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    Dark Valentine’s Is The New Black

    | NY, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (My daughter has been bullied by a girl in her class. It is now Valentine’s Day and my daughter is making cards for everyone in her class. When she gets to the bullies card I see her scribbling a black heart.)

    Me: “Uh, [Daughter], who is that card for?”

    Daughter: “[Bully].”

    Me: “Why did you make her a black heart?”


    Me: “…You know what? Go for it!”

    (She actually gave the card to her!)

    Not Always Friendly

    | The Philippines | Siblings

    (My mom, younger sister, and I are all visiting the dentist’s office. My mom and I are already being seen to, so my younger sister is left outside. When we are done, we walk back outside to see my sister chatting with a friend of my mother’s, so we join them. After several minutes of talking and catching up, the friend leaves, and my sister’s face changes from smiling and happy to spectacularly grumpy. It is such a drastic change that my mom is immediately concerned and asks her what is wrong.)

    Sister: “I had to be FRIENDLY. I HATE being friendly! Do you have any idea how hard it was being friendly?”

    (She sounded so disgusted that all my mom and I could do was burst out laughing. My sister was already 20 years old at the time.)

    That Behavior Is Just Not Cricket

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

    (When I am 11 I discover a baby snake under our doormat one day and decide to keep it for a pet. My mother’s not too pleased.)

    Mom: “It’s poisonous and it’s going to bite you! You’ll die!”

    Me: “I already checked: it’s not.”

    (I check and find out that it eats crickets, so I go outside to catch it some. Problem is, the only ones I can find are big, nasty ones, so I catch one and put it in with my new snake in a cage.)

    Me: *to self* “Maybe I should kill the cricket… Nah, no need. I heard snakes like to eat their food alive, not mashed.”

    (I figure that nature will take its course and the snake will kill and eat the cricket, but I wake up and find out the other way around happened. My poor snake is partially eaten and the big nasty cricket is hopping around like mad.)

    Mom: “What happened?!” *realizes* “Oh, my god!”

    Me: *crying sadly* “My poor snake! Stupid cricket!”

    (My mom tried to hold back laughter but failed, and dad came to find mom laughing hysterically and me mashing the cricket to death, crying bitterly. He decided we’d lost our minds and made a beeline for the door!)

    Not A Very Close-Knit Family

    | CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am browsing yarn in my local craft store, and a little girl brings a large skein of it to her mother, who is in the next aisle.)

    Mother: “No, honey, put that back. That’s for knitting. We don’t knit. We can barely get dressed.”

    Laugh In The Face Of Death

    | Platteville, WI, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My fiancé and I are watching a TV show, and our year-and-a-half-old son is sitting on his lap. A main character is losing a battle to the villains, and says, ‘as long as I’m breathing, I’ll never give up!’ The villains start attacking him again, and as the camera fades away, our son waves at the TV and cheerfully says ‘bye bye!’)

    Fiancé: “That was kind of morbid.”

    Me: “I don’t think he expects [Character] to make it…”

    Causing A National Stink

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Children, Parents & Guardians

    (My cousin and I are grocery shopping at our local store. We pass a family in the cheese section. My cousin is wearing a shirt advertising a Quebecois festival, as we are Quebecois.)

    Child: “Mommy, why does this cheese stink so much?”

    Mother: “Sometimes cheese has to sit for a long time and it gets smelly, sweety.”

    Father: “Uggh. The French stink.”

    Cousin: “He better have been referring to the cheese.”

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