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    Needs To Employ A Better Morning Routine

    | Portland, OR, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mother is texting me the morning after I was hired for my first job. I’m very into literary roleplaying as a hobby.)

    Mom: “How are you, working girl?”

    Me: “Waking up.”

    Mom: “Did you wake up, realize you’re officially employed, and then smile?”

    Me: “No, I woke up, grumped about a role-play, and then fell back asleep for 15 minutes on my floor.”

    Mom: “Well. That’s one way to do it, I suppose.”

    Worked Her Socks Off

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m at my friend’s house when I receive a text message from my mother.)

    Mom: “We were just thinking of you and what an overachiever you were. We just heard on TV that the average number of lost socks a year is seven per person. Clearly, given the number of sock orphans we found when you left, you are in a league of your own.”

    Me: “I always knew I was!”

    Mom: “Always special.”

    Me: “Aw, my mommy says I’m special!”

    A Very Late Engagement

    | London, England, UK | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (My fiancé and I are breaking the news of our engagement to our families. We have just got off the phone with his parents when he receives a text from his mum.)

    Fiancé’s Mum: *via text* “Great news. Your brother has just got engaged. Mum.”

    Me: *to my fiancé* “Uh, looks like that was meant for your sister.”

    Fiancé: *texting back* “Well, I didn’t know I had a brother, so that’s bigger news to me than his engagement.”


    | LA, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Siblings

    (I’ve just started dating a guy, and I’m looking forward to becoming sexually active for the first time ever. I decide I need to find an OB-GYN.)

    Mom: “Hey, I know you’re looking for a doctor. A coworker recommended this lady.”

    (She sends me a link to a website with a doctor’s profile. The woman’s name rings a bell, so I type her into Facebook to see if I know her. Then I pick up the phone and call my mom.)

    Me: “Hey. So, you know that doctor you sent me?”

    Mom: “Yeah?”

    Me: “That’s [Boyfriend]‘s sister.”

    Mom: “You’re kidding.”


    Mom: *cracking up* “You could make your vagina a family affair!”

    (Thank god for Facebook. Before that point I only vaguely knew my boyfriend’s sister was a doctor. I can only imagine getting introduced to his family…)

    Still Crappy With Timing Though

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I receive an email from my mother:)

    Mother: “I’m much better at handling stress than I used to be. Sorry about your childhood.”

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