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    Poo Bear

    | ON, Canada | Children, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (My five-year-old sister is talking to our mother.)

    Sister: “I like it when my sister calls me ‘C-Bear’.”

    Mother: “I’m glad.”

    Sister: “It’s funny. I call her ‘Kristie-Bear’. I’ll call you ‘Mommy-Bear’, because you’re my Mommy.”

    Mother: “Okay.”

    Sister: “And I’ll call Daddy ‘Farty-Bear’, because he farts a lot.”

    Totally Finished With Finishing

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Children, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (My mother has just received a call for me from the department of education. They are seeking to do an interview on what I’ve done after finishing school. Instead of coming over to me and handing me the phone, she yells across the house.)

    Mother: “[Name], it’s the FBI! They want to arrest you!”

    Me: “Why? What’d I do this time?”

    The Feeding Of The Mass(es)

    | Concord, NH, USA | In-Laws

    (I am visiting my husband’s family for Easter, and we have just returned home from Easter Mass. They are Catholic, while I was raised Greek Orthodox. My sister-in-law and I are very close, and like to tease each other and joke about religion.)

    Sister-In-Law: “You’re in trouble!”

    Me: “Hmm? Why?”

    Sister-In-Law: “You took communion.”

    Me: “I wanted a cracker! I didn’t have breakfast this morning; I was starving!”

    Sister-In-Law: “You’re going to Hell!”

    (My father-in-law chimes in from the next room.)

    Father-In-Law: “We’re Catholic; we’re all doomed anyway!”

    Silver Lining’s Play Time

    | Pittsburgh PA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Theme Of The Month

    (My son has progressed past the ‘Why?’ stage, into trying to figure things out for himself. He is currently trying to figure out the rules for how to decide what to wear.)

    Son: “Why did you give me long pants?”

    Me: “Because of the weather.”

    (He thinks for a moment.)

    Son: “Because it’s cold?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Son: “Okay! Why do you sometimes wear gold jewelry, and sometimes wear silver?”

    Me: “To make sure I match.”

    Son: “And today you decided to wear silver to match your hair!”

    Spin’N'Spew

    | Myrtle Beach, SC, USA | Cousins, Parents & Guardians

    (My mother, aunt, cousin, and I go to a popular amusement park. My cousin and I want to ride a spinning whirl, so all four of us get on. As we spin round and round, my mother becomes ill. After the ride was over, my mom and aunt thinks it would be best to leave. We are at the parking lot outside the park when she has to stop.)

    Mom: “Oh, God, I’m gonna be sick!”

    Aunt: “I told you not to get on the ride with them. You know they like to spin that wheel for all it’s worth.”

    (My mother begins to gag, and has to drop to her knees by the sidewalk. So as not to see her vomit, my cousin and I turn to watch the go karts on the other side of the fencing, but we can still hear our parents behind us.)

    Aunt: “Are you going to be okay, sis?”

    Mom: *gagging* “No!”

    (As she continues to vomit, another woman appears and tilts her nose up at my mother.)

    Other Woman: “Well, I never! How could you get drunk with children around? Some people have no class these days!”

    Aunt: “Listen lady, if she could get up from the pavement, she’d tell you she’s sick from taking my son and her daughter on a ride. If you tried to say she was lying, she’d kick your a**. H***, I’ll kick your a** if you don’t start walking.”

    (The woman hurries to her car. My aunt helps my mom to her feet. The next night, she comes back to conquer the ride. She gets sick again, but she makes it to the bathroom this time!)


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