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  • Christmas All Wrapped Up

    | Windsor, ON, Canada | Children, Sons & Daughters, Theme Of The Month

    (My friend’s family is opening presents Christmas morning. Her kids are still young enough to believe in Santa.)

    Friend’s Daughter: “Mommy, look! Santa uses the same wrapping paper you do!”

    Friend: “Umm… He must do his shopping at the same place?”

    Friend’s Daughter: “Oh, I didn’t know they had [Retail Chain] on the North Pole.”

    (This Christmas my friend has an arrangement with the neighbours to trade wrapping paper for the ‘Santa’ gifts so that the magic will live on.)

    Jumping The Gun On That One

    | CO, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Children, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (I am 21 years old and am a competitive long range shooter. My parents have just gotten me a rather expensive new rifle for Christmas. My aunt and cousin are visiting while I open it. My cousin has just turned 10. He walks in the room with large glass of eggnog.)

    Dad: “Um… You do know that the eggnog is alcoholic right?”

    Aunt: “Oh, don’t even think of giving me crap about my parenting. You are the one raising a murderer.”

    Dad & Me: “WHAT!?”

    Aunt: “You gave that boy a rifle. Everyone knows he’s going to kill someone either by accident or on purpose!”

    Dad: “First off, he’s 21. He’s not a ‘boy’ anymore. He has been competing for years, has taken multiple gun safety courses, and only uses it at designated ranges. Trust me. Safety is a big deal at those events.”

    Aunt: “Gah, don’t you people watch the news! Guns kill people. That’s what they are made for!”

    (My aunt throws the car keys at her son.)

    Aunt: “Go pull the car around and I’ll grab our stuff. We are leaving. These people are dangerous.”

    Dad: “No. I’m not going to let you give car keys to an intoxicated 10 year old.”

    (My aunt still storms out. Fortunately, we got the keys away from my cousin and they took a cab instead of driving.)

    Perhaps He Could Google It

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m home with my mother and father for Christmas. My father is on the phone with my sister. My mother and father are both notorious for mixing up their children’s names. My name begins with an ‘I.’)

    Father: *on the phone* “Sophia just came home.”

    Sister:I’m Sophia.”

    Father: “Yes, of course. I mean I… Internet, just came home. No, that’s not her name. What’s her name?”

    (I guess I do help him a lot with his computer issues…)

    How To Train Your Children

    | Felton, DE, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s Christmas, I’m three and my brother is five. He’s gotten a train set and one of my toys is a tiny doll baby. While my parents are out of the room, he tries to take my baby and put it in the train, but my grandmother stops him. She then leaves the room, and this is caught on camera.)

    Brother: *stops the train in front of us, yanks the doll baby from my hands, and shoves it into the train*

    Me: *starts screaming and crying*

    Dad: *from down the hall* “Bud, what happened?”

    Brother: “I don’t know! She just put her doll baby in the train and started screaming!”

    Mom: “Are you lying to us, [Brother]?”

    Brother: “No!”

    (My mother comes into the room, stops the train and takes the baby out, then hands it to me.)

    Mom: “Don’t put your doll baby in the train, okay?”

    Me: “Okay.”

    It’s The Time For Giving And Taking And Eating

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Theme Of The Month

    (My nearly four-year-old daughter is fresh out of the bath and is being dried off with her current favorite towel that has Santa pictures on it.)

    Daughter: “I’m turning into Santa Claus!”

    Me: “I can tell. You’re getting a white beard now.”

    Daughter: “And this is my belly!”

    Me: “Yes, it is. Where is your red suit?”

    Daughter: “Jesus ate it!”

    Me: “He has a hard time sharing Christmas, I guess.”

    Headless Versus Brainless

    | USA | Friends, Siblings

    (My sister, friend, and I are watching ‘Sleepy Hollow’ with Johnny Depp, the really violent one. The horseman has just jumped from the ground and ridden off into the night. Suddenly, my friend speaks.)

    Friend: “Why didn’t he cut off THEIR heads?”

    Me: “Oh, uh, you’ll see.”

    Sister: “Maybe he’s blind…”

    Me: *laughs*

    Sister: “What…? Oh.”

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