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  • An Especially Gifted Pet

    | Conyers, GA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (I am 12. We have just taken in a stray Siamese cat my dad found outside of the doctor’s office. Around Christmas, my parents have already bought a couple of gifts, which the cat in question has torn into.)

    Me: “Ah, I see I’m getting a leather-working kit!”

    Mom: “No, you’re not. How do you know you’re getting one?”

    Me: “[Cat] tore it open.”

    Mom: *goes into her bedroom, shuts the door, and rewraps the present*

    (Fast-forward to next Christmas season. [Cat] has taken to knocking the tree down.)

    Mom: *coming home from work* “[My Name], why is the tree down on the floor?”

    Me: “[Cat] must have knocked it down during the day.”

    Mom: “Well, let’s get it back up. You know, it’s okay for you to put it back up if it’s down when you get home from school.”

    Me: “Okay, mama.”

    (This goes on for a few more days. Right after Christmas and before New Year’s, we take the tree down and put it back in the box. Then, a year later:)

    Mom: “[My Name], do you want to put the tree up again this year?”

    Me: “Only if you want put it back up every time [Cat] knocks it down again.”

    Mom: “I see your point.”

    (It would be 20 years before we would put a tree up in the house again. Unfortunately during that time, [Cat] became really sick and was euthanized. Even after his passing, we opted to never put up the tree, for fearing one of the other cats, especially the new Siamese we adopted, would do the exact same thing.)

    Definitely On The Naughty List

    | DE, USA | Children, Cousins, Grandparents, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (It is Christmas Eve at my grandparent’s. Everyone is excited and misbehaving.)

    Cousin: “YAY! SANTA COMES TONIGHT! TONIGHT!” *runs wildly up stairs*

    Me: *attempts to do cartwheel and steals chocolate from ‘off limits’ candy dish*

    Great Aunt: “HERE COMES THE CHRISTMAS TICKLE MONSTER!” *proceeds to chase both of us through the kitchen, where my annoyed grandma is trying to cook*

    Grandma: “If all of you don’t knock it off I’m giving EVERYONE a spanking and putting them in time-out, INCLUDING MY SISTER!”

    (The entire family freezes and starts laughing at the idea of our grandma spanking our great-aunt.)

    Dad: “OH, MOM! That sounds so… wrong!”

    Grandma: “What? What did I say?

    (I don’t think she ever figured it out.)

    The Book Has Come To The End Of Its Life

    | OH, USA | Grandparents, Theme Of The Month

    (My family has gathered for Thanksgiving. As the evening progresses we started to discuss our Christmas lists.)

    Grandma: “I think I need a new address book.”

    Grandpa: “We already have one, dear.”

    Grandma: “Yes, but lots of the people in it are dead now, and that makes it very inefficient to use!”

    Santa Versus The Global Recession

    | IL, USA | Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s Christmas time and I suddenly realize that my youngest sister hasn’t been to see Santa this year. I grab a duffel bag from my closet, put on a red vest, and since I can’t find a Santa hat, put on my silver wig from Halloween. I throw some things in the bag and go to the living room.)

    Me: “Ho! Ho! Ho! I am [My Name] Claus!”

    15-Year-Old Sister: “You got presents? I want presents!”

    Me: *to 11-Year-Old sister* “Come here, little girl, and tell me what you want for Christmas!”

    ([11-Year-Old Sister] looks at me like I’m insane but sits down anyway.)

    11-Year-Old Sister: “Um, I want Little Pony.”

    Me: “And…”

    11-Year-Old Sister: “And a 3DS [Gameboy].”

    Me: “Well, [My Name] Claus can’t give you that.” *reaches into bag* “But here’s a copy of Overboard starring Goldie Hawn on VHS! And a packet of oatmeal, part of this complete breakfast!”

    ([11-Year-Old Sister] starts exaggerated fake crying.)

    15-Year-Old Sister: “Yeah. You can keep those.”

    Me: “Merry Christmas!”

    11-Year-Old Sister: *throws oatmeal packet at my head*

    Santa Frauds

    | Hampshire, England, UK | Children, Siblings, Sons & Daughters, Theme Of The Month

    (My youngest sister is four years old. I am visiting home to deliver Christmas presents for my large family. My youngest sister has found a small length of cardboard and started flailing it as if shooting a gun.)

    Mum: “What are you doing, [Sister’s Name]?”

    Sister: *gesturing to the three Advent calendars with Santa on them* “One of those Santas is an imposter!”

    Waiting For A Christmas Miracle

    | Norway | Sons & Daughters, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Mum, what do you want for Christmas?”

    Mum: “Good children.”

    Brother: “We’re all in our 20s, so that ship has sailed.”


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