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    Doth Protest Too Much

    | PA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters, Teenagers

    (I am an incredibly shy teen, but can be very expressive around my family and close friends. I also have a deep passion for literature, especially Shakespeare. I am talking with my mom about how happy I am with my Christmas gifts.)

    Me: “I really love the Shakespeare plays you and dad gave me. Thanks a lot!”

    Mom: “You know, you should join that local theater group that puts on Shakespeare plays. You’ve got a real love for Shakespeare and a great talent for acting.”

    Me: “Absolutely not! There’s no WAY I’m going to act in front of crowds of people! That is literally my worst nightmare! Not to mention I’ve failed the few auditions I’ve been forced to try due to stage fright!”

    Mom: “But you are good at acting! You can really get into character when you try.”

    Me: *speaking very emphatically while making large, dramatic gestures* “NO! I CAN’T ACT!”

    Mom: *laughs hysterically*

    Me: “What’s so—” *realizing how dramatic I just was* “Oh, crud.”


    | AB, Canada | Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (My nephew is four years old. I bought him a Batman mask for Christmas, and he’s been wearing it and asking for things in a low, gravelly voice.)

    Mom: “Alright, it’s bath time.”

    Nephew: “Batman doesn’t like bath time.”

    Mom: “Well, Batman stinks, so he’s getting in the tub.”

    Nephew: “…Batman doesn’t like you.”

    Saints And Sinners And Zombie Killers

    | LA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My sister and I are watching ‘Blade II.’ My dad walks into the living room at the moment when Scud makes his first appearance.)

    Dad: “Ol’ Daryl Dixon.”

    Sister & Me: *in unison* “His name is Norman Reedus.”

    Dad: “But he’s still Daryl.”

    Me: “But his name is really Norman.”

    Sister: “Before he was a zombie slayer, he was a vampire hunter.”

    Dad: “No, he was a familiar.”

    Me: “Yeah, but he helped Blade hunt vampires, too. And before he was a vampire hunter, he was a saint.”

    Dad: “What?”

    Sister: “Norman is in The Boondock Saints. That movie we can never get you to watch.”

    Me: *nodding* “He’s Murphy McManus.”

    Dad: *shakes his head* “You two are obsessed.”

    Keeping The Spot Spotless

    | VA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom gets up from her seat for a minute and I take it. As such, she sits next to me with her legs over me as a seatbelt. I have been sick lately.)

    Me: “Mom! Get up! I’m squished!”

    Mom: “No! You stole my spot, you’ll keep it!”

    Me: “Mom! Please!”

    Mom: “No! I am never letting you up!”

    Me: “I’m gonna be sick!”

    Mom: “Up you go!”

    Stripping Down The Work Force

    | Parkersburg, WV, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My older sister has recently graduated from college.)

    Mom: “You’ll need some work clothes once you get a job. Actually, you might get a job where you won’t need special clothes.”

    Me: “You might get a job where you don’t need clothes!”

    (My sister, mom, and I burst into laughter while my dad begins to look flustered.)

    Dad: “Well, at least use a fake name!”

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