(I’m at the store with my aunt, who is stubborn about using newer technology. I only have a few items, so I’m using self checkout.)

Aunt: “What are you doing over here? I’ve already put my stuff on the belt at the next register!”

(This register has three other people in line, all with many items.)

Me: “It’s okay; I’ll probably be done before you are anyway.”

(I resume scanning my items, while my aunt watches. When I’m done, I give the machine a $20 bill. It instructs me to take my change. My aunt’s eyebrows shoot up to the top of her forehead as she gasps.)

Aunt: “It gives you your change?! So… it’s like a vending machine… for GROCERIES?!”

Me: “Uh… yeah. I suppose.”

(My aunt rushes back to her old register, which has barely moved. All the people are staring at her. She brings her items over to me.)

Aunt: “DO MINE NEXT! I WANT TO USE THE GROCERY VENDING MACHINE!”

Me: “…I can’t take you anywhere…”

(My dad and I are discussing the movie ‘Hotel Transylvania’.)

Me: “It was really nice, because it was about a father-daughter relationship. You see a lot of father-son, or mother-daughter. But not really father-daughter. And you never see mother-son movies.”

Dad: “Well… there’s Psycho.”

(I usually drive my mother around because she is very sick. I am always with her, but when we get to where we are going, she usually wanders off. She has a few memory problems, so the best way to find her is to use our family whistle, which is distinctive and easy to recognize. I was shopping with my mother, when I realize my she’s wandered off again. I start whistling immediately. I hear a return whistle and head towards it. I whistle, she whistles back, but she’s apparently moving around. I’ve now passed the same stock-boy three times and he stops what he’s doing the fourth time.)

Stock Boy: “I think she went that way.”

Me: “Wait, so she went past here?”

Stock Boy: “Yeah. Twice now.”

Me: *dead seriously* “If she comes this way again, keep her here.”

Stock Boy: “Uh…”

Me: “Just offer her chocolate or something.”

Stock Boy: “Yeah. Sure thing… I guess…”

(I follow the whistles around the store another five minutes and end up in that same aisle, where my mother is now standing with the stock boy.)

Me: “Ah-ha! Thank you.”

Mom: “So, where’s the chocolate?”

Me: “There’s no chocolate. Just a really frustrated daughter.”

Mom: *stares at me a minute, then looks betrayed* “I was lured into standing still under false pretenses! How dare you make me be reasonable with false chocolate! It’s a conspiracy!”

(At this point I seriously have to chase her down and promise to actually get her chocolate if she won’t wander off again.)

(Once in awhile, I pick my 9-year-old cousin up from her school and take her out to run errands and go out to eat. We run to the grocery store near my home so I can buy new shampoo and conditioner. I had already taken a shower and had used my younger sister’s. My sister has really frizzy hair that she keeps under control with product.)

9-year-old Cousin: “Why are you buying that?”

Me: “Because I ran out of shampoo and conditioner.”

9-year-old Cousin: “But you took a shower today.”

Me: “I used my sister’s shampoo.”

9-year-old Cousin: “Why can’t you keep using hers?”

Me: “Because it’s not good for my hair, which is why I’m buying this kind.”

9-year-old Cousin: “Well, obviously it’s not good for your hair if that’s what hers looks like!”

(I am bringing my 4-year-old daughter along with me to the grocery store. Right now, I’m telling her that we cannot get anything extra because we’re on a tight budget.)

Me: “Okay, sweetie, what are we buying today?”

Daughter: “Only food we need, mom.”

Me: “And what are we not buying?”

Daughter: “BEER!”

(She then happily skips off while I’m laughing uncontrollably.)