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I Wish The Underworld Would Just Swallow Me Up

| CT, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(My dad and I are both huge nerds and really loved the first Underworld movie. I’m in my mid-teens, and we decide to watch the second movie together. Unfortunately we didn’t realize that one of the early scenes in the movie is a relatively explicit sex scene between a vampire and a werewolf. A teen-aged girl watching this with her father makes for awkwardness. This was my dad’s attempt to mitigate that.)

Dad: “And then they had little Disney babies! And one was a werewolf and one was a vampire, even though genetically that makes no god-d***ed sense!”

(10 years later and I still can’t watch sex scenes in movies without thinking of that!)

Pucking Obsessed

| MA, USA | Aunts & Uncles

(My uncle is a lawyer. Our local NHL team is the Bruins, and their arch-rivals are the Montréal Canadiens.)

Me: “Uncle [Name], I heard on the news that lawyers and judges have a rate of addiction that is twice the national average. I think it’s time we talked about your problem with this “Hock-E” that you’re so obsessed with. We’re here for you if you need to talk.”

Uncle: *watching a game as he speaks* “Well, I don’t know if it’s really a problem. I only watched the Bruins vs. Canadiens last night. I even watched a [College] basketball game after. I’m only going to one more game this weekend and only have three road trips planned — Hit him into the d*** boards! — Okay, I’ll calm down.”

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Certainly Has Character

| PA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular, Siblings

(I’m playing a game that lets you customize both your character and your character’s spouse. I’ve just painstakingly crafted my character to be as physically attractive to me as possible.)

Me: “Okay, before I work on my wife, I have to go to the bathroom.”

Sister: “Ooh, can I make your wife for you while you’re in there?”

Me: “Uh… sure, why not?”

(I leave, do my business, and come back.)

Sister: “I’m done with your character!”

(I stare horrified at the screen as the most terrifying combination of features stares back at me. Imagine if Jocelyn Wildenstein and a blob fish had a child and that’s about what the character looked like.)

Dad: “Wow, I never knew anyone could so painstakingly recreate a snorlax in a human character, but you did a pretty good job!”

Me: “I’m calling her Slagathor.”

(The game gave her a canonical name to refer to her, but my sister and I refused to call her anything other than “My pet snorlax, Slagathor.”)