Category: Aunts & Uncles

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Tickles And Licking And Bites, Oh My

| USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

(My family and my aunt, uncle, and cousin are driving somewhere.)

Mom: “There’s not enough room for all of us in the car!”

Uncle: “It’s fine. [Cousin] can sit on the floor in the back.”

Mom: “Are you sure?”

Uncle: “It’s fine!”

(Ten minutes later…)

Brother: “Ow, [Cousin] bit me!”

(Twenty minutes later…)

Brother: “Stop licking me, [Cousin]!”

(Thirty minutes later…)

Brother: “Stop tickling me! He’s sitting on your side on the way back, [My Name].”

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Looks That Can Kill, Again

| UT, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Popular

(My grandfather passed several years ago, leaving behind my grandmother and all their children. One uncle never comes to family occasions, but has come to support us at the funeral. My grandma, who is in her late eighties, has done everything she can to get dolled up. She walks out of her bedroom, and then waits for the comments on her appearance. My uncle is the first to respond.)

Uncle: “Oh, Mom, if Dad could see you he would just DIE!”

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Smoking Kills

| Derby, England, UK | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Popular

(We’re at the wake for my grandma, and I excuse myself for some “fresh air,” i.e. a cigarette. My cousin decides to come with me, and as I walk outside I light up…)

Cousin: “Wait a minute! You lied! You said you were going for fresh air!”

Me: “You actually thought I meant fresh air?”

Cousin: “Of course I did! I’m telling on you! Look, here comes [Aunt].”

(My aunt, my cousin’s mother, comes outside, and lights up, too. My cousin’s been living in Ireland for some time, so didn’t know her mother had started smoking again.)

Cousin: “Oh, my god, you too?! You’re all terrible! I’m telling!”

Aunt: “Who’re you gonna tell, my mum?”

(At that we all just cracked up, and it took several minutes for us to collect ourselves. Gallows humour isn’t for everyone, but by god does it run in our family.)

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