Having An Adult Conversation

| PA, USA | Cousins, Nephews & Nieces, Popular

(We are at a family reunion. My niece is five years old and is asking a lot of questions. My cousin works in the gay porn industry.)

Niece: “So, what do you do?”

Cousin: “Um… movies.”

Niece: “Oh, you’re an actor?”

Cousin: *chuckles awkwardly* “Yeah, sure, okay.”

Niece: “Have I seen any of your stuff?”

Cousin: “God, I hope not!”


Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

| USA | Children, Cousins, Popular

(I am in the car with my little cousin, who is tired because we have been driving for so long.)

Cousin: “When will we ever get there?”

His Dad: “Soon.”

Cousin: “You said that an hour ago!”

His Dad: “Sorry, son, we’re almost there.”

Cousin: “Sorry is just a word! It doesn’t mean anything! Society created it as an excuse so humans could appease each other! It’s useless!”

(He’s five.)


Tickles And Licking And Bites, Oh My

| USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

(My family and my aunt, uncle, and cousin are driving somewhere.)

Mom: “There’s not enough room for all of us in the car!”

Uncle: “It’s fine. [Cousin] can sit on the floor in the back.”

Mom: “Are you sure?”

Uncle: “It’s fine!”

(Ten minutes later…)

Brother: “Ow, [Cousin] bit me!”

(Twenty minutes later…)

Brother: “Stop licking me, [Cousin]!”

(Thirty minutes later…)

Brother: “Stop tickling me! He’s sitting on your side on the way back, [My Name].”


In Dire Need Of Direction

| St. Charles, MO, USA | Nephews & Nieces, Siblings

(I am going to funeral in an area I am not very familiar with. I have directions, and the rest of my family is already there. As I follow the directions, they are not going to an area I am expecting them to take me. It’s really rural and GPS is spotty, but surprisingly, cell phone service works. I call my sister, but I can’t reach her. After the third try, I try her teenage son.)

Me: “Hey, kiddo, can you get me your mom?”

Nephew: “She’s talking to a bunch of people.”

Me: “Okay, but I need to get some directions from her. Can you go bring her the phone?”

Nephew: “Are you lost?”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure…”

Nephew: *running over to his mom yelling loud enough for EVERYONE can hear* “MOM, [My Name] is LOST!”

Sister: *laughing as she picks up*

Me: “I AM NOT LOST! I’m just… not where I expected to be!”

Sister: “So, lost?”

Me: “Not lost. I can get back out of this. I’m just not sure I can get where you are from here.”

(All the while, in background you can hear my nephew:)

Nephew: “Is she lost? Do we have to go get her? Grandma, [My Name] is lost!”

Me: “Will you tell him I’m not lost already…? Then, give me directions.”


Losing Ctrl

| Brooklyn, Wellington, New Zealand | Parents & Guardians

(My mum is an IT teacher and head of department at a high school, but she can’t get her head around keyboard commands.)

Mum: “[My Name], how do you make a new tab with the keyboard?”

Me: “Ctrl+T.”

(Mum opens a new tab and starts doing really important stuff. After about half an hour, I hear her scream.)

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Mum: “I lost all my work!”

Me: “How?”

Mum: “I thought that since Ctrl+T makes a new tab, Ctrl+W would make a new window!”

(I have told her countless times that Ctrl+W closes a tab, so I just showed her how to restore her work, then walked off.)