Category: Children

The Breast Flavor Of All

| CO, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

(My husband and I and a group of our friends are at a popular fast food place. My husband is talking to the toddler son of a one of our friends. The son is happily eating an ice cream cone and looks adorable. Our friend recently had another son who is a week old.)

Husband: “Do you like ice cream, [Friend’s Son]?”

Friend’s Son: *nods*

Husband: “Does your brother like ice cream?”

Friend’s Son: “No.”

Husband: “What does your brother like?”

Friend’s Son: “He likes Mommy’s milk.”

Children Are An Earful In A Handful

| Chesterfield, England, UK | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(I am deaf and wear hearing aids. Most nights I take them out and put them on the bedside table when I go to sleep. Luckily, I have a wife who is willing to take over ‘hearing duties’ whilst I’m out like a light and can’t hear anything unless it’s VERY loud! At this time, we have a four-year-old daughter who sleeps in her own bedroom next door. She’s just woken up early and comes through to our bedroom. My daughter walks round to my side of the bed and says something to me, but I’m fast asleep.)

Wife: “He can’t hear you, darling; he’s asleep and doesn’t have his ears in.”

(My daughter picked up my aids, cradled them in her hands, and started talking to them!)

When The Meme Hits Home

| UK | Children, Sons & Daughters

(My six-year-old son came home from school the other day all excited about the story they had read in school that day, “The Three Billy Goats Gruff”.)

Son: “Daddy, it’s just like that song!”

Me: “Which song?”

Son: “The one we listen to on the iPad!”

Me: “Do you mean ‘Flash Gordon’? How is it like that?”

Son: “Because it’s just like it! “Flash! He’s a billy goat!””

Me: *laughing for half an hour, rolling around on the floor and completely losing control of certain socially important sphincters*

The Shouting Makes Him Enfilade

| Detroit, MI, USA | Children, In-Laws, Nephews & Nieces, Siblings

(I am a retired Marine, and I have never lost the habit of using military terminology. My five-year-old nephew has taken his bath and is on the family room sofa, lying pressed up against the cushions so that he can’t be seen from the kitchen.)

Brother-In-Law: “Where’s [Nephew]?”

Me: “He’s in defilade.”

Nephew: *yelling* “No, I’m not! I’m in my underwear!”

That’s A Bald Prophecy

| Campbell, CA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(When I was about four, I was told about male-pattern baldness and the fact that it will happen to me eventually.. For the next week or so, I would inform random strangers that:)

4-Year-Old Me: “When I get old my hair’s gonna go VOOM, just like Daddy’s!”