Category: Children

He’s On The Hogwarts Debate Team

| Spokane, WA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(The kids are running around the house pretending to be wizards.)

5-year-old son: *pointing a wand at me* “Expelliarmus!”

Me: *not holding a wand* “You can’t disarm someone if they’re not armed.”

5-year-old son: “You have arms!”

The Gift Of The Gab

| AB, Canada | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(I am returning home from Christmas shopping with my four-year-old daughter. I caution her not to tell mommy what we bought for her.)

Girl: “Mommy, we got a present for you, but I can’t tell you what it is. Do you want a hint?”

Mother: “No, don’t tell me what it is.”

Girl: “Well, I’ll tell you one thing. It isn’t black like your other umbrella.”

Kids Who Play Too Much Call Of Duty

| CA, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(I overhear a mother looking for her son at the child’s playground at a fast food restaurant.)

Mother: “Hey, where’s my son?”

Employee: “It isn’t our job to supervise your children.”

Mother: “Help me look. He’s 7 and is wearing a black shirt.”

Employee: “Have you tried calling out to him?”

Mother: “No! That will make him hide. We need to locate him, sneak up, and drag him out!”

(Eventually she does find her son–and in that exact order.)

The Boys From U.N.C.L.E.

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Children, Siblings

(I am tucking my brothers into their beds. Brother #1 is 8 years old, and brother #2 is 9 years old.)

Me: “Goodnight sweetheart.”

Brother #1: “Are you pregnant? You’re fat. Are you going to have a baby? I want to be an uncle.”

Brother #2: “She can’t have a baby! She isn’t married yet!”

Brother #1: “You should get married! You should call [boyfriend] and ask him to marry you!”

Me: “But, I don’t want to ask him to marry me. I want him to ask me.”

Brother #1: “Well, give me your phone. I’ll tell him to marry you, and then you can make a baby! Then, I’ll be an uncle!”

Tainted Love

| Dublin, Ireland | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(I am in an airport bathroom, and I overhear a conversation in some adjoining cubicles.)

Daughter: “Mummy, how much do you love me?”

Mother: “Oh, more than anything, sweetheart.”

Daughter: “More than anything in the world?”

Mother: “Yes, definitely.”

Daughter: “Mummy, how long have you loved me?”

Mother: “Forever. Since before you were even born.”

(Lengthy pause.)

Daughter: “Mummy, I pooed on the seat.”