(My five-year-old daughter is arguing with me.)

Daughter: “You know, mom. Sometimes when I argue with you, I forget you’re not an idiot!”

(I have just gotten into anime and manga.)

Me: “I’ve been reading manga, dad. It’s really interesting.”

Dad: “Isn’t that for people who can’t read that well?”

Me: “Actually, you have to be able to read pretty well to follow it.”

(He has the assumption that all manga is about ‘demons and ritual sacrifice’. I’m trying to describe the manga I’ve been reading.)

Me: “So, it’s about two brothers—”

Dad: “Ah ha! And I’ll bet one sacrifices the other!”

Me: “—and they’re trying to bring back their mother through alchemy—”

Dad: “Ah ha! Alchemy! And one sacrifices the other for the mother?”

Me: “No, dad. Anyway, it goes wrong, and one loses his leg while the other loses his body—”

Dad: “See? Sacrifice!”

Me: “—so the remaining brother sacrifices his arm to attach his brother’s soul to some armor—”

Dad: “See? Sacrifice and alchemy!”

(I stop trying to explain.)

(My six-year-old daughter is the last one in her grade to still have all of her baby teeth. )

Daughter: “Mom, am I ever going to lose a tooth?”

Me: “I promise you, you will.”

Daughter: “But WHEN?!”

Me: “I don’t know, but probably soon.”

Daughter: “I think it’s never going to happen. I think all of my teeth have their seatbelts on, and they are tightly fastened!”

(I’m about three years old, and am obsessed with animals. Mammals, fish, birds, insects, I’m obsessed with them all. I add ‘-y’ to the type of animal, i.e. doggy, kitty, birdy, fishy. I’m in the backyard, ‘playing’ with a hornet. The hornet flies away, and I become upset and chase it.)

Me: “Come back, Horny! Horny!”

(25 years later, my mother still bursts into uncontrollable laughter.)

(My sister is home visiting from college, and is playing video games to relax. Suddenly, she hops up.)

Sister: “Oh crap! I have to finish my homework! Can I borrow your laptop for a second?”

Me: “Sure, go ahead.”

Sister: “It’ll literally take two seconds; I only have one question left.”

(My sister signs into the homework website on my laptop.)

Me: *reading* “Assign a name to the chemical using the picture given and the letters A through H.”

Sister: “Ugh, I don’t know this.”

(She smashes the keyboard.)

Sister: “Yeah, that looks right!”

Me: “Umm… You have to use the letters A through H, right?”

Sister: “Yeah?”

Me: “Check what you put.”

Sister: “Oh, God! I put an ‘S’ in there.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Sister: “Thank god I didn’t submit that. I’ll just delete the S; there we go!”

(She submits her homework. I am reading the completion time on her screen.)

Me: “Completion Time… 90 hours?!”

Sister: “Yep! Back to video games!”

(Scarily enough, my sister is passing the class.)