• The Cold Future
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  • August's Theme Of The Month: Best. Family Member. Ever!

    Where Euphemisms Go To Die

    | VA, USA | Cousins

    (My cousin is a ninth-grader.)

    Cousin: “So, we had to read an article about whether it’s okay to kill sick people who want to die.”

    Me: “Oh, euthanasia?”

    Cousin: “Wait; what’s ‘euthanasia’?”

    Me: “Like, if someone’s old and sick, and wants to die, a doctor can help them.”

    Cousin: “Wait, then what’s ‘euphemism’?”

    Me: “Like, a phrase: over the hill, kicked the bucket, done the dirty, gone to the farm.”

    Cousin: *giggling* “Glad I didn’t use ‘euthanasia,’ then, ’cause I got those backwards!”

    Not Chickening Out Of The Big Decisions

    | KY, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom and I are discussing my brother being vegetarian and the favorite. I also decided to come out as a transgender.)

    Mom: “He’s my favorite son and you’re my favorite daughter.”

    Me: “What if I become a man?”

    Mom: “Then he’ll still be my favorite son and you’ll be my favorite ‘boog.'” *my childhood nickname* “Why, are you planning on being a man?”

    Me: “Well, yeah, I am.”

    Mom: “At least you will still eat chicken, unlike your brother… Should I still call [Girlfriend] my son-in-law?”

    (Those are some interesting priorities, Mom.)

    Lost His Attention Years Ago

    | Broussard, LA, USA | Siblings

    (I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 11. I began to see a psychiatrist regularly to get prescriptions for Metadate pills. A few years pass. I am at home and thinking aloud.)

    Me: “I’m running low on pills. I’ll have to go see [Psychiatrist] again.”

    Brother: “You still need to take those?”

    (I stare at him. He is serious.)

    Me: “Yeah. I’ll have to take them for the rest of my life. It’s not something that goes away.”

    Brother: “Oh…”

    Picking Deep Holes In His Argument

    | England, UK | Siblings

    (It is dinnertime. My family and I have been teasing my brother and he has been trying unsuccessfully to respond to us:)

    Brother: *jokingly* “Why are you all ganging up on me?!”

    Me: “Because you’ve dug yourself into a hole and you’re not doing a very good job of building a ladder!”

    Monitoring The Virus

    | The Netherlands | Parents & Guardians

    (My brother has a laptop with a broken screen. He has the habit of connecting the family PC’s monitor to it to work on his laptop. Our family PC at this point is very slow due to it still having Windows Vista and the fact that my brothers did many unsafe downloads, and it has bad wireless to boot. My mother isn’t very tech savvy and thus likes to blame the slowness of the PC on everything anyone downloads even if it’s entirely harmless. The following happens when the PC is being agonizingly slow once again.)

    Mom: “The PC is slow again! It has a virus for sure!”

    Me: “Sure, I’ll check it out in a minute, but remember, this PC has been slow for a long time—”

    Mom: “No, [Brother] must have put a virus on it!”

    Me: “[Brother] has only been using his laptop…”

    Mom: “So? He connected it to the monitor and now my PC has a virus!”

    Me: “Do you even believe what you’re saying?”

    Mom: “Of course! The virus got into our monitor and now it’s in my PC! It’s the only explanation!”

    Me: “Mom… monitors only transfer a video signal. A virus can only be put on a hard drive, and this monitor, or any other monitor we have, doesn’t have a hard drive.”

    Mom: “But it’s slow!”

    Me: “Mom, this PC has been heavily used and it’s pretty old now. I can look into building a PC for you like I did for myself—”

    Mom: “No, I don’t want you to screw that up! If we’re gonna get a new PC, I’m getting one from a store so that I know everything is fine and it doesn’t have stuff that I don’t need!”

    Skating Past Common Sense

    | TN, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My sister is a bright girl, but sometimes shoots past the ‘Entertain Your Own Question Before Asking It’ phase. She does this so much that we dub any such occurrence in the family a [Sister] Moment. On this occasion, we are watching the diving portion of the Summer Olympics.)

    Sister: “Dad, when is the ice skating?”

    (My dad assumes she is making a weird joke, as was often done in the early days of this phenomenon, and says nothing. A few moments pass.)

    Sister: “Dad!”

    Dad: “What?”

    Sister: “When are they going to show the ice skating?”

    Me: *mixing helpfulness with exacerbation, as I know exactly what’s happening* “In about 30 months.”

    Sister: *ignoring my comment* “Seriously, though, when is the ice skating?”

    Dad: “In two years.”

    Me: “30 months.”

    Sister: “That’s dumb. The Olympics only go for, like, a month. I don’t wanna miss the ice skating. When is it?”

    Dad: “They don’t do ice skating in the Summer Olympics.”

    Me: “Summer not usually being noted for its iciness.”

    Sister: *processes* “Well, I mean, it’s indoors so I thought—”

    Me: “—No. No, you did not.”

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