Category: In-Laws

Family Function Dysfunction

| Australia | Distant Relatives, In-Laws

(My husband and I have noticed we stopped getting invitations to his family’s functions.  One Friday evening he takes a phone call.)

Husband: “No, I can’t because I’m working tomorrow.” *pause* “No, [My Name] can’t because she’s working, too.” *pause* “When was this arranged? Because this is the first time I’ve heard of it.” *pause* “Why weren’t we told then? We both could have arranged to have the day off.” *pause* “No, we can’t do that now; it’s too late. It’s the day before and we both have to give two weeks notice.”

(After he hangs up:)

Me: “What was that about?”

Husband: “Apparently there’s a family thing on tomorrow. I’ve come to the conclusion that they only ever remember to tell us when they want us to drive them.”

Me: “Does that mean I won’t get a phone call tomorrow evening from your sister demanding to know why we haven’t turned up to yet another family function?”

That Wall Will Never Be Built

| UT, USA | Grandparents, In-Laws, Parents & Guardians

(I’m at my in-laws’ house, celebrating my mother-in-law’s birthday. My husband’s grandma asks when the pictures were taken.)

Me: “They were taken before I was pregnant with [Daughter]. I think September 2015.”

Father-In-Law: “Yeah, but we just barely got them up on the walls.”

Grandma: “Looks like it’s time to take some new ones, because [Brother-in-Law], [Sister-in-Law], and [Daughter] have joined the family.”

Father-In-Law: *laughs* “It took us four years to get [My Name] on the wall, so you guys will be lucky to be up there sooner than that!”

Sandwiched Between Your Wife And Her Brother

| UK | In-Laws, Siblings

(I have only been at this job a couple of weeks. I have just served a customer who asked for a plain chicken sandwich.)

Customer: “Excuse me, there’s no sauce!”

Me: *looking at receipt* “You asked for a plain sandwich.”

Customer: “Yes, which comes with sauce!”

Me: *not convinced but just going along with it* “Oh? I’m sorry. I’ll be more than happy to add—”

Customer: “Make me a new sandwich, and this time, MAKE IT RIGHT!”

(I proceed to remake his sandwich, while he is holding the original.)

Me: “Which sauce would you like, sir?”

Customer: “What’s your name?”

Me: “[My Name].”

Customer: “Well, [My Name].” *while using air quotes* “Could you get the owner, please?”

Me: “Sure. Is there a particular reason why you want them?”

Customer: “JUST GET HIM!”

(I call the owner down. The owner doesn’t even acknowledge me on seeing the customer.)

Owner: “Ah, [Customer]. What appears to be the problem?”

Customer: “This—”

Owner: “A sandwich?”

Customer: “Yes; this—”

Owner: “Sauce? You know you have ask, remember?”

Customer: “Yes, well—”

Owner: “Were you wanting two?”

Customer: “No…”

Owner: “I assume you want [Specialty Sauce]?”

(The owner finishes the customer’s sandwich and takes the old one. Once the customer leaves he turns to me.)

Owner: “Here. On the house. In the future, if you see him just call me immediately.”

Me: “Does he do that a lot?”

Owner: “Every time he sees someone new in the window. I offered him a job against my better judgement, and he refused to comply with anyone’s orders. He’s been ever so spiteful since letting him go. I’ll be getting a call from his wife next.”

Me: “You know him personally?”

Owner: “Why else do you think I hired him? He’s my brother-in-law!”

Ignorance Is Not The Best Medicine

| CT, USA | In-Laws, Siblings, Sons & Daughters

(My husband and I call our usual babysitter, his sister-in-law, over to babysit our toddler while we go for a night out. We recently discovered that our daughter has an allergy to ibuprofen that results in a severe rash and swelling. We remind SIL about this allergy before we leave, but as we are leaving dinner and on our way to a movie, we receive this phone call.)

Sister-In-Law: “You should probably come home. [Daughter] isn’t looking so great.”

Me: “Why? What’s wrong? Did she get sick?”

Sister-In-Law: “Well, she was running a fever, and now she has a really bad rash and her eyes are nearly swollen shut.”

Me: “That sounds like an allergic reaction. Did you give her any medicine?”

Sister-In-Law: “After I checked her temperature I gave her some [Name-Brand Ibuprofen] to help her fever.”

Me: *knowing we don’t have any [Name-Brand Ibuprofen] in the house* “Where did you get it? You know that has ibuprofen in it, right?”

Sister-In-Law: “I noticed all you had was [Name-Brand Acetaminophen] and that doesn’t work as well as [Name-Brand Ibuprofen], so I went to the drugstore and got some. I thought it would be okay because it’s [Name-Brand Ibuprofen], not ibuprofen.”

(I stop, rather upset, and take a deep breath.)

Me: “We’ll be home in ten minutes. Give her some of the [Antihistamine] in the cabinet.”

(My husband and I gave her quite an earful about checking the ingredients of drugs before giving them to a child. The antihistamine worked as it should, so our daughter was fine, but we’re not planning to let our sister-in-law babysit again for a while!)

The Shouting Makes Him Enfilade

| Detroit, MI, USA | Children, In-Laws, Nephews & Nieces, Siblings

(I am a retired Marine, and I have never lost the habit of using military terminology. My five-year-old nephew has taken his bath and is on the family room sofa, lying pressed up against the cushions so that he can’t be seen from the kitchen.)

Brother-In-Law: “Where’s [Nephew]?”

Me: “He’s in defilade.”

Nephew: *yelling* “No, I’m not! I’m in my underwear!”

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