May's Theme Of The Month: Movie Mayhem!

All Sexed Out

| MD, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I am six years old and have a habit of reading anything put in front of me. I am in the car with my mother when she places a doctor’s form in my lap. I take it and read it.)

Me: “Mom, what’s sex?”

Mom: “Oh! Well it’s when—” *cue ‘The Talk’ in absolute completion* “And that is where babies come from.”

Me: “Um, Mommy… I just wanted to know what it means on the form… It says ‘F’ or ‘M.'”

Stop Trying Our Patience

| WA, USA | Cousins, Grandparents

(My cousin is driving our elderly grandmother to an appointment and since there is no other traffic, decides to see if he can get a rise out of her. He speeds up, then comes to a screeching halt at a stop sign.

Grandma: “Quit driving like a maniac!”

Cousin: “I was just following directions; see, it says S-T-O-P. That stands for ‘Squeal Tires On Pavement.'”

Grandma: “It does NOT! It stands for ‘Stop Teasing Old People!'”

Going STRAIGHT For Your LEFT Arm

| NC, USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians

(I’m driving my car, with my best friend. We’re headed to the mall to waste some time before I have to go pick my mom up from work and take her to the dealership to pick up her car. I’m telling my friend about my morning. Also relevant: previously I’ve told my friend about how frustrating my mom could be when she was teaching me to drive.)

Me: “So, when I went to the doctor to adjust my meds, they wanted some bloodwork and a flu shot.”

Friend: “Ugh!”

Me: “Yeah, and whenever I get a flu shot, everybody feels the need to clap my on the left shoulder, so I got it in the right side this time. Had the same problem when I got my birth control implant. Mom noticed I was favoring that arm and kept squeezing it!”

(Fast forward to driving my mom to get her car: she’s in the front passenger seat, and my friend is sitting in the back.)

Mom: “Yeah, so you’ll want to go straight through this light. Oh! If you turn left here, that’s how I used to go back when I lived on [Street]!”

Me: “So, do you want me to turn or not?”

Mom: “No, no. It’s just the right way to get over there.”

Me: “I’m hearing ‘get over to turn right,’ Mom.”

Mom: “Ignore me, sweetie. I’m just rambling.” *starts squeezing my right bicep comfortingly*

Me: “Arm! ARM! Flu shot! Changing gears!”

Mom: “Oh crap! I keep doing that, don’t I? *reaches over to start messing with my hair, but catches herself*

(After getting to the dealership in one piece and watching my mom drive off in her car, my friend and I are getting back into my car.)

Friend: “Holy f***. You’d told me your mom was like that, but I thought you were exaggerating!”

Me: “At least she wasn’t on the phone this time. ‘Yeah! No no no, go ahead! I just LEFT the store, going RIGHT home STRAIGHT away!'”

What An Idioot

| VA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m in the car with my dad and we see several customized license plates. He likes to jokingly call people ‘morons’ while driving.)

Dad: “If I ever got a vanity plate I’d probably have it say ‘you moron’ so I could call all the bad drivers morons all the time.”

Me: “How would you spell it to make it fit?”

Dad: “Oh… uh… U-M-O-R-A-N, I guess.”

Me: “Dad, ‘moron’ has two ‘O’s in it.”

Dad: “…So, it’s M-O-O-R-A-N?”

A Different Gear Of Understanding

| Wales, UK | Parents & Guardians

(My parents are driving near Snowdonia, and my mum decides she wants to stop somewhere to take a picture of Snowdon. After a while, my dad tells her to turn left into a car park which she’s already about to pass. She slams the steering wheel over, and manages to get into the carpark where she has the perfect view of Snowdon.)

Dad: “What was that about?”

Mum: “What?”

Dad: “That sudden turn.”

Mum: “You told me to turn up here.”

Dad: “No, I didn’t. What did you think I said?”

Mum: “‘Turn here would be nice.'”

Dad: “No, I said ‘Third gear would be nice.'”

A Very Rice Thing To Say

| NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I am about two or three years old. My mom, dad, and I are visiting a cousin for dinner, and are driving somewhere with her.)

Me: “Thank you for dinner; it was delicious.”

(I then think about my mother’s feelings.)

Me: “But my Mom is a good cook, too.”

Dad: “What does she make that’s so good?”

(I think a little while.)

Me: “She makes very good Rice Krispies.”


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