Breathe A Sigh Of Relief

| Oshawa, ON Canada | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(I’m out on a grocery run with my step-mother and younger step-sister, getting last minute things for a road trip our parents are planning on taking. My step-mother steps away to grab something in the health care area, where there is also a convenience counter that sells things like lottery tickets and cigarettes.)

Step-Mother: *comes back with a small box that looks like a cigarette pack*

Me: “I didn’t know you smoked!”

Step-Mother: “What?!”

(I gesture to the package she’s brought. She laughs and shows me they’re actually medical breathing strips for people who snore.)

Me: “Oh, my god, they look just like a cigarette pack from a distance!”

Step-Mother: “That definitely wouldn’t have helped me at night!”

Step-Sister: “At least they both have something to do with breathing problems…”

Won’t Let Her Live Down Ancient History

| Denver, CO, USA | Children, Grandchildren

(My daughter is about five years old and we have gone to see my grandmother. On the way home we stop at the store and are in the cold aisle looking for something to eat at dinner. It is just her, me, and my brother. My daughter looks around then suddenly comes to me looking up while tugging on the bottom of my shirt. She can be a bit loud when she talks.)

Daughter: “Mommy… know what?”

Me: “What, hun?”

Daughter: *her voice rising with every word* “I love gamma sooo much! I love gamma cuz she’s ancient!”

(Heads whipped around including some very elderly old ladies. Luckily they were smiling. We didn’t let my daughter live this down and she’s almost 18!)

Herbivorous And Hilarious

| IA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I am no older than three or four. Like many young boys, I am absolutely enthralled with dinosaurs. Mom and Dad have me in the grocery cart’s seat.)

Dad: “Hang tight, bud. I’m going to get something over here while your mom gets her stuff.”

(Dad looks away from me for about a minute, and just as he turns around my Mom is rounding the corner from another aisle.)

Dad: “[My Name]! What are you doing?!”

(Cue picture of a young me, arms behind my back, face-first in the biggest broccoli stalk I could find and munching away with no hands!)

Me: “Dad, it’s okay! I’m a leaf-eating dinosaur!”

Dad: “Ooohhh… Okay…” *picks up broccoli*

(Mom tried not to lose it and had to leave the aisle again so she could crack up in peace.)

Should Have Gone For Tutti Fruits Of The Holy Spirit

| IN, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My mom grew up in a fairly religious home, and although she doesn’t go to church any more she’s still religious. I’m a bit of an agnostic. We’ve stopped at a small, independent grocery store for ice cream before I pick up my kids and go home.)

Me: “I’d like some mint chocolate chip, but I don’t see it in [Brand].”

Mom: “Well, how about this one? They have it in [Brand].”

Me: “Yeah, I guess…” *sees price* “Jesus Christ!”

Mom: “Watch your mouth!” *whacks my arm*

Me: “I think even Jesus would be upset at $7 for a pint of ice cream!”

Causing A National Stink

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Children, Parents & Guardians

(My cousin and I are grocery shopping at our local store. We pass a family in the cheese section. My cousin is wearing a shirt advertising a Quebecois festival, as we are Quebecois.)

Child: “Mommy, why does this cheese stink so much?”

Mother: “Sometimes cheese has to sit for a long time and it gets smelly, sweety.”

Father: “Uggh. The French stink.”

Cousin: “He better have been referring to the cheese.”

Time To Put Selfishness On Hold

| Houston, TX, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

(I am standing behind a couple in line at Walmart. The woman is holding their baby in one arm, and is struggling to work the credit card swiping machine with the one free hand she has. Her husband stands there oblivious to her struggles while looking at his cell phone.)

Wife: “Could you take him, please? I’m trying to swipe my card and I need you to hold him real fast.”

Husband: *rolls eyes and goes back to using his phone*

Wife: *raising her voice* “I held this baby for nine months; you can hold him for nine seconds!”

Husband: *looking awkward and embarrassed, takes baby*

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