Category: Parents & Guardians

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Home Alone 9: Pantsless in Pennsylvania

| PA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(After weeks of pleading, my 14-year-old brother finally convinced my parents to let him stay home alone for a night while they were visiting a friend. I live right next door, so not even five minutes after they pull out of the driveway, I receive a knock on the door and answer it to find my brother.)

Brother: “So I have a question… What is the proper etiquette regarding not wearing pants in the house when you’re home alone?”

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A Household Name

| USA | Children, Nephews & Nieces, Parents & Guardians

(My niece is five and about a month away from becoming a big sister. Due to both her parents having very common first names, they gave her an uncommon one and have picked out another uncommon name for my soon to be nephew as well. In the fall she will begin kindergarten, so her school sets up a two-week long summer program for the students to attend to get to know their classmates and teachers. This happens when her very pregnant mother goes to pick her up on the first day.)

Teacher: “[Niece] seems to be very outgoing. She just wanted to play with everyone. She went up to every student and introduced herself the moment she got here.”

Mom: “Yea, she does that everywhere.”

Teacher: “There was a slight incident, though… Were you planning on naming your new baby [Nephew]?”

Mom: *laughing* “Did she tell you that?”

Teacher: “Well, we have another student here with that name and when he told her that was his name they got into a little argument. I tried to explain to her that there are a lot of people in this world who share the same name but she refuses to call the other boy by his name stating that he’s not her brother.”

(Back at home, mom and dad are discussing what happened and they realise that Niece has never met two people with the same name before. They are trying to convince her that the boy’s name is actually Nephew’s Name.)

Niece: “No!” *points to mom’s belly* “That’s baby [Nephew]. He can’t be [Nephew] because he’s not baby [Nephew]!”

Mom: “They just have the same name. It doesn’t mean they’re the same person. When I was in kindergarten I had three other girls in my class named [Mom] like me. We never knew who the teacher was talking to.”

Dad: “You wouldn’t believe how many people I’ve met named [Dad]. In fact, you have a cousin named [Dad], just like me.”

Niece: “You’re not [Dad]. You’re [Nickname] and [Dad] is [Dad]!”

Mom: “You can’t argue with that logic. You know, she does always correct people when they call you [Dad].”

Dad: “Does that mean when someone calls me that she thinks they are talking to her cousin and not me?”

(They did finally get her to understand (although reluctantly) and a month later they welcomed in a healthy baby boy whom she can’t wait to introduce to her new, same named friend.)

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Dough-n’t Stop Her Now

| Macon, GA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Punny

(We own multiple cats. When they lie down with all their legs tucked under them, I refer to them as a catloaf.)

Me: “Mom, look at your cat. He looks like a loaf of bread.”

Mom: *going over to pet the cat, talking in a baby voice* “Are you being a catloaf?”

Me: “Yeah, he’s just loafing around.”

Mom: *rolling her eyes* “Uh-huh.”

(The cat, who is well-known for being demanding about attention, stands so he can get more petting.)

Me: “Looks like he’s… bready for more.”

Mom: “Hm. I see what you did there.”

(She walks away, and the cat yowls loudly at the sudden lack of attention.)

Me: “Okay, okay, I’ll pet you instead. It’s the… yeast I could do.”

Mom: *quietly exasperated* “[My Name]…”

Me: *exaggerated finger-guns at her* “Hey— I’m on A ROLL!”

Mom: *loudly exasperated* “[MY NAME]!”

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