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Precious Family Moments, Part 2

| USA | Distant Relatives, Top

(I get a friend request on Facebook from someone with an identical name to mine, which is odd considering I have a fairly rare last name. After about an hour of messaging, we realize we’re distantly related.)

Me: “I’d heard that there were some relatives that moved away to California a long time ago, but we never really talked much about them.”

Relative: “So you never talked about the California [Last Name]’s?”

Me: “Nope, I guess you’re like the Sackville Bagginses.”

Relative: “Yep, totally related.”

Precious Family Moments

Don’t Be Left Holding The Baby

| Germany | Children, Grandparents, Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Top

(My uncle’s wife gave birth to her first child a few months earlier. This is the first baby in the family since I was born. I already have made it clear that I’ll never have children, something my family has a hard time accepting.)

Aunt: *holding my little cousin* “Come on. Take and hold her for a moment!”

Me: “I have no idea how to hold a child. I’ll drop her.”

Aunt: “No! Take her!”

(She shoves my cousin into my arms and leaves the room. I immediately put her down because I’m uncomfortable holding children. My grandma enters.)

Grandma: “Why aren’t you holding your cousin!”

Me: “Granny, you know I don’t like holding children. They’re so fragile. I’m scared I’ll break something.”

Grandma: “You have to learn this for when you have children yourself!”

(She shoves my cousin back into my arms and leaves the room. I put her down again. My mom enters.)

Mom: “See, it’s not so bad holding children… Wait. You’re not holding her.”

Me: “No, I’m not, and the next time one of you tries to shove this child into my arms there’s a high chance I’ll throw her out the window.”

(My mom starts shouting about how I could say something like that. My sister enters.)

Sister: “Hey, [My Name], do you still think children are annoying?”

Me: “Yup. But apparently, in this family, most of them become even more annoying as they get older.”

Reacting On The Fly

| China | Children, Nephews & Nieces, Top

(My brother recently took his little four-year-old daughter on the bus with him. She notices that the zipper on the bag he is carrying is open.)

Niece: “Dad, your zipper is open!”

Brother: *panics and leans over to look at his fly*

(Everybody on the bus turns to look at my brother, some glancing down to his jeans as well. My niece notices that my brother’s notebook has fallen out and tries to tell him.)

Niece: “Daaaaad! Your zipper’s open, and now all of your stuff is falling out!”

Just Won That Presidential Debate

| OH, USA | Grandparents, Top

(I am in high school and struggling to memorize the US presidents for a test. My grandmother has decided this is a good time to lecture me on the failures of my generation.)

Grandmother: “Just laziness, that’s what it is! Kids these days don’t want to learn anything! When I was your age I had no trouble at all naming all the presidents! And the vice presidents too!”

Me: *finally fed up* “Well, when you were my age there were a lot fewer of them to remember!”

Grandmother: *shuts up*

Broke His Head And Their Belief System

| IA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Top

(My little brother and I are VERY young. We are wrestling around in the living room. I accidentally smack his head into the coffee table, and he has to get stitches. Fast forward about 10 years…)

Me: “Hey, remember that time I smacked [Brother’s] head into the coffee table?”

Mom: “What do you mean you ‘smacked his head into the coffee table’?!”

Me: *confused*

Dad: “You told us he jumped off the coffee table!”

Me: “I did?”

Mom & Dad: “YES!”

Me: “And you believed me?!”

Mom: “… She’s got a point, there.”