Category: Sons & Daughters

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The Bottom Of All Punishments

| MI, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(My sister is out shopping with her toddler son. He can’t make up his mind if he wants to walk or sit in his stroller, so he keeps climbing out and back in.)

Mother: *exasperated* “You can stay in or out, but make up your mind, or I am going to strap your bottom in there!”

Son: *suddenly screaming and crying* “Nooo, Mama! Don’t strap my bottom!”

Mother: *speechless*

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Oranges And Chickens And Ham, Oh My

| Edmonton AB, Canada | Children, Sons & Daughters

(My six-year-old son just bought a notebook which he calls his “secret diary.” The fact that it’s supposed to be a secret never stops him from leaving it wide open on the kitchen table every day since he got it. Of course, whenever he does this, I take advantage of it. Here are some things I saw in the diary.)

Monday: “Peanut butter + jam = good. Ham + cheese = good. Peanut butter + ham = not bad. Jam + cheese = gross.”

Tuesday: “I wore shoes inside and no one found out.”

Wednesday: *nothing on the page but a badly-drawn picture of a chicken*

Thursday: “I like oranges.”

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Locked In To Locking Herself In

| Skogn, Norway | Children, Sons & Daughters

(My daughter is three-and-a-half years old and prefers to be alone when using the toilet. The bathroom has a lock that can be opened from the outside, much like a stall in a public restroom. I use a tiny, flat screwdriver to unlock the door when she needs assistance.)

Daughter: “Mommy, I’m finished!”

Me: “Okay, may I come in?”

Daughter: “No, I have to poop more.”

Me: “Okay, let me know when you are ready.”

(I start looking for the tiny screwdriver and realize I’ve forgotten it inside the bathroom.)

Daughter: “I’m finished!”

Me: “Can you unlock the door?”

Daughter: “No, you unlock it.”

Me: “I can’t; the screwdriver is inside with you. It’s next to the sink.”

Daughter: “Oh.” *laughs* “Found it.”

(She unlocks and opens the door. Without a word, she gives me the screwdriver, goes back inside and locks again. I hear her climb back on the toilet.)

Me: *knocks on the door* “May I come in?”

Daughter: “Yeeeeeees! You can unlock the door now.”

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Backpack To School

| Maryville, TN, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(It’s tax free weekend before school starts. My daughter declares she CANNOT start school without a purple backpack and pink hair. We’ve been to four different stores looking for the perfect backpack. We finally find one at the most crowded store in town. I’m also dragging around my one-year-old son.)

Me: *daughter* “Put that back. Where you found it. Get over here. Hi! Yeah, I found everything we needed.”

Cashier: “Cash or credit?”

Me: “Credit. [Son], if you fall and bust your head open, we’re not going to the emergency room. [Daughter], put that candy bar back right now. No, where it belongs. Stand here and don’t move.” *mutters under breath* “Have kids they said. It’ll be fun they said.”

Cashier: “Who’s they?”

Me: “The same lying jerks that said the second kid would be easier.”

Cashier: “Oh, I like you!”

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Youngest Son Wins

| Chicago, IL, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

Me: “What did you do at school today?”

Older Son: “I made this delicious treat using pressurized marshmallows, peanut butter chips, miniature chocolate chips, rice crispy cereal, and sprinkles!”

(We all taste the treat and agree that it’s delicious. I then turn to Youngest Son.)

Me: “What did you do at school today?”

Youngest Son: “I killed Justin Bieber!”

(Long silence. When we realize a further explanation is not forthcoming:)

Me: “Huh?”

(Turns out it was a computer game. Apparently he demolished Bieber with a pile of goo and three zombies.)

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