Category: Friends

A$$inine Comments

| Columbus, GA, USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

Me: “I always draw my brother as a donkey in comics, because he’s a dumba$$.”

Friend: “Ok.”

Me: “Of course, I’m a smart-a$$.”

Friend: “And you’re mom’s just an a$$?”

Me: “She’s an a$$hole.”

Friend: “And what about your dad?”

Me: *thinks a minute* “He’s oblivi-a$$.”

Mom Pierces Your Self-Confidence

| UK | Friends, Parents & Guardians

(When I was 12 I discovered fake piercings. Being that my not-so-nice mother didn’t want me to so much as get my ears pierced until I was 21, I got excited and bought some. I went home with one on each ear, one on my nose and one on my bottom lip.)

Me: “Mum, I found fake piercings at [Shop]! How cool do I look now? And they don’t leave any holes!”

Mum: *to me* “You look so ugly!” *to Neighbor* “Doesn’t she look so ugly?”

Me: *hurt* “But I look like [Favourite Singer] now!”

Neighbor: “I think she looks like a rock star. Wouldn’t you agree, [Mum]?”

Mum: “No! She looks disgusting! You look horrible, [My Name]! No child of mine is going to look like that!”

(She then rips the fake piercings off my face, cutting my nose and left ear in the process.)

Mum: “You’re never getting any piercings, you hear me?!”

(Neighbor walks back inside.)

Mum: “You’re lucky that’s all I did. If [Neighbor] hadn’t been around you’d have something to really cry about.”

(I walk away to my friend’s house and relate this to her, shaken and upset.)

Friend: “What a b****. I thought you looked awesome!”

Me: “I don’t understand why she was so mad; they aren’t real!”

(Two weeks later my dad took me out to get my ears pierced for real, even though I refused to tell anyone about it until they’d healed and I could take them out when I was at home. I’m now 18, away from her, and have my left ear stretched, bright blue hair, and a nose and a tongue piercing. I get compliments on the regular. F*** you, Mum.)

Doesn’t Take A Surgeon To Work Out

| USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(I read about a psychology research on gender bias which used the riddle about a father and son being in a car crash; the father dies and the son goes to the operating room. But the surgeon says “I can’t operate – that’s my son!” The answer is that the surgeon is the mother. However not many got this. I asked this question to a group of friends, all of them are on the LGBT spectrum. 1/16 guessed mother. 11/16 guessed gay fathers. 2/16 guessed both. 2/16 only gave other answers. Here are some gems.)

Friend #1: “Are you sure it was the father who died? It must have been the mother who died but dressed as a man.” *guessed gay fathers later but couldn’t guess mother*

Friend #2: “One parent must have been FTM and the son was born before the sex change.” *guessed gay fathers later but couldn’t guess mother*

Friend #3: “The father who died wasn’t the real father. His wife cheated on him and the surgeon is the real father.” *only gave this answer*

Your Impression Of China Is Cartoonish

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Friends

(I and a friend are sitting around, watching a popular kids cartoon about a girl and her friends learning how to solve issues. Please note that the show is taking place in China.)

Me: “Wow, I wonder why the ants are so large? They’re probably as big as a tarantula! ”

Friend: “It’s probably because it’s in China.”

Me: “I love how your first thought is because it’s Chinese, and not because it’s a cartoon.”

H2-Whoa!

| USA | Friends, Popular, Siblings

(My sister and I are walking home from the store. As we’re walking, a car drives by and throws a cup of liquid at us. Since I’m closest to the street, I’m the only one who gets hit, and I freeze in confusion and fear.)

Sister: “What happened? Are you okay?”

Me: “Those guys just threw water on me! At least, I hope it’s water!”

Sister: *immediately livid* “They’re lucky they were in a car, or I would have kicked their a**es!”

Me: *near tears* “This is worse than being honked at.”

Sister: “Let’s just get home and you can change. Hopefully it was only water.”

(I was still upset when I got home and showered because I couldn’t be sure what they’d thrown on me. Come to find out, it was a couple of my sister’s friends who thought they were being funny. My sister followed through and kicked their a**es.)

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