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    Dad Can Be Sickly Sweet

    | IA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I have recently started working as a correctional officer, but am still waiting for my uniform. Since I still need to work, I’ve been wearing business casual clothes. It is the next day, and I am visiting my dad.)

    Me: “I was going pass some of the cells and I heard one of the inmates ask if I was a nurse.”

    Dad: “I bet if you had said yes, they would have been at sick call the next morning.”

    In-Laws Are The Butt Of All Family Jokes

    | Seward, AK, USA | In-Laws, Siblings

    (My brother-in-law and I are having a cigarette outside when this happens.)

    Brother-In-Law: *rolling his cigarette in between his fingers* “Hey, feel my butt. It feels weird.”

    Me: “…wha?”

    Brother-In-Law: “MY CIGARETTE BUTT.”

    This Child Has No Cruise Control

    | USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (When I am around three years old, my dad gets a huge pay raise, so to celebrate, my mom, my dad, and I go on a short cruise around the Caribbean. I’m full of energy and therefore bouncing off the walls and screaming a lot, all while my mom tries to get me to stop. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door.)

    Mom: *opens the door*

    Security: “Good morning, ma’am. I heard reports of a child screaming and someone thought it was because of child abuse. Do you mind if I take a look inside?”

    (Suddenly, I knock over a phone next to the bed and the security guard looks at me.)

    Mom: “Do you want to take him?”

    Having A Whine

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My parents are having a small dinner party in the winter before my mother’s 44th birthday. I am 13 and, being a belligerent teenager, I have been badgering my mother all night to have some wine. She is getting fed up and finally yells at me.)

    Mom: “No! You cannot have any wine! You cannot drink in this house until you are 45!”

    (I moved her glass away.)

    My Dragonsister

    | Australia | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I play Dungeons and Dragons with my sister. She and I only ever get along in-game. That being said, one day we’d had a small disagreement right before we played. This happens about an hour in. Our dad is acting as dungeon master.)

    Me: “Right, so we’re settling here for the night?”

    Sister: “Just one thing first… I need to run at you with my knife.”

    Me: “What?”

    Sister: “I’m attacking you now.”

    Me: *looks at dad* “Do I at least see it coming??”

    Dad: *rolls* “You do, and effectively block. Your NPCs have now noticed as well. [Sister]‘s turn.”

    Sister: “I’ll try that again, I think. GO FOR THE THROAT!”

    (I wind up taking minor damage before the NPCs restrain her.)

    Me: *frustrated* “Please heal me now! I’m your tank! Why did you even do that?”

    Sister: *giggles* “I was bored. And heal your d*** self. I’m going to sleep.”


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