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    Diving Into His Own Interpretation

    | NE, USA | Cousins, Parents & Guardians

    (My father goes out of town for a family wedding. Instead of spending time with relatives his age, he decided to spend time keeping an eye on his nephew’s four-year-old daughter, my cousin. This is one of the stories he had to tell:)

    Dad: *noticing her staring at a no diving sign* “Hey you reading the sign? What does it say?”

    Cousin: “No diving bonk your head!”

    Matrix Portal

    | Finland | Sons & Daughters

    (My daughter has never seen The Matrix or played Portal, but she knows some of the lines… or so I thought.)

    Me: “Can I put [slightly embellished version of what she just said] on Not Always Related?”

    Daughter: “I didn’t say it that way. That would be a lie. Like the spoon.”

    Me: “What spoon?”

    Daughter: “The one that exists in your mind and nowhere else. The spoon is a lie!”

    Me: “No, the cake is a lie. There is no spoon!”

    Charlotte Is The Odd One

    | NJ, USA | Siblings

    (I never plan on having kids but my sister wants a big family when she’s older so I often horrible names for her.)

    Me: “You should name your future kid Elizabeth, and then I can call her lizard!”

    Sister: “How about no?”

    (Later.)

    Me: “Oh, I know! If you marry someone with the last name Dactyl then you have to have a daughter named Tarah. Like Pterodactyl!”

    Sister: “You want me to name my child after a dinosaur?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    (The next day.)

    Me: “I know another name!”

    Sister: “I swear if you want to name my kid after another reptile…”

    Me: “I was going to say Charlotte, but okay.”

    Sister: “Ah yes, my three children, Lizard, Pterodactyl, and Charlotte. Thank God you’re never having kids!”

    Have No Pool


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    I’m Singeing In The Rain

    | IL, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am away at college and this is over texting with my mother. The weather was predicted to be above 60 for the next few days, which is unusual for IL.)

    Mom: “Did you buy an umbrella today?”

    Me: “No, I didn’t buy an umbrella today.”

    Mom: “Oh well. At least it’s warm out if you get soaked tomorrow.”

    Time To Hit The Books

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I have a very painful, ingrown toenail on my big toe. I’ve been treating it with antiseptics and epsoms salts and it’s been getting better, slowly. One day I hear the phone ring and ring, so I jump out of bed and dash out the door to get it. My toe smashes against a pile of hardcover books and bleeds and bleeds and bleeds.)

    Me: “OWWW OWWWW OWWWW!” *falls to the floor, crying*

    Mom: *comes by* “What happened?”

    Me: “WHO PUT THOSE BOOKS THERE?!”

    Mom: “They are your books, so I thought I’d put them there…”

    Me: “Next time, put them on my BOOKSHELF!”

    (My toe bled so bad that my mom took me to the doctor, where I had to have surgery to fix the wound. I had to pay a big fee to the doctor to fix. Not once did mom apologize.)


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