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  • They’re Out Of The Danger Zone
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  • July's Theme Of The Month: Stuck In The Car!

    Applying Death Rays To Good Names

    | Easton, PA, USA | Siblings

    (I’m talking to my sister in the car. Somehow the conversation came to what hilariously horrible names we would give our kids if we had them. It’s well known that my sister and I don’t actually like or want kids.)

    Sister: “You know, I think Chlorine actually sounds like a good name for a girl.”

    Me: “Chlorine? You’d name your kid after a deadly chemical that they pour in pool water?”

    Sister: “Okay, so what would you name your kids?”

    Me: “I’m going to marry a guy whose last name is Ray and I’d name our kid Laser. His middle name will be Death.”

    Sister: “‘Laser Death Ray’? And you dare to mock the name Chlorine?”

    Mom: “Are either of you even going to have kids?”

    Me: “Of course. Just remember that if you turn on the news one day and see a woman who looks exactly like me taking a baby from the maternity ward, it’s totally not me!”

    The Ambulance Will Just Have To Wait

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My son has just turned three and he is getting to the phase where he likes diggers and buses and firetrucks. He sees an off-duty ambulance parked near an intersection we are stopped at.)

    Son: “Mama! Mama!”

    Me: “What is it?”

    Son: “Firetruck!”

    Me: *it takes a minute to process what he is pointing at* “Oh, you are close. That one is an ambulance. Can you say ambulance?”

    Son: *trying the word out* “Am-boo… Am-booo…”!

    Me: “That’s right. Ambulance.”

    Son: “Amboo… Amba…” *gives up and says with determination* “No… firetruck!” *nods like he’s proud of himself*

    (My partner and I almost missed the light, we were laughing so hard.)

    The Nightmare Before Church

    | CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom and I are on our way home from grocery shopping. The topic of religion comes up.)

    Me: “I never really understood whatever they were teaching in those Sunday lesson things. Like, what is this? What’s that? Who are these people? All I know is God, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

    Mom: *singing to the tune of ‘What’s This?’* “What’s this? What’s this?”

    Me: *singing along* “What’s this? What’s this? There’s Jesus everywhere.”

    Boobs That Can Win Battles

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (To preface, I have naturally large breasts. They are so large I have to special order my bras online and due to recent bad weather my package has been delayed twice. I’m annoyed at this point and complaining to my mom about it.)

    Mom: “Aww, your slingshots aren’t coming today?”

    Me: “Mom, you can’t really call them slingshots. With boobs this big they’re more like trebuchet.”

    Made In Tian

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My mom, I, and my sister are all driving home from shopping. ‘Heaven is a Place on Earth’ comes on the radio.)

    Mom:Heaven is a place on Earth, huh? Where’s it at, then?”

    Sister: “Probably China; that’s where they manufacture everything.”

    My Crumbling Family Relationship

    | IN, USA | Cousins

    (My husband and I have spent the day in a city an hour away from home. The morning was at a gun and knife show, and the afternoon was at a mall. My cousin lives in this city and I am texting her as we head home.)

    Me: *sending her a picture of my new 9mm* “Oh, I also got this today. Not at the mall, obviously.”

    Cousin: “[My Name], YOU WENT TO A GUN SHOW IN [TOWN] AND DIDN’T TELL ME?!”

    Me: “…Yes?”

    Cousin: “[MY NAME]!”

    Me: “Should I make cookies?”

    Cousin: “Yeah, that’ll work. I’ll let you know next time I’m in [My Town].”

    (Sometimes I’m pretty sure cookies are the only reason my family keeps me around!)


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