black man passes by.)

Me: *loudly* “Mommy! He forgot to put on his sunscreen, didn’t he?!”

Mom: “Shh!”

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Menimism Schism

| USA | Popular, Siblings

(My family is watching a documentary on some indigenous tribes. The narrator mentions that women aren’t allowed to go on certain trips because it’s believed that the female presence scares away animals.)

Me: *calmly* “Well, that’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.”

Brother: “CALM DOWN.”

Me: “I am calm?”

Brother: “Stop being a feminazi all the time! Gosh!”

Me: “So, I can’t make one comment related to feminism without you freaking out about how I’m supposedly freaking out…”

Brother: “You’re such a feminazi! You’d probably get mad if I said I don’t believe in equal pay for women.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Brother: “I believe in that laissez faire stuff.”

Me: “So, you think discrimination is okay? What if a company paid a black man less than a white man for the same job?”

Brother: “It’s fine because it’s the company’s choice.”

(I honestly thought he was joking at first, but turns out he wasn’t. I ended up going into a bit of a rant after his comments, and my parents got mad at me for making such a big deal of it. Sorry if I’m extremely disappointed to have a sexist, racist, brother. He later referred to himself as a “menimist,” which made me ever more disgusted.)

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Good News For (A Heckuva Lot Of) Change

NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(The following happens when a well-dressed man comes in with bags full of sweets and gifts.)

Customer: “What’s your favorite flavor?!”

Me: “I like the lemon.”

Customer: “Then, give me that! A large! It’s for my wife!” *shakes with excitement*

Me: “I guess those presents and sweets are for her, too?”

Customer: *shakes with even more excitement* “YES! Yes they are!”

Me: “Here you go. That will be five dollars—”

Customer: *unable to contain himself* “MY WIFE IS PREGNANT! PREGNANT! I’m going to have a little son or daughter! HIGH FIVE!”

(The customer proceeds to high five me over the register and throws a bill onto the table.)

Customer: “I’m going to be a dad! Keep the change!” *skips out of the store*

(The bill he threw? It was $50!)

Originally seen on on Not Always Right.

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Hot Headed Mother

| USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals, Popular

(My mom is “frugal” to the point the point it comes across as cheap and rude. We don’t have central air in our house, so we have several window units. She refuses to put them in until the end of June at the earliest, no matter what the weather is. It’s the end of May, and the temperature has climbed into the low 90s. Inside of the house it’s reached 97 degrees, and the fans she turned on just move the hot air around.)

Me: “Mom, it’s way too hot in here.”

Mom: “Yeah, I know. What do you want for dinner?”

Me: “Nothing… it’s too hot.”

Mom: “I’ll make hamburgers.”

Me: “You can’t turn the stove on. It’ll just make the house hotter.”

Mom: “I don’t know what you want me to do about it.”

Me: “Maybe put the airs in and turn them on?”

Mom: “No, it’s too early.”

(Everyone else in the house proceeds to come home and complain about how hot it is in the house. My mom is the most vocal with her complaints, yelling at us about it being too hot and our dinner only making it hotter. Despite the rising temperature and her own complaints, she refuses to do anything to make it cooler until this happens…)

Mom: *picking up her dog* “Oh he’s burning up.”

Me: “Because it’s hot…”

Mom: “He hasn’t been acting right all day.”

Me: “Mother, it is 100 degrees in your house. No s***. Nobody has been.”

Brother: “He has the symptoms of heat stroke.”

Me: “So do the rest of us!”

Mom: “Well, put the airs in! How stupid could you guys be? Leaving it this hot all day for my little tiny baby boy!”

(She continued to coo at her dog while my brothers got the window units out of the attic. They put them in, and the house took three hours to cool off completely. This wasn’t the first time she proved her dogs were more important than her kids.)