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    You Ruin All My Very Specific Fun

    | CA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    Mom: “I’m going to take a nap.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Mom: “So no yelling!”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Mom: “And no eating cookies while standing on your head!

    Me: “Dangit! Mom, now what am I supposed to do for fun?!”

    Kids Say Monstrous Things

    | Horseheads, NY, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My fiancé and I are getting our four-year-old ready for bed, and as I’m giving him a hug and kiss for the night this conversation happens.)

    Me: “Do you think mommy is pretty?”

    Son: “Yeah, mommy is real pretty.”

    Fiancé: “Well, is daddy pretty?”

    Son: “No, daddy is a monster!”

    Fiancé: “Well, is daddy a handsome monster?”

    Son: “No, daddy is a bad guy monster and ugly!”

    Not Using The Grey Matter

    | Scotland, UK | Children, Sons & Daughters

    13-Year-Old Daughter: “Mum, when you were younger was everything black and white just like in the films?”

    Getting The Thong Idea, Part 3

    | WA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m bored sitting at home with my family. While sitting, I realize I forgot to put my laundry in the dryer, so I get it and start talking with a fake French accent. I am a guy.)

    Me: “Ugh, I forgot to mon lingerie dans ze dryer.”

    Dad: “I didn’t know you wore lingerie?”


    Getting The Thong Idea, Part 2
    Getting The Thong Idea

    Don’t Get Smart With Me

    | KS, USA | Siblings, Spouses & Partners

    (My brunette wife has two college degrees and is probably one of the smartest women I know, but even she has her blonde moments. We’ve recently moved and I warn her that the propane is out at the old house and so the heater won’t be on when she goes over to finish getting odds and ends out. We’re planning to do some work on it before we put it on the market.)

    Wife: “Honey, that’s dangerous. What if there’s a leak? The whole house could explode.”

    (I look at my brother who is sitting at the table with us.)

    Me: “Wait for it…”

    Wife: *whacks herself on the head* “Oh crap. If we are out, then there is nothing to leak. Next time, marry a smart woman.”

    Brother: “Nah, she wouldn’t have him.”

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