Category: Children

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Santa Deconstructed

| Halifax, NS, Canada | Children, Holidays

(As a child, I often questioned my mother about Santa Claus around Christmas. Lets just say she was very creative…)

Me: “How does Santa deliver toys to billions of kids in one night?”

Mom: “He can stop time.”

Me: “How does he get into houses that don’t have a chimney?”

Mom: “He can teleport.”

Me: “How do the elves make all the toys in time for Christmas?”

Mom: “The used to do it all by hand, but after more people heard about Santa Claus they were able to afford factory equipment and permission from the toy companies to produce them. I’d also like to point out that there are 10 times as many elves in the world as there are people but they’re mostly concentrated in the north and south poles.”

Me: “So does that mean Santa is rich? How does he get paid?”

Mom: “I didn’t want to tell you this, but parents have to pay for toy delivery. It’s why some kids are very good but still can’t get presents on Christmas.”

Me: “How does he make the reindeer fly?”

Mom: “Santa was able to breed a new type of reindeer that can control their body weight to the point that they could temporarily make themselves lighter than air. Of course, there were some defects due to the limited breeding stock. That’s how you end up with deer like Rudolph.”

Me: “How does Santa eat all those cookies without getting full, and how has he been alive for hundreds of years?”

Mom: “I already told you he can stop time.”

Me: “How does he know every kid in the world and what they’re doing?”

Mom: “He has secret microscopic cameras everywhere. They’re too small to see. The cameras can pick up sound and are more advanced than anything anybody has invented so far.”

Me: “Okay, cool.”

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Locked In To Locking Herself In

| Skogn, Norway | Children, Sons & Daughters

(My daughter is three-and-a-half years old and prefers to be alone when using the toilet. The bathroom has a lock that can be opened from the outside, much like a stall in a public restroom. I use a tiny, flat screwdriver to unlock the door when she needs assistance.)

Daughter: “Mommy, I’m finished!”

Me: “Okay, may I come in?”

Daughter: “No, I have to poop more.”

Me: “Okay, let me know when you are ready.”

(I start looking for the tiny screwdriver and realize I’ve forgotten it inside the bathroom.)

Daughter: “I’m finished!”

Me: “Can you unlock the door?”

Daughter: “No, you unlock it.”

Me: “I can’t; the screwdriver is inside with you. It’s next to the sink.”

Daughter: “Oh.” *laughs* “Found it.”

(She unlocks and opens the door. Without a word, she gives me the screwdriver, goes back inside and locks again. I hear her climb back on the toilet.)

Me: *knocks on the door* “May I come in?”

Daughter: “Yeeeeeees! You can unlock the door now.”

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Dad Is The Biggest Baby

| PA, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

(My dad can be very annoying. For some reason, he just always has to be the center of attention, and it can be frustrating. He’ll talk over you, denies he doesn’t talk over you, plays loud music 24/7, hogs the TV, and yells [not angrily, just because] a lot. He has issues with being ignored. My baby niece is here, and he’s gone out to get cigarettes.)

Baby: *crying and having a series of mini seizures (she has epilepsy) because she’s upset*

(After having tried everything to calm her down, I finally just put some calm music on the TV. It works, and she stops crying, and her seizures subside. She goes to sleep soon after. She’s relaxed enough, and has eaten, so I just put a playlist of music to keep her that way. Cue dad, or ‘dumb as dirt,’ coming in, stomping. When he sees that I’ve got the– no, ‘his’ TV on and have music playing, he gives a look that I ignore. Then he precedes to take his wallet, slam it on the glass coffee table hard, and boom at me to turn it off in some ‘playful’ way. The noise from the leather hitting the glass is loud as a bullet, and my niece jumps awake and starts having a seizure.)

Me: “DAD, WHAT THE F***?! The baby was asleep and now you’ve got her seizing!”

Mom: *from upstairs* “What the h*** was that?”

Dad: *acting totally oblivious* “What? I’m just asserting myself! This is my house! I don’t need to be quiet in my own house!”

Me: “YOU GAVE HER A SEIZURE!”

Dad: “She always has them!”

Me: “She was asleep, and calm! I had that on to get her relaxed! I get it, it’s your TV, but Jesus, don’t act like a five-year-old!”

(My mom came down and told him off, which he got mad at. She took the baby after that, and calmed her down. The thing is, he’s the one who makes her come over here, but acts upset over her needing special attention that requires him to not be a loud a**. )

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Backpack To School

| Maryville, TN, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(It’s tax free weekend before school starts. My daughter declares she CANNOT start school without a purple backpack and pink hair. We’ve been to four different stores looking for the perfect backpack. We finally find one at the most crowded store in town. I’m also dragging around my one-year-old son.)

Me: *daughter* “Put that back. Where you found it. Get over here. Hi! Yeah, I found everything we needed.”

Cashier: “Cash or credit?”

Me: “Credit. [Son], if you fall and bust your head open, we’re not going to the emergency room. [Daughter], put that candy bar back right now. No, where it belongs. Stand here and don’t move.” *mutters under breath* “Have kids they said. It’ll be fun they said.”

Cashier: “Who’s they?”

Me: “The same lying jerks that said the second kid would be easier.”

Cashier: “Oh, I like you!”

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Playing Hard With The Candy

| UT, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

(I am ringing at a popular clothing chain when a woman with a toddler in tow and baby on her hip comes to my register. I make small talk and ring up her items while her toddler son begins making a fuss about the candy surrounding the register.)

Toddler: “Mommy, I want this!”

Mother: “Sorry, sweetie, no.”

Toddler: “I want THIS candy.”

Mother: “You’re not getting any candy.”

Toddler: *screaming and kicking at register counter* “I WANT IT NOW!”

Mother: *looks to me and sighs* “Hold this, please.”

(She then proceeded to shove her infant across the counter and into my arms, pick up her toddler by the arm, and drop him into the cart as he continued to scream. She then took the infant back as if nothing happened, finished the transaction, and calmly left the store as her toddler continued to throw a screaming fit.)