(I am about four years old, and my first goldfish has died. My parents have flushed it, and assume I am unaware of it.)

Me: “Mommy, where did my goldfish go?”

Mom: “He went to Heaven.”

Me: “Through the toilet?”

(My friend, my sister and I are babysitting my sister and her sister-in-law’s kids. We find that it helps to keep them busy by making up stories. There is a little paper box sitting on the table, and to keep them from opening it we tell them that is where we keep my friend’s soul. A couple of weeks pass by.)

Youngest Niece: “Hey Booboo, look at this box!”

(Note: “Booboo” is what my nieces call my mom.)

Mom: “Aw, it’s so cute… what’s in it?” *proceeds to open box*

Youngest Niece: *starts crying* “Nooo! Gina’s soul was in there!”

Mom: “What?!”

(I’m at home when the phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Mum: “What are you doing there?”

Me: “I live here, Mum.”

Mum: “But I dialled [my brother's] number.”

Me: “No, you dialled mine.”

Mum: “Are you sure?”

Me: *looks around* “Let’s see. Messy room, two small kids, hubby watching sports. Yes, definitely my house.”

Mum: “Well, I don’t need to talk to you today.” *hangs up*

Me: “Oooookaaay.”

Husband: “That was your mum, wasn’t it?”

Me: “Yes.”

Husband: “Still nuttier than squirrel poo, then?”

Me: “Yes.”

(I am a pre-teen voracious reader, and have a huge vocabulary. However, don’t always understand common phrases, or I break them down to get an incorrect meaning. She is on the phone with a friend describing someone she knows.)

Mom: *on phone to friend* “She’s just so anal retentive!”

Me: *to my mom* “She’s… constipated?”

(My four year old is trying to do a cartwheel in our living room, and she’s very excited because she can almost do it.)

Daughter: “Daddy! Daddy! Did you see what I did? Watch!”

Husband: *not really watching* “Okay, honey. What did you did?”

(She stands up and puts her hands on her hips.)

Daughter: “It’s what did you do, daddy. We speak proper English in this house!”