Category: Pets & Animals

It’s Bark Is Worse Than Its Flight

| Japan | Pets & Animals, Siblings

(My family recently got a dog who does not like to be alone. When we leave the house, we leave her in a gated hallway. The gate is about three times her height. My family returned one day to her out of her kennel. Nothing had happened except there was a dark pee spot on the floor.)

Dad: “How did she jump that?”

Brother: “Maybe she can fly? She probably climbed it, though…”

(Two days later. We have improved the hallway and the gate is now about four or five times her height. We come home again to find her out of her hall, and another pee spot two inches from the other.)

Dad: “I think she squirmed through this space.”

Mom: “That space!? But it’s three inches wide!”

Brother: “I’m still not ruling out the possibility of flying.”

An Attention Disorder

| VT, USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

(My family has two cats and a dog, and it’s time to feed them.)

Mom: “The animals need attention.”

Me: *to [Dog]* “Hi, [Dog]. How was your day?”

Don’t Be Hiss-terical

| PA, USA | Grandparents, Pets & Animals, Popular, Siblings

(My sister has always had a very strained relationship with our grandmother, who often is nasty and sarcastic towards her for no reason while taking offense to absolutely everything my sister says to her, whether justified or not. This conversation happened over a recent family gathering.)

Me: “So, my boyfriend and I may have accidentally adopted another kitten. We found one abandoned under our front porch and brought him in from the cold and now he seems to think he lives there.”

Sister: “I wish I could find a kitten under my porch, but I’d be worried that my garter snake that lives under there might try to hurt it.”

Grandmother: “You need to get rid of it.”

Sister: “But I don’t want to get rid of him! I named him Shoelace and I like him because he helps with our mouse infestation.”

Grandmother: “Well, I don’t like snakes and I think you should get rid of him! Kill him if at all possible!”

Sister: “Sorry, but I’m not going to hurt Shoelace just because you don’t like him. He’s not dangerous and he mostly just does his own thing and you’ll probably never see him unless you know where to look anyway.”

Grandmother: “Well, as long as you have a snake at your house, I’m never coming to visit again!”

(She then storms off angrily, leaving my sister and I standing there looking stunned.)

Me: “Do you think she was serious about that?”

Sister: “I hope so. What’s the largest species of snake that you can legally own as a pet in Pennsylvania?”

The Dog Is Too Chicken To Play Along

| Cape Cod, MA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I was a very fussy eater as a child. One day my godmother has come to visit, bringing her Husky with her. All the humans are having dinner together, and the dog is under the table.)

Mother: “All right, [Sister], what do you want for dessert?”

Me: “Hey, how come I don’t get dessert?”

Mother: “Because you didn’t finish your chicken. Eat it and you can have dessert.”

*leaves room to get ice cream*

(I hated chicken, and in fact went vegetarian shortly thereafter, at the age of nine. That day, however…)

Me: “Fine.” *picks up piece, palms it, and passes it off to the dog*

Mother: *returns* “There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Dog: *burps*

Me: *glares at dog*

(I didn’t get dessert, but at least we all got a good laugh!)

The Cat Was Not A-Mew-sed

| USA | Pets & Animals, Siblings

(My brother’s cat usually sleeps with him. Tonight, for some reason, the cat decides to sleep with me, but I don’t know he is under the covers.)

Me: *in bed* “What’s this weird furry thing?”

Cat: “Meooooowwwww!!”

Me: “Gah!”

(I roll over and feel him with my foot, and not knowing it is him, try to kick him! In response, he slashes at my foot and hops off!)

Me: “OW! Owwww…”

Brother: *bursts in* “What happened?!”

Me: *explains*

Brother: *pets cat* “Good cat.”

Got That Problem Licked

| NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

(I am eating leftover pizza for a small dinner. As I set myself up to eat at the computer, my cat decides to start licking one of the slices.)

Me: “UGH. NO.” *swats the cat away* “Why would you do that?”

(I proceed to tear off the chunk she had licked and threw it in the trash. My mom hears me and comes over.)

Mom: “What happened?”

Me: “She licked my pizza!”

Mom: “Who?”

Me: “That one!” *points at the cat*

Mom: “So? Lick it right back.”

(I gave her a disgusted look and she kept repeating “lick it back” all the way back to her bedroom.)

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