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    Caught Napping

    | UT, USA | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m on the phone with my husband, who is on his way home from work. He usually calls to let me know he’s coming home and to talk to our six-month-old son.)

    Husband: “Hey, can I talk to [Son]?”

    Me: “He’s sleeping. Sorry.”

    Husband: “What?”

    Me: “Yeah, he needed to get one more nap in before bedtime.”

    Husband: “My wife, I wanted to talk to him! I wasn’t gonna call you because I’d be home in ten minutes, and could talk to you then, but I called so I could talk to [Son]!”

    Gone With The Wind, Part 2

    | Lexington, KY, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m suffering from gassy build-up, but for some reason, can’t let it out. I’m beginning to become incredibly bloated uncomfortable.)

    Me: “What am I gonna do about this?”

    Mom: “Well, I would say take some baking soda with water, but I don’t think we have any in the house.”

    Me: “I have to do something. I can’t take this much longer.”

    Mom: “Well, there is one thing your grandmother used to have us do whenever that happened to me or your uncles. Try massaging the lower part of your back.”

    (I try that, and after about a minute, I proceed to fart continuously, and rather loudly, for nearly 45 seconds straight!)

    Me: “Hey! You’re right! It worked!”

    (That was the only time in my life that I have ever heard my mother laugh at anything related to flatulence.)

    Related:
    Gone With The Wind

    How To Know That Everything Is Awesome

    | Carmel, IN, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My dad, sister, and I are in the living room and my sister has decided to share a comment she’d read in a review of a recently released chick flick.)

    Sister: “…and it says that even though it’s a crappy remake, it’s still a better date movie than The Lego Movie.”

    Dad: “Ugh! What idiot would take a woman on a date to something like The Lego Movie?”

    Me: “Are you kidding? That’ll be how I know I’ve got a keeper!”

    Digging A Hole For Yourself

    | Norfolk, England, UK | Parents & Guardians

    (I am about four years old and have been playing up.)

    Mum: “If you don’t behave I’m going to lock you in the cellar.”

    Me: *pause* “We don’t have a cellar.”

    Mum: *in tones of great menace* “Well, I’ll dig one…”

    (This became an oft repeated threat throughout my childhood.)

    Giving Each Other A Raw Deal

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Parents & Guardians

    Me: “So I heard that [Aunt] was starting that new raw food diet.”

    Mom: “Sounds like the perfect diet for her.”

    Me: “How so?”

    Mom: “She doesn’t cook, and here you don’t have to.”


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