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    A Tall Story

    | Felton, DE, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I am three years old. My mom runs a day care out of our house. As parents are bringing kids over, Mom tells me I should always say nice things to the other kids’ parents, so they know my mom makes sure they mind their manners. A rather tall and somewhat heavyset woman drops off her children, and I’m clinging to my mother’s pants.)

    Me: “You’ve got pretty eyes; I like your necklace; you’re big!”

    Mom: “[My Name], that’s rude!”

    Me: “But she is big, like daddy!”

    (The woman crouches down to my eye level.)

    Woman: “Do you mean I’m tall like your daddy?”

    Me: “Yeah, big!”

    (It takes a while for my mother to convince me that tall and big are not always the same thing.)

    Cause Of A Pregnant Pause

    | Dover, DE, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (I’m visiting my boyfriend’s family, at the baby-shower for his sister. I hear an exchange between my boyfriend’s aunt and mother.)

    Aunt: “It’s so unfair…”

    Mother: “What’s unfair?”

    Aunt: “[Mother-To-Be] doesn’t get to play!”

    Mother: “She doesn’t have to play…”

    Aunt: “Well, how’s she going to win any prizes if she doesn’t play!?”

    Mother: “[Mother-To-Be] isn’t winning any prizes.”

    Aunt: “Oh that’s horrible! [Mother-To-Be], after this I’m going to take you shopping! That’s just wrong; you not winning any prizes.”

    (My boyfriend’s aunt continues to complain about how the mother-to-be isn’t going to win any prizes, despite being assured that it’s okay by several people, including the mother-to-be. It only stops when my boyfriend’s mother yells loud enough to stop every other conversation in the room.)

    Mother: “[Aunt], her prize is the f****** baby!”

    Adopting A Sense Of Humor, Part 4

    | NY, USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians

    (I am 18. My mother, our neighbor, and I are walking home from a show. I look NOTHING like my mother, and am basically a carbon copy of my dad. We run into a woman our neighbor knows and start to talk to her. Half way through the conversation, she gives my mother and me an odd look.)

    Woman: “How do you two know [Neighbor]?”

    Mom: “We live in the same building.”

    Woman: “Oh… wait, are you two… related?!”

    Me: “Yes, she’s my mom.”

    (The woman gives us another confused look.)

    Mom: “She’s adopted.”

    Me: “NO I’M NOT!”

    Mom: “[My Name], it’s just easier this way…”

    Adopting A Sense Of Humor, Part 3
    Adopting A Sense Of Humor, Part 2
    Adopting A Sense Of Humor

    A Mother’s Condomnation

    | USA | Cousins, Parents & Guardians

    (My 17-year-old cousin has brought her boyfriend to a family party. Most people still think she’s really innocent.)

    Younger Cousin: “If you get pregnant at my school, they kick you out!”

    Cousin: “Well you’re 14. Don’t worry about getting pregnant for another 10 years.”

    My Mom: “How about you?”

    Cousin: “Well… I’m a senior, and then college, so maybe five years?”

    My Sister: “What about me?”

    Cousin: “Absolutely not. Use a condom. They’re [price] for a 12-pack at [Store]. That’s including tax.”

    My Mom: “And how would you know this?”

    Cousin: “Uh…”

    My Mom: “And a 12-pack?”

    Cousin: “Bye!”

    (I hide in my boyfriend’s chest.)

    Boyfriend: “Well… at least we’ll always be prepared?”

    Learning Colorful Language

    | VA, USA | Children, Friends, Sons & Daughters, Top

    (I’m about two years old. My father works in a butcher’s shop with a young black man. He greets me the same way every time I see him, with a fist-bump, and then he says:)

    Father’s Coworker: “Yo, lil’ [n-word], sup?”

    My Mom: “Could you please not teach her that word?”

    Father’s Coworker: “It’s cool, Mrs. J. She’s too young to understand what I’m saying anyway.”

    (We come into the shop another day, and I see my father’s coworker working behind the counter. I begin bouncing in my seat to go see him. My mother ignores me, until I furiously point my fist in his direction and begin indignantly shouting:)

    Me: “[N-word]! [N-word]! [N-word]! [N-word]!”

    (The entire shop glares at my very red-faced mother!)

    Tenticular Tension

    | ON, Canada | Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (I am at the work Christmas party. Everyone is allowed to bring a ‘date’ and also their kids, if they like. One coworker brings his sister who was visiting, and his nephew who is around six years old. We are at a buffet restaurant that specializes in Chinese food. The place is packed. My coworker has a scoop of octopus salad on his plate, and is teasing his nephew with the tentacles.)

    Coworker: “C’mon, try it!”

    Nephew: “NO!”

    Coworker: “I ate it! What are you, chicken?”

    Nephew: “I don’t want to—”

    Coworker: *chicken noises* “Buck buck buck!”

    (The nephew shouts back so that the entire restaurant can hear.)


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