(I’m about 5 years old, and have been having terrible nightmares. I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming.)
 
Mom: *runs in* “What’s wrong, cookie?”
 
Me: “The ghosts are gonna get me.”
 
(My mom runs out of the room, and comes back with a squirt bottle with ‘Monster Juice’ written on the side. She hands it to me.)
 
Mom: “Here. Just shoot the ghosts and monsters, and remember the most important thing.”
 
Me: *sniffling* “What?”
 
Mom: *states very matter-of-fact-ly* “If it don’t pay rent, it don’t live here!”
 
(Since then, I’ve never been afraid of ghosts or monsters.)

(My wife’s cousin, having grown up in Israel, is almost wholly unfamiliar with Christianity. We are playing a card game that in part involves artefacts taken from throughout history. She receives a card with the text ‘Crown of Thorns, originally worn by You Know Who’.)
 
Cousin: “Is this talking about Voldemort?”

(My mother’s family holds a reunion every two years at a campground. One semi-regular tradition is a talent show of sorts. My gregarious Texan aunt always gets her children to sing.)
 
Uncle: *as MC* “…and now Kelly will sing for us!”
 
(As she makes her way forward, her mother stands up.)
 
Texan aunt: “She’s 26, single, and a natural blonde!”
 
Sister: “Wrong audience, auntie!”
 
Related: From NotAlwaysRomantic.com
Putting The Relation Into Relationship, Part 4
Putting The Relation Into Relationship, Part 3
Putting The Relation Into Relationship, Part 2

(I am on a bus with my younger brother. As we get off, we spot his ex-girlfriend. I am sad to see that, in stark contrast to what she used to look like, she is now dressed extremely trashy, with ripped tights, see-through clothes and far too much make-up.)
 
Me: “Did you see your ex on the bus? I couldn’t believe the way she was dressed!”
 
Brother: “Yeah.” *sighs* “Why couldn’t she have dressed like that when we were going out?”

(My family and I are sitting around a table outside a caravan on holiday in Paris. I’m 12, and my sister is 3. She has been blowing bubbles, and creates a huge one which she manages to rest on top of the bottle of bubble fluid. She carries it over, sits with us, and speaks in a low voice.)
 
Sister: “I shall now be reading your fortune.”
 
Mum: “Okay, what’s happening in my future?”
 
(My sister waves her hands mysteriously over the giant bubble.)
 
Sister: “You will have a nice new car.”
 
Mum: “Good news!” *points at my 6-year-old brother* “And how about your brother?”
 
(My sister waves her hands over the bubble again, looks up, raises an eyebrow.)
 
Sister: “He is going to win a football match.”
 
Brother: “Yay! What’s going to happen to [me]?”
 
(My sister begins to wave her hands over the bubble again, at which point it disappears. For a second, her eyes open wide with shock. She looks me straight in the eye with a serious expression.)
 
Sister: *in a matter-of-fact tone* “Well, she’s going to pop.”
 
(Without another word she stands, picks up the bottle and solemnly walks away.)