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    Laid It All Out In The Open

    | Orem, UT, USA | Siblings, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m pregnant, and my husband and I decide it’s time to start informing the extended family, since winter sweaters can only hide my growing bulk for so long. We start with his younger brother, and meet him for dinner and a movie.)

    Brother: *holding up his beer* “You sure you don’t want one?”

    Me: “Even if I did drink, I’d be off alcohol for the duration.”

    Brother: “Wait, what? Do you mean you’re…? Congratulations!” *holds up his bottle in a toast, then takes a drink*

    Me: “Yes, there is now physical evidence that your brother has gotten laid.”

    Brother: *chokes on his drink*

    Husband: *blushes*

    A Capital Reason To Travel

    | Canada | Siblings

    (My sisters and I do a lot of traveling, mostly for vacation but sometimes for work as well. We used to have a race going on between the four of us to see who would reach Russia first. My second eldest sister ended up going to Sochi for the Olympics last year, but since we’re rarely all in the same area we hadn’t had a chance to discuss it.)

    Sister #1: “I don’t think it should count.”

    Sister #2: “Why not? I made it to Russia; race OVER.”

    Me: “I think countries should only count if you actually spent more than one night in the capital. Otherwise, you technically can count countries you’ve had a lay-over in – even if you didn’t leave the airport.”

    (We then begin counting all the countries we’ve ‘actually’ been to.)

    Sister #1: “I’ve got at least twenty.”

    (She’s an aide worker and travels to many different countries in the world for work.)

    Sister #2: “I’ve got eight, then.”

    Me: “Five.”

    (My third sister is counting to herself and then lets out a loud groan. If we don’t include all the countries my eldest sister traveled to for work, my third sister has done the most traveling.)

    Sister #3: “I’ve only been to Canada!” *pouts and then crosses arms* “I don’t like this rule.”

    Slow On The Slow On The Uptake

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Friends, Siblings

    (I sort of help my little brother get his first job, as a busser at a restaurant I’d previously worked and where I am friends with the assistant manager. After his first shift, I ask my friend how he is doing.)

    Friend: “Okay. A little slow, but he’ll get better.”

    Me: *joking* “Slow as in speed, or slow on the uptake?”

    Friend: “Ha ha. Slow as in speed.”

    (Later, I relayed this conversation to my brother.)

    Me: “So I said, ‘Slow as in speed, or slow on the uptake?’.”

    Brother: “Uptake?”

    A Very Odd(apus) Child

    | SC, USA | Children, Cousins

    (My sister and I take a trip out of town for a few days and stay with some relatives. To thank me for babysitting their three- and five-year-old daughters, they tell us to pick any restaurant and we’d go there for dinner. I ask the kids what they thought and they insist on a Japanese grill and buffet. Once we are seated, the following exchange takes place:)

    Cousin: “Okay, girls, what do you want to eat?”

    Five-Year-Old: “I want pizza, rice, and chicken!”

    Three-Year-Old: “I wan’ oddapus.”

    Cousin: “You want… octopus? Are you sure?”

    Three-Year-Old: “ODDAPUS.”

    (My cousin comes back from the buffet with a plate of tiny octopi in some kind of sauce. I look on in horrified fascination as she eats them with gusto.)

    Me: “Are… are those good, sweetie?”

    Three-Year-Old: “Yep.” *sticks another octopus in her mouth*

    (She is a much braver person than I am!)

    They Better Get The Order Right First Time

    | San Leandro, CA, USA | Sons & Daughters

    Me: “Wow, this article says that Wells Fargo has an ATM in Antarctica… I wonder what they need cash for there. Do they have a store or something?”

    Son: “Domino’s!”

    A Very Unhappy Meal

    , | Buffalo, NY, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Theme Of The Month

    (Despite most of my family being Catholic, a combination of atheism on my dad’s side, and agnosticism/laziness on my mother’s side, make it so that I grow up without religion. We simply didn’t go to church, so I had no clue about the rites and rituals that my cousins would go through. My cousin and I are about seven years old, and we are in the middle of eating our hamburgers when she suddenly starts bawling.)

    Aunt: “Honey what’s wrong?”

    Cousin: “I’M GOING TO HELL!” *continues bawling*

    My Mother & Me: “…?”

    Aunt: “Honey, why do you say that?”

    Cousin: *through the tears* “I wasn’t thinking and it’s Friday, and I already did my first penance, but I ate meat and it’s Friday, and I can’t confess before my first communion AND I’M GOING TO HELL!” *resumes absolute sobbing*

    Me: *at all of seven years old, and matter of fact as can be* “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

    (I just couldn’t fathom a ‘loving God'” that would send a little girl to eternal torment over accidentally consuming meat on a Friday)

    Other Patrons: *death glares*

    Mom: “You shouldn’t say that… I’ll explain it later.”

    (Later on she tried to explain it to me… to no avail.)


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