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  • November Theme Of The Month: Thanksgiving!

    Lactose And Glucose And Gluten, Oh My!

    | NC, USA | Aunts & Uncles

    (I’m at the grocery store when I bump into my great-aunt. It’s been a couple months since we last talked.)

    Great-Aunt: *gestures to the bread in my basket* “So, you’re still doing the glucose thing?”

    Me: “Uh, what do you mean?”

    Great-Aunt: “The bread and milk thing. The glucose intolerance.”

    Me: “I’m lactose intolerant, if that’s what you mean. That’s just milk, though.”

    Great-Aunt: “Oh! What is glucose, then?

    Me: “Sugar, as in ‘blood sugar.’ I thought you were asking if I was diabetic!”

    (We share a laugh.)

    Great-Aunt: “But seriously, what’s the thing with the bread called? The intolerance?”

    Me: “That’s gluten, not glucose.”

    Mom Has An Axe To Grind

    | PA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (While on a quick trip to the grocery store, my cousin randomly decides to spray me with some body spray while we’re in the personal hygiene aisle. When my family all meets back at the car…)

    Mom: “Okay, which one of you smells like a douchebag?”

    Treating Mom Like An Answering Machine

    | Columbia, MD, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I swing by the grocery store after work to pick up a few things and overhear this.)

    Two Little Girls: Mom! Mom! Mommy! Moooooooom! Moooooooommmmmyyyyyyyyy! Mom!

    Mother: “Mommy’s not here right now. Leave a message at the beep. Beep!”

    Birds And Bees On Aisle Four

    | Pickering, ON, Canada | Parents & Guardians, Top

    (I’m three years old and my mother is obviously pregnant with my younger brother. We walk into the store to do our shopping when I decide to ask a question in a rather loud voice.)

    Me: “Mommy, how are babies made?”

    (The entire store freezes and goes silent. My mother scrambles to come up with an answer that won’t have her explaining the birds and the bees in the middle of a public place.)

    Mom: “Oh, [My Name], don’t be silly. Babies aren’t made; they’re born!”

    (I’m content with that answer and the whole store breathes a collective sigh of relief.)

    Customer: “Good answer.”

    A Testing Set Of Circumstances

    | Metarie, LA, USA | Siblings

    (My sister and I are taking a special exam and have arrived at the office early. Since we have lots of time before our appointments, we go to the grocery store across the street to get a snack. As we start to cross the parking lot, I realize I left something in the car, so I go back to get it. I return and start to cross to where my sister is waiting. I make sure to look both ways for cars, but then a truck comes careening around the corner and completely blows through the parking lot, not even stopping for the crosswalk. I have to jump back and barely avoid getting hit. My sister is understandably concerned when I join her.)

    Sister: “Oh, my goodness, [My Name], are you okay??”

    Me: “Yeah, thanks. Man, I would have been so mad if he had hit me, though; do you know how long I’ve been studying for this test?”

    Sister: “…I think you’re worrying about the wrong thing.”

    Me: “I would have wasted the past month studying for a test I never had to take! Do you know how disappointed I would be?”

    Sister: *facepalm*

    (And yes, I did pass my test!)

    Breathe A Sigh Of Relief

    | Oshawa, ON Canada | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I’m out on a grocery run with my step-mother and younger step-sister, getting last minute things for a road trip our parents are planning on taking. My step-mother steps away to grab something in the health care area, where there is also a convenience counter that sells things like lottery tickets and cigarettes.)

    Step-Mother: *comes back with a small box that looks like a cigarette pack*

    Me: “I didn’t know you smoked!”

    Step-Mother: “What?!”

    (I gesture to the package she’s brought. She laughs and shows me they’re actually medical breathing strips for people who snore.)

    Me: “Oh, my god, they look just like a cigarette pack from a distance!”

    StepMother: “That definitely wouldn’t have helped me at night!”

    Step-Sister: “At least they both have something to do with breathing problems…”