(I am gay, and just starting to come out to friends and family. I phone my mum from university, as I live away from home.)

Me: “Mum, there’s… there’s something I need to tell you. I… I… I’m sorry I’ve not told you sooner mum, but—”

Mum: “Just one minute.”

(She goes away for a couple of seconds.)

Mum: “Right, you were saying?”

Me: “Mum, I’m gay.”

(All of a sudden, there’s a massive round of applause, with shouting and cheers from the other end of the phone. It turns out she has known for years anyway, and knew what I was about to say. She connected her phone to a speaker so that her work colleagues—all of whom she’d told I was gay and that she was waiting for me to come out—could hear.)

Mum: “Well done, it’s about time! I’m proud of you son; I love you!”

(It’s early spring, and the city where my parents live received a snowstorm the previous week. I’m on the phone with my parents. People are always commenting that my dad and I have the same sense of humour.)

Me: “So, are you still getting bad weather over there, or has it cleared up?”

Mom: “Oh, it’s much nicer! Your father was excited today because he saw seven robins.”

Me: “Is he sure it was seven robins? Or was it only the same robin that he saw, but seven times?”

Mom: “No, it was seven all at the same time.”

Me: “Is he sure it was seven, or is he suffering from double vision in his old age?”

(My father and I speak the next lines at the same time:)

Me and Dad: “Maybe it was only three-and-a-half birds!”

Dad: *leaving me a voicemail* “So if you’re not doing anything, why don’t you come over after work yesterday for dinner?”

Me: *leaving voicemail for him in response* “Sorry dad, I can’t remember which decade I parked the Time Machine in, so yesterday might not work. How does tomorrow sound?”

(I’m on the phone with my mother. The conversation turns to the meteor that recently crashed in Russia.)

Mom: “Oh, did you hear about the baby they found?”

Me: “Where?”

Mom: “A baby that survived where the meteor hit!”

Me: “Really!?”

Mom: “Yeah, he was completely fine. They found him wearing a little red cape.”

Me: “I can’t believe I fell for that.”

(My grandmother lives on the other side of the world from me, but we’ve always been fond of each other and chat every few weeks. She’s also known in my family for having no filter—she says exactly what she thinks, and is bad at sugar-coating.)

Grandmother: “I’m excited to come visit next month and see your college!”

Me: “And celebrate my birthday with me.”

Grandmother: “Yes, that too, but travel is not so easy for me.”

Me: “I can imagine. You did just turn 80.”

Grandmother: “Yeah.”

Me: “And can you believe I’m about to turn 20?”

*silence*

Me: *panicking, thinking she’s had a heart attack* “Oma? Oma? Oh my god, are you still there?”

Grandmother: “…good god, you’re old.”