Category: Children

Got Yourself Into A Bit Of An Unhygienic Pickle

| CA, USA | Children

(My three-year-old daughter sticks out her hand.)

Child: “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.”

(Since she is eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and wash them with antibacterial soap. After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I ask, with a touch of awe:)

Me: “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”

Child: *between bites* “I hit it with my pickle.”

The Town Suffers From Brown-Outs

| Canada | Children, Non-Dialogue

I grew up in a small town that is primarily Caucasian. When I was three years old my mom took me to a mall that had a much more diverse community. Being that young I don’t remember what happened that day but my mom will never forget that trip.

Apparently I looked around and shouted: “Mommy this is just like [Town] mall except for all the brown people!”

Pie Is Pleasing

| Sheffield, England, UK | Children, Sons & Daughters

(I am having a meal with friends and their two children. The younger, a boy, is about two and learning to talk. He is asking for something in particular to eat and his mum is coaxing him to ask nicely.)

Mum: “What’s the magic word, [Son]? It begins with ‘P’.”

Son: “Pie!”

(Laughter all round.)

Mum: *fondly* “I’m so proud.”

Billed As A Different Name

| Chicago, IL, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

(My dad’s given name is “William,” but from the moment he was born everyone called him “Billy.” This ended up causing problems on his first day of kindergarten. My dad was off in a corner.)

Teacher: “William, please sit over here.”

(My dad continued playing. He had no idea the teacher was addressing him.)

Teacher: “William, come over here!”

(Dad continued playing. The teacher walks over to him.)

Teacher: “WILLIAM! Why aren’t you listening to me?”

Dad: “My name’s not William. It’s Billy.”

(The teacher called my grandma to tell her about what happened. When my dad got home from school, he and my grandma had to have a long talk about what his name really was.)

Settled It Like A Boss

| Scotland, UK | Children, Sons & Daughters

(Earlier in the day my sons had been arguing about which of them is the boss. It ended with Son #2 deciding his ten-week-old baby sister is the boss. At the dinner table. I decide to try and restart the argument for my husband’s benefit.)

Me: “So am I the boss now?”

Son #1: “I’m the boss!”

Me: “I’m the boss!”

Son #1: “I’m the boss!”

Me: “[Daughter] is the boss?”

Son #1: “I’m the boss!”

Husband: “I’m the boss and that’s that.”

Son #2: “I’m Batman.”

(He’ll go far, that boy.)