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  • Relatives Are Relative
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  • Hasn’t Got A Powerful Drive

    | Fresh Meadows, NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I just recently helped my father purchase a new laptop. He calls me in this morning to ask a question.)

    Dad: “Can you show me how to open the DVD drive again?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (His laptop has a button on the DVD tray that needs to be pressed to open. I assume it is in sleep mode and push the button while folded. Nothing. I showed my father how to use the DVD drive the day we got it and he did use it so I assume he has a DVD in there already. I remind him of the button to open it. I then lift the screen and notice something peculiar…)

    Me: “Is the power on?”

    Dad: “No. Should it be?”

    Me: “Yeah.”

    Dad: “Then I guess that is why it isn’t opening…”

    Not Leaving Behind A Good Legacy

    | ON, Canada | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m male, an only child, and have just introduced my boyfriend to my parents for the first time. While my parents have always been very accepting of my sexuality, this is the first time it’s become ‘real.’)

    Dad: “Well, he seems like a nice kid.”

    Me: “Yeah. Thanks for being so nice. I’m glad you’re okay with me dating a guy.”

    Dad: “Why wouldn’t we be? We’ve never had a problem with gays or lesbians. Why would we start now? We have gay friends!”

    Me: “I don’t know. I figured it might be different when it’s your own son. Lots of parents are upset that they might not get grandchildren.”

    Dad: *laughs* “Oh, don’t worry about that. If you decide you want kids someday, there’s ways, but we don’t need grandchildren to be happy.”

    Me: “Really? I think you’re the first father to say something like that to his son.”

    Dad: “Actually, your mom and I never understood why people are so obsessed with their ‘genetic legacy.’ The idea that you need to create the next generation for your life to have meaning is a bit self-centered and creepy, if you ask me. Your mom’s the same way. Heck, the only reason we had you is by accident!”

    Me: *stunned* “Um…”

    Dad: *realizes what he just said* “Uh, well… Yeah. You know we love you more than anything, and we’re very proud of you. It’s just that we never really wanted to have any kids, you know?”

    Me: “…”

    Dad: “That didn’t sound any better, did it?”

    Me: “Not really.”

    This Family Has Gone To The Dogs

    | Tulsa, OK, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I just came home from work. It had just rained earlier and the ground is still fairly muddy. My roommate is outside with all three of our dogs plus her one-year-old son, and my whole property is surrounded by a chain link fence. As I get out of the car this happens:)

    Me: *looks at all the dogs plus the kid, realizing that they’re all really dirty at this point* “You realize all four puppies are going to need a bath tonight, right?”

    Roommate: “Four?! But we only have three dogs!”

    (Without missing a beat the kid drops down to all fours, looks up at his mother.)

    Kid: “Woof Woof!”

    (It took me five minutes to stop laughing.)

    Always Second Best

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (My divorce was several years in the past, and I bring my fiancé to meet my parents at Christmas.)

    Mother: “[Fiancé]?”

    Fiancé: “Yes?”

    Mother:“I just want you to know … I mean, [My Name]’s father and I want you to know…”

    Fiancé: “Yes?”

    Mother: “We just want you to know how much we miss [My Name]’s first husband!”

    Fiancé: *blank silence*

    Not In The Best Moo-d

    | CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My dad has called me to ask if I need anything from the store. He’s a little hard of hearing.)

    Dad: “I’m on my way to the store. Do you need anything?”

    Me: “Yes. Get me some milk.”

    Dad: “What?”

    Me: *louder* “Milk!”

    Dad: “WHAT? I CANT HEAR YOU!”

    Me: “MILK! MOO JUICE!”

    Complaining About All Walks Of Life

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My brother and I are hanging out in the living room with my mother nearby in the kitchen. I’m playing a video game on my laptop. In the game I had the character walk from one town to the other which took me a little while.)

    Me: “Hold on for a second. I need to go to the bathroom.”

    Brother: “Can I play while you’re gone?”

    Me: “I guess, but don’t get killed. I haven’t been able to save since [Town #1].”

    Brother: “Okay!”

    (I get up to do my business and come back. Sure enough, my brother is sitting there with a sheepish look on his face.)

    Brother: “Um… sorry. I kinda died.”

    Me: *annoyed* “Great, now I have to walk all the way back to [Town #2].”

    (My mother overhears this exchange.)

    Mother: “You’re complaining about walking in a video game? How lazy are you?!”


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