(My mom and I are driving home. We pass the lottery.)

Me: “Did you know that lotteries and giveaways are illegal in Canada?”

Mom: “Makes sense; they attract all the wrong kinds of people.”

Me: “Yeah, they’re required to include a skill test of sorts. Almost like a simple math problem.”

Mom: “Canada is a special little country…”

(I am American and speak English with my nine-year-old daughter. She has asked me to teach her the Star Spangled Banner.)

Me: *singing* “What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming.”

Daughter: “This is really hard. I don’t understand what half of the words mean!”

Me: “Do you know what ‘twilight’ means?”

Daughter: “Vampires?”

Related:
In The Twilight Of Their Youth, Part 4
In The Twilight Of Their Youth, Part 3
In The Twilight Of Their Youth, Part 2 (From Not Always Romantic)
In The Twilight Of Their Youth (From Not Always Right)

(My seven-year-old brother, my father, my father’s girlfriend, and I are all in the car. The topic of sexism, racism, and homophobia in superhero comics comes up in conversation.)

Me: “I love comics, but it sucks that there are so few gay heroes mainstream. The Green Lantern is pretty much the only one.”

Dad’s Girlfriend: “Wasn’t he different in the movie?”

Me: “Yeah, they played him as hetero to get more customers.”

Dad’s Girlfriend: Yeah, the mainstream media is like that, huh?”

Me: “It’s played up in the comics, but down in the movie—still, it’s surprising that there’s a gay superhero at all.”

Brother: “The Green Lantern isn’t the only one.”

Me: “Wait, who else?”

Brother: “There’s always Batman and Robin.”

(My car needs to be taken to the dealer for some repairs. My mom has some errands to do, and I’m not sure where the dealer is. We decide that I will follow her to the dealer, and then go with her while she runs her errands. Not even half way there, my mother blows through a yellow light and leaves me behind. I call her cellphone.)

Mom: “Hello?”

Me: “Mom, what the heck? Why did you do that?”

Mom: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “You left me behind at a light!”

Mom: “Wait, where are you?!”

Me: “In my car!”

Mom: “Oh, I forgot you were following me. For a second I thought you were here in the car and calling me from the back seat.”

Me: “Are you serious?!”

(My family and I are on a road trip. My younger brother is sitting directly behind me, playing Minecraft. He is narrating his every move in the game aloud to all of us. My parents are usually very strict on refusing to let us fight and tease one another, but even they are just about at their wits’ end with the game narration.)

Brother: “Again!? There’s a stupid brainless zombie behind me!”

Me: “Oh, what a coincidence! There’s one behind me, too!”

(I didn’t hear another word about Minecraft for the rest of the drive; my parents never said anything about it either.)