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    Not How One Should Burn Off Steam

    | Evansville, IN, USA | Children, Siblings, Teenagers, Themed Giveaway

    (I have four children. The oldest is seventeen, and the youngest is eight. I’ve arrived at the school my youngest is at because I was told she shouted profanities at another student.)

    Vice Principal: “Hello, [My Name].”

    Me: “I am so sorry that [Daughter] said those… What did she say?”

    Vice Principal: “I actually don’t know. I only heard from [Gym Teacher] that [Daughter] said some very mean things to [Classmate]. He didn’t want to repeat them. [Daughter], what did you say?”

    Daughter: “You’ll punish me!”

    Vice Principal: “I won’t punish you any further. I just want to know what you said.”

    Daughter: “We were playing volleyball in gym class, and [Classmate] kept feeding the other team.”

    Vice Principal: *eyebrow rises* “Feeding?”

    Daughter: “YES! [Classmate] wasn’t even trying to play and was just giving the other team points! So I called her a mother-f****** feeding c***-licking b****.”

    (The vice principal and I are both shocked. I’ve never known my daughter to say anything like that before.)

    Me: “[Daughter], where did you hear those words?”

    Daughter: “[Oldest Son] says that when he’s playing a game of ‘Doder too’!”

    Vice Principal: “Is it DotA 2? A game on the computer?”

    Daughter: “Yes! I heard him shouting those words just yesterday!”

    Vice Principal: *turns to me* “Do you or your son have a Steam account?”

    Me: “Yes. I set one up on the computer my children use… Why?”

    Vice Principal: “Is their Steam account named [my children's Steam username]?”

    Me: “Oh my goodness… Yes!”

    Vice Principal: “I can vouch for where she learned that language, then.”

    Breast Awareness

    | Pacific Grove, CA, USA | Spouses & Partners

    (My wife has recently broken her toe, so she has been walking around in a protective boot. This is following a year of serious medical issues, including a neural angiogram for a suspected aneurysm, gall stones, and to top it off, several months of treatment for breast cancer, after which she had a double mastectomy. She had just been told she couldn’t reconstruct for another year, so she finally went and got breast prosthetics. She wears them the next day to an event at our son’s school. She’s feeling very self-conscious about the prosthetics, since to her they seem very large. We see another family we know fairly well.)

    Husband Of The Other Family: “Hey, [My Wife]! Did you have surgery?”

    My Wife: “No! They’re prosthetics!” *gesturing to her chest*

    Husband Of The Other Family: “Uh, no, I, uh… I meant your foot. Since you’re wearing that walking boot.”

    (Everyone turns a little red in the face before we all start laughing about it!)

    An Accidental Coincidental

    | Prince George, BC, Canada | Children, Parents & Guardians, Top

    (In the week before starting school for the first time, I get a number of injuries. I fall off my bike, causing a terrible road-rash. I fall off a bike rack I was climbing on, giving me a black eye. Then, I somehow manage to fall UP the stairs, busting my lip open. A doctor’s appointment for a very stubborn wart turns out leaving me with a chemical burn on one arm. All of this is not unusual for me. Mom takes a good look at me in the morning before turning to my dad.)

    Mom: “We’re totally getting social services called on us. Aren’t we?”

    Dad: “Well, they know [Older Sister], so hopefully not. Call me if you need me. I can leave work if I have to.”

    (When I get to school, the teacher gives me a worried look. Nothing seems to happen until Mom comes to get me at the end of the day. My teacher again looks worried when Mom comes over. I am currently playing tag with some of the other kids in full view of both of them.)

    Teacher: “Ah, Mrs. [Last Name]. I’m afraid there’s been a little bit of an… incident involving your child.”

    (Before the teacher can elaborate, I trip over nothing and faceplant. The road-rash on my arms starts bleeding again, but I just get up and keep playing.)

    Mom: “That sort of incident?”

    Teacher: *nods*

    Mom: “Yeah. She does that. A lot.”

    They Obviously Haven’t Seen Memento

    | Northern Ireland, UK | Siblings

    (My brother and I are heading to school, and our mum is driving us. My brother and I watched ‘Shaun of the Dead’ the night before.)

    Brother: “We watched it from halfway through to the end. Then we switched to another channel, and it was on there too!”

    Mum: “Really?”

    Brother: “Yeah, it had just started. And it was going from the start of the movie!”

    Me: “Movies always go from the start of the movie, idiot!”

    Let’s Hope It’s Just A Dance Move

    | Yardley, PA, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I am picking up my 4th grade daughter from school. As I stop the car at the curb, a boy nearby is calling to her and waving.)

    Boy: “Bye, Anna! See you tomorrow!”

    (My daughter ignores him and climbs in the car.)

    Me: “Hi, dear, don’t you want to say goodbye to your friend? He’s waving at you!”

    Daughter: “He’s not my friend! I don’t like him!”

    Me: “Oh, really, why not?”

    Daughter: “He said he wants to ‘hump’ me!”

    Me: *taken aback* “Oh! Um… uh… What do you suppose that means?”

    Daughter: “I don’t know, but it sounds gross!”

    Me: “Good girl. Let’s go now.”

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