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    Warp Factor Golden Brown

    | AZ, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m visiting my mother and her fiancé. I’m eating breakfast, while they’re both browsing the Internet.)

    Mom’s Fiancé: “I found the toaster I want.”

    (Points to the glass toaster on his computer screen. Said toaster is made by Bugatti, a company better known for its fast sports cars.)

    Me: “That must be one fast toaster. I wonder if you get speeding tickets using it?”

    Mom’s Fiancé: “That toaster is so fast, Kirk would no longer say, ‘Warp six, Mr. Sulu.’ He’d say, ‘Toast, Mr. Sulu.’ ”

    Me: “But that makes it sound like you’re going to put Sulu in the toaster!”

    Mom’s Fiancé: “Eh. He’s not a red shirt, he’ll be okay.”

    Me: “Yeah, but then he’d be red all over!”

    Mom: *laughing* “This is a weird conversation.”

    Me: “This is an awesome conversation!”

    Penny Dropped From A Great Height

    | Springfield, VA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My dad has a tendency to tell jokes at the expense of others. My sister, being incredibly gullible and not the brightest bulb in the box, is a frequent target.)

    Dad: *holding two fingers near one of my sister’s ears, looks through the other ear*  “Yup! I see two of them. Definitely two.”

    Sister: “Huh? What are you talking about? I don’t get it.”

    (Three days later, we’re at the dinner table, and my sister suddenly jerks completely upright.)

    Sister: “Hey!” *smacks Dad’s arm* “That wasn’t funny!”

    Dad: *genuinely confused, since he hadn’t said anything* “What wasn’t funny?”

    Sister: “That thing, with the fingers, and looking through my ears… That wasn’t funny, Dad!”

    (All of us sit there blinking for a few seconds until we realize it really had taken her that long to get it. Then we burst out laughing.)

    Sister: “Stop that! It isn’t funny!”

    Me: “No, it wasn’t. But it is now!”

    Go Put It On The Settee (Alpha Five)

    | Jerusalem, Israel | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (My three-year-old daughter is helping me put together the bag of things my wife will need at the hospital when she gives birth. In Hebrew, the word ‘kahn’ means ‘here.’)

    Me: *handing my daughter a pair of socks* “Go put this on the dining room table.”

    Daughter: “Where should I put it? Kahn? Or kahn?”

    Me & Wife: *simultaneously* “Kaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhn!”

    Looking For That Great White Romance

    | USA | Pets & Animals, Siblings

    (My older brother, my dad, and I are all sitting in the living room watching ‘Sharknado’ because we are really bored. Some girl gets eaten by a shark and my brother slams his hand down on the sofa.)

    Brother: “Story of my life!”

    Me: “What?”

    Brother: “Every time! Every time I meet a pretty girl, she gets eaten by sharks!”

    Must Be Wet Behind The Ears

    | IL, USA | Parents & Guardians

    Me: “Mom! I can’t get this stupid hair dryer to work!”

    (Mom came over, sighed, and plugged it in.)

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