Category: Top

Won’t Depart Until You’ve Urn’ed It

| Scania, Sweden | Grandparents, Top

(My great-grandmother, a very energetic woman, died on New Year’s Eve at the age of 94. She requested to have her ashes planted in the sea off the coast of her childhood home. In May, it’s time for the ceremony, and it’s a very beautiful one. When we’ve said our good-byes, it’s time to plant the urn in the water. Grandpa drops the urn carefully- and can’t manage to make it sink. He struggles with this for several minutes.)

Grandpa: Well, she was an exceptional swimmer…

(Eventually, we just removed the lid and scooped water into the urn to make it sink. Good to know that even when she’d died, great-grandma still had her sense of humour!)

Getting Red About The Pink

| USA | Children, Nephews & Nieces, Top

(My four-year-old nephew and six-year-old niece want ice cream.)

Me: “Okay, kids! One for you and one for you.”

Nephew: *annoyed* “Why did you bring me this?!”

Niece: “It’s yummy! Try it! Thank you Uncle [My Name]!”

Nephew: “No, it’s pink!”

Me: “What’s the problem with pink? It’s strawberry flavor. You like them.”

Nephew: *more annoyed* “Pink color is for girls! Boys eat brown color and white color! I’ll turn to a girl if I eat this!”

Me: “That’s not true! I eat pink—”


(I was too busy laughing my guts off to stop him from dumping the ice cream on her dress.)

Playing Fair Cop With The Brothers

| Hamilton, ON, Canada | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Siblings, Top

(My school is having their annual BBQ at a park nearby. My five brothers are all surrounding me, talking and relaxed. They are all over six feet and 200 pounds, one being a wrestler, two cops, one a gun collector, and the other a football player. My new boyfriend comes over. Before he reaches me, all my brothers see.)

Wrestler Bro: “[My Name], who’s this?”

Me: “Uh, my friend… who is a boy.”

Cop Bro #1: “Sure that’s not reversed?”

Me: “Maybe…”

Collector Bro: “He decent?”

Me: “Yes…”

Cop Bro #2: “Got a rap sheet?”

Me: “Ask him.”

Football Bro: “Well?”

Boyfriend: “No.”

(By now, all my brothers have formed a circle around me and have puffed out their chests.)

Boyfriend: “My father is the head detective of the police force for homicide.”

Cop Bro #1 and #2: “Well, s***…”

Poking A Hole In Politeness

| Chepstow, Wales, UK | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Top

(I am about five years old, and visiting an abbey with my family, including my sister who is about six. There are lots of deep holes in the ground. I see my mum and gran talking and try to jump one of the holes… and fail. Apparently, this is what happens next: My sister wanders over to my mum and gran and waits politely for them to stop talking.)

Mum: “What is it, [Sister]? Go play with [My Name].”

Sister: *in a bored tone of voice* “Can’t. [My Name] fell down the hole.”

Mum: “What?!”

Sister: “She fell down the hole. Over there.”

Mum: “What? When?”

Sister: “A few minutes ago.”

Mum: *panicking* “Why didn’t you tell us?”

Sister: “You and Gran were talking. It’s rude to interrupt.”

(My family has never let me live down falling down the hole. My sister’s only reaction to her delayed response in the story was to say ‘well, it wasn’t as though you were going anywhere.'”)

Residual Sibling Rivalry

| NJ, USA | Siblings, Top

(I am about nine years old, and have just learned about the birds and the bees. My sister is about seven, and naturally, I tell her everything I know.)

Sister: “Ew. Did Mom and Dad do that?!”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Sister: “Ew! But there’s two of us, and that must mean they’ve done that at least twice! Gross!”

Me: “Silly [Sister], grown ups only do it once, on their honeymoon. Duh!”

Sister: “But then…”

Me: *exasperated sigh* “They do it once, and have a baby. The second baby comes from whatever is left inside the mommy after the first baby comes out. You’re the residue.”

Sister: “Oh…”

(She believed it for years!)

Experience Is The Mother Of Wisdom

| Philadelphia, PA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners, Top

(My mother was the youngest child and never babysat. My father grew up constantly helping out with his nieces and nephews. I’ve just been born and am home from the hospital, when Dad finds Mom staring at me on the changing table.)

Dad: “Hi.”

Mom: “Hi.”

Dad: “How is she?”

Mom: “Um. Okay. Kind of…”

Dad: “You don’t know what you’re doing, do you?”

Mom: “… No.”

Dad: *sighs and starts to remove soiled diaper* “Watch closely…”