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    Digging A Hole For Yourself

    | Norfolk, England, UK | Parents & Guardians

    (I am about four years old and have been playing up.)

    Mum: “If you don’t behave I’m going to lock you in the cellar.”

    Me: *pause* “We don’t have a cellar.”

    Mum: *in tones of great menace* “Well, I’ll dig one…”

    (This became an oft repeated threat throughout my childhood.)

    Giving Each Other A Raw Deal

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Parents & Guardians

    Me: “So I heard that [Aunt] was starting that new raw food diet.”

    Mom: “Sounds like the perfect diet for her.”

    Me: “How so?”

    Mom: “She doesn’t cook, and here you don’t have to.”

    Not-So-Great Grandmother

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians

    (My cousin and her kids are visiting with my grandmother. I go in with my two-year-old son to say hello. We haven’t seen each other in years. My son goes over to look at the pretty things Grandma has in her glass-door china cabinet. He’s standing back, not touching it.)

    Grandmother: “[My Name], get him away from there! I’LL NOT HAVE ANOTHER DOOR BROKEN. It cost me a LOT to get it replaced.”

    Me: “It wasn’t him that broke it.” *to my son* “Come on, [Son]. We’ll go and find Nanna before you get blamed for anything else.”

    (My cousin looks daggers at me. I am fuming as I take him out of the room, knowing that my grandmother did it on purpose to make my child look bad to my cousin. I head to Mum’s part of the house.)

    Me: “Remind me not to let [Son] go in there anymore. I’m not having him blamed for things he didn’t do.”

    Mum: “What’s wrong?”

    Me:  ”She implied to [Cousin] that [Son] broke the door to the china cabinet and then went on as if I hadn’t paid for the damage.”

    Mum: “What? She broke it herself.”

    Me: “Yes, before both of my kids were even born.”

    Little Lovecraftians

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Friends, Godparents & Godchildren

    (I’m at Friend #1′s house playing a board game, when their three-year-old son, my godson, starts pointing at the pieces. We’re all huge nerds.)

    Godson: “What’s that?”

    (The piece is a sea monster called the Krakenoid.)

    Friend #1: “He’s kind of like Cthulhu. Do you know who Cthulhu is?”

    Friend #2: “If he doesn’t, that’s really your fault.”

    Friend #1: “Can you say ‘Cthulhu,’ [Godson]?”

    Godson: “No.”

    Friend #2: “That’s probably wise.”

    A Good (Pro)State To Be In

    | Dubuque, IA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I tend to Google things when I’m bored. I’ve been eating a lot of cauliflower lately, so I go to that Wikipedia article. I’m female.)

    Me: “Hey, mom, apparently cauliflower helps with preventing prostate cancer.”

    Mom: “You don’t have a prostate.”

    Me: “See? It’s working already!”

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