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    Has Still Never Seen Swan Lake

    | Portland, OR, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (We were at our vacation home on a small lake. My mom didn’t always think she needed to wear her glasses.)

    Mom: “It’s beautiful out there on the lake today.”

    Dad: “Yeah, I’m surprised there aren’t more boaters out there.”

    Mom: “I’m glad; they’d scare off the swans!”

    (There was dead silence for a moment before the rest of us burst out laughing. We finally explained to my mom she was seeing ripples on the water as ‘swans.’ Now, whenever we think she needs her glasses, we ask her if she sees any swans.)

    Never Watching Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes Again

    | Waco, TX, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I am about four or five when the movie Twister came out on video. I spend the night at my grandmother’s and she lets me watch it without my dad knowing. Needless to say it ends up giving me nightmares.)

    Me: *wakes up from nightmare of tornados chasing me, proceeds to head to my dad’s room, and wakes him up*

    Dad: “What’s wrong, [My Name]? Why are you up?”

    Me: “I had a bad dream about tomatoes…”

    Dad: *looks at me for a bit trying to process what I just said* “Wait… what? Tomatoes?”

    Me: “No, tomatoes!”

    (This utterly confuses him. Fast forward about a month later of him trying to keep tomato related items away from me and thinking I’m weird. We’re currently dropping off a movie at a movie rental store and they have a Twister movie poster up and we pass it.)

    Me: “Look, see! Tomatoes!” *points at it*

    Dad: “That’s not a tomato; that’s a torna… oh…”

    (And that was the day my dad realized I needed speech therapy…)

    Overwhelmingly Beachy Behavior

    | Australia | Parents & Guardians

    (This occurs when I’m visiting a beach town with my parents. Note that I’m a notorious homebody.)

    Mum: “Come to the beach!”

    Me: “Noooo, it’ll ruin the only shoes I brought!”

    Mum: “This is why you need crocs.”

    Me: “NEVER.”

    Mum: “If you had crocs, you could come to the beach.”

    Me: “I don’t need crocs because I never go to the beach.”

    Mum: “And that’s probably because you don’t have crocs.”

    Me: “I don’t like the beach.”

    Mum: “…you’re a beach.”

    (This conversation repeated itself several times. And yes, I did end up sacrificing my shoes for my family!)

    This Child Has No Cruise Control

    | USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (When I am around three years old, my dad gets a huge pay raise, so to celebrate, my mom, my dad, and I go on a short cruise around the Caribbean. I’m full of energy and therefore bouncing off the walls and screaming a lot, all while my mom tries to get me to stop. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door.)

    Mom: *opens the door*

    Security: “Good morning, ma’am. I heard reports of a child screaming and someone thought it was because of child abuse. Do you mind if I take a look inside?”

    (Suddenly, I knock over a phone next to the bed and the security guard looks at me.)

    Mom: “Do you want to take him?”

    A Santa Clause, Part 3

    | NJ, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My family is on vacation for Christmas, so we agree to leave the presents at home and have Christmas when we get back. My older sister and I are technically too old to believe in Santa, but never admit it to our parents, because we want extra presents and we don’t want to kill the magic. I recently got made fun of at school for letting it slip that I still get presents from Santa. Because of this, my mom wants to stop the tradition.)

    Me: “Wait, so is Santa delivering presents again this year? And Santa can just have his presents in our present opening party at home too?”

    Mom: “Don’t you think you guys are a little old for each other?”

    Me: “Okay, fine, you’re right. I don’t actually believe in Santa, but it’s a tradition, and why should his physical nonexistence change a tradition? So can he give us presents this year?”

    Older Sister: “NO! DON’T SAY THAT! SANTA IS REAL! BELIEVE!”

    Mom: “Fine, but I don’t know what you’ll do when you guys have kids.”

    Me: “I suppose I will have to do it for both our families.”

    Related:
    A Santa Clause, Part 2
    A Santa Clause

    Still Better Than Apple Maps

    | Independence, KS, USA | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (My mother, stepdad, stepbrother and I are traveling to a campground. We have been lost for hours. We have no GPS, and my mother is reading our map.)

    Me: “So, any guess to how much longer this might be? [Brother] and I would like to get out and stretch please.”

    Stepdad: “Yeah. We’ll turn here and stretch.”

    (As he turns, my mother turns the map with it.)

    Stepbrother: “[Mother]! You don’t turn the map when someone turns! No wonder we’re lost!”


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