(My brother and I are having an argument about our dad, who was unnecessarily cruel to me when I was a little girl. To my brother, though, he was nothing but kind so he doesn’t understand.)
Brother: “Why won’t you let dad take a look at your car. He’s a mechanic!”
Me: “I’d rather take it to a shop.”
Brother: “But why?! What did he ever do?”
Me: “Number of things. Like tossing me into the ocean when I was 6 and I couldn’t swim and laughing about it when I nearly drowned. And when I was sick with the flu at 12 he yelled at me to go clean our dog’s feces from the yard. ON my birthday. And–”
Brother: “Just get over it! It was years ago! JUST GET OVER IT!”
Me: “Don’t yell at me. You know, you’re just like him. And it’s not easy to get over things for girls. Guys just punch something and they’re okay.”
Brother: “UGH! I FEEL LIKE I COULD STRANGLE YOU!”
(My brother wasn’t happy, but I took my car to the shop and was all the happier about it. I hope one day he will understand!)
I am watching movie that has a lot violence when my 7 year old Great Niece arrives.
Niece “Is Aunty (My Name) watching a movie?”
Daughter “Yes she is”
Me “Yes it’s not a movie for children” *pauses movie
Niece * coming into room and standing between me and tv “Aunty (My Name) can you go and find something else to do?”
Me *laughing “I was just thinking about doing that, you can play a game”
Niece “Aunty (My Name) are you my Aunty or my Step Aunty?”
Me “I am your Great Aunty, you don’t have Step Aunties”
Niece “oohh Great Aunty”
(I’m doing the dishes and, as usual, have taken my watch off. My younger brother walks up.)
Brother: What are you doing?
Me: The damned dishes.
(I notice my brother pick up my watch from where I’ve left it on the kitchen counter)
Brother: *jokingly* What would you do if I dropped this in the water? *he holds it over the sink*
Me: *shrugs, unconcerned* Nothing. It’s waterproof.
Brother: You take your waterproof watch off to do the dishes?!
Me: I don’t want it to get covered in bubbles.
Brother: ….You’re nuts.
Me: You’ve know me your whole life and you’re just getting that now?
(I am visiting relatives. One of them mentions that he needs to go to a specialist store.)
Cousin #1: I need several things, so I may go to [town] rather than [city]. Surprisingly, the [store] in [city] is smaller than [town].
Me: Well, that’s because it’s a town, as opposed to just a shop.
Cousin #1: …
Cousin #2: …I see what you did there.
(I lift up my shirt a little bit to compare a tan with my normal skin color.)
Aunt: Oh hey! I didn’t know you had a tattoo! When did you get it?
Me: *looking at stomach* Uh, that’s a surgical scar. I’ve had it since I was five…