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    Aged Advice Is Not Sage Advice

    | CA, USA | Grandparents

    (I am talking with my 93-year-old grandmother, who gives constant advice every time I speak with her.)

    Me: “I’m thinking of looking for a new job in [Adjacent City]. There are more opportunities so it might be worth the commute.”

    Grandma: “You should talk to your current boss! Tell him you’re looking for a new job. He might be able to help you!”

    Me: “Uh, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea… My manager is really pushy; he’d just try to convince me to stay. Or he might reduce my hours and start looking for someone else.”

    Grandma: “Oh, that’s probably smart. When I was looking for my second job, I asked my boss for help and he fired me on the spot, and spoke badly about me to everyone who called him for a reference.”

    Me: “Then why in the world would you tell me to do the same thing?!”

    Grandma: “You know, I think you’ve got it under control.”

    Her Grammar Is Slap-Dash

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (My parents are filling out tax forms. My mother is reading the amounts to my father and he is filling them in.)

    Mom: “11 dash 047.”

    Dad: “Dash?! This is money; there shouldn’t be a dash!”

    (Grabs the paper from her.)

    Dad: “Comma. That’s a comma.”

    Don’t Upset The Apple Cart

    | VA, USA | Children, Grandparents, Sons & Daughters

    (My mom is visiting for the first time in several years, and comments repeatedly on how similar she, my daughter, and I are.)

    Mom: *to my daughter* “Well, THAT apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Did you, honey?”

    Daughter: “No! I don’t want to be an apple!”

    Mom: “All right, but you are a lot like your mom and me. What do you want to be?”

    Daughter: “I’m a PINEAPPLE!”

    Do You Want The Micro Or The Wave?

    | NY, USA | In-Laws, Parents & Guardians, Top

    (This is a story told to me by my mother, about her awful first marriage, which lasted a year to the day. Her ex-husband’s mother absolutely hates her, and the feeling is very mutual. For the one Christmas they spent together, she gave them a microwave. After the divorce, my mother’s ex-husband takes everything except said microwave. Then, one day, he shows up on my mother’s doorstep.)

    Ex-Husband: “Hi, I was wondering if I could have the microwave back?”

    Mom: “Uh, sure, I guess. I could get a new one for cheap – why?”

    Ex-Husband: “Well, my mom said she got it for me, and she wants it back now

    that—”

    (Mentioning that it was his mother that really wanted it was his big mistake. My mom closes the door in his face. A couple days later, her ex-mother-in-law calls her.)

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “My boy tells me you won’t give him his microwave back.”

    Mom: “Well, he got the house and all our furniture…”

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “It’s his property!”

    Mom: “No, it belonged to both of us. You gave it to both of us.”

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “I got it for HIM.”

    Mom: “Pity it doesn’t say that on the card.”

    (Her ex-mother-in-law, however, refuses to let it go, and calls my mom every day for a week. Finally, this happens.)

    Mom: “You know, I’ve been thinking it over. You did give it to both of us. It’s as much [Ex-Husband]‘s microwave as it is mine. It’s half his. So, do you want the half with the buttons, or the half with the cord?”

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “Excuse me?”

    Mom: “I have a saw.”

    (She hung up, and my mom never heard from her again. And yes, she kept that microwave for a good ten years after.)

    Burning Desire To Buy It

    | Wexford, Ireland | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m an artist. My most recent painting hasn’t turned out so well.)

    Mum: “I’d like to buy your latest painting.”

    Me: “Really?!”

    Mum: “Yeah, so I can burn it.”


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