Category: LGTBQ

Mom Has Good BiFi

| ON, Canada | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(I’m 26, female, and engaged to a man, but have finally come out as bisexual after a decade of trying to deny myself. My fiancé takes it extremely well and I’m preparing to come out to my family. I’m talking to my mom on the phone.)

Me: “Yeah, if anything ever did happen to me and [Fiancé], I’m just gonna live a life of sex, gaming, cosplaying, and nerdiness…” *decides to let the bomb drop* “…either with a guy or a girl.”

Mom: “Okay.”

Me: “Mom, I’m bi.”

Mom: “I know.”

Me: *was not expecting that at all* “WHAT?! HOW?!”

Mom: “I’m your MOTHER! I KNOW EVERYTHING! I’ve had a feeling ever since you were fifteen!”

(I will never ever again deny the power of a mother’s senses.)

He Read About It In A Magazine

| UK | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(I came out as gay a few months ago. While most of my family were fine with it, my dad wasn’t too keen. He wasn’t hostile about it, but he did get this idea in his head that he could “turn me back.” I come home from school one afternoon to find porn magazines on my bed, tailored towards straight men — there was at least £50 worth all laid out. I sneer at them as my dad comes into the room.)

Dad: “So? Has it worked?”

Me: “Yup. I guess I’m straight now. Yum, p***y!”

(My dad didn’t take it well, but I got a good laugh out of the reaction. That was five years ago. We don’t talk much now, but he’s come around a bit since then.)

That “Stuff” Is Gross

| UK | Cousins, LGTBQ

(My cousin from away has visited us. He has just found out that my brother is gay and is unusually keen to understand more.)

Cousin: *suddenly* “What does it taste like?”

Brother: *lifting his head up from a book and noticing who [Cousin] talking to* “What does what taste like?”

Cousin: “You know, the stuff.”

Brother: “What stuff?”

Cousin: “The… semen?”

Brother: “I’m fourteen.”

Cousin: “So?”

Brother: “I’m a virgin.”

Cousin: “Can’t you taste your own?”

(My brother suddenly had a deer in the headlights moment before retiring to his bedroom. My cousin never got an answer. I still don’t know if he tasted his own “stuff.”)

Your Opinions Are Trans-Parent

| Seattle, WA, USA | Holidays, LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(I am a young woman and home for the holidays. My girlfriend is a source of tension, as my mom is religious and my girlfriend is trans.)

Me: “I will definitely be here for Christmas, but I might spent a day with [Girlfriend].”

Mom: “That’s fine. She’s welcome here, you know.”

Me: “I know, but she doesn’t feel welcome.”

Mom: “Well, I don’t understand why. Oh, by the way, there’s someone new to the area I want to warn you about.”

Me: “Do tell.”

Mom: “There’s this man who wears women’s clothes who hangs out in the library. It wears a really cheap wig, so you can probably spot it. Now, I don’t dislike him for that, but that is how you can identify it.”

(A few minutes later we walk by a woman with a strong jaw.)

Mom: “That was him. Watch out for that guy!”

(Now, why would my girlfriend feel unwelcome, do you think?)

Make The Yuletide Gay

| UK | Holidays, LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(My mother has been sick for a while with a very, very bad cold. She is taking the opportunity to sulk about it, much to my dad’s annoyance. Note that I’ve recently come out as a lesbian, and my name has two syllables.)

Mum: “I just feel so awful today.”

Dad: “Cheer up! It’s Christmas!”

Me: *singing* “Jingle Bells, Mum can’t smell…”

Dad: *not missing a beat* “[My Name]’s gone all gay!”

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