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    Careful When Expressing Yourself

    | Australia | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I’ve just introduced my boyfriend to my parents for the first time. This conversation occurs once he’s gone home. My family has a weird sense of humour, mainly coming from my dad.)

    Mum: “He’s very sweet.”

    Dad: “Quite a vacuous expression on him, though.”

    Me: “Just how I like ‘em!”

    Dad: “Where did you develop a taste for vacuous expressions?”

    Me: *without missing a beat* “I’m guessing I inherited it from mum.”

    (Mum burst out laughing. Dad just sighed in defeat.)

    Mentally Scarred For Life

    | NY, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (My father is recounting my birth to me right before Mother’s Day. I was born via C-Section in a well-known and respected local hospital.)

    Dad: “Did your mother show you the scar where they cut her open and ripped you out like an alien? It was great! And then they took a giant staple and stapled her back together. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen.”

    Mom: “Remember how you were joking that they would use a staple remover to take them out and then they actually did?”

    Dad: “Yeah! If I had known that this was how surgery was done I would have done it in my office!”

    Spice Up Your Life Before Death

    | KY, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I have a condition where anything even mildly spicy will make me sick. This is after my dad has been to the store.)

    Me: “Dad… you do know this is Sriracha Teriyaki sauce, right?”

    Dad: “So?”

    Me: “Um… that means it’s going to be pretty spicy.”

    Dad: “Oh, don’t worry about it. Once we cook the fish you won’t notice it.”

    Me: *reading the ingredients* “Jalapeños… roasted cayenne pepper…”

    Mom: “You’ll notice it.”

    Dad: “Oh…”

    Presently Tense About The Sauce

    | Lancaster, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I walk into the kitchen and see my mom sitting at the computer with an apparently empty can of cranberry sauce and a spoon.)

    Me: “Did you just eat a can of cranberry sauce?!”

    Mom: “No…”

    Me: “…”

    Mom: “…”

    Me: “Are you currently eating a can of cranberry sauce?”

    Mom: *eats another spoonful of cranberry sauce*

    Literally Baby On Board


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