(I’ve called my brother to wish him a happy birthday, then passed the phone to our three-year-old niece.)

Niece: “Hi, uncle [name]! Happy birthday! We’re watching a movie with auntie.”

(There is a pause, and then she points at the TV.)

Niece: “This one.”

(There is another pause, and she slips off the couch and walks right up to the TV.)

Niece: “ THIS ONE!”

(She then grabs the movie case, and holds it over her head.)

Niece: “ THIIIIISSSSS OOONNNNNNEEE!”

Me: “Sweetie, if you can’t see uncle, then he can’t see you.”

(She slowly looks around the room, then speaks calmly.)

Niece: “Oh! We’re watching Muppets.”

(I am in college but still live at home. I am writing a psychology paper about homelessness.)

Me: “Save me!”

Dad: “From what?”

Me: “Homelessness!”

Dad: “I thought that is what we were already doing.”

Related:
Putting The Rent In Parent

(My five-year-old daughter is arguing with me.)

Daughter: “You know, mom. Sometimes when I argue with you, I forget you’re not an idiot!”

(I have just gotten into anime and manga.)

Me: “I’ve been reading manga, dad. It’s really interesting.”

Dad: “Isn’t that for people who can’t read that well?”

Me: “Actually, you have to be able to read pretty well to follow it.”

(He has the assumption that all manga is about ‘demons and ritual sacrifice’. I’m trying to describe the manga I’ve been reading.)

Me: “So, it’s about two brothers—”

Dad: “Ah ha! And I’ll bet one sacrifices the other!”

Me: “—and they’re trying to bring back their mother through alchemy—”

Dad: “Ah ha! Alchemy! And one sacrifices the other for the mother?”

Me: “No, dad. Anyway, it goes wrong, and one loses his leg while the other loses his body—”

Dad: “See? Sacrifice!”

Me: “—so the remaining brother sacrifices his arm to attach his brother’s soul to some armor—”

Dad: “See? Sacrifice and alchemy!”

(I stop trying to explain.)

(My six-year-old daughter is the last one in her grade to still have all of her baby teeth. )

Daughter: “Mom, am I ever going to lose a tooth?”

Me: “I promise you, you will.”

Daughter: “But WHEN?!”

Me: “I don’t know, but probably soon.”

Daughter: “I think it’s never going to happen. I think all of my teeth have their seatbelts on, and they are tightly fastened!”