Category: LGTBQ

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That “Stuff” Is Gross

| UK | Cousins, LGTBQ

(My cousin from away has visited us. He has just found out that my brother is gay and is unusually keen to understand more.)

Cousin: *suddenly* “What does it taste like?”

Brother: *lifting his head up from a book and noticing who [Cousin] talking to* “What does what taste like?”

Cousin: “You know, the stuff.”

Brother: “What stuff?”

Cousin: “The… semen?”

Brother: “I’m fourteen.”

Cousin: “So?”

Brother: “I’m a virgin.”

Cousin: “Can’t you taste your own?”

(My brother suddenly had a deer in the headlights moment before retiring to his bedroom. My cousin never got an answer. I still don’t know if he tasted his own “stuff.”)

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Your Opinions Are Trans-Parent

| Seattle, WA, USA | Holidays, LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(I am a young woman and home for the holidays. My girlfriend is a source of tension, as my mom is religious and my girlfriend is trans.)

Me: “I will definitely be here for Christmas, but I might spent a day with [Girlfriend].”

Mom: “That’s fine. She’s welcome here, you know.”

Me: “I know, but she doesn’t feel welcome.”

Mom: “Well, I don’t understand why. Oh, by the way, there’s someone new to the area I want to warn you about.”

Me: “Do tell.”

Mom: “There’s this man who wears women’s clothes who hangs out in the library. It wears a really cheap wig, so you can probably spot it. Now, I don’t dislike him for that, but that is how you can identify it.”

(A few minutes later we walk by a woman with a strong jaw.)

Mom: “That was him. Watch out for that guy!”

(Now, why would my girlfriend feel unwelcome, do you think?)

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Make The Yuletide Gay

| UK | Holidays, LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(My mother has been sick for a while with a very, very bad cold. She is taking the opportunity to sulk about it, much to my dad’s annoyance. Note that I’ve recently come out as a lesbian, and my name has two syllables.)

Mum: “I just feel so awful today.”

Dad: “Cheer up! It’s Christmas!”

Me: *singing* “Jingle Bells, Mum can’t smell…”

Dad: *not missing a beat* “[My Name]’s gone all gay!”

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Ashes To Ashes, Dust To Dusty

| NJ, USA | Aunts & Uncles, LGTBQ

(My husband’s uncle and his male partner were together for 35 years until his partner died of a heart attack. He was devastated, and it took him a long time before he was even close to his formerly funny, irreverent self. We were visiting about a year after his partner died. Uncle was always a notoriously bad housekeeper.)

Uncle: “Sorry about the mess.”

Me: “It’s not that bad.”

Uncle: “You should have been here yesterday. I moved [Partner]’s ashes around five times. Then I finally had to say ‘Sorry, dear, but you’re going to have to go back in the closet!'”

(We all had a very cathartic laugh, and I am sure our other uncle would have joined in.)

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Needs To Reorient The Car

| Buffalo, NY, USA | In-Laws, LGTBQ, Siblings, Sons & Daughters

(My daughter has recently come out as a lesbian; most of our family is very supportive. She comes out to her aunt (my sister-in-law) as we’re parking in front of the local mall. My sister-in-law parks so badly that the car is at a 45 degree angle with the lines.)

Sister-In-Law: “Wow, I didn’t park very well, did I?”

Daughter: “It’s still straighter than I am.”

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