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    I’m Onna Gonna Tell You Once

    | USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m lying in bed next to my husband reading something on my phone. He’s lying down to take a nap and has been asking me to cuddle him. I haven’t replied to him because I wanted to finish what I was reading, so he starts complaining to our five-year-old daughter. Note: I am trying to learn Japanese and am very fond of the culture.)

    Husband: *sad voice* “I need cuddles, [Daughter]. But momma won’t cuddle me.”

    Daughter: “Momma, cuddle Daddy!”

    Me: *giggling at what I’m reading*

    Daughter: “I know! I’ll tell her in Japanese style!”

    (She walks over to my side of the bed and climbs up, looking stern.)

    Daughter: *very obviously making up words* “Onna! Onna!” *points at her daddy* “Cuddle!”

    (I start giggling hysterically and look at my husband.)

    Me: “You know what’s funny? ‘Onna’ is actually Japanese for woman!”

    College For Bird-Brains

    | CA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I’m pouring myself a drink while talking to my mom. My sister walks in and looks at my drink.)

    Sister: *bird noise*

    Me: *bird noise*

    Sister: *bird noise*

    Me: *bird noise*

    (I pour her a drink while my mom stares at us.)

    Mom: “What are they teaching you in college these days?!”

    Literally Lost In Translation

    | USA | Siblings

    (All of my siblings have taken French in high school. My brother is singing a song in French, pauses, and looks at me.)

    Brother:‘Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.‘ Hey, [My Name], what does the French part mean?”

    Me: “Whatever will be, will be?”

    Brother: “No, the French part!”

    Me: “‘Que’ means what. ‘Sera’ means will be. Whatever will be, will be.”

    Brother: “Oh, my god! You learn something new everyday!”

    Me: “The translation is in the song…”

    Brother: “But the French part…”

    Me: “You took French.”

    Brother: “So?”

    Toying With Curious Little Minds

    | France | Children, Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (My family is home, watching a movie on television. The main character is a cop trying to solve a crime. I’m in my early teens and I had sex-ed lessons at school so I know what’s supposed to happen during sexual intercourse, and my parents know it. On the other hand, my younger brother is very innocent. The cop on screen has just entered a sex shop to ask the employees questions about the presumed killer. He’s staring at a vaguely penis-shaped sex toy.)

    Brother: “What’s that?”

    Me: “I don’t know.”

    (Of course I know what a sex toy is. I just guess my innocent brother may not be ready for that kind of information yet. He assumes nobody knows and doesn’t ask any more questions. Later, I enter the kitchen to have a glass of water. My mother follows me. She looks both embarrassed and about to burst into laughter.)

    Mother: “[My Name], I can’t believe you told him you didn’t know what it was!”

    Me: “I was just hoping he wouldn’t ask more questions.”

    Mother: “You did well!”

    Some Food Only Looks Good On Paper

    | Robeline, LA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m eating a peanut butter sandwich which I’m holding in a paper towel. My mom walks into the living room and stares at me a minute.)

    Mom: “[My Name], what are you eating?”

    Me: “A peanut butter sandwich.”

    Mom: “Oh! I didn’t see the sandwich.”

    Me: “Wait, so you thought I was eating a paper towel?”

    Mom: “I couldn’t see the sandwich!”

    (I stuff the last of my sandwich into my mouth then proceed to start shredding the paper towel using my teeth.)

    Me: “Omnomnom! Paper is tasty!”

    Mom: “Shut up.”

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