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Definitely Not Married To The Idea

| Gresham, OR, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My papa is 80 years old and so he doesn’t exactly have a filter anymore and he’s over for lunch. I’m sitting in the living room with him and my step-brother when he says this out of the blue.)

Papa: “You know. Legally, you two can get married.”

(My step-brother looms at me with a look of horror and I returned it with a what-the-heck-just-happened face.)

Me: “What?!”

Papa: “Well, the more you know. I was just trying to help.”

(My step-brother and I just laughed nervously until my mother came into the room and we pretended like it never happened but my papa honestly didn’t see anything with what he said.)

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Squirrelling Away The Evidence

| CO , USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I wake up one morning and discover that my cat killed and ate half a squirrel. The only reason that I know for sure it was a squirrel is because the uneaten half was the squirrel’s bushy tail. After cleaning up the mess and throwing it in the trash, my family comes down for breakfast.)

Me: “Hey, Dad! The cat caught a squirrel last night!”

Dad: “What? No! There are no squirrels in the area! Must’ve been a chipmunk.”

(We live in an area that is not well-known to have a large population of squirrels, so my dad’s doubt towards my cat catching an actual squirrel is justifiable.)

Me: “Nope. It was a squirrel. I promise.”

Dad: “Impossible! Squirrels don’t live here!”

Mom: “Hon, they do. There’s a few that live here.”

Dad: “Where near here have you seen an actual squirrel?!”

Me: *flatly* “There’s half of one in the trashcan right now, if you’d like to see.”

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Sadly You’re Still A Nuclear Family

| London, England, UK | Popular, Siblings

(My brother, my grandfather and I have just gotten on a boat going down the river Thames. We see a boat with a diver under the water.)

Brother: “What are they diving for?”

Grandfather: “I heard the captain say that they found a bomb from World War 2.”

Brother: “Why is there still a bomb there?”

Me: “When London was bombed, not all of them went off, so they just stayed there.”

Brother: “Is it like, one of those big ones they dropped on China?”

Me: “What…?”

Brother: “You know, one of those really big ones?”

Me: “Do you mean the atomic bombs that were dropped in Japan?”

Brother: “Yeah, those.”

Me: “So, you think that there is an unexploded atomic bomb in the middle of London, no one is panicking and they sent one diver to get it?”

Brother: “…Yes?”

Me: “How are we related?”

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Sending Your Blessings Down Below

| Norfolk, England, UK | Grandparents, Popular

(In the past, I used to be really into gothic things. During that era of my life, my friends had bought me a couple of ornate pentagrams. With nowhere else to hang them up, Mum decided to put them on the wall of the toilet where they have hung up undisturbed. Roll forward to now when my very Catholic grandmother comes over, and has to use our toilet:)

Grandmother: “I am curious: why do you worship Satan whilst on the toilet, exactly?”

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Isn’t Too Chicken To Eat Off The Floor

| UT, USA | Sons & Daughters

(I’m grocery shopping with my two-year-old son. I’ve just recently started letting him walk next to me, rather than making him ride in the cart every time we shop. I look down and see that he’s chewing on something, and has a beige lump of something in his hand.)

Me: “[Son], what are you eating?”

Son: *nonchalantly* “Just chicken, Mom.”

Me: *taking it from him* “Where did you get it?”

Son: “The floor.”

Me: “Gross. You can’t eat stuff off the floor, buddy.”

Son: *spits bite out on the floor*

Me: “Um. Thanks. I didn’t know you still had some in your mouth. Now I gotta find a trash can.”