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    The ‘Squee’ing Dead

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I’m watching the newest episode of a popular zombie-themed television show with my mom and sister. After several episodes of separation, the fan-preferred couple are finally reunited again and hug each other.)

    Me: “Woah! Did you hear that?”

    Mom: “Hear what?”

    Me: Oh, you can’t tell me you didn’t hear that! I think everyone around the world just heard that!”

    Sister: “Oh! I think I heard it! It was like a high pitched ‘squeeee,’ right?”

    Me: “Fangirls all over the world just squee’d all at the same time!”

    (Suddenly there’s a pop in the street from some kids playing with firecrackers.)

    Mom: “Well, I didn’t hear the squee, but it sounds like someone’s ovaries are exploding.”

    Don’t Say Otherwise Or There Will Be A Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo-Hoo

    | Australia | Godparents & Godchildren

    (When I was little, I fully grasped the concept of a godparent. I didn’t exactly have a vivid imagination. My sister, however, was the kind of kid who threw a fit when she was first told Santa wasn’t real, for instance. She’s three and I’m five.)

    Mum: “[Sister], this is your godmother.”

    Godmother: “Hi!”

    Sister: *wide eyes* “My fairy godmother?”

    Me: “No—”

    Mum: “Sure, sweetie.”

    Sister: “I HAVE A FAIRY GODMOTHER!” *runs to godmother*

    (I think she figured it out about four years later, but to this day she calls the woman her ‘fairy godmother.’)

    The Kick Is The Kicker

    | Canada | Cousins, Siblings

    (I’m playing basement hide-and-seek in the dark with my cousins and my brother. Everyone has been found except for me. This is what I hear from my hiding spot:)

    Cousin: “Where is she? I feel like she’s hiding somewhere in this pile.”

    Brother: “So kick it until she comes out.”

    Cousin: “That’s a terrible thing to do!” *pauses* “I say, as I do it anyway…”

    Enough To Make Your Blood Boil

    | Tulalip, WA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I swat a mosquito and brush the body off my shirt, then notice:)

    Me: “Dagnabbit, mosquito! You got a bloodstain on my shirt!”

    Mom: “And I’m sure he put it there deliberately, right?”

    Me: “Well, in his dying throes, he decided to spite my wardrobe.”

    Bodily Dysfunctions

    | India | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (This happens when I am four years old. My mother is pregnant with my sibling and is asking me to go to the toilet but I am refusing.)

    Mom: “[My Name], go to the toilet this instant! You don’t want me calling your Dad, do you?!

    Me: “NO! *indignantly* [Baby] doesn’t go to the toilet either! It. Does. Not. Poop!”


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