Category: Boyfriends & Girlfriends

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A Related Issue

| Okanagan Falls, BC, Canada | Aunts & Uncles, Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Cousins

(We’re at a massive family reunion and taking a huge picture of everyone. My cousin has brought her boyfriend of a year or so.)

Cousin: “Can [Boyfriend] be in the picture?”

Aunt: “No. Family only.”

(My cousin lets this go. The next major family event is about three years later, and there’s another big family picture.)

Cousin: “C’mon, [Boyfriend], picture time!”

Aunt: “NO! It’s a FAMILY picture!”

Cousin: “But [My Brother’s Fiancée] is allowed in.”

Aunt: “They’re getting married; that makes her related. What if you and [Boyfriend] break up? I don’t want to look at pictures years later of someone you dumped!”

(Four years after that, at yet another family gathering, Cousin is pregnant, and Aunt is preparing for yet another family picture:)

Aunt: “[Boyfriend], you can take this one.”

Cousin: “Mom…”

Aunt: “The picture is only for people who are related to us.”

Cousin: “[My Brother] got divorced last year; you’ve already got pictures with people you’re not related to! [Boyfriend] and I have been together EIGHT YEARS. I am pregnant with his child! Your grandchild! How much more do you want?”

Aunt: “He’s NOT FAMILY!”

Cousin: “He is MY family! And if he’s not in it, I’m not in it!”

(Later, after the picture is taken — with the boyfriend:)

Me: “Wow, [Cousin], that took some serious chutzpah.”

Cousin: “It’s the hormones. I’m cranky, pregnant, and unstoppable.”

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Defy The Cacti

| AL, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

(This takes place between my boyfriend and his mom. He is telling me what happened.)

Mom: “Part of my orchid is wilted! It’s the part next to your cactus.”

Boyfriend: “Okay?”

Mom: “That’s so weird; I’m so good about watering it. I think your slimy cactus molested my orchid. It should be a registered plant offender.”

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Don’t Be A Drag, Just Cause A Scene

| Nashville, TN, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians, Popular

(My dad is… let’s just say not the most openly tolerant individual in the world. I had grown up showing pretty traits and he’d long since been trying to “man it out of me” with things like forced sports, wrestling, etc. etc. ultimately ending with him threatening to disown me if I ever bring anyone but a “nice, white Christian girl” back home, not aware that I’d long since become comfortable in being gay. I’m twenty-two when this happens. I have a job and have just rented my first apartment with my boyfriend of two years who I’ve kept secret from the rest of the family. After I’ve gotten everything moved out, I decide to say goodbye for the last time by coming out and leaving, disowning him before he can do it to me. After I’ve said goodbye to my mom and brother, I turned to him.)

Me: “Well, that’s everything; I guess that’s it. My ride should be here soon.”

Dad: “Oh, yeah, you had that friend of yours helping you, right? I’ll be honest. I’ve never felt good about him. He’s always so…” *at this point, he inserts a few gay slurs here*

(I just clear my throat as my boyfriend pulls up.)

Boyfriend: “Heeeeeey! You ready to do the thing?”

Me: “Yep! Just as planned.”

(At this, I reach into his car, pull out a boombox, and set it on the ground to play. Every song is by a gay or at least flamboyant singer about the joys of living life and loving who you want. After it starts playing, I hop in the car, kiss my boyfriend, and drive off before my dad can get another word in. Later that night, I’m talking to my brother.)

Brother: “Oh, man, you should have seen it. He just stared dead for like half an hour before running over the stereo with his car. He was SOOOOO mad. It was amazing!”

(Apparently I left an impression, because when my little brother came out as trans a few years later, he did the exact same thing before he left.)

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Getting Chesty About Yo Mama Jokes

| USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

(I’m talking to my boyfriend on the phone. My comeback to any statement would be “your mom is”…)

Boyfriend: “…and then I will go shirtless.”

Me: “Haha! You have moobs! No way!”

Boyfriend: “Hey! I have a chest okay?”

Me: “Yeah, right. Your mom has a ches— Oh, right. Never mind.”

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Maybe He Was Just Watching ‘Frozen’

| Cambridge, ON, Canada | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Nephews & Nieces, Popular, Siblings

(I’m at my boyfriend’s house, hanging out with his sister, and her three-year-old son is also in the room watching TV. When my boyfriend is around, his nephew likes to play with me, just so he can steal me away from my boyfriend, so they have this adorable little rivalry over me. My boyfriend and his brother come in, taking a break from yard work.)

Sister: “Hey, aren’t ya gonna kiss your girlfriend?” *makes kissing noises*

Boyfriend: “You know you’re asking for it, right?”

Sister: *still making kissing noises*

Boyfriend: “All right, you asked for it!” *grabs me, dips me and kisses me*

Nephew: *bangs fists on the table* “Noooooo! Stop it! Let her gooooo!”

(We all burst out laughing suddenly, and my boyfriend drops me.)

Boyfriend: “Did he actually say let her go?!”

Me: “Dude, you actually dropped me!”

Boyfriend: “I’m sorry, I didn’t expect… that!”

Sister: “You’ve got a strict chaperone! There will be none of that while my son is around!”

Me: “You told us to!”

Sister: “Of course I did. But [Nephew] won’t have it.”

(We’re still laughing about it whenever we tell that story! Needless to say, his nephew may not remember it, but he’ll never live that down!)

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