Category: Aunts & Uncles

Should Hammer Home That Definition

| Easton, PA, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Popular

(My cousin is four going on five years old. My uncle is putting something together.)

Uncle: “[Cousin], can you hand me that hammer?”

Cousin: “What’s a hammer?”

Uncle: “How do you not know what a hammer is?”

Me: “[Cousin], he wants you to hand him the Bang-Bang Stick.”

Cousin: “Oh!” *walks over and grabs the hammer off the table*

Mathematical Uncertainties

| Aunts & Uncles, Popular

Me: “[Cousin]’s Boy Scout troop saw a bear on their camping trip.”

Uncle: “When I was young I saw a bear when I was walking to school in the winter.”

Me: “Back when you walked to school up-hill both ways, right?”

Uncle: “Yup! Barefoot, in the snow, up-hill both ways, and this bear came charging out of the woods at me. I had to beat him off with my algebra book.”

(My uncle stops to give us all a great big grin.)

Uncle: “You know that story is a lie because I was never smart enough to take algebra!”

Socks To Be You

| Perth, WA, Australia | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(We are cleaning up around the house. My sister is doing the washing. She pulls up a tiny sock that would hardly fit anyone in the house.)

Sister: “Why is this in here? No one wears these!”

Aunt: “Why is it in the wash, then?”

Me: “Why do we even keep it around, then?”

(My sister glares at me.)

Sister: “You aren’t part of this conversation!”

Mum: “You were the one who opened up to discussion!”

Sister: “Yeah, for you and her!” *referring to my aunt*

Mum: *turns to me* “You are a figment of our imagination!”

Swear On Your Prayer

| NC, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Siblings

(It is Thanksgiving. My entire family on my dad’s side and I are at a family reunion at my aunt’s house. We are saying a prayer before the meal.)

Uncle: “Lord, we thank you for the food we have been blessed with, [etc.] Amen. [Aunt], would you like to add anything?”

Aunt: “Yes. Thank you God for me because I’m F***ING CRAZYYYYYYYYYYYY!”

(Everyone turns red and bursts out laughing.)

Little Brother: “AMEN!”

They’re Nun The Wiser

| Canada | Aunts & Uncles, Popular

(I am 15 years old and my family has just moved to a small town in the middle of nowhere. We are Jewish but the only high school in town is a Catholic school. It is a typical Canadian Catholic school: AKA identical to public school but with mandatory theology classes which cover every major religion and some ancient mythology. My uncle comes over to visit and is a little concerned…)

Uncle: “So, you’re Catholic now. What is it like?”

Me: “Uh… I’m Jewish.”

Uncle: “You still didn’t convert?!”

Me: “No! Why would I do that?!”

Uncle: “I thought you were going to Catholic school now.”

Me: “You don’t need to be Catholic to attend. They have to accept all religions.”

Uncle: “Really? I wonder what the nuns think of that.”

Me: “What nuns?”

Uncle: “The ones teaching your classes. Do they try to drill religion into your skull every chance they get?”

Me: “First of all, I have been going to that school for three months and I have never seen a nun. Second, they’re not allowed to talk about religion outside of the theology classes, which teach the basics of all religions and occasionally mythology.”

Uncle: “Sooo… who teaches your classes?”

Me: “Teachers.”

Uncle: “No nuns and no religious restrictions…? How is Catholic school different from public school?”

Me: “Very expensive uniforms and extra homework.”

High On Irony

| Hamburg, Germany | Aunts & Uncles

(I’m learning German at my wife’s aunt’s house and have a headache from the studying.)

Me: “Do you have an aspirin? My headache is getting worse.”

Aunt: “I don’t believe in putting artificial pills in the body so I don’t have any medicine in the house.”

(She then proceeded to light up a cigarette.)

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