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    Don’t Have A Cow

    | Bateman's Bay, NSW, Australia | Siblings

    (We’re sitting around after finishing dinner and waiting for the bill. To pass time, I decide to make some jokes about cows.)

    Little Sister: “What do you call a cow who can’t speak?”

    Me: “Moot!”

    Little Sister: “What do you call a cow who has different emotions every other second?”

    Me: “Moody!”

    Little Sister: “What do you call a cow with no wings?”

    Me: “Hmm… I don’t know. What do you call one?”

    Little Sister: “A cow, still.”

    Allergic To People With Allergies

    | Tucson, AZ, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m having dinner with my dad. At this time, I’m 26 and have not been married yet. My dad and I have fallen into discussion about expectations with your partner.)

    Dad: “Don’t let the mother-in-law dominate your household. But don’t alienate her as well. You need to make her feel welcomed. You always need to make compromises with your partner.”

    Me: “I know, I know. But not with the pets. My dogs and cat stay.”

    Dad: “Well, what if your husband is allergic?”

    Me: “Yeah, fine. I’ll compromise on that… I’ll pay for his medication.”

    A Cinnamon Twist In The Tale

    | Bellevue, NE, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My son and I meet at a popular national taco chain for lunch. I order a limited-time chicken enchilada special with a side of their cinnamon twists for dessert. He orders a taco/burrito combo. As we are finishing eating, I get ready to share the dessert with my son, but I notice they’re already gone.)

    Me: “Where are my cinnamon twists?!”

    Son: “Oh, sorry, I thought they were part of my combo.”

    Me: “No, they weren’t, and I had planned on sharing them with you.”

    Son: “Sorry, it was an accident.”

    (He then reaches out for one of my leftover tortilla chips, and I stab his hand with my plastic “spork.”)

    Son: “OUCH!” *with a look of pure incredulity*

    Me: “That wasn’t an accident…”

    All That Effort Comes To Nothing

    | Cleveland, OH, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (The first week of summer, my little sister has been at home alone while my parents work and I’m at driving school. We go out for dinner one night and my dad tries to make conversation.)

    Dad: “So what have you been doing today, [Sister]?”

    Sister: “Nothing.”

    Dad: “Oh, really? What kind of nothing?”

    Sister: “Just nothing.”

    Mom: “Come on, [Sister]. Spell it out.”

    Sister: “N-O-T-H-I-N-G.”


    Dad: “S-M-A-R-T-Y-P-A-N-T-S.”

    When Thirty Gets Hurty

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (On the occasion of my 30th birthday, I am out with my family for dinner.)

    Dad: “So, 30 years old! Wow. How does it feel to be 30… YEARS… OLD?”

    Me: “Good. I feel good.”

    Dad: “Yes, but 30 years…”

    Me: “Well Dad, how does it feel to have a 30 year old daughter?”

    (The look on his face was priceless.)


    | Petaluma, CA, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (My husband orders a calamari dish in a Korean restaurant and encourages me and our 10-year-old to try some.)

    Husband: “Oooooo, look, tentacles!” *holds up a piece* “[Daughter] are you sure you don’t want to try some?”

    Daughter: “I’m sure. I don’t eat anything with testicles.”

    Me: “Ummm, TENTacles. And besides you do… Some cows, some chickens, any male animal.”

    Daughter: “Tentacles. I don’t eat anything with tentacles. I don’t know why I said that.”

    Me: “Maybe because you’re doing sex-ed in school this week?”

    Daughter: “That must be it.”

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