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    Lack Of Actions Leads To Home Contractions

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (My mum is pregnant with me. My parents don’t have a car, so the emergency plan for labour starting while my dad is at work is for my grandmother to pick up my dad, and then take the both of them to the hospital.)

    Mum: “Mum, it’s happening right now!”

    Grandmother: “I’ll be right there!”

    (More time passes than Mum expects, and the pain is bad. She gets in the shower to try to ease it. My two-year-old brother comes in.)

    Brother: “What are you doing?”

    Mum: “It’s okay, sweetheart; I’m fine.”

    (My brother proceeds to join my mother in the shower, fully clothed. Mum gets both of them out quickly, but is in too much pain to change my brother’s clothes. She calls my grandmother again, but there’s no answer. She goes into the bedroom and tries to breathe. The phone rings.)

    Mum: “[Brother], can you get the phone please?”

    Brother: “Hello? …no, mummy can’t come to the phone.”

    Mum: “Tell them the baby’s coming, [brother].”

    Brother: “She’s in the shower.”

    (The phone rings several more times, and my brother supplies increasingly alarming answers to why mum can’t come to the phone, such as ‘she’s asleep on the kitchen floor’ and ‘she’s dead’. My grandmother FINALLY shows up.)

    Grandmother: “Are you ready to go?”

    Mum: “I’m not going anywhere! The baby’s coming now! What took you so long?!”

    Grandmother: “Well, I had to have a shower, and put makeup on.”

    Mum: “What?!”

    Grandmother: “You need to get to the hospital—”

    Mum: “Not happening; change [brother], he’s soaking wet, and tell [dad] to call an ambulance!”

    (My dad does so, and my grandmother comforts my brother, who, by this stage, has no idea what’s going on and is panicking. My mum sits, legs crossed, on the bed, trying to wait for the ambulance, but she can’t. She stands, gives birth, and catches me. My brother gets away from my grandmother and runs into the room.)


    Grandmother: “Oh, that’s not blood; that’s the baby’s poo. Naughty baby; pooing everywhere.”

    (My mother is in shock, and doesn’t move. The ambulance arrives, and the paramedics cut the cord and get me wrapped up in a blanket.)

    Paramedic #1: “I am AMAZED you managed to catch her!”

    Paramedic #2: “I’m amazed you managed to stay in control at all with all this going on around you! Lucky there were no complications! With the baby, I mean.”

    (Both mum and I come out of the whole thing fine, but my brother spends a year poking his head under toilet doors, asking people what coloured poo they are having, thanks to my grandmother.)

    Everybody Loves Mom

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (Note: I am around six or seven years old, and I’m examining a rack of flowers for a bouquet for Mother’s Day. I need around fourteen dollars for the cheapest one.)

    Me: “$9.00… $9.50… $9.75…”

    (Another gentleman looking at flowers notices me.)

    Gentleman: “Do you have enough?”

    Me: “I’m not sure… is this enough?”

    (I hand him my money, and he smiles, adding a few coins while I’m not looking.)

    Gentleman: “It is now! You pick a nice one for your mum.”

    (I thank him for ‘counting’ my money and pick a bouquet, then go up to the counter to pay.)

    Cashier: “Alright sweetie, that’ll be [amount].”

    Me: *hands her my change*

    Cashier: “I’m sorry, but this isn’t quite enough. You’re a dollar off.”

    Me: “Oh… I’m sorry.”

    (As I start to leave, the cashier calls me back.)

    Cashier: “Wait! Come back here, little lady!

    (She pulls out a twenty from her pocket, pays for the flowers, and hands me back all my money.)

    Cashier: “I think you’ve got it now. Here’s your change! Now, you wait here for a couple minutes. Once I’m done with the gentleman behind you, I’ll help you write out a nice card for your mum and we’ll wrap these flowers for you so she doesn’t see, okay?”

    (My mum loved her flowers, and when I told her what happened she promptly went back and bought an expensive bouquet and some chocolates for the cashier that had helped me! Unfortunately we never saw the gentleman again to thank him.)

    (Editor’s note: Not Always Related wishes you a Happy Mother’s Day!)

    Simple Genderalisation, Part 2

    | MO, USA | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (My mom, stepdad, brother, close friend, and I are at a popular restaurant. I am a transgendered female to male, and my friend is also male. This makes my mom the only woman at the table. Mom is not 100% okay with my transition.)

    Waitress: “Okay, so are we all ready?”

    (We all nod.)

    Waitress: “Sweet! Okay, so ladies first!”

    (She turns to my mom. My mom looks at me.)

    Me: “Well, mom, aren’t you ready to order yet?”

    (My mom blushes.)

    Mom: “Oh , I guess you meant me!”

    (I think that was the first day mom really realized I am not a girl.)

    Simple Genderalisation

    Marrying Into The Fudd Family

    | Bronx, NY, USAUSA | In-Laws, Nephews & Nieces

    (I am visiting with my fiancée’s family. My fiancée’s two-year-old nephew is taking one person at a time by the hand, leading them into his grandmother’s room, playing with them a bit, then coming back out. He’s got a big foam sword he’s carrying around everywhere. Finally it’s my turn.)

    Me: “Oh, I get to go see what’s going on in there now?”

    Nephew: “Yeah!”

    (We go in, but rather than the rampant running around and sword fighting he’s been doing with everyone else, he starts peeking into corners under the bed.)

    Me: “Hey, what are you doing there, buddy?”

    Nephew: “Kiw da wabbit.”

    Me: “Kill the wabbit!? With your speaw and magic hewmet?”

    (His face lights up like the fourth of July, and he starts laughing.)

    Nephew: “Yeah!”

    (He’s being raised on ‘Lord of the Rings’, ‘Conan the Barbarian’ and ‘Legend of Zelda’, and now ‘Looney Tunes’. He’s the nicest, friendliest kid I’ve ever met. He knows not to rough-house with someone who’s ‘unarmed’. I love my new family!)

    Getting A Kick Out Of Being Psychic

    | CA, USA | Siblings

    (My family is scattered around the house at a dinner party, which we will have to leave soon. My brother is sitting in the living room, and my parents are outside. You can enter and exit the living room both from a patio door, and a route around the side of the house.)

    Mom: “Go tell your brother we need to leave.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (I walk over to the patio door, and call to my brother.)

    Me: “We have to go!”

    Brother: “I’ll believe you when our parents say so.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (I tell my mother what he said, and she sends my dad around the side of the house to get him. I return to my brother.)

    Me: “Dad will be coming into the room in 20 seconds.”

    Brother: “Yeah, right.”

    (I see my dad stop at the dessert table first.)

    Me: “And he will be bringing…” *closes eyes and hums* “…brownies. Definitely bringing brownies.”

    Brother: “Pssht.”

    (Dad walks into the living room, holding a brownie.)

    Brother: “WHAT?!”

    Me: “I know…” *widens eyes* “…EVERYTHING.”

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