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    Putting The Eating Into Beating Sadness

    | Jackson, MS, USA | Siblings

    (My sister’s boyfriend recently joined the army and she hasn’t seen him in several weeks. I happen to find some marshmallow candies on top of the fridge and ask her about them.)

    Me: “Hey, [Sister], are these yours?”

    Sister: “Yeah. [Boyfriend] gave them to me before he left but I haven’t eaten them because they make me sad. I miss him.”

    Me: “Can I eat your sadness?”

    Just Burst Their Own Bubble

    | IL, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My dad and I are watching TV together. An infomercial comes on for a kid’s sand product that supposedly doesn’t dry out or leave a mess.)

    Me: “I wonder how they get it to do that. Do you think it’s like a density thing?”

    Dad: “I think they probably put some sort of petroleum in it.”

    Me: “Oh, okay!”

    (A couple minutes later, an ad comes on for bubbles you can hold and bounce with special gloves.)

    Dad: “Now this one I don’t understand.”

    Me: “I think it might be something about distributing the contact so the surface tension isn’t broken?”

    Dad: “I could see that.”

    Me: “… We’re nerds, aren’t we?”

    This Game Has Gone To The Dogs

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (I am with my step mom and her son. We are playing Monopoly, and I am about seven years old. I am excited, because I want to be the dog token, and my step-brother, who is about six, wants to be the hat.)

    Me: “I want to be the dog!”

    Brother: “I wanna be the hat!”

    (Step Mom comes out of the kitchen.)

    Step Mom: “I want to be the dog.”

    Brother: “[My Name] is already the dog!”

    Step Mom: “I don’t care what she is. I am ALWAYS the dog.”

    (She then takes the dog piece, and throws a fit when we try to reason with her about being logical and fair. After the game that she won, my brother and I go upstairs. He starts to laugh uncontrollably.)

    Me: “What?”

    Brother: “She’s the dog because she’s a b****!”

    A Big Baby Booboo, Part 2

    | Canada | Aunts & Uncles, Grandparents

    Aunt: “I’m not feeling very well. I feel so bloated.”

    Grandma: “Have you tried going to the bathroom?”

    Aunt: “Yes. I’m constipated.”

    Grandma: “Drink some beer. The carbonation will help you get the gas out.”

    (My aunt drinks the beer, and tells my grandma that she doesn’t feel any better after.)

    Grandma: “I have some medicine if you want it.”

    Aunt: “Okay.” *takes the pills*

    (Afterwards, she still feels sick.)

    Grandma: “Maybe a massage will help.”

    (My grandma starts rubbing my aunt’s stomach.)

    Grandma: “Better?”

    Aunt: “No.”

    Grandma: *massages harder* “Now?”

    Aunt: “No.”

    Grandma: “Maybe I should step on it.”

    (My grandma starts walking on my aunt’s stomach.)

    Aunt: “I still don’t feel any better. I think I’ll see a doctor later.”

    Grandma: “You should. I think you’re really coming down with something.”

    (My aunt books an appointment to see a doctor a couple days later. After an examination, the doctor figures out what is wrong with my aunt.)

    Aunt: “What’s the bad news?”

    Doctor: “No bad news at all! You’re pregnant!”

    (As a side note, I’d like to say that the baby turned out perfectly fine and healthy!)

    Related:
    A Big Baby Booboo

    No Longer White As A Sheet

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Nephews & Nieces

    (We are telling ghost stories. My older niece wants to know if I had ever seen one. My youngest niece assures me that it won’t scare her.)

    Me: “Yes. When I was little I woke up to see a white figure standing in my room and another time there was a shadow man standing in my doorway. I thought it was Dad coming to wake me up so I jumped out of bed and started talking to him. But when I looked again he was gone.”

    (A few days later my nieces were staying at my parent’s house. Dad gets up at 4 am for work; he dresses in the dark so not to wake anyone. He’s in the process of putting on a white shirt when youngest niece sleepily wanders into the room and lets out a blood curdling scream. Dad lets out a scream, waking the whole house. When they settle down, they ask niece what was wrong.)

    Niece: “I thought you were a ghost.”

    (When I see Dad later…)

    Dad: “You and your d*** ghost stories. [Niece] nearly gave me a heart attack. I swear I lost 10 years off my life. Lucky for you I had only just been to the toilet!”

    Me: “Why lucky for me?”

    Dad: “I would have made you scrub my undies with your bare hands.”


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