Category: Aunts & Uncles

A Handy Comeback

| England, UK | Aunts & Uncles, Children

(I’m staying with my six-year-old and three-year-old cousins and their family, and the three-year-old is very fond of me. She often comments about how I do or don’t do things. We’re at the dinner table, and my six-year-old cousin is putting his hand down his pants.)

Aunt: “[Six-Year-Old], please take your hand out of your pants.”

(He does, and we go back to eating. Meanwhile, the three-year-old calmly finishes her mouthful, puts down her fork, and exclaims:)

Three-Year-Old: “[My Name] DOESN’T PUT HER HAND DOWN HER PANTS!”

The New Boyfriend Went Bust

| IN, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Boyfriends & Girlfriends

(I’m a 12-year-old girl. My aunt and her now ex-boyfriend stop by.)

Aunt: *hugs me and whispers* “You’ve got bigger tits than I do!”

(A few minutes later my mom, my aunt, her boyfriend, and I are all in the living room. I’m playing on my tablet when suddenly:)

Aunt’s Boyfriend: *to me* “So, what does your father think of your new boobs?”

Stuck On A Dry Cycle

| USA | Aunts & Uncles

(My dad is visiting my aunt, uncle, and cousins in Seattle, WA. I’m currently attending college in Pennsylvania.)

Uncle: *texts picture of my dad and himself standing on a ferry. It’s clearly raining* “Beautiful day for a ride on the ferry!”

Me: “Ha. It’s 65 degrees and sunny where I am.”

Uncle: “Yeah, but you don’t have a ferry, do you?”

Me: “I have a bike.”

Uncle: “Good luck getting across the water on that.”

(He has me there.)

The Bowling Green Car Massacre

| KY, USA | Aunts & Uncles

(A few years ago, a sinkhole opened up under the Corvette Museum in Bowling Green and a few cars fell in. This exchange takes place at a family gathering not long after.)

Aunt #1: “So [Distant Relative] was walking his dog across his property and found a sinkhole near the edge of one of his pastures!”

Aunt #2: *shouting from across the room* “WAS THERE A CORVETTE IN IT?”

Aunt #1: “Yeah, a red one.”

Me: “Why can’t that happen to me? Last time I found a sinkhole there was only a Kia in it.”

A Subtle Rebuttal

| USA | Aunts & Uncles, Boyfriends & Girlfriends

(My boyfriend and I are in our early- to mid-20s and I’m taking him to meet my grandparents after we’ve been dating for about a year and a half. After being at their home for about an hour and a half, my aunt, who is notoriously dramatic and a bit unstable, emerges from their basement noisily but without acknowledging our presence. She eventually joins the conversation.)

Aunt: *points to potted plant* “Do you know what this is?”

Boyfriend: “Uh…a flower?”

Aunt: *condescendingly* “It’s an amaryllis.” *to me* “What are you doing with a man who doesn’t know what an amaryllis is?”

Me: “Well, he’s got me for flower identification. I think he’ll be okay.”

Aunt: *grabs my left hand* “Oh, okay. Just checking.” *we’re not engaged, no ring on my ring finger* “When is that happening?”

Me: *taken aback* “Well, to be honest, [Aunt], we haven’t actually talked about it yet. But thank you for asking so politely and subtly.”

(She showed zero remorse in the moment but called me three times later that day, sent my mom a card, and sent me a letter a few weeks later asking me for “forgiveness” and saying she hoped I wasn’t embarrassed. My boyfriend and I had a good laugh about it, but the gall of some people.)

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