Category: Children

On A Cocktail Of Lies And Cookies

| Pearl River, NY, USA | Children, Siblings

(My brother is in elementary school. It’s just before Thanksgiving and the teacher is asking the kids what they bring to their families’ Thanksgiving dinners. All of the kids give standard answers like “turkey” or “mashed potatoes.” That is, until she gets to my brother…)

Teacher: “And what do you bring to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner, [Brother]?”

Brother: “Cocktails!”

(My mother was mortified. We occasionally have a glass of wine or two, but there’s definitely no cocktails at Thanksgiving dinner. We still don’t know how he came up with that one. For the record, the only thing we’ve ever brought to Thanksgiving dinner was chocolate chip cookies.)

The Bottom Of All Punishments

| MI, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(My sister is out shopping with her toddler son. He can’t make up his mind if he wants to walk or sit in his stroller, so he keeps climbing out and back in.)

Mother: *exasperated* “You can stay in or out, but make up your mind, or I am going to strap your bottom in there!”

Son: *suddenly screaming and crying* “Nooo, Mama! Don’t strap my bottom!”

Mother: *speechless*

Oranges And Chickens And Ham, Oh My

| Edmonton AB, Canada | Children, Sons & Daughters

(My six-year-old son just bought a notebook which he calls his “secret diary.” The fact that it’s supposed to be a secret never stops him from leaving it wide open on the kitchen table every day since he got it. Of course, whenever he does this, I take advantage of it. Here are some things I saw in the diary.)

Monday: “Peanut butter + jam = good. Ham + cheese = good. Peanut butter + ham = not bad. Jam + cheese = gross.”

Tuesday: “I wore shoes inside and no one found out.”

Wednesday: *nothing on the page but a badly-drawn picture of a chicken*

Thursday: “I like oranges.”

Time For The Imagination To Kick The Bucket

| MO, USA | Children, Nephews & Nieces

(I’m watching my sister’s children for the weekend. We are eating supper when my six-year-old niece drops her napkin on the floor, so her older brother reaches down to grab it. As soon as he places it back in front of her, she begins to “cry.”)

Me: “[Niece], what’s wrong?”

Niece: *between sobs* “[Nephew]… knocked over… my bucket.”

(I look down at the floor but nothing is there.)

Me: “What bucket?”

Niece: “That one.” *points at nothing in particular* “It had… all… my… things… in it.”

Me: “Sweetie, I don’t see any bucket.”

Niece: “BECAUSE IT’S INVISIBLE!”

(She lays her head on the table and begins to fake sob into the table. My nephew sighs and gets up from the table and pretends to pick up the bucket and places things back inside.)

Nephew: *deadpan* “I picked it all up for you. Sorry I knocked it over.”

(The “tears” suddenly stopped and she happily returned to eating her food. According to my nephew, she does things like this quite often, trying to get him into trouble.)

Daddy Is Always Watching

| USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

(I see a little girl playing with a CCTV camera: waving, making faces, playing peekaboo, even dancing in front of it. I think it’s silly and cute. Her mother comes over, waves at the camera, too, and even blows a kiss. I think, huh?)

Mother: “Time to go home.”

Girl: “No! I want to play with daddy.” *waves at camera* “Daddy!”

Mother: “Daddy can’t hear you now. We’ll see him tonight.”

(They leave, waving to all the cameras. So, it seems Daddy works in the security room, watching. How nice.)