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    Getting Goosebumps For Real

    | CA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My third grader is telling her friend about the Goosebumps series books she’s reading.)

    Daughter: “It’s called The Whore at Camp Jellyjam.”

    Me: “What!?”

    Daughter:The Whore at Camp Jellyjam.”

    Me: “No, wait. The whore?”

    Daughter: “Yes, whore.”

    Me: “Umm, can you spell it?”

    Daughter: “J-E-L-L…”

    Me: “No, spell whore.”

    Daughter: “H-O-R-R-O-R.”

    Me: “Oh!”

    (I breathed a sigh of relief, and followed with a pronunciation lecture.)

    Will Never Make Contact

    | France | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (We are in my parent’s car, on vacation. My dad spots a girl waving at my brother. I’m 12 years old.)

    Dad: “Hey, [Brother], there is a girl waving at you!”

    Brother: “Where? Is she cute? I’m not wearing my contact lenses.”

    Me: “She probably isn’t either.”

    Periodically Unsettling

    | FL, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My wife is a middle school teacher, and our daughter is just finishing up first grade.)

    Daughter: “Mommy, can I go to your school when I start having periods?”

    Mom: “… Um … What?”

    Daughter: “Periods. You know. Like math, science, art. With different teachers.”

    Mom: “OOOOOH. We’ll see, sweetie.”

    Acting Juvenile

    | AZ, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My husband has just finished buckling our three-year-old into his car seat when we hear him shout to no one in particular.)

    Three-year-Old: “I can’t go back to jail!”

    Spite And Bite The Finger In Your Face

    | LA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Top

    (I have to glance up about every five minutes when reading in the car or I get car-sick. My older brother has stretched his arm across our younger sister and has his finger positioned so that it is right in my face when I glance up.)

    Sister: “Stop it, [Brother]! Get your arm out of my face!”

    Me: *as I start reading again* “Get your hand out of my face.”

    Brother: “My hand’s not in your face! It’s free air!”

    Mom: “Cut it out, [Brother], or I’m going to duct tape your arms to your sides.”

    (He drops his arm but as soon as I glance up again he puts his finger in my face so I lurch forward and bite it.)

    Brother: *yelps* “OW! OW! Mama! [My name] is biting me! She’s gonna bite my finger off!”

    (I clamp down harder for good measure then let go.)

    Brother: *incredulous* “You were just gonna let her bite it off!?”

    Dad: “If that’s what it takes to make you stop antagonizing your sister, yes.”


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