• I Smell A New Train Of Thought
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  • August's Theme Of The Month: Best. Family Member. Ever!

    Taking Distraction Action

    | Dubuque, IA, USA | Siblings

    (My sister lost her wallet earlier, and is understandably upset. I’m taking her to go look for it, and offer to buy her a taco to help calm her down. On the road again, I reach in the bag for one of my burritos, and pull out her taco. I look over at her.)

    Me: “[Sister]! You’re eating my burrito!”

    Sister: *looks down and realizes she has in fact eaten half my burrito* “I didn’t notice!”

    Me: “How can you not notice that! It’s completely different from a taco!”

    Sister: “I have no idea.”

    (We did find her wallet later, and she apologized again for eating most of my burrito, saying that she was a little distracted at the time!)

    The Driver From U.N.C.L.E.

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My family and several sets of aunts/uncles/cousins are in California for a family reunion. One of my uncles is an infamously bad driver — his wife had been terrified of driving, but was convinced to get a license herself because she was afraid he would get into an accident and kill her children. One morning, we have all agreed to meet up at the nursing home where my grandmother lives.)

    Dad: *pointing to a car in front of us that’s driving really badly* “I bet that’s your uncle!”

    (The car parks, badly, in front of the nursing home, and the driver gets out.)

    Me: “Wait, that… Oh, my god, that actually IS [Uncle].”

    (This happened three separate times during that trip.)

    Getting Ballsy With Anatomy

    | KS, USA | Siblings

    (My older brother and I are riding together to meet our parents for dinner. I am whining about being too shy to ask if I can go on a cross-state trip with just one of my friends. Both my friend and I are female and my parents are overprotective.)

    Brother: “You should just go and apologize later. Grow some balls!”

    Me: “But, I’m a girl.”

    Brother: “Well, grow some lady-balls.”

    Me: “Lady-balls? So, like, ovaries? Pretty sure I’ve got those already.”

    On The Long Drive To Mordor

    | TX, USA | Parents & Guardians, Teenagers

    Me: “Okay, everyone, time for a restroom break…”

    Teen Daughter: “But Mom, I don’t need to.”

    Me: “[Teen Daughter], this is a long trip and I don’t want to be stopping every time someone needs to go. If we all go at the same time, our bladders will be synced up.”

    Teen Daughter: “Mom, I don’t feel the need!”

    Me: “I don’t care. In the words of Gandalf, ‘You shall PISS!'”

    Mom Is All Fired Up About It

    | Norway | Parents & Guardians

    (At an earlier occasion I have mentioned to my mom that I will probably want to be cremated when I die. The following happens as we drive past a crematorium.)

    Mom: *pointing* “That is where you will burn one day!”

    Putting Down The Ritz

    | Natchitoches, LA, USA | Children, Siblings, Sons & Daughters

    (My mom, my aunt, my sister, my cousin’s two-year-old daughter, and I are headed grocery shopping. The toddler is eating Ritz Bits and offers some to my sister.)

    Toddler: *to my sister as she gives her a Ritz* “Mm! Yum!”

    Sister: *smiles and puts the cracker in her mouth* “Thank you!”

    Toddler: *to me as she tries to shove a Ritz into my mouth* “Yum!”

    Me: *pushing it away* “No, thank you. I don’t want one.”

    (The little one doesn’t want to take no for an answer so she shoves the cracker down my tank top, straight into my cleavage, then pats my chest.)

    Me: “What the—”

    Toddler: *smiling* “For later!”

    (We all burst into laughter. My aunt has no clue where her granddaughter picked up that idea!)

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