Category: Aunts & Uncles

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Don’t Have A Cow, Mom

| USA | Aunts & Uncles, Grandparents, Popular

(My cousin has moved to property in a rural area. Not long after she moves, my grandmother stays with her for a few days. When she gets back she is gushing about the animals my cousin now has.)

Grandmother: “They have horses for each of them; even the little ones are learning to ride. Oh, and they have the cutest little calves. The kids have named them Bill and Ben.”

Dad: “With names like Bill and Ben, they aren’t going to get much in the way of milk out of them.”

Grandmother: “Don’t be silly. They got them for the kids to play with.”

(It’s quite a while before she visits my cousin again. When they get back my Aunt gleefully tells us the story.)

Aunt: “We arrived just before dinnertime and [Cousin] had cooked a beautiful meal for us. Mom was raving about how lovely and tender the meat was, then made the mistake of asking what it was. [Cousin] looked at her plate and said ‘I don’t know. It could be Bill or it could be Ben. I can’t tell the difference any more.’ You should have heard Mom scream and she refused to eat any meat from then on.”

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Vegan Poop Cake

| IL, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Popular, Siblings

(We are sitting on the front steps watching my niece play on the lawn when my aunt comes out the front door. Earlier we had been discussing veganism.)

Aunt: “There’s cake inside.” *pauses* “The baby’s eating dirt.”

Brother: “Meh. It’s good for her immune system.”

Aunt: “Okay, but I can’t guarantee there isn’t dog poop on it. Also, there’s cake inside.”

Brother: “Poop is probably also good for her immune system. Plus it’s vegan.”

Me: “I don’t think so; it’s an animal product.”

Brother: “But what about manure as a fertilizer? Don’t all the organic farms do that?”

Me: “That’s a good question; the argument could be made that manure is produced by cow labor. ”

Brother: “So, the question is, if a grass-fed, pasture-raised cow named Frank who has had a life full of love, poops in a garden in the Irish countryside, are the vegetables still vegan?”

Aunt: “DOES NO ONE WANT CAKE?!”

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Should Stop And Take Stock

| CT, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

(My uncle is showing a picture cube of old family photographs to his lady friend.)

Uncle: “This is my father and his hunting dog. This is my old dog. This is [Cousin]. This is my sister’s horse when he was young. This is my father walking my sister down the aisle. And this is…”

(He turns to the last side of the cube, looking very confused.)

Uncle: “She looks familiar. I feel like I should know her. Hey, [Cousin], do you know who this is?”

Cousin: “[Uncle]… that’s the stock picture that came with the cube.”

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