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    An Able Assessment

    | UK | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My family and I are in a restaurant, and we see a car parking outside in a disabled space. The people inside are very clearly not disabled and the car does not have a disabled permit.)

    Sister: “Dad, are they really disabled?”

    Dad: “Just mentally.”

    After The Terrible Twos Come The Flirty Threes

    | Mt. Juliet, TN, USA | Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (My mother and stepfather have my niece [8 months] and nephews [2½  and 5] one day and they want to go out to eat, so they take the kids to one of their favorite restaurants. While the older boy is playing with his little sister, the 2½-year-old is smitten with their waitress, a tall, pretty blonde girl in her late teens.)

    Waitress: “Oh, aren’t you just a little sweetie!”

    Nephew: “Thanks, and you’re a nice and pretty lady.”

    Waitress: “Why, thank you! I bet you say that to all the girls.”

    Nephew: “Nope, just you right now.”

    Mother: “Aw, [Nephew], are you flirting with her?”

    Nephew: “Yeah, Nana…”

    (The waitress is giggling the whole time she’s finishing their order and then heads over to the cook to put it in. When he asks what she’s laughing about, she tells him about my nephew. He gets a look of disbelief on his face.)

    Cook: *loud enough for the restaurant to hear* “Wow, little man thinks he knows what he’s talking about, huh? There’s no way he know what that means!”

    Mom: “Did you hear that? Tell him you know what flirting is!”

    Nephew: “Mind your own d*** business!”

    (The restaurant was silent for about three seconds before the whole place erupted in laughter. After they finish their meal and tip and are walking out, my nephew decides he’s not done…)

    Nephew: “Call me!”

    Older Nephew: “On what phone?! Nana’s never going to let you give out her number!”

    (They laughed again and told my mom and stepdad they’re welcome back with the kids at any time, as the kids were otherwise well behaved and they could use a laugh every now and again.)

    When The Market Crashes

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (As my sister is leaving for the summer, we have my birthday dinner at a nice restaurant a few weeks early. My dad is facing the bar at our table and keeps making comments about the younger crowd.)

    Dad: “I’m glad that I’m out of the dating scene and off the market.”

    Me: *to my sister, quietly enough so my dad can’t hear me over the noise* “Well, I’m sure they’re glad for that, too.”

    Dad: “What did she just say?!”

    Must Have Been Something In That Chicken

    | VA, USA | Siblings

    (It is shortly after my mother has had her gallbladder removed. We are eating at a restaurant and I’ve gotten chicken tenders.)

    Me: “What’s this blotch on the chicken?”

    Brother: “It’s a gallbladder.”

    Me: “It is not!”

    Brother: “Really, it is!”

    Mom: “It’s a bit of cooked blood. Just eat around it.”

    (Later, we’re at home, having completely forgotten about the incident. Suddenly, my brother bursts from his bedroom wearing a straw hat and carrying an empty rifle.)

    Brother: *in an exaggerated Southern accent* “Watch out! The gallbladders are attackin’! They grow hair on their backs and howl at the moon! I saw a herd of them wipe out an entire Indian reservation!”

    (We all burst out laughing. To this day we talk about the ‘vicious gallbladders.’)

    Burnt Toast

    | MN, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

    (It’s my grandfather’s 90th birthday. Extended family members from four states have come to celebrate. It’s dessert time during the dinner party and people have been making toasts. My aunt gets up and raises her glass of wine.)

    Aunt: “I’d just like to say how much I appreciate my dad for being so open and accepting of what his kids wanted to do with their lives—”

    Cousin: “Mom, you made that toast already. Five minutes ago.”

    Aunt: “I did?”

    All Of Us: “YES!”

    Aunt: “Well, I want to make it again!”

    (Clearly, we’d all been toasting too much already.)

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