(At my family reunion, I am really nervous. I am coming out to everyone on my dad’s side of the family, plus having them meet my girlfriend, all at the same time. Upon meeting my girlfriend, this is what my grandma says…)

Grandma: “It’s like having another granddaughter, except you were easier because we didn’t have to birth you!”

(I love my family.)

(One of my sisters arrives for a family birthday celebration. Her fiancé is a good sport, but a bit out of his element among my sarcastic siblings. He is wearing a t-shirt with the phrase ‘I’m here! What are your other two wishes?’)

Me: *to him* “Your shirt is defective.”

Sister’s Fiancé: “Why?”

Me: “I didn’t get my other two wishes. First off, I didn’t win the lottery.”

Sister’s Fiancé: “What about the other wish?”

Me: “You’re still here…”

(The guest bed in my grandmother’s house is notoriously uncomfortable. Since guests are only there a couple nights at a time, no one has ever complained. The frame has been broken and squeaky for years. This past month, my aunt finally said something and my grandmother got a new frame and box spring for the room.)

Grandmother: *to my mother* “You just slept on that for Thanksgiving! Why didn’t you say anything?”

Mother: “Well, it’s only for a few nights.”

Grandmother: “How do you even sleep with the bed squeaking so loud?”

Mother: “It’s not like we are squeaking the bed much at our age.”

Grandmother: “…Well, that’s too bad.”

(It’s been over a decade since my mother’s kids have all been in the same room at once. My younger siblings and I don’t really get on well with the older generation siblings, split by over a decade age gap, but we’re trying for mom’s sake.)

Baby Sister: “I’m getting more soda. Anyone want anything?”

Older Sister: “I’ll have some too.”

(I can see my baby sister take out the bottle from the fridge, but there is only enough for one. She checks the pantry, and comes up empty handed.)

Baby Sister: “Not enough for a full glass for each of us. I can split it, or if you’d like something else?”

Older Sister: “You get something else. I want soda.”

Me: “Not how that works. There are plenty of juices, eggnog, or wine if you’d prefer?”

Older Sister: “No! I’m older, I get my way first.”

(I roll my eyes as the older sister gets up to go snatch the drink from the baby sister, who is patiently waiting for the alternative drink order. The older sister tends to be very pushy because she’s a head taller than the rest of us. Baby sister, however, is the strongest.)

Older Sister: “Gimme!”

Baby Sister: “Um… no.”

Older Brother: “Just choose something else!”

Older Sister: “Have to teach these girls manners!”

(I watch as the older sister—in her thirties—tries to be intimidating, but baby sister—in her teens—calmly reaches up and presses a spot on older sister’s collarbone. My older sister falls like a mass of jelly to the ground, like the gravity has been turned off.)

Me: *to my baby sister* “What the heck, Spock?!”

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From NotAlwaysRomantic
She Hit A Nerve Pinch

(It’s Thanksgiving, and I’m seeing my youngest cousins for the first time since they were babies. To break the ice, we’re talking about the only topic I have in common with 4 and 7 year olds, ‘My Little Pony’.)

Me: “Okay, so since you’re wild and crazy, and your favorite pony is Fluttershy, your pony name will be… umm… Nuttershy!”

(They laugh uproariously at this.)

Older cousin: “My favorite pony is Rainbow Dash! Can my pony name be Sonic Rainboom?”

Me: “Okay! Nice! Now only I need a pony name, hmmm…”

Younger cousin: “Your favorite pony is Pinkie Pie, and you have like a million cats, so your name will be Pussy Pie!”

Me: “Uh…”

Cousins: “Come on, Pussy Pie! Let’s go write a letter to Princess Celestia and let her know we’ve all made new friends today!”