Category: Parents & Guardians


Your Inheritance Doesn’t Run Like Clockwork

| UK | Parents & Guardians

(My family has had an old clock passed down through the male generations. I am the daughter and while I do have a brother it’s supposed to go to me since I am the more responsible of the two of us. While my mom is telling me about this we have the following conversation.)

Mom: “…so since it’s not going to your brother, it will go to you instead.”

Me: “Well, since grandad has been teaching me the clock maintenance already I honestly assumed that.”

(I’m really happy since I’ve loved this clock since I was a young girl. It’s a beautiful clock with a pendulum and have frequently pointed out how stupid it is to only give it to the males of the family.)

Mom: “And then when you’re older you can pass it onto your children!”

Me: “I’m asexual…” *a conversation I’ve had a few times with her*

Mom: “What?!”

Me: “Yeah. No sex; no kids.”

Mom: “Well, it’s not going to your brother.”

(She thinks for a few seconds then nods to herself.)

Mom: “I’ll just sell it since it has no one to go to. Don’t tell mom and dad!”

Me: “But it can go to me! All that’s happening is I’m not having kids!”

Mom: “Well, it has no one to go to so I might as well sell it.”

Me: *near tears by this point seeing she isn’t listening* “Sure, mom. Sell it. Sure.”

Mom: “Well, you could adopt!”

Me: “I’m signed off work due to autism and live in a rented flat! Who’ll let me raise a kid?!”

Mom: “You’re right. Guess I will just have to sell it.”

Me: *speechless and near tears*

(I guess I’m not inheriting any of my mom’s family’s antiques.)


Puns In Stereo

| WA, Australia | Parents & Guardians

(We’re on the way home from a psychiatrist visit. I’m filling my mother in about the discussion we had.)

Me: “So he’s thinking of putting me on MAOIs or maybe adding lithium to my Pristiq.”


Mum: “So then you’ll be a—”

Me: “So then I’ll be a—”

Both: “Battery!”


Animated In Your Hypocrisy

| PA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My family is a bit loose with what is defined as ‘too violent to watch’, with my mother and I being horror movie fans. My mom has always disliked anime, and finding any excuse she can to get me to change the TV to something else when she sees me watching an anime that I like. A news site does an editorial on an anime that was getting controversy as being ‘hardcore.’)

Mom: *calling me over with a sour look on her face* “Is it true that [Anime I like] has [Minor subplot in filler episode featuring a serial killer]?!”

Me: “Uh, yeah, sorta. That’s really what you’re freaking out about? That’s not even in the official anime; they left it out when they re-made it.”

Mom: “How can you watch something with that in it? That’s so violent; I don’t want you watching it anymore!”

(I wordlessly look over to the TV where my mother has her favorite zombie show on. Right then it was showing a man being disemboweled while zombies devour him, still screaming. I look back at my mom.)

Mom: *looking thoroughly defeated* “I just don’t trust that anime stuff…”


The Birds And The Mechanical Bees

| Geneva, Switzerland | Parents & Guardians

(I am six years old and my mom is preparing me for the arrival of my baby brother. She gives me a quick sex-ed lesson about where babies come from and I ask her a question.)

Me: “Mom.”

Mom: “What?”

Me: “Have you ever had sex before?”

Mom: *sarcastically* “No, you’re actually a robot.”

(I didn’t catch the sarcasm and believed that my 36-year old-mother had never had sex before her pregnancy and that I was a robot for two days before she corrected me.)


Only Achieved Half The Feat

| MI, USA | Parents & Guardians

(After a recent surgery, my father is unable to continue on a home repair project, so he asks me to finish up the trim in the dining room so the furniture can get moved back into place. My mother says she would go out the night before to get the supplies I’d need. The next day…)

Mom: “I got the trim pieces Dad said you’d need. They’re in the basement by the saw.”

Me: “Thanks!” *I go to check out the supplies*

Me: “Um, Mom? These are a lot shorter than the walls. Didn’t Dad say to get 16’ pieces?”

Mom: “Those are 16’ pieces. But I couldn’t get them in the van, so I broke them in half to make them fit.”

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