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    Sister Resistor

    | IA, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (I am on the phone with my mom. I am packing to go to the UK for 10 days for a concert and some time with my aunt (mom’s sister). Mom is on her usual lecture about being friends with my sister, with whom I don’t get along.)

    Mom: “Now, why couldn’t you invite [Sister]? She likes concerts.”

    Me: “Erm, we don’t like the same music.”

    Mom: “That’s just three days. There’s another week.”

    Me: “No. [Sister] doesn’t like [My Fiancé], and hates [Aunt].”

    Mom: “Ugh. What does that b**** have to do with anything?” *I hear my dad laughing* “What is so funny?”

    Me: “You don’t like your sister, so I’m just keeping with family traditions.”

    Mom: “What? [Aunt] is mean spirited and vile. She’s always been that way since she didn’t have children.”

    (My fiancé is now texting my dad, and both are laughing.)

    Me: “Yet another reason to like her.”

    Mom: “Oh, you’ll change your mind.”

    Dad: *in background* “No! Don’t change your mind! Oh Lord, please, no!”

    Mom: “[Dad], what are you talking about? I want grandchildren!”

    Dad: “You see how weird she turned out. Any kids will be weirder still.”

    Mom: “I don’t know why I bother.”

    Going To Bed Is A Pain In The Butt

    | Finland | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I am putting my daughter to bed. She has an elaborate goodnight ritual that involves a certain sequence of hugs and kisses. I think we have already finished that part of saying goodnight.)

    Me: “Lie down now if you want me to tuck you in.”

    Daughter: “But, kisses!”

    Me: “Butt kisses?!”

    Daughter: “No, not butt kisses. Goodnight kisses!”

    (I repeat the goodnight kisses.)

    Me: “Goodnight!”

    I Think I’m Turning Japanese, Part 2

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My dad has come over to my house. The American Music Awards are on and we are watching Katy Perry’s performance with her geisha type outfit. I am half Japanese.)

    Dad: “Oh, God, here we go with another white person trying to act Japanese! What is wrong with these people? Why?”

    Me: “I don’t know Dad, but I’ve struggling with that ever since I was born.”

    Dad: “Touché.”

    I Think I’m Turning Japanese

    Needs To Understand The Elementary Aspects

    | Columbia, SC, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m attempting to show the TV show ‘Sherlock’ to my parents.)

    Mom: “Who’s that?”

    Me: “That’s Sherlock.”

    Mom: “And his friend is… Holmes?”

    Me: “Um… Holmes is his last name. His friend is Dr. Watson.”

    Mom: “And who’s that?”

    Me: “That’s Watson. I just said that. How long has it been since you read any of the stories?”

    Mom: “Oh, a long time. Since the… 70s, I think.”

    Me: “… Maybe you ought to go to bed.”

    Dad: “OH! Burn!”

    The Universe Hangs In The Balance

    | SK, Canada | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I get to have [Treat Brand] every Tuesday and Thursday. It is a Wednesday. I had been sick for three days now, and today is the worst yet. I am trying to decide what to have for a bedtime snack, as I feel up to eating.)

    Me: “Ugh…”

    Dad: “We have [Brand], [Brand #2], [Treat Brand]…”

    Me: “[Treat Brand]?”

    Dad: “I know you’ve been having a hard time, so…”

    (Of course, I accepted. Later, as I am going to sleep…)

    Dad: “So [My Name] got [Treat Brand] today.”

    Mom: “Oh! How nice, [My Name].”

    Me: *slightly woozy from tiredness and illness* “The universe is back in balance…”

    Mom: “What?”

    Me: “When I get sugar the universe is balanced.”

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