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    Mommy’s Little Emo

    | USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians, Teenagers

    (At summer school I’ve got a reputation as the ‘emo kid’ and a bit of a rebel. Today my mom, who’s very sweet and a bit naive, came in with me to sign a paper, but since it’s only my second day, we’ve gotten lost. We turn a corner and run into one of my new friends, who’s a bit of a punk.)

    Mom: *surprised* “Oh, hello.”

    Me: “Dude, where’s our classroom? This place is so weird.”

    Friend: *points* “That way. I’m heading there now. Wanna come?”

    Mom: “No, I think it’s the other way, sweetie.”

    Me: “Well, I’ll see you later, Mom.”

    Mom: “Bye! Have fun in school!”

    (Once we get out of earshot…)

    Friend: “What was THAT?”

    Me: “Not. A. Word.”

    Actually WANTED A Red Wedding

    | New York, NY, USA | Siblings

    (My grad school colleague is a true, bright, redhead. She’s showing a bunch of us pictures of her family on her wedding day. All four of the sibs are redheads, the youngest boy with a huge red ‘fro. Her parents are both mousy brunettes.)

    Me: “So… both your parents must carry one copy of the recessive gene for red hair.”

    Colleague: “Yup.”

    Me: “Which gives them a… one in four chance of ginger?”

    Colleague: “Yup.”

    Me: “Which they hit…”

    Colleague: “Four times in a row. Yup.”

    Me: “Your youngest brother looks like Carrot Top.”

    Colleague: “Yup. It’s his style. My parents wanted him to shave it off for my wedding… I forbid him.”

    Calling Upon A Generation

    | Norway | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m at school, when I notice I have a missed call from my mother. Naturally, I call back.)

    Me: “Hey. You called?”

    Mum: “What?”

    Me: “You called. At least that’s what my phone says.”

    Mum: “Oh, you’re the one I called?” *laughs* “I was going to call my mother!”

    Me: “Well, that’s not me.”

    Mum: “I know, but you have the same name and I got confused.”

    Me: “Oh, okay then. Wait, you have grandma listed as [My Name] in your contacts ?”

    Mum: “No, but I saw your name and I didn’t make the connection!”

    Mother Is Parking Mad

    | New Zealand | Parents & Guardians

    (I’d just started driving to school. After class I’m giving a classmate a lift home. But when I get to my car I notice something’s not right.)

    Me: “Hmmm. My mother has been over here and moved the car.”

    Classmate: “How do you know?”

    Me: “The stick shift thingy isn’t how I left it. She must not have liked the way I parked.”

    Classmate: “So…you think your mother has come all the way over here today just to move the car a few inches? You’re weird.”

    (When I get home:)

    Me: “Did you come over and move the car today?”

    Mother: “Yes, you were parked a little crooked.”

    (My mother’s actually perfectly sane.)

    Not How One Should Burn Off Steam

    | Evansville, IN, USA | Children, Siblings, Teenagers, Theme Of The Month

    (I have four children. The oldest is seventeen, and the youngest is eight. I’ve arrived at the school my youngest is at because I was told she shouted profanities at another student.)

    Vice Principal: “Hello, [My Name].”

    Me: “I am so sorry that [Daughter] said those… What did she say?”

    Vice Principal: “I actually don’t know. I only heard from [Gym Teacher] that [Daughter] said some very mean things to [Classmate]. He didn’t want to repeat them. [Daughter], what did you say?”

    Daughter: “You’ll punish me!”

    Vice Principal: “I won’t punish you any further. I just want to know what you said.”

    Daughter: “We were playing volleyball in gym class, and [Classmate] kept feeding the other team.”

    Vice Principal: *eyebrow rises* “Feeding?”

    Daughter: “YES! [Classmate] wasn’t even trying to play and was just giving the other team points! So I called her a mother-f****** feeding c***-licking b****.”

    (The vice principal and I are both shocked. I’ve never known my daughter to say anything like that before.)

    Me: “[Daughter], where did you hear those words?”

    Daughter: “[Oldest Son] says that when he’s playing a game of ‘Doder too’!”

    Vice Principal: “Is it DotA 2? A game on the computer?”

    Daughter: “Yes! I heard him shouting those words just yesterday!”

    Vice Principal: *turns to me* “Do you or your son have a Steam account?”

    Me: “Yes. I set one up on the computer my children use… Why?”

    Vice Principal: “Is their Steam account named [my children's Steam username]?”

    Me: “Oh my goodness… Yes!”

    Vice Principal: “I can vouch for where she learned that language, then.”

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