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    Actually WANTED A Red Wedding

    | New York, NY, USA | Siblings

    (My grad school colleague is a true, bright, redhead. She’s showing a bunch of us pictures of her family on her wedding day. All four of the sibs are redheads, the youngest boy with a huge red ‘fro. Her parents are both mousy brunettes.)

    Me: “So… both your parents must carry one copy of the recessive gene for red hair.”

    Colleague: “Yup.”

    Me: “Which gives them a… one in four chance of ginger?”

    Colleague: “Yup.”

    Me: “Which they hit…”

    Colleague: “Four times in a row. Yup.”

    Me: “Your youngest brother looks like Carrot Top.”

    Colleague: “Yup. It’s his style. My parents wanted him to shave it off for my wedding… I forbid him.”

    Calling Upon A Generation

    | Norway | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m at school, when I notice I have a missed call from my mother. Naturally, I call back.)

    Me: “Hey. You called?”

    Mum: “What?”

    Me: “You called. At least that’s what my phone says.”

    Mum: “Oh, you’re the one I called?” *laughs* “I was going to call my mother!”

    Me: “Well, that’s not me.”

    Mum: “I know, but you have the same name and I got confused.”

    Me: “Oh, okay then. Wait, you have grandma listed as [My Name] in your contacts ?”

    Mum: “No, but I saw your name and I didn’t make the connection!”

    Mother Is Parking Mad

    | New Zealand | Parents & Guardians

    (I’d just started driving to school. After class I’m giving a classmate a lift home. But when I get to my car I notice something’s not right.)

    Me: “Hmmm. My mother has been over here and moved the car.”

    Classmate: “How do you know?”

    Me: “The stick shift thingy isn’t how I left it. She must not have liked the way I parked.”

    Classmate: “So…you think your mother has come all the way over here today just to move the car a few inches? You’re weird.”

    (When I get home:)

    Me: “Did you come over and move the car today?”

    Mother: “Yes, you were parked a little crooked.”

    (My mother’s actually perfectly sane.)

    Not How One Should Burn Off Steam

    | Evansville, IN, USA | Children, Siblings, Teenagers, Theme Of The Month

    (I have four children. The oldest is seventeen, and the youngest is eight. I’ve arrived at the school my youngest is at because I was told she shouted profanities at another student.)

    Vice Principal: “Hello, [My Name].”

    Me: “I am so sorry that [Daughter] said those… What did she say?”

    Vice Principal: “I actually don’t know. I only heard from [Gym Teacher] that [Daughter] said some very mean things to [Classmate]. He didn’t want to repeat them. [Daughter], what did you say?”

    Daughter: “You’ll punish me!”

    Vice Principal: “I won’t punish you any further. I just want to know what you said.”

    Daughter: “We were playing volleyball in gym class, and [Classmate] kept feeding the other team.”

    Vice Principal: *eyebrow rises* “Feeding?”

    Daughter: “YES! [Classmate] wasn’t even trying to play and was just giving the other team points! So I called her a mother-f****** feeding c***-licking b****.”

    (The vice principal and I are both shocked. I’ve never known my daughter to say anything like that before.)

    Me: “[Daughter], where did you hear those words?”

    Daughter: “[Oldest Son] says that when he’s playing a game of ‘Doder too’!”

    Vice Principal: “Is it DotA 2? A game on the computer?”

    Daughter: “Yes! I heard him shouting those words just yesterday!”

    Vice Principal: *turns to me* “Do you or your son have a Steam account?”

    Me: “Yes. I set one up on the computer my children use… Why?”

    Vice Principal: “Is their Steam account named [my children's Steam username]?”

    Me: “Oh my goodness… Yes!”

    Vice Principal: “I can vouch for where she learned that language, then.”

    Breast Awareness

    | Pacific Grove, CA, USA | Spouses & Partners

    (My wife has recently broken her toe, so she has been walking around in a protective boot. This is following a year of serious medical issues, including a neural angiogram for a suspected aneurysm, gall stones, and to top it off, several months of treatment for breast cancer, after which she had a double mastectomy. She had just been told she couldn’t reconstruct for another year, so she finally went and got breast prosthetics. She wears them the next day to an event at our son’s school. She’s feeling very self-conscious about the prosthetics, since to her they seem very large. We see another family we know fairly well.)

    Husband Of The Other Family: “Hey, [My Wife]! Did you have surgery?”

    My Wife: “No! They’re prosthetics!” *gesturing to her chest*

    Husband Of The Other Family: “Uh, no, I, uh… I meant your foot. Since you’re wearing that walking boot.”

    (Everyone turns a little red in the face before we all start laughing about it!)


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