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    Still Crappy With Timing Though

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I receive an email from my mother:)

    Mother: “I’m much better at handling stress than I used to be. Sorry about your childhood.”

    Out Existential-ing Each Other

    | Providence, RI, USA | Siblings

    (I am texting my sister about a party that we will be attending. My sister sometimes likes to try to be difficult.)

    Me: “Are the two of you going to be there?”

    Sister: “Define ‘be there.’”

    Me: “Exist not here.”

    Sister: “Define ‘exist.’”

    Me: “To have a series of correlated particles in a particular region of the space-time continuum.”

    Sister: “Wow. Touché.”

    Santa Knows Who The Bad Apples Are

    | AB, Canada | Parents & Guardians, Themed Giveaway

    (I notice my laptop is reaching a scorching hot level the more I pull up documents and presentation sources for my undergraduate research paper. I text my mom with a request.)

    Me: “Can I add a laptop cooling pad to my Christmas list?”

    Mom: “Does Santa know what they are?”

    Me: “I’m sure his tech center knows.”

    Mom: “They are not something he uses when asking the kids what they want. His lap must get very hot.”

    Me: “That’s because he’s switched to an iPad for road work!”

    Mom: “Oh, iElf!”

    My Family And Other Animals, Part 4

    | Canada | Siblings, Themed Giveaway

    (My brother-in-law and I often communicate over text via animal noises. This tends to baffle the rest of the family, but they ignore it because otherwise we mock-fight. I’m talking to my sister over the phone, and can hear my brother-in-law in the background.)

    Me: “Oh. Is [Brother-In-Law] home?”

    Sister: “Yeah. He’s packing before he heads back out to the bush tomorrow.”

    Me: “Can you tell him ‘quack’ for me?”

    Sister: “…what?”

    Me: “Just tell him ‘quack’ for me.”

    Sister: “Alright then.” *to him* “[Name] says ‘quack’.”

    (My brother in law replies with a loud and surprisingly realistic ‘moo.’)

    Sister: “He says—”

    Me: *laughing* “Yeah, I heard him. Anyways—”

    (We go back to chatting for a few minutes before my brother-in-law chimes in again with an even louder ‘moo.’)

    Sister: “[Brother-in-law]! That is an outside noise!”

    Related:
    My Family And Other Animals, Part 3
    My Family And Other Animals, Part 2
    My Family And Other Animals

    Politically Correct Pirates Are Unassailable

    | Lancaster, CA, USA | Pets & Animals, Siblings

    (My mom, sisters, and I are chatting online a few days after Halloween.)

    Sister #1: “So what were you for Halloween, Mom?”

    Mom: “I was a gypsy. My first graders didn’t know what that was, so I had to tell them.”

    Sister #2: “Actually, Mom, they prefer to be known as the Roma, not gypsies. It’s considered a derogatory term.”

    Mom: “Oh, wow, I didn’t know that. I guess I had better retire that costume and figure out something new for next year that’s more politically correct. [Sister #3], what were you for Halloween?”

    Sister #3: “Oh, I was a pirate.”

    Me: “Actually, they prefer to be known as ‘mercenaries’ these days. ‘Pirate’ is so not PC.”


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