Tell It To You Straight

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(I am kayaking with both my sisters when suddenly I am having trouble keeping the kayak in a straight line. Both my sisters are bi while I am straight.)

Older Sister: “It’s funny how you’re the one who has trouble keeping straight.”

Helping With Their Ballooning Ambitions

| Okanagan Valley, BC, Canada | Children, Distant Relatives

(I’m at a massive family reunion and taking a moment to enjoy the peace and calm by the lake away from the social whirl. I’m approached by three kids who are holding their hands behind their backs.)

Kid #1: “Hi! Um, are you carrying a cell phone, or anything like that?”

Me: “…yes.”

Kid #2: “Could you maybe, like, put it down for a minute or two?”

Me: “No. But, you see the big guy up there?” *points back at the cabin* “That’s my cousin, [Cousin], and he would LOVE it if you threw some water balloons at him.”

Kids: “Okay!”

(Two of them run off. The oldest one looks at me.)

Kid #3: “How did you know we had water balloons?”

Me: “I was a kid at these kinds of family things at one time, too. Ask [Cousin] about it when he dries off.”

A Wild Geologist Appears!

| WV, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

(My father and two of my uncles were taking a walk along a strip mine when they began to hear a strange tapping noise.)

Uncle: *whispering* “What’s that?”

Dad: “Sounds like the tapping of a wild geologist.”

(They crept quietly over the ridge and peered down. Sure enough, it was a geologist my dad knew, hunting for fossils.)

She Has A Death-Fish

| WV, USA | Siblings

(I’m picking up my sister after her daily swim.)

Sister: “I felt a pinprick and looked down, and there was a little fish beside my leg. I stayed really still, and it tried to bite me a couple of times.”

Me: “Suicide by minnow. I don’t think it’ll catch on.”

I Can’t Has Cheezburgers

| Shellharbour, NSW, Australia | Children, Sons & Daughters

(I am about four years old. The local ‘Carols by Candlelight’ is happening in my local area. Many mascots for the companies endorsing the event are walking around including Ronald McDonald. My mum lets my neighbour take me to meet Ronald. I come back crying.)

Mum: *to our neighbor* “Why is she crying?”

Neighbour: “I don’t know. She just started crying so I brought her back.”

Mum: *to me* “Why are you crying?”

Me: *through tears* “Because Ronald McDonald didn’t give me a cheeseburger!”

(My mum and the rest of my family now like to bring this up as often as possible, especially over Christmas!)

A Christmas Pajama Party

| Portland, OR, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Theme Of The Month

(One of the kids I babysit is at that adorable age of generosity. She and her mother are doing a Christmas charity walk with a Santa at the end.)

Mother: “So, honey, what are you going to ask Santa for?”

Daughter: “Pajamas.”

Mother: “But you already have pajamas.”

Daughter: “Not for me! For [Brother]; I think he needs pajamas. Daddy, too. Daddy needs pajamas.”

(Santa was very amused.)


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