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    A Hellish Soda

    | TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

    Me: *opens a bottle of soda and it makes a noise like a sneeze*

    Dad: “Bless you.”

    Me: “I didn’t sneeze, Dad. It was just my soda.”

    Dad: “Oh… Well, then, to Hell with you.”

    Extinction Does Indeed Stink

    | Denver, CO, USA | Grandparents

    (I am about four, riding with my grandma as we pass an animal shelter.)

    Grandma: “So what do you want for your birthday?”

    Me: “A unicorn!”

    Grandma: “Oh, honey. I think unicorns are extinct.”

    Me: “That’s okay, Grandma. I’ll give it a bath!”

    The Cold Truth

    | PA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom never turns on her car’s heater. She smokes, and always keeps her window partway down because she doesn’t like smoking in a car with closed windows. We’re out late one frigid day. I’m cold, but trying not to show it. She notices anyway.)

    Mom: “What is it? Are you cold?”

    Me: “Don’t be silly. It’s freezing out, the heater’s off, and your window is down. Why would I be cold?”

    A Different Kind Of Baby Blues

    | USA | Siblings

    (We are driving down the highway while listening to the radio. A song comes on about a guy who is trying to find his ‘baby,’ or girl, again. During it, my sister says this little gem.)

    Sister: “Did he look in the crib?”

    Bridge Over Troubled Pronunciation

    | PA, USA | Siblings

    (My brother is about eight.)

    Mom: “So what music do you want to listen to next?”

    Brother: “Simon and Garf**kle… oops.”

    (We didn’t stop laughing the rest of the car ride.)

    These Tortillas Are To Die For

    | Austin, TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom is driving. We have just picked up food from Casa Garcías, a well known Mexican restaurant chain.)

    Me: *talking about something*

    Mom: *brakes suddenly because of idiots in front of us*

    Me: *instinctively dives towards my feet to catch the tortillas that almost fell out of the to-go bag*

    Mom: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “The tortillas were gonna fall.”

    Mom: “[My Name], you could’ve seriously injured your head on the dashboard. Or if we hit those jerks, the air bag would’ve exploded and you would’ve died! The tortillas are not worth losing your life.”

    Me: “But, Mom! It’s Casa Garcías tortillas!”

    Mom: “I don’t care!”

    Me: “That’d be an interesting headline, though… ’21-year-old dies to save tortillas.'”

    (My dad got a kick out of it.)


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