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    Mom Has The Skinny On You Both

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mother is also my primary care physician. After having sex, I notice an uncomfortable sensation… down there. I talk to my mom and she diagnoses it as a yeast infection. We have a talk about sex hygiene and then sex in general, as we have always been open about the subject.)

    Me: “Yes, [Boyfriend] was really a virgin when I met him.”

    Mom: *very seriously* “Did he know where things are supposed to go?”

    Me: “…yes, Mom. See, there’s this thing called the internet and a goodly portion of it is made up of—”

    Mom: “Haha, yes, yes, yes.” *pauses a moment* “BWAHAHAHAHA!”

    Me: “Now what?”

    Mom: “You two are such skinny people! So much chafing!”

    Flights Of Fancy Buns

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Grandparents

    (I am having dinner with my extended family. My husband is meeting my grandfather, who is in his early 80s, for the first time.)

    Husband: *to my grandfather* “Could you please pass the buns?”

    Grandpa: “If you wanted the buns, you should have sat here.”

    Me: “Grandpa, c’mon. Be nice.”

    Grandpa: “Fine.”

    (He picks up a bun, throws it at my husband, and hits him in the head. My jaw drops.)

    Grandpa: “What? He asked me to pass it!”

    Me: *sighs*

    (The remainder of the meal saw copious amounts of projectile food, and my husband learned to think fast at dinner with my family.)

    Way Out Of Geopolitical Line

    | PA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My parents and I are sitting eating dinner when suddenly my mom asks a question.)

    Mom: “The Great Wall of China, that’s like the Berlin Wall, right? To keep the Communists out?”

    As A Rule Of Crumb

    | Christchurch, New Zealand | Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (I am babysitting. My little nephew wants what he calls a ‘yellow biscuit’ – a type of cracker made from corn, so it is a light yellow colour.)

    Nephew: “Auntie, can I have a yellow biscuit, please?”

    Me: *being a bit silly* “Yes, I’ll get one for you. Does mummy have yellow biscuits in the cupboard or do we need to get the crayons and colour one in?”

    Nephew: “We’ve got lots. They’re in that tin.” *very solemnly* “You aren’t allowed to draw on biscuits. It’s a rule!”

    The Birds And The Bees Are Way Off Course

    | USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I am a ten-year-old girl. My dad has decided it’s time for me to learn about the birds and the bees. I already know what he’s talking about from school, but I play along.)

    Dad: “Now, erm, would you like me or your mother to tell you?”

    Me: *evil grin* “You!”

    Dad: “Um, okay. So what happens is that the male puts the penis in the woman’s vagina—”

    Me: “Really?! Groooooss! That’s not they said in class!”

    Dad: “What did they say in school?”

    Me: “Like, the male squirting stuff into the woman like a squirt gun. And they showed pictures ‘n’ everything.”

    Dad: *to Mom* “Dear! You take over now! I’m calling her school!”

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