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    Share The Plumbing Bill

    | Biloxi, MI, USA | Siblings

    (My boyfriend and I are 30 and 22 respectively, and he has a 14-year-old daughter. We are visiting his uncle in Mississippi for Christmas. He and his uncle go out to get groceries while his daughter is in the shower. She texts me from the bathroom.)

    Daughter: *through text* “[My Name], can you go get my dad, please?”

    (I walk over and knock on the bathroom door.)

    Me: “Dude, your dad and [Uncle] went to the store. What do you need?”

    Daughter: “Well… could you get me a thingy?”

    Me: “A thingy?”

    Daughter: *nervous* “You know… a thingy… that some people, like women, use…”

    Me: “[Daughter], I’m a girl. You need a tampon or a maxi pad?”

    Daughter: “A pad, please. They’re in my suitcase.”

    (I get her a pad and slip it to her through the door.)

    Me: “You know, dude, I have the same plumbing as you. It’s not weird to ask for things like that.”

    (When I told her dad later, he cracked up. I’m going to teach her to call it ‘bubblegum’ from now on so she feels less awkward.)

    Needs To Work On Your Excommunication Skills

    | USA | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My family is slightly religious and rather conservative, while I am a very liberal atheist. At the moment, my parents, grandparents, little sister, and I are chatting. I’ve tuned out and am immersed in a book.)

    Grandmother: “So I’ve decided to stop going to [Church]. Everyone I know there has left so it’s not as interesting, and I don’t like the new minister.”

    Dad: “What happened to the old one?”

    Grandmother: “He got excommunicated for letting his gay son get married.”

    Me: *looks up from book* “Seriously? That’s so close-minded! Some people are just infuriating.”

    Sister: “Wait, they killed him?!”

    Me: “What? No, exCOMMUNICATED, not exECUTED!”

    (She honestly thought they’d executed him…)

    Mew-sing On Barking

    | WV, USA | Siblings

    (A stray cat has been hanging around our front door lately. We feel really sorry for it and have been trying to find it a home, but we can’t bring it inside because I’m seriously allergic.)

    Sister: “I wonder if that little kitty is out there now.”

    Me: “It is. I heard it meowing a little while ago.”

    Sister: “I wish it wouldn’t do that.”

    Me: “What do you want it to do? Bark?”

    The Bottom Line

    | IN, USA | Cousins

    (My four-year-old cousin is visiting. She is at that stage where she loves asking “why” about everything. One day, she walks into my room, despite the door being closed, while I’m getting undressed.)

    Me: “Hey, [Cousin], what are you doing in here?”

    Cousin: “Will you play with me?”

    Me: “Okay, but not right now. The door to my room was closed, and do you remember what that means? That means I’m busy.”

    Cousin: “Why?”

    Me: “Well, when I don’t want to be bothered, I close my door.”

    Cousin: “Why don’t you want to be bothered?”

    Me: “Because I’m getting dressed.”

    Cousin: “But why do you close the door when you’re getting dressed?”

    (Frustrated, I decide to use age-appropriate terms to explain.)

    Me: “Because I don’t want other people to see my bare bottom!”

    Cousin: *struggling to retaliate* “…but why… but…” *giving up* “You said ‘bottom!’”

    Headstrong Advice

    | OH, USA | In-Laws, Parents & Guardians

    (My father-in-law says he has never had a headache so he doesn’t believe they are real. I suffer from frequent, intense migraines. During one particularly bad migraine, my father-in-law says to me:)

    Father-In-Law: “It’s all in your head.”

    Me:  ”Well… duh!”


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