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    Her Parenting Is Very Faint

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (It has been known by my family that I am a sickly person because of a rare blood disease I inherited from my father. This blood disease causes me to be more susceptible to infections and causes me to feel more alert/awake if I have blood removed from my body. A unique side effect of the blood disease is that it causes my blood pH to become dangerously alkaline, while most other blood-related problems cause normal people’s blood to become more acidic. My mother is an educated woman who works as a registered nurse, and is well aware of my lifetime of illness problems and the seriousness thereof. She is texting me out of the blue two days after I was rushed to the hospital, after ignoring messages I’ve sent her for weeks. I had lost my phone the day I went to the hospital and just found it.)

    Mother: “So, how come you haven’t answered your phone lately?”

    Me: “I’m sick. I’m on antibiotics and tired all the time. I have a kidney infection. I haven’t had time to talk. Sorry. I tried messaging you a few days ago but you didn’t respond.”

    Mother: “How could you know you have a kidney infection? Only a blood test would determine that.”

    Me: “I got a series of tests at the hospital. My blood pH is higher than normal and my right kidney is swollen.”

    Mother: “I don’t believe you. Blood pH has a very limited range before unconsciousness would occur. And you’re answering texts NOW!”

    Me: “I found out at the hospital day before yesterday. My fiancée took me there because I fainted in the shower and she couldn’t wake me up. I woke up after they took a blood test. My blood pH was 7.48, I was going into alkalosis. They took almost a pint of blood out then gave me an injection of potassium, and I was finally alert after that. They gave me antibiotics, too. If I had waited any longer for treatment, I would have probably had a seizure or organ shutdown. I lost track of my phone and didn’t find it until today.”

    Mother: “You’re just saying that for attention! You’re fine; there is nothing wrong with you. EVERYONE feels weak sometimes but leave it to you to convince someone to take you to the hospital over it!”

    (Thank goodness I didn’t faint at her house, she probably would have left me there to die!)

    Giver Of Titles

    | IL, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom and I have an odd way of talking to one another. Also I was a C-section.)

    Me: “Happy day of birth, Mother.”

    Mother: “Thank you, oh one that was removed.”

    Forgot To Forget

    | Oakville, ON, Canada | Parents & Guardians

    (Despite being very absent-minded, I am very prideful and hate being reminded of obvious things, regardless of whether I actually needed the reminder. I apply to a college program, and receive an e-mail response about setting up an interview time. I tell my mom, and she and I discuss the fact I can’t have an interview until the following week. The next day, she texts me to ask if we could shop for an interview outfit, and to ask if I know how I will word my e-mail. After I reply, she says:)

    Mom: “Great. I guess you will remember that you can’t have the interview until after [date].”

    Me: “Well, I guess we’ll never know, because you just reminded me anyway.”

    (I can’t tell if that was just the wording she chose, or if she was trying to remind me without “reminding” me. In any case, her response was, “Good one.”)

    My Family And Other (Extinct) Animals, Part 3

    | Culpeper, VA, USA | Siblings, Spouses & Partners

    (My wife is texting with her sister about a homeschool trip to see some newly discovered dinosaur tracks nearby…)

    Wife: “We have to leave early Friday. We’re going to see some newly discovered dinosaur tracks in Culpeper.”

    Sister: “For a school project?”

    Wife: “Yes.”

    Sister: “Really? I thought they were extinct.”

    Wife: “…”

    Sister: “That’s creepy. I’d be scared.”

    My Family And Other (Extinct) Animals, Part 2
    My Family And Other (Extinct) Animals
    My Family And Other Animals

    I’m Singeing In The Rain

    | IL, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am away at college and this is over texting with my mother. The weather was predicted to be above 60 for the next few days, which is unusual for IL.)

    Mom: “Did you buy an umbrella today?”

    Me: “No, I didn’t buy an umbrella today.”

    Mom: “Oh well. At least it’s warm out if you get soaked tomorrow.”

    Blood Is Thicker Than Insults

    | IL, USA | Siblings

    (I recently found out that I have the same blood type as my older brother, so I decide to give him a hard time about it. This takes place over text.)

    Me: “Apparently we have the same blood type. So let me know if you ever need a kidney or anything.”

    Brother: “Forget the kidney. I’ll just harvest your organs and sell them on the black market.”

    Me: “Oh, jeez, lol.”

    Brother: “Of course, I’ll have to market them as pediatric sizes since you’re so short.”

    Me: “Oh, haha. Very funny.”

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