Category: Friends

It’s Brawl in the Family

| Tulare, CA, USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians

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(My mother, older brother, his friend, and I are talking about Jersey Shore, a reality TV show on MTV.)

Mom: “Who wants to watch a bunch of people get drunk and fight?”

Older Brother’s Friend: “That sounds a lot like my family reunions.”

Twin-Sided Race Card

| USA | Friends, Popular, Siblings

(My roommate, his girlfriend, and guest are over; they are all Asian. A neighbor walks in. He is rather drunk and stares at the girls.)

Neighbor: “Wow, you girls look alike!”

Girlfriend: “Wow, you white people are so racist.”

Guest: “Really now, you can’t tell us Asians apart.”

Neighbor: “I, uhh… I got to go.” *runs off*

Me: “So, you girls ever going to tell [Neighbor] that you are twins?”

Both In Unison: “Nope, never. Our parents still get us confused!”

Roommate: *looking guilty and hiding a sharpie*

Girlfriend: “I already know you marked me to tell us apart, and you’re not off the hook!”

Stupid By One Digit

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Friends, Parents & Guardians

(Every Saturday, some of my parents’ friends come over to play cards. I’m doing my homework in a separate area when one wanders in and strikes up a conversation.)

Family Friend: “I saw your new car in the driveway, by the way. It looks very nice. How much was it and what model is it?”

Me: “It’s a 2014 [Brand] [Model]. We got it for [price], I think.”

Family Friend: “2014 for that price? That’s a good bargain!”

(Later in the evening, after everyone goes home, my mom eventually wanders in. Apparently, the family friend had relayed our earlier conversation to her.)

Mom: “What you said was pretty close; the car was actually [different price] after all the add-ons.”

Me: *sensing a lead-in* “Okay?”

Mom: “Also, while it is indeed the 2014 model like you said… I told them it was the 2015 one.”

(Naturally, this declaration surprises me, to say the least.)

Me: “Um, why?”

Mom: *defensively* “Well, you see, your father had mistakenly told everyone that it was a 2015 model, so if they knew that it was actually from 2014, they would think that he’s a liar who’s trying to make himself look better! So naturally, I had to back him up!”

Me: “…So, just to make sure our family friends, who have known us for over 20 years, don’t think that dad is suddenly a self-absorbed compulsive liar, you intentionally made me look like the stupid, mistaken one instead, in order to corroborate a lie, all over a minor, honest mistake dad made? All this instead of admitting he was simply off by one digit?”

Mom: *pauses* “…No, no. I wouldn’t make you look stupid, sweetie!”

Giving Birth To The Returner Culture

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Children, Friends

(I am out to lunch with a of couple girlfriends for one’s birthday, and the birthday girl’s three year old daughter. While I don’t have or want any of my own, kids don’t really bother me.)

Me: *after about five minutes of the girl hanging on me, including standing in my lap to wave to the kitchen staff* “Okay, [Birthday Girl], you can have her back now.”

Birthday Girl: “Nuh-uh, she’s yours now! There’s no return policy!”

Other Friend: “Honey, there was a no return policy when she fell out of your vagina.”

Parenting Means Not Being Afraid To Get Dirty

| VT, USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians

(My friends and I are at an old, dusty farmhouse getting ready for a wedding. My infant son is crawling around on the floor.)

Friend: *to me* “What’s [Baby] eating?”

Me: *looks at [Baby]* “Oh… I don’t know. Probably dirt.” *shrug*

Friend: “…I want to be just like you when I have kids.”

Piano No No

| USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians

(I have a very steep learning curve, and I pick up on things very easily. Both my parents love to brag about me because I’m very intelligent, and very young. This happened at my mom’s work, while talking to a coworker who also has children.)

Mom: “[My Name] taught herself a song on the piano in, like, a day.”

Coworker: “Oh, how long has she been playing?”

Mom: “She hadn’t before then.”

Coworker: “…I don’t want to talk to you about kids anymore.”

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