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    A Big Baby Booboo, Part 2

    | Canada | Aunts & Uncles, Grandparents

    Aunt: “I’m not feeling very well. I feel so bloated.”

    Grandma: “Have you tried going to the bathroom?”

    Aunt: “Yes. I’m constipated.”

    Grandma: “Drink some beer. The carbonation will help you get the gas out.”

    (My aunt drinks the beer, and tells my grandma that she doesn’t feel any better after.)

    Grandma: “I have some medicine if you want it.”

    Aunt: “Okay.” *takes the pills*

    (Afterwards, she still feels sick.)

    Grandma: “Maybe a massage will help.”

    (My grandma starts rubbing my aunt’s stomach.)

    Grandma: “Better?”

    Aunt: “No.”

    Grandma: *massages harder* “Now?”

    Aunt: “No.”

    Grandma: “Maybe I should step on it.”

    (My grandma starts walking on my aunt’s stomach.)

    Aunt: “I still don’t feel any better. I think I’ll see a doctor later.”

    Grandma: “You should. I think you’re really coming down with something.”

    (My aunt books an appointment to see a doctor a couple days later. After an examination, the doctor figures out what is wrong with my aunt.)

    Aunt: “What’s the bad news?”

    Doctor: “No bad news at all! You’re pregnant!”

    (As a side note, I’d like to say that the baby turned out perfectly fine and healthy!)

    Related:
    A Big Baby Booboo

    No Longer White As A Sheet

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Nephews & Nieces

    (We are telling ghost stories. My older niece wants to know if I had ever seen one. My youngest niece assures me that it won’t scare her.)

    Me: “Yes. When I was little I woke up to see a white figure standing in my room and another time there was a shadow man standing in my doorway. I thought it was Dad coming to wake me up so I jumped out of bed and started talking to him. But when I looked again he was gone.”

    (A few days later my nieces were staying at my parent’s house. Dad gets up at 4 am for work; he dresses in the dark so not to wake anyone. He’s in the process of putting on a white shirt when youngest niece sleepily wanders into the room and lets out a blood curdling scream. Dad lets out a scream, waking the whole house. When they settle down, they ask niece what was wrong.)

    Niece: “I thought you were a ghost.”

    (When I see Dad later…)

    Dad: “You and your d*** ghost stories. [Niece] nearly gave me a heart attack. I swear I lost 10 years off my life. Lucky for you I had only just been to the toilet!”

    Me: “Why lucky for me?”

    Dad: “I would have made you scrub my undies with your bare hands.”

    Using Taboo To Discuss Taboo

    | PA, USA | Nephews & Nieces, Siblings, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (We’re playing a game of Taboo, where each player has to get their partner to guess a word or phrase without using certain other words as hints. The phrase on the card is ‘food chain.’)

    My Niece: “A lion is at the top of a…”

    My Brother: “Tree!”

    (Later in the same game. the word on the card is ‘luck.’)

    My Wife: “The Irish have a lot of…”

    Me: “Drunk people!”

    Wax And Then Really Wane

    | Tucson, AZ, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My older daughter is six years old.)

    Daughter: “Mommy, I blew out the candle.”

    Me: “Oh, thank you.”

    Daughter: “And it made some juice, so I poured it down the drain.”

    Me: “You… what?” *swearing and running to check the drain*

    (She had poured a bunch of candle wax down the drain.)

    Old Eggs: The President Killer

    | Tucson, AZ, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I am having a conversation with my husband and our three-year-old daughter.)

    Dad: “Ketchup is a vegetable. Well, that’s what Ronald Reagan said, but he’s dead.”

    Daughter: “Daddy! Did you kill him?”

    Dad: “No! He died of old age.”

    Daughter: “Oh, old eggs? He eated old eggs?”


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