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  • November Theme Of The Month: Thanksgiving!

    Giving Birth To The Returner Culture

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Children, Friends

    (I am out to lunch with a of couple girlfriends for one’s birthday, and the birthday girl’s three year old daughter. While I don’t have or want any of my own, kids don’t really bother me.)

    Me: *after about five minutes of the girl hanging on me, including standing in my lap to wave to the kitchen staff* “Okay, [Birthday Girl], you can have her back now.”

    Birthday Girl: “Nuh-uh, she’s yours now! There’s no return policy!”

    Other Friend: “Honey, there was a no return policy when she fell out of your vagina.”

    Boy Am I Glad He Stopped

    | Luxembourg | Parents & Guardians

    (My mother is always very open about teaching me what I want to know. This happens a while after I have learned about the birds and the bees in a book, while we are in a restaurant inside the mall.)

    Me: “Mom?”

    Mom: “Yes?”

    Me: “Granddad is a boy. Does that mean he has a penis?”

    Mom: “Yes.”

    Me: “Daddy is also a boy. Does he also have a penis?”

    Mom: “Yes.”

    (By now all men around us have started getting nervous, fearing I might ask if they had one, too. Thankfully, I didn’t continue asking.)

    Wants To Know Top From Bottom

    | OH, USA | Grandparents

    (I’m gay and my Southern Baptist grandpa has a very hard time dealing with this. My mom let it slip that I am in a relationship.)

    Grandpa: *in very loud voice* “So which one of you goes on top during ‘the act’?”

    (I have never been so embarrassed.)

    Cherry Picking Your Dessert

    , | WA, USA | Siblings

    (My boyfriend’s teenage brother is staying with us for a short while to do some work for his dad, which has left him pretty worn and overwhelmed. We’re out grabbing dinner before picking my boyfriend up from work.)

    Me: “Okay, I know you’re pretty stressed, so why don’t I buy you some ice cream?”

    Brother: “Okay, I’ll have a [ice cream treat].”

    Cashier: “Would you like chocolate, butterscotch, or cherry?”

    Brother: “Cherry, please.”

    (By the time we get the rest of our food, he’s almost done.)

    Brother: “You know what? I’m so stressed, I completely forgot I don’t even like cherry! This whole time I didn’t even notice that’s what I got!”

    Me: “You’re not getting another!”

    Don’t Have A Cow

    | Bateman's Bay, NSW, Australia | Siblings

    (We’re sitting around after finishing dinner and waiting for the bill. To pass time, I decide to make some jokes about cows.)

    Little Sister: “What do you call a cow who can’t speak?”

    Me: “Moot!”

    Little Sister: “What do you call a cow who has different emotions every other second?”

    Me: “Moody!”

    Little Sister: “What do you call a cow with no wings?”

    Me: “Hmm… I don’t know. What do you call one?”

    Little Sister: “A cow, still.”

    Allergic To People With Allergies

    | Tucson, AZ, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m having dinner with my dad. At this time, I’m 26 and have not been married yet. My dad and I have fallen into discussion about expectations with your partner.)

    Dad: “Don’t let the mother-in-law dominate your household. But don’t alienate her as well. You need to make her feel welcomed. You always need to make compromises with your partner.”

    Me: “I know, I know. But not with the pets. My dogs and cat stay.”

    Dad: “Well, what if your husband is allergic?”

    Me: “Yeah, fine. I’ll compromise on that… I’ll pay for his medication.”

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