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  • Time To Wake Up And Smell The Coffee

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I work an early morning shift and get done at 10 am. I’m meeting my mother after work to run a few errands and we stop at a fast food restaurant so I can get a bite to eat.)

    Mom: “I hate to drag you around if you’re tired. If you want to just go home and sleep I’ll be fine on my own.”

    Me: “I’m fine.” *waving my cup of pop* “I’ve got my caffeine fix now.”

    Mom: “I really wish you wouldn’t do that. Caffeine isn’t good for you.”

    Me: “…You’re telling me this while you’re drinking your second coffee of the day?”

    Mom: “Well, yes. But that’s different!”

    Acting All Wifi And Mighty

    | NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My family is on vacation in New York, visiting from Canada. I just got a new phone and don’t completely understand it yet, whereas my mom has had a phone many years.)

    Me: “Um, mom, I just got a message saying I’m 25$ over my data limit.”

    Mom: “What!? How could you do that!? Didn’t you know to turn your data off?”

    Me: “I’m sorry! I’m still learning!”

    (Ten minutes later:)

    Mom: “You know you really need to be more careful with that phone what if you racked up hundreds of dollars?”

    Me: “I said I’m sorry.”

    (Another ten minutes later:)

    Mom: “You know you always have to shut down data roaming and the rest of your apps. You can’t be so careless.”

    (An hour later.)

    Mom: “Hey, did I ever tell you about the last time I was in New York? I thought I was on wifi but I wasn’t and ended up spending 250$ over my data plan! But, hey, what can you do? Accidents happen you know?”

    (Sadly this isn’t the first time she’s called me out for a minor mistake while seeing no problem with doing the same thing, just worse.)

    The Odds Are Not In Their Favor

    | Allentown, PA, USA | Children, Friends

    (We’re taking my little sister to attend a friend’s birthday party at a restaurant. Upon arriving, we witness another party that has gotten out of control, complete with children running all over the place and hitting each other with balloons while most of the adults just sit back and watch.)

    Me: “Oh, great… 24 children running around, trying to kill each other for cake and pizza while adults watch… This isn’t a birthday party; it’s the Hunger Games…”

    A-salted By Pepper

    | Slovenia | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (I am about 10 and my brother is 5. Our family and some family friends are sitting at a table, waiting for food to arrive. My brother is bored, pushing around the salt and pepper shaker.)

    Me: *to my brother* “You know, it’s really fun to take some pepper and put it into your nose and inhale!”

    Brother: *does exactly that, then starts sneezing and his eyes start watering*

    Mum: “Oh, dear, why did you listen to her?”

    Me: “Sorry, brother! You know, it will really help you if you now do the same with salt!”

    (Mum managed to stop him before he did it, as he was reaching for the salt. The rest of the table tried to hold back laughter.)

    The Day Of The Burger

    | NJ, USA | Siblings

    (We’re in a restaurant that specializes in burgers when I notice a sign that says ‘Same Day Service Available.’)

    Me: *pointing out sign* “Well, I should hope so! Can you imagine ordering a burger and being told it’s ready on Wednesday? And then you forget what day they told you to pick it up, so you make a sandwich for dinner and finish eating it…”

    Brother: “And then you remember and you’re like ‘d*** it!'”

    Me: “Or they don’t tell you ahead of time when it’ll be ready, and call you at two am to say your burger is ready…”

    Brother: “No, they fax you. ‘You’re burger is almost ready… just a few more weeks.’ And give you a weekly update on how your burger is coming along.”

    Me: “Except there’s no way a burger should take that long and they’re just procrastinating.”

    Brother: “When they tell you it’s ready, you come in and it’s something they slapped together five minutes before you got there.”

    Hunger Makes You A Different Person

    | MT, USA | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (My husband, son, and I have just walked into a restaurant that calls out names over the speaker when their food is ready.)

    Voiceover Speaker: “Lindsay, your order is ready. Lindsay!”

    Husband: “Quick! Go be Lindsay!”

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