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    Family (Pre)Tensions

    | Appleton, WI, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I’m grocery shopping with my dad.)

    Dad: “Next on the list is spicy picante salsa for your brother.”

    Me: “Well, ‘picante’ is just Spanish for ‘spicy’, so you can just get any kind that says ‘picante.’”

    Dad: “So, when I say ‘spicy picante’, I’m being redundant?”

    Me: “Yeah, pretty much.”

    (We find our way to the salsa aisle.)

    Dad: “Okay… your brother prefers the Pace brand. Is that how it’s pronounced?”

    (He’s saying it like the English word pace, like ‘pace around’.)

    Me: “Um, well, I don’t know how it’s pronounced in Spanish, but in Italian it’s pronounced ‘pa-chay’. It means peace.”

    Dad: “Where did you learn that?”

    Me: “In Italy.”

    (I went to Italy for a school trip in high school. My dad, of course, knew that as he paid for the whole thing.)

    Dad: “Do you have any idea how pretentious you sound?”

    This One Is Worth Writing Down

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I’m a self-published author and use my father for pre-reading since he doesn’t normally read my genre, but will read anything I write. We are watching various DVDs at the weekend. He speaks up during a certain scene in Harry Potter.)

    Dad: *laughs as a scene with an animated paper bird comes up* “You’ll like this.”

    Me: “What?”

    Dad: “I was about to tell you about this really interesting piece of technology they had in a book I read recently where they have this special paper that the characters can write a message on it, and then it turns into a butterfly and vanishes off to find the person the message is for.”

    Me: “You were about to recommend I read my own book?”

    Supermarket Sweep Meets Generation Game

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Children, Grandchildren, Grandparents, Sons & Daughters

    (My coworker has the day off, but she comes to our store anyway to do some shopping. She has brought a young boy with her.)

    Me: “Oh, hey! How’s it going?”

    Coworker: “Oh, not too much. Just taking the kid out for shopping.”

    Me: “Well, that’s nice! So this is your son, eh?”

    Coworker: “Actually, he’s my grandson.”

    (Although my coworker is an older woman, she doesn’t actually look that old. At the very least, she doesn’t look old enough to have grandchildren.)

    Me: “Well, you sure fooled me! You look a lot younger!”

    Coworker: “No, I am that much younger. My son is just an idiot.”

    (Thanks to her brutal honesty, I am nearly dying of laughter.)

    Coworker: “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my grandson. Of course I love my son too, but sometimes he can be such a moron.”

    Tuna Fish Is People

    | WI, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Sons & Daughters

    (My parents have just gone grocery shopping and my mom buys me Pirate’s Booty. It’s an organic- and gluten-free Cheeto like snack that’s flavored with aged white cheddar. I think it tastes awesome, but my sister thinks it tastes like flavorless Cheetos.)

    Sister: “You just like it because of the name. It doesn’t even taste good.”

    Me: “I happen to actually think it’s delicious and, besides, you like tuna and that’s disgusting.”

    Sister: “Tuna’s human.”

    Step Dad: “I think you are thinking of Soylent Green, sweetie.”

    Tooting His Own Horn

    | West Midlands, England, UK | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (My dad is singing to himself in the kitchen, when all of a sudden he stops to break wind loudly.)

    Me: “I don’t think that was part of the original song.”

    Dad: *smiling proudly* “No, that’s the bum note.”

    (I just face-palm. All glory to dad humor!)


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