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    It’s Hard For Mom To Get Choked Up About It

    | BC, Canada | Parents & Guardians

    (Our deck is accessed from the kitchen, and is where my mum likes to sit to have a cigarette. I’m fixing breakfast for myself when a sip of water goes down the wrong pipe and I start coughing.)

    Mum: *pokes her head inside* “Are you coughing? Are you getting a cold?”

    Me: *between coughs* “No, Mum, I’m just choking on water.”

    Mum: “Oh, okay. That’s much better!”

    (She went back outside to finish her cigarette while I continued to cough.)

    Mothering And Sistering

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My older sister and I don’t get along because we’re so different. She is loud and I am quiet. My mom is always trying to get us to talk more.)

    Mom: “Go talk to your sister!”

    Me: “No, I don’t want to.”

    Mom: “She is your only sister!”

    Me: “And when have YOU talked to your sister?”

    (My mom’s sister and my mom are also very different. My mom is quiet and her sister is loud.)

    Mom: “I- I talk to her sometimes!”

    Me: “No, you don’t! Maybe once a year.”

    Mom: “Well, she lives in a different country!”

    Me: “You could email her or IM. Emails don’t cost anything.”

    Mom: “Just go and talk to your sister, all right?” *stomps off*

    (Later I saw her on the phone with her sister, so I said hi to mine. Fair’s fair.)

    He Is In Otherwise Good Standing

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Siblings

    (I’m visiting home from college. Both of my brothers have already graduated, and the younger one now has his own apartment. We’re at our parents’ house watching a movie. During the course of the movie, my younger brother has wrapped himself in a blanket and slid slowly to the floor. When the movie ends, he looks at me and raises his arms.)

    Me: “Seriously?”

    Brother: “Standing up is haaaard.”

    Me: “You’re 24 years old.”

    Brother: *looks at me pleadingly*

    Me: “Aren’t you, like, super fitness guy? Don’t you complain when you go on 8-hour mountain hikes and other people can’t keep up?”

    Brother: “Yeah, but that’s different.”

    Me: “You live alone. How do you get out of bed in the morning? Do you just have a pull-up bar over the bed?”

    Brother: “No, don’t be ridiculous. It’s gymnastic rings. I get up, go straight into my awesome ring routine, stick the landing, and it’s a cheery start to my day.”

    Me: “…”

    (I helped him up.)

    Mother Is Quaking With Fear

    | VA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I just moved out of my parents’ house and I haven’t delivered my bed to my new place, so I am sleeping on the floor on an airbed. All the sudden, I feel a ‘roll’ underneath me. It is coming from the ground. Earthquakes are extremely rare in Virginia, so I figure it is someone outside is doing construction and the vibrations are from the jackhammer or whatever. I roll over and go back to sleep. When I wake, I have over twenty messages from Mom. I call her.)

    Me: “Mom, are you okay?”

    Mom: *hysterical* “DID YOU FEEL THE EARTHQUAKE TODAY?!”

    Me: “Oh, is that what it was? I thought it was construction or something.”

    Mom: “How can you be so nonchalant?! First you move out, then this happens!”

    (I tried to convince her that it was a coincidence, but she didn’t listen. Probably when my younger sibling moves out, if an earthquake happens again, she’ll blame me.)

    Wish He Would Shuttapahisface

    | NJ, USA | Siblings

    (My brother, as part of the ‘college experience,’ took a trip to Italy for a week. I found this strange, because he didn’t speak a word of Italian and never showed any interest in the culture; it turns out the island he visited is a notorious party spot that he described as ‘the hottest Spring Break party, but all summer long.’ This conversation happens after he gets back and gets over the hangover and jet lag.)

    Me: “So, how was the trip after all?”

    Brother: “Oh, it was great, except for the locals.”

    Me: “Ah, let me guess: they didn’t appreciate a bunch of American kids coming in and trashing the place?”

    Brother: “Huh? No, they loved us; probably made a fortune! Just that none of them spoke English!”

    Me: “…Really? Italians, in Italy, on a remote island, didn’t speak English?”

    Brother: “I know. Weird, huh?”

    Me: “Oh, my god, you’re serious. Why are you even in college, again?”

    No One Can Bug You Like A Mother, Part 2

    | Broussard, LA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am the author of “No One Can Bug You Like A Mother” . I’ve slain yet another roach, this time by spraying it to death. The corpse is located just in front of my toilet, and once again, I’m too scared to dispose of the corpse. And once again, when I post about it on Facebook, my mother has a solution.)

    Mom: “Just drop a big wad of wet paper towels over it, then stomp on the paper towels, then scoop it all up into a Ziploc. Then seal the Ziploc, put it in the trash, seal up the trash bag, take the trash bag out into the yard, douse it with gasoline, and set it on fire. Ta-daa, problem solved.”

    Related:
    No One Can Bug You Like A Mother


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