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    Making His Parents Certifiable

    | Staten Island, NY, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My six-year-old son has skipped school due to a bad cold. Later in the afternoon, when we go to school to pick up his big brother, we are met by my son’s classmates.)

    Classmate: *to my six-year-old son* “Where were you today? Don’t you know you’re the ‘student of the month?'”

    (My son starts grinning evilly.)

    Son: “Wahahaha! Just as I thought! Did you hear that, Mommy? I’m student of the month and I was even absent! Wahahaha! These teachers are so easy!”

    (My son lets out lots of annoying victory laughs all the way home. He started wearing the ‘student of the month’ pin on his chest ever so proudly. Then he made copies of his certificate and posted them all over the apartment: one on every door, another one right in front of the toilet bowl, and another one by the sink just so nobody missed his big news.)

    She Could Do A Lot Verse

    | NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am a single female away at college tidying English. I am friends with my parents on Facebook to keep in touch. Earlier in the day I studied the poetry of John Keats, a 19th century poet, in class.)

    My Status: “Confession: Keats has stolen my heart!”

    Dad: “Who’s this Keats guy?”

    Never Too Young For Parental Guidance

    | Porirua, New Zealand | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (We are sitting at the table eating dinner when my four-year-old son turns to me looking quite concerned.)

    Four-Year-Old: “Mum, I want to be a Dad and have kids, but I don’t know how to make kids.”

    Seven-Year-Old: “Don’t worry; you don’t have to do anything. God just puts the baby in the mummy’s tummy.”

    (My two-year-old is determined to join in the conversation.)

    Two-Year-Old: “When I’m a mum, will I be a kid?”

    Me: “Oh sweetheart, I hope not.”

    Not A Gifted Father

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Top

    (Today is my birthday, while my step-sister’s birthday is a week away. I go over to my father’s house after picking up my step-sister from school. He asks me to stay for dinner, but does not say anything about my birthday. After dinner, my dad comes out with a big wrapped box.)

    Dad: “I could not wait any longer! I had to give the birthday gift to my special girl!”

    (My dad puts the gift in front of my step-sister.)

    Dad: “I know it’s a week away [step-sister], but I could not hold off any longer!”

    (I wait for a while, but my father does not pull out any gifts for me, or even say happy birthday. I am holding back tears the rest of the night. But the next day, my mom and step dad surprised me with ‘Book of Mormon’ tickets! I also had a great birthday dinner with my mom and step-dad’s family. Also a few months later, my dad gets mad that I don’t wish him a happy birthday, and calls me an “awful selfish daughter.” I have since stopped talking to him, and I have a much better life!)

    Treading A Sin Line

    | England, UK | Parents & Guardians

    (My dad is watching a documentary on religion in the middle ages, while I’m sitting at my laptop half-listening to it. At one point, the host begins to explain Heaven and Hell.)

    Me: “Does she really have to explain what Heaven and Hell are?”

    Dad: “Yeah, why not?”

    Me: “Well, I’m sure pretty much everyone already knows what they are, even non-Christians.”

    Dad: “Yeah, but very few people actually believe that stuff.”

    Me: “I… what? I’m pretty sure they do.”

    Dad: “Who?”

    Me: “About one third of the entire planet!”

    The Mother Of All Girlfriends

    | Lexington, KY, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (I’m in my early 20s, and tend to see less of the extended family. I’m with my mother, who at this point, is single, and looks very young for her age. One of my distant uncles has been drinking a bit and notices me.)

    Drunk Uncle: *to my mother* “So, is this your new boyfriend?”

    (Everybody breaks out laughing.)

    Me: “Mom, if you need me, I’ll be in the car… crying.”

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