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    A Little Soft-White Lie

    | Sydney, Australia | Children, Parents & Guardians

    (As a child, my father always tells me things, which as a child I believe without question. The ice-cream truck comes around every day during Christmas holidays, playing his music—it’s summer here during Christmas.)

    Me: “Can I please get an ice-cream?”

    Dad: “No, if the ice-cream truck is playing music, it means he is out of ice-cream.”

    Me: “Okay, dad.”

    (For years, I believe him. All of my aunties and uncles think I just don’t like ice-cream, because when I visit them, and the ice-cream truck comes around playing his music, I never ask for one! I now use this on my friend’s kids; payback is so sweet!)

    Have Yourself A Very Slender Christmas

    | VA, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Siblings

    (My sister and I are watching ‘A Nightmare Before Christmas’ while I’m video-chatting my partner.)

    Sister: “It’s Slender Man!”

    Me: “What? No!”

    Sister: “He fits the legends!”

    Me: “Slender Man doesn’t have a face.”

    Sister: “Oh.”

    Me: *to partner* “My sister just called Jack Skellington, Slender Man.”

    Partner: *slowly horrified* “…no.”

    Her Head Is Up In The Clouds, Part 2

    | UK | Parents & Guardians

    (It’s Christmas, and the entire family is over for lunch. We’re all talking about random things when the subject of iTunes comes up; specifically, iCloud.)

    Mum: “It’s really clever how they do that.”

    Me: “Do what?”

    Mum: “Attach a satellite to a cloud in the sky…”

    This Is Making Her Very Cross

    | NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (It’s about 7 am, a few weeks before Christmas. My sister, who normally doesn’t wake up until 9 am, has been called into her retail job early. She’s still a little tired and very annoyed.)

    Sister: “I hate Christmas so much. I want to shoot whoever invented the idea.”

    Dad: “Well, they crucified him…”

    Not Going To Be A Virgin White Christmas

    | Bemidji, MN, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My parents have just picked me up from college to bring me home for Christmas break. My dad is notorious for making teasing/trolling one-liner remarks, and my mom is always on my case to attend Zumba with her. Coincidentally, the place where her Zumba group meets is in the back room of a bar.)

    Mom: “You should go to Zumba this week. I won’t be able to go, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”

    Me: “I’d really rather not go alone. I don’t know anyone there.”

    Mom: “Sure you do!”

    (My mom lists off a few people I only know by name.)

    Mom: “Don’t worry. Everyone’s really nice and they’ll make you feel welcome.”

    Dad: “Yeah, especially when they pull back the curtain and let the drunk old men watch.”

    Me: *without missing a beat* “Only if I can accept tips.”

    (My dad is left speechless, and my mom starts laughing.)

    Mom: “Yeah, honey. She’s gotta pay for college somehow.”

    (My dad mutters something under his breath while my mother and I give each other a high five and keep laughing.)


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