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    Needs To Understand The Elementary Aspects

    | Columbia, SC, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m attempting to show the TV show ‘Sherlock’ to my parents.)

    Mom: “Who’s that?”

    Me: “That’s Sherlock.”

    Mom: “And his friend is… Holmes?”

    Me: “Um… Holmes is his last name. His friend is Dr. Watson.”

    Mom: “And who’s that?”

    Me: “That’s Watson. I just said that. How long has it been since you read any of the stories?”

    Mom: “Oh, a long time. Since the… 70s, I think.”

    Me: “… Maybe you ought to go to bed.”

    Dad: “OH! Burn!”

    The Universe Hangs In The Balance

    | SK, Canada | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I get to have [Treat Brand] every Tuesday and Thursday. It is a Wednesday. I had been sick for three days now, and today is the worst yet. I am trying to decide what to have for a bedtime snack, as I feel up to eating.)

    Me: “Ugh…”

    Dad: “We have [Brand], [Brand #2], [Treat Brand]…”

    Me: “[Treat Brand]?”

    Dad: “I know you’ve been having a hard time, so…”

    (Of course, I accepted. Later, as I am going to sleep…)

    Dad: “So [My Name] got [Treat Brand] today.”

    Mom: “Oh! How nice, [My Name].”

    Me: *slightly woozy from tiredness and illness* “The universe is back in balance…”

    Mom: “What?”

    Me: “When I get sugar the universe is balanced.”

    Money Doesn’t Grow On Family Trees

    | USA | Siblings, Top

    (My sister has an unfortunate habit of mismanaging her money, and often asks to borrow money from someone, usually me. She calls me one day, making the familiar request.)

    Sister: “Hey, are you able to loan me any money? I really need some help and I can pay you back next week.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I don’t have it to give. This month’s been rough on me as well.”

    Sister: “Oh. Well, thanks anyway.” *hangs up*

    (An hour later, my phone rings again. It’s my sister.)

    Sister: “Are you sure you can’t loan me any money?”

    Me: “I assure you, I do not have anything to spare.”

    Sister: “Okay. Thanks.” *hangs up*

    (A half hour passes before my phone rings again. Once again, it’s my sister.)

    Sister: “I really need your help. I’ve called everyone in the family and no one can loan me any money. Can you please loan me some money?”

    Me: *finally losing it* “And when I tell you, ‘I don’t have the money,’ it’s not code for, ‘Please keep needling and begging until I cave and pull out the fat wad of cash I keep magically stored in my anus!’ It means I don’t f****** have it! Now quit badgering me!” *click*

    A Very Minute Visit

    | NC, USA | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians

    (My parents are talking about my grandmother’s upcoming visit from overseas. I am playing a timed game.)

    Mom: “So how long will grandmother be here for?”

    (I just beat my time and yell out about it.)

    Me: “Less than a minute!”

    Dad: “Less than a minute!”

    Meeting The Family Is So-So

    | Chicago, IL, USA | In-Laws, Spouses & Partners

    (I am having a holiday dinner with my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. The dinner table consists of her mom, her dad, and her twin teenaged younger brothers. We’ve just begun eating and there is a painfully long silence in the conversation.)

    Girlfriend’s Dad: “Soo…”

    Me: “So?”

    Girlfriend’s Mom: “So-so?”

    Girlfriend: “Soooo so so so?”

    Girlfriends’ Brother #1: “So?”

    Girlfriend’s Brother #2: “What?”

    Girlfriend: “Uh…”

    Girlfriend’s Mom: “So so?”

    Girlfriend’s Dad: “Eh?”

    Girlfriend: “Um…”

    Me: “What’s going on?!”

    Girlfriend’s Mom: “You’ve got yourself a keeper! He’s cute when he’s got no idea what’s going on. Just like YOUR dad!”

    Girlfriend’s Dad: *grumbles under his breath*

    (They all go back to eating in silence as if nothing happened. I still to this day have no idea what actually transpired there, and neither does my girlfriend.)


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