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    How To Alienate Grandma

    | USA | Grandparents

    (I have my favorite character from one of my favorite video games as the wallpaper on my laptop. Note that it is fairly obvious just from a quick glance that she’s clearly not human.)

    Grandmother: “Oh, who’s that woman on your screen?”

    Me: “That’s my character’s alien girlfriend in [Video Game].”

    Grandmother: “Alien? So what country is she from then?”

    Me: “…Space?”

    (A week later she asked me if the angel on my other laptop’s desktop was an alien robot. I now know to put generic images of bunnies and kittens on the desktop when I use my laptop around her.)

    Slash That Off The List Of Insults

    | AZ, USA | Siblings

    (My brother and I are in my dad’s truck driving down the road. My brother is five and I am ten.)

    Brother: “Hey, isn’t that where [Friend] lives?”

    Me: *being jerky* “No, you idiot-slash-jerk. He doesn’t live there.”

    Brother: *bows head, silent for a moment, then with all the hatred a five year old can muster, fists clenched on lap* “Nobody, but NOBODY calls. Me. Slash.”

    The Fruit Of My Loins

    | The Netherlands | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (The grandma of my half sister is in the hospital, dying. We are preparing to visit her for the last time. My half sister is 11 and just had sex education at school.)

    Mom: “Everyone ready to go?”

    Half Sister: “Mom, did you know a uterus is the size of a large strawberry at my age?”

    Mom: “…”

    Makes You Want To Flea

    | Dudley, England, UK | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

    (This story takes place when I am about 5 and have gone with my parents to take our dog to the vet.)

    Me: *whispering* “I think that dog has fleas.”

    (At this point, I look over at a German Shepherd and point to the bald patch on its neck. I had read online that square bald patches on a dog meant fleas.)

    Mom: “That’s a bit rude.”

    Me: “Okay.” *walks over to owner and talks loudly* “Does your dog have fleas?”

    (Needless to say, Mom and Dad never took me to the vet’s with them again.)

    Don’t Have Beef If You Like Beef

    | Germany | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My mother’s boyfriend has a really unnerving habit of jumping on bandwagons despite not actually having anything to do with the trend in question, something that has begun to annoy my sister. His latest hobby is bashing fast food.)

    Mom’s Boyfriend: “Well, if people want to eat fast food, I don’t care. They can eat that garbage, but I will not! It’s just gross what they put inside of it! It’s unhealthy!” *continues to rave*

    Sister: “…Says the guy who smokes his own weight in tobacco every day, thinks that eating anything else than steak is ‘unmanly,’ and spends his days lying on our couch.”

    (He shut up for good after that.)

    Stalling The Falling

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m very clumsy, and after falling and twisting my ankle painfully, I decide to look at the ground while walking to avoid tripping.)

    Mom: “Stop slouching!”

    Me: “I’m trying not to trip and fall on stuff on the street!”

    Mom: “You look like an old lady with a hump.”

    Me: “I’d rather look like that than twist my ankle again!”

    Mom: “Pick up your head!”

    Me: “Are you gonna pay for my medical bills when I fall?”

    (She became silent but gave me looks of disapproval.)


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