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  • Stupid For Not Trying
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  • Birds And Bees On Aisle Four

    | Pickering, ON, Canada | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m three years old and my mother is obviously pregnant with my younger brother. We walk into the store to do our shopping when I decide to ask a question in a rather loud voice.)

    Me: “Mommy, how are babies made?”

    (The entire store freezes and goes silent. My mother scrambles to come up with an answer that won’t have her explaining the birds and the bees in the middle of a public place.)

    Mom: “Oh, [My Name], don’t be silly. Babies aren’t made; they’re born!”

    (I’m content with that answer and the whole store breathes a collective sigh of relief.)

    Customer: “Good answer.”

    A Testing Set Of Circumstances

    | Metarie, LA, USA | Siblings

    (My sister and I are taking a special exam and have arrived at the office early. Since we have lots of time before our appointments, we go to the grocery store across the street to get a snack. As we start to cross the parking lot, I realize I left something in the car, so I go back to get it. I return and start to cross to where my sister is waiting. I make sure to look both ways for cars, but then a truck comes careening around the corner and completely blows through the parking lot, not even stopping for the crosswalk. I have to jump back and barely avoid getting hit. My sister is understandably concerned when I join her.)

    Sister: “Oh, my goodness, [My Name], are you okay??”

    Me: “Yeah, thanks. Man, I would have been so mad if he had hit me, though; do you know how long I’ve been studying for this test?”

    Sister: “…I think you’re worrying about the wrong thing.”

    Me: “I would have wasted the past month studying for a test I never had to take! Do you know how disappointed I would be?”

    Sister: *facepalm*

    (And yes, I did pass my test!)

    Breathe A Sigh Of Relief

    | Oshawa, ON Canada | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I’m out on a grocery run with my step-mother and younger step-sister, getting last minute things for a road trip our parents are planning on taking. My step-mother steps away to grab something in the health care area, where there is also a convenience counter that sells things like lottery tickets and cigarettes.)

    Step-Mother: *comes back with a small box that looks like a cigarette pack*

    Me: “I didn’t know you smoked!”

    Step-Mother: “What?!”

    (I gesture to the package she’s brought. She laughs and shows me they’re actually medical breathing strips for people who snore.)

    Me: “Oh, my god, they look just like a cigarette pack from a distance!”

    Step-Mother: “That definitely wouldn’t have helped me at night!”

    Step-Sister: “At least they both have something to do with breathing problems…”

    Won’t Let Her Live Down Ancient History

    | Denver, CO, USA | Children, Grandchildren

    (My daughter is about five years old and we have gone to see my grandmother. On the way home we stop at the store and are in the cold aisle looking for something to eat at dinner. It is just her, me, and my brother. My daughter looks around then suddenly comes to me looking up while tugging on the bottom of my shirt. She can be a bit loud when she talks.)

    Daughter: “Mommy… know what?”

    Me: “What, hun?”

    Daughter: *her voice rising with every word* “I love gamma sooo much! I love gamma cuz she’s ancient!”

    (Heads whipped around including some very elderly old ladies. Luckily they were smiling. We didn’t let my daughter live this down and she’s almost 18!)

    Herbivorous And Hilarious

    | IA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am no older than three or four. Like many young boys, I am absolutely enthralled with dinosaurs. Mom and Dad have me in the grocery cart’s seat.)

    Dad: “Hang tight, bud. I’m going to get something over here while your mom gets her stuff.”

    (Dad looks away from me for about a minute, and just as he turns around my Mom is rounding the corner from another aisle.)

    Dad: “[My Name]! What are you doing?!”

    (Cue picture of a young me, arms behind my back, face-first in the biggest broccoli stalk I could find and munching away with no hands!)

    Me: “Dad, it’s okay! I’m a leaf-eating dinosaur!”

    Dad: “Ooohhh… Okay…” *picks up broccoli*

    (Mom tried not to lose it and had to leave the aisle again so she could crack up in peace.)

    Should Have Gone For Tutti Fruits Of The Holy Spirit

    | IN, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom grew up in a fairly religious home, and although she doesn’t go to church any more she’s still religious. I’m a bit of an agnostic. We’ve stopped at a small, independent grocery store for ice cream before I pick up my kids and go home.)

    Me: “I’d like some mint chocolate chip, but I don’t see it in [Brand].”

    Mom: “Well, how about this one? They have it in [Brand].”

    Me: “Yeah, I guess…” *sees price* “Jesus Christ!”

    Mom: “Watch your mouth!” *whacks my arm*

    Me: “I think even Jesus would be upset at $7 for a pint of ice cream!”

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