(I’ve just gotten home from work, and see that the laundry I’d forgotten in the dryer last night is now mostly on the couch in the living room. Just a minute behind me, my dad gets home.)
Me: It’s just kind of amusing that my laundry is on the couch, but my hamper is still sitting here ready to go.
(I gesture to my empty hamper, sitting to the left of the washing machine.)
Dad: Ugh, don’t put your clean clothes back in a dirty hamper, kid.
Me: I’ve *never* put dirty clothes in there. I always use my laundry bag for that.
(I gesture to said bag, sitting on a shelf to the right of the washing machine.)
My family had just gotten back to the car and was buckling when my mom joined us.
Mom: Someone is really having fun in the bushes.
Me: As long as they’re not human.
Mom: Do humans twitter?
Me (laughing): Yes, … but they normally call that tweeting.
The birds flew away when she started the car.
(I have reached the age when I don’t like it when anyone sees me cry. One night, I am feeling really sad and have spent the past thirty minutes sobbing quietly in my room. My mom comes in and I stop immediately. Of course I look horrible with a runny nose, tear streaks on my cheeks, and red, puffy eyes. I turn away from her, but she steps in front of me. I tense, waiting for her to notice.)
Mom: I’m going to bed now. Turn off your light in about thirty minutes, okay?
Me: *in a shaky voice* O-okay…
Me: *thinking* I’m not sure whether to be relieved or insulted.
(Sister #1 and her boyfriend are in the next room, thinking of places to go eat. Sister#2 and I are in the same room.) Sister #1: “Guys, get ready! We are going out to eat!”
Sister #1: “Crawfish!”
Sister #2: *groans tiredly*
Boyfriend: *jokingly* “We are going to get McDonald’s!”
Sister #2: *jumps up* “Oh boy, oh boy!”
(I’m talking to my mom following one of my sister’s school performances.)
Me: So [husband’s] work is paying for him to take a couple courses to learn another programming language.
Mom: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah, I think it’s Saas or something. All I know is it’s expensive, but they’re covering the costs. He has conference calls a few hours a day for the next week or so.
Mom: He should record it, and share it with [stepfather].
Me: Uh, Mom, he can’t record it.
Mom: He can’t just set up a camera or something in his office?
Me: No, Mom, it’s a conference call at his work. He doesn’t do it when he works from home.
Mom: Oh, I thought it was just some training videos or something.
Me: No, he can’t record stuff like that, Mom. He works for the government!
(I decided it wasn’t worth going into why what she was suggesting was ethically wrong.)