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    Never Watching Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes Again

    | Waco, TX, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I am about four or five when the movie Twister came out on video. I spend the night at my grandmother’s and she lets me watch it without my dad knowing. Needless to say it ends up giving me nightmares.)

    Me: *wakes up from nightmare of tornados chasing me, proceeds to head to my dad’s room, and wakes him up*

    Dad: “What’s wrong, [My Name]? Why are you up?”

    Me: “I had a bad dream about tomatoes…”

    Dad: *looks at me for a bit trying to process what I just said* “Wait… what? Tomatoes?”

    Me: “No, tomatoes!”

    (This utterly confuses him. Fast forward about a month later of him trying to keep tomato related items away from me and thinking I’m weird. We’re currently dropping off a movie at a movie rental store and they have a Twister movie poster up and we pass it.)

    Me: “Look, see! Tomatoes!” *points at it*

    Dad: “That’s not a tomato; that’s a torna… oh…”

    (And that was the day my dad realized I needed speech therapy…)

    Overwhelmingly Beachy Behavior

    | Australia | Parents & Guardians

    (This occurs when I’m visiting a beach town with my parents. Note that I’m a notorious homebody.)

    Mum: “Come to the beach!”

    Me: “Noooo, it’ll ruin the only shoes I brought!”

    Mum: “This is why you need crocs.”

    Me: “NEVER.”

    Mum: “If you had crocs, you could come to the beach.”

    Me: “I don’t need crocs because I never go to the beach.”

    Mum: “And that’s probably because you don’t have crocs.”

    Me: “I don’t like the beach.”

    Mum: “…you’re a beach.”

    (This conversation repeated itself several times. And yes, I did end up sacrificing my shoes for my family!)

    This Child Has No Cruise Control

    | USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (When I am around three years old, my dad gets a huge pay raise, so to celebrate, my mom, my dad, and I go on a short cruise around the Caribbean. I’m full of energy and therefore bouncing off the walls and screaming a lot, all while my mom tries to get me to stop. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door.)

    Mom: *opens the door*

    Security: “Good morning, ma’am. I heard reports of a child screaming and someone thought it was because of child abuse. Do you mind if I take a look inside?”

    (Suddenly, I knock over a phone next to the bed and the security guard looks at me.)

    Mom: “Do you want to take him?”

    A Santa Clause, Part 3

    | NJ, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My family is on vacation for Christmas, so we agree to leave the presents at home and have Christmas when we get back. My older sister and I are technically too old to believe in Santa, but never admit it to our parents, because we want extra presents and we don’t want to kill the magic. I recently got made fun of at school for letting it slip that I still get presents from Santa. Because of this, my mom wants to stop the tradition.)

    Me: “Wait, so is Santa delivering presents again this year? And Santa can just have his presents in our present opening party at home too?”

    Mom: “Don’t you think you guys are a little old for each other?”

    Me: “Okay, fine, you’re right. I don’t actually believe in Santa, but it’s a tradition, and why should his physical nonexistence change a tradition? So can he give us presents this year?”

    Older Sister: “NO! DON’T SAY THAT! SANTA IS REAL! BELIEVE!”

    Mom: “Fine, but I don’t know what you’ll do when you guys have kids.”

    Me: “I suppose I will have to do it for both our families.”

    Related:
    A Santa Clause, Part 2
    A Santa Clause

    Still Better Than Apple Maps

    | Independence, KS, USA | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (My mother, stepdad, stepbrother and I are traveling to a campground. We have been lost for hours. We have no GPS, and my mother is reading our map.)

    Me: “So, any guess to how much longer this might be? [Brother] and I would like to get out and stretch please.”

    Stepdad: “Yeah. We’ll turn here and stretch.”

    (As he turns, my mother turns the map with it.)

    Stepbrother: “[Mother]! You don’t turn the map when someone turns! No wonder we’re lost!”

    Made A Fokes Pass

    | South Island, New Zealand | Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (Our family is on holiday, driving through a particularly beautiful part of the country.)

    Sister: “It’s so picture-skew!”

    Me: “You’ve only ever used ‘picturesque’ in written form, haven’t you?”


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