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    A Hot Cheesy Slice Of Common Sense

    | MA, USA | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (I am texting my husband:)

    Me: “[Our son] wants pizza from [Local Pizzeria]. I feel obligated to say no, but can’t think of a good reason why. It’s hot and we have nothing to cook.”

    Mother Pictures A Horror Show

    | OK, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (My son designs and sets up sound systems for theaters. Today he texts me a picture which fits the attached message:)

    Son: “Ahh, finally my bulk order of 300 condoms has arrived.”

    Me: “Did you mean to send this to your mother?!”

    Son: “Yep.”

    (I shake my head for a bit and was very happy to get the next text.)

    Son: “They’re non-lubricated. We use them for protecting the mic packs from getting all sweaty. We have a cast of 50 so I needed at least 300.”

    (Who knew? By the way, the production is “Rocky Horror Picture Show”. Just makes it all the more suitable.)

    Clean Poetic Lines

    | Chapel Hill, NC, USA | Siblings

    (This story takes places over several email messages between my brother and I one night. We don’t often talk and this may be one of the most productive conversations we’ve had in a while.)

    Brother: “I ask in haiku /

    My windshield is so dirty /

    Do you have cleaner?”

    Me: “Verily I say/

    For windshield clean and view clear/

    Windex I do have.”

    Brother: “October eighteenth [or seventeenth]/

    Could you, would you, ‘dex my car? /

    I’d just make more streaks.”

    Me: “Those dates doth work well/

    Available I shall be/

    Windex; rags in hand.”

    Brother: “A five seven five /

    Expression of gratitude /

    This line is filler.”

    When Texts Have Very Sharp Timing

    | London, England, UK | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

    (I moved into a flat-share due to fighting with my boyfriend, but we are attempting to resolve the issues. After I move out he buys a new bread knife. One morning I find these two messages on my phone:)

    Dad: “Haven’t heard from you in a while. Hope neither of you are in prison for murder.”

    Boyfriend: “I love this knife!”

    Her Parenting Is Very Faint

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (It has been known by my family that I am a sickly person because of a rare blood disease I inherited from my father. This blood disease causes me to be more susceptible to infections and causes me to feel more alert/awake if I have blood removed from my body. A unique side effect of the blood disease is that it causes my blood pH to become dangerously alkaline, while most other blood-related problems cause normal people’s blood to become more acidic. My mother is an educated woman who works as a registered nurse, and is well aware of my lifetime of illness problems and the seriousness thereof. She is texting me out of the blue two days after I was rushed to the hospital, after ignoring messages I’ve sent her for weeks. I had lost my phone the day I went to the hospital and just found it.)

    Mother: “So, how come you haven’t answered your phone lately?”

    Me: “I’m sick. I’m on antibiotics and tired all the time. I have a kidney infection. I haven’t had time to talk. Sorry. I tried messaging you a few days ago but you didn’t respond.”

    Mother: “How could you know you have a kidney infection? Only a blood test would determine that.”

    Me: “I got a series of tests at the hospital. My blood pH is higher than normal and my right kidney is swollen.”

    Mother: “I don’t believe you. Blood pH has a very limited range before unconsciousness would occur. And you’re answering texts NOW!”

    Me: “I found out at the hospital day before yesterday. My fiancée took me there because I fainted in the shower and she couldn’t wake me up. I woke up after they took a blood test. My blood pH was 7.48, I was going into alkalosis. They took almost a pint of blood out then gave me an injection of potassium, and I was finally alert after that. They gave me antibiotics, too. If I had waited any longer for treatment, I would have probably had a seizure or organ shutdown. I lost track of my phone and didn’t find it until today.”

    Mother: “You’re just saying that for attention! You’re fine; there is nothing wrong with you. EVERYONE feels weak sometimes but leave it to you to convince someone to take you to the hospital over it!”

    (Thank goodness I didn’t faint at her house, she probably would have left me there to die!)

    Giver Of Titles

    | IL, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom and I have an odd way of talking to one another. Also I was a C-section.)

    Me: “Happy day of birth, Mother.”

    Mother: “Thank you, oh one that was removed.”

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