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    This Child Has No Cruise Control

    | USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (When I am around three years old, my dad gets a huge pay raise, so to celebrate, my mom, my dad, and I go on a short cruise around the Caribbean. I’m full of energy and therefore bouncing off the walls and screaming a lot, all while my mom tries to get me to stop. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door.)

    Mom: *opens the door*

    Security: “Good morning, ma’am. I heard reports of a child screaming and someone thought it was because of child abuse. Do you mind if I take a look inside?”

    (Suddenly, I knock over a phone next to the bed and the security guard looks at me.)

    Mom: “Do you want to take him?”

    A Santa Clause, Part 3

    | NJ, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My family is on vacation for Christmas, so we agree to leave the presents at home and have Christmas when we get back. My older sister and I are technically too old to believe in Santa, but never admit it to our parents, because we want extra presents and we don’t want to kill the magic. I recently got made fun of at school for letting it slip that I still get presents from Santa. Because of this, my mom wants to stop the tradition.)

    Me: “Wait, so is Santa delivering presents again this year? And Santa can just have his presents in our present opening party at home too?”

    Mom: “Don’t you think you guys are a little old for each other?”

    Me: “Okay, fine, you’re right. I don’t actually believe in Santa, but it’s a tradition, and why should his physical nonexistence change a tradition? So can he give us presents this year?”

    Older Sister: “NO! DON’T SAY THAT! SANTA IS REAL! BELIEVE!”

    Mom: “Fine, but I don’t know what you’ll do when you guys have kids.”

    Me: “I suppose I will have to do it for both our families.”

    Related:
    A Santa Clause, Part 2
    A Santa Clause

    Still Better Than Apple Maps

    | Independence, KS, USA | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (My mother, stepdad, stepbrother and I are traveling to a campground. We have been lost for hours. We have no GPS, and my mother is reading our map.)

    Me: “So, any guess to how much longer this might be? [Brother] and I would like to get out and stretch please.”

    Stepdad: “Yeah. We’ll turn here and stretch.”

    (As he turns, my mother turns the map with it.)

    Stepbrother: “[Mother]! You don’t turn the map when someone turns! No wonder we’re lost!”

    Made A Fokes Pass

    | South Island, New Zealand | Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (Our family is on holiday, driving through a particularly beautiful part of the country.)

    Sister: “It’s so picture-skew!”

    Me: “You’ve only ever used ‘picturesque’ in written form, haven’t you?”

    Can’t Bear To Be Apart

    | Gulf of Mexico | Children, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (My dad uses some connections to reserve us an island to camp on in the Gulf of Mexico. The island is tiny, and we are the only people camping there. The largest animal on the island is probably a rabbit. I am eight, and my brother is three. The week we are there, low tide is around 11 PM, and my parents leave to go and look for shells. I was never very good at sleeping, and so I decide to follow after them. Eventually, they run into me on the beach.)

    Dad: “[My name] is that you?”

    Me: “Yes, Daddy!”

    Dad: “Do you know what time it is?”

    Me: “Dark.”

    Dad: “Yes. Why aren’t you asleep in the tent?”

    Me: “There’s a bear attacking the tent. It scared me.”

    Dad: “Baby, there aren’t any bears on the island. Why do you think there’s a bear attacking the tent?”

    Me: “I heard it. It growled, and banged on the wall.”

    Mom: “Where’s your baby brother?

    Me: “He was asleep already. I left him for the bear to eat.”


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