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    A Very Unhappy Meal

    , | Buffalo, NY, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Theme Of The Month

    (Despite most of my family being Catholic, a combination of atheism on my dad’s side, and agnosticism/laziness on my mother’s side, make it so that I grow up without religion. We simply didn’t go to church, so I had no clue about the rites and rituals that my cousins would go through. My cousin and I are about seven years old, and we are in the middle of eating our hamburgers when she suddenly starts bawling.)

    Aunt: “Honey what’s wrong?”

    Cousin: “I’M GOING TO HELL!” *continues bawling*

    My Mother & Me: “…?”

    Aunt: “Honey, why do you say that?”

    Cousin: *through the tears* “I wasn’t thinking and it’s Friday, and I already did my first penance, but I ate meat and it’s Friday, and I can’t confess before my first communion AND I’M GOING TO HELL!” *resumes absolute sobbing*

    Me: *at all of seven years old, and matter of fact as can be* “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

    (I just couldn’t fathom a ‘loving God'” that would send a little girl to eternal torment over accidentally consuming meat on a Friday)

    Other Patrons: *death glares*

    Mom: “You shouldn’t say that… I’ll explain it later.”

    (Later on she tried to explain it to me… to no avail.)

    Don’t Joke About The Pancakes

    | Martinez, CA, USA | Siblings

    (I, my older brother, and my older sister are waiting for our food at [Restaurant known for pancakes]. I keep looking back waiting for my huge stack of chocolate chip pancakes because I am really hungry, and my siblings are laughing at me because of it.)

    Me: *sitting at the table drinking apple juice*

    Sister: “Your food’s here.”

    Me: *turns around* “WHERE?!”

    Brother: *starts laughing and gasping* “Oh, you fell for it!”

    Me: *glares at sister and stays silent for a while, before turning to her* “Your make-up’s smeared.”

    Sister: “Where?”

    Brother: *laughs hysterically* “How did you not see that coming?”

    Sister: *glares at me*

    Who Blew It The Most

    | VA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My father just managed to confuse my stepmother and me by talking about hotel breakfast hours while in a diner that serves breakfast. Once we get the confusion cleared up, this exchange occurs.)

    Dad: “I blew it.”

    (Pause.)

    Dad: “I blew it.”

    (He literally blows on his menu.)

    Dad: “I. Blew. It.”

    (I blow at him.)

    Me: “I blew you!… No. Forget I said that.”

    A Lack Of Doctor WHO

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Parents & Guardians

    Dad: “This Ebola virus epidemic is ridiculous. It just shows an astounding lack of competence. They should have declared it an emergency five months ago, not one month ago.”

    Me: “Who?”

    Dad: “Yes, WHO. Exactly.”

    (In case anyone is confused, WHO is the abbreviation for the World Health Organisation.)

    Not The Day Of The Tentacle

    | Centennial, CO, USA | Children

    (I am about 12 years old. My family and I are out at a Chinese restaurant. My dad orders some kind of soup with octopus in it. I decide to try it.)

    Me: “It tastes like testicles going down my throat!”

    (Most embarrassing moment ever.)

    Birth Of A Name Phrase

    | KY, USA | Siblings

    (My extended family is going out for dinner together, a rather rare occurrence. Unfortunately I have to be at work. While they are at the restaurant, my older sister is texting me.)

    Sister: “I just used the phrase ‘pulled a [My Name].'”

    Me: “Oh, no. What does it mean?”

    Sister: “[Niece] dove under the table when the waiters came out singing for someone’s birthday.”

    (On my fifth birthday, we went to a different restaurant where they sing and clap for children’s birthdays. When they came marching toward our table I dove under it AND under my mother’s skirt. Family never lets you forget those things.)


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