May's Theme Of The Month: Movie Mayhem!

They Better Get The Order Right First Time

| San Leandro, CA, USA | Sons & Daughters

Me: “Wow, this article says that Wells Fargo has an ATM in Antarctica… I wonder what they need cash for there. Do they have a store or something?”

Son: “Domino’s!”

A Very Unhappy Meal

, | Buffalo, NY, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Theme Of The Month

(Despite most of my family being Catholic, a combination of atheism on my dad’s side, and agnosticism/laziness on my mother’s side, make it so that I grow up without religion. We simply didn’t go to church, so I had no clue about the rites and rituals that my cousins would go through. My cousin and I are about seven years old, and we are in the middle of eating our hamburgers when she suddenly starts bawling.)

Aunt: “Honey what’s wrong?”

Cousin: “I’M GOING TO HELL!” *continues bawling*

My Mother & Me: “…?”

Aunt: “Honey, why do you say that?”

Cousin: *through the tears* “I wasn’t thinking and it’s Friday, and I already did my first penance, but I ate meat and it’s Friday, and I can’t confess before my first communion AND I’M GOING TO HELL!” *resumes absolute sobbing*

Me: *at all of seven years old, and matter of fact as can be* “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

(I just couldn’t fathom a ‘loving God'” that would send a little girl to eternal torment over accidentally consuming meat on a Friday)

Other Patrons: *death glares*

Mom: “You shouldn’t say that… I’ll explain it later.”

(Later on she tried to explain it to me… to no avail.)

Don’t Joke About The Pancakes

| Martinez, CA, USA | Siblings

(I, my older brother, and my older sister are waiting for our food at [Restaurant known for pancakes]. I keep looking back waiting for my huge stack of chocolate chip pancakes because I am really hungry, and my siblings are laughing at me because of it.)

Me: *sitting at the table drinking apple juice*

Sister: “Your food’s here.”

Me: *turns around* “WHERE?!”

Brother: *starts laughing and gasping* “Oh, you fell for it!”

Me: *glares at sister and stays silent for a while, before turning to her* “Your make-up’s smeared.”

Sister: “Where?”

Brother: *laughs hysterically* “How did you not see that coming?”

Sister: *glares at me*

Who Blew It The Most

| VA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My father just managed to confuse my stepmother and me by talking about hotel breakfast hours while in a diner that serves breakfast. Once we get the confusion cleared up, this exchange occurs.)

Dad: “I blew it.”

(Pause.)

Dad: “I blew it.”

(He literally blows on his menu.)

Dad: “I. Blew. It.”

(I blow at him.)

Me: “I blew you!… No. Forget I said that.”

A Lack Of Doctor WHO

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Parents & Guardians

Dad: “This Ebola virus epidemic is ridiculous. It just shows an astounding lack of competence. They should have declared it an emergency five months ago, not one month ago.”

Me: “Who?”

Dad: “Yes, WHO. Exactly.”

(In case anyone is confused, WHO is the abbreviation for the World Health Organisation.)

Not The Day Of The Tentacle

| Centennial, CO, USA | Children

(I am about 12 years old. My family and I are out at a Chinese restaurant. My dad orders some kind of soup with octopus in it. I decide to try it.)

Me: “It tastes like testicles going down my throat!”

(Most embarrassing moment ever.)


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