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    Playing Truant With The Truth

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia |

    (We are visiting my grandparents in a small country town. Dad and I have gone over to an aunt’s place who lives in the same town. She has a visitor.)

    Dad: *to me* “That man is a truant officer. He takes bad kids away. You have to be good or he will take you away if you are not.”

    (I spend the rest of the visit in fear, staying outside, keeping quiet and trying to stay hidden for a couple of hours. I am too young to walk back to my grandparents’ on my own. Years later I relate the story to my father.)

    Dad: “I don’t remember it.”

    Me: “You told me that the man would take me away if I was bad. I was traumatised”

    Dad:  ”Were you good?”

    Me: “Yes! I was too afraid to be bad. I stayed hidden most of the time, even changing hiding spots when I heard him coming out the back.”

    Dad:  ”Haha, I should have used that one more often. I think that was my cousin. He wasn’t a truant officer.”

    Don’t Play With Imaginary Fire

    | TN, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (Our stepmom often calls when my sister and I are home alone to check up on us or ask us to do some chores. I decide to have some fun with it the next time she calls.)

    Me: *picks up phone* “OH, MY GOD! PUT OUT THE FIRE! PUT IT OUT!”

    Sister: *screams and runs around*

    Me: *into the phone* “Hello?”

    Stepmom: *laughing* “You do realize that now if there is actually a fire I won’t believe you, right?”

    Torturing The Artist

    | TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I have recently graduated from college with my Associate of Arts degree. This happens right after I have opened the envelope containing my diploma.)

    Me: *showing off my diploma* “Hey, you know how some people call themselves ‘Doctor So-and-So, Ph.D’ and all? From now on, you can call me ‘[My Name], A.A.’!”

    (My mother is silent for a few moments, and then bursts out laughing.)

    Mom: “I didn’t know you drank! What do you need Alcoholic Anonymous for?! ‘[My Name], Alcoholic Anonymous’!”

    Me: “See, this is why I can’t have nice things.”

    (I still can’t mention my accomplishment to anyone while my mother is in the room without her going into a fit of laughter.)

    Don’t Let Go Or It’s Bingo

    | New Haven, CT, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m trying to move a heavy mattress down with the help of my mother. She’s at the bottom holding it while I’m at the top guiding it.)

    Mom: “Be VERY careful.”

    Me: “All right… OH, NO!”

    (My grip on the mattress slips, and it slides down the stairs with my mom underneath it. The mattress smacks her right into the wall. I’m afraid mom’s hurt, but she just gets out from under the mattress and gets her purse.)

    Mom: “That’s it.”

    Me: “Where are you going?”

    Mom: *near the front door* “I’m going to Bingo.”

    April Foolish

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am a 16-year-old junior in high school. I moved in with my dad and step-mother about three months before, and as I suffer from social anxiety have not made any friends in my new school. As such, I tend to spend more time with my step-mother, since she is the only one I have to talk to and bounce ideas off of. Also note that she is EXTREMELY superstitious.)

    Me: *helping her fold laundry* “I’d like to do something funny to Dad and [Little Brother] for April Fools’ Day. I just don’t know what I could do that wouldn’t make a huge mess or anything.”

    Step-Mother: “Well, you should be careful what you joke about. One year for April Fools’ Day, I told everyone I had [serious medical condition] and a couple months later I was diagnosed with it. Now I’ll never have my own babies. So, just keep that in mind. Be very careful. You don’t want to ruin your future like I did.”

    Me: “Uh, sure. I’ll be careful.”

    (I say this only to appease her, since I’m not the least bit superstitious.)

    Me: “So, I guess I could always do something to their computers if you could—”

    Step-Mother: “OH! Oh, you should tell everyone you’re pregnant! With TWINS!”

    Me: *gawking* “Uh, weren’t you just telling me I should be careful what I joke about—”

    Step-Mother: “You can even bring that nice boy you were talking about home and say he’s the father!

    Me: “Uh… no. No, I think I’ll just… switch the sugar with salt or something.” *hurriedly changes the subject*

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