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    Hunchbacks And Centaurs And Elves, Oh My

    | CA, USA | Siblings

    (My two older sisters and I are setting up to play a board game where you can get married, get a job, and have kids. There are little plastic people representing yourself and your family that sit in little plastic cars. Sometimes we like to play as fictional characters. Sister #1 happens to really like Legolas and Tauriel from ‘The Hobbit.’)

    Me: “[Sister #1], are you gonna play as yourself or as Legolas?”

    Sister #1: “I’ll play as myself.” *pause* “Am I allowed to have two spouses?”

    Me: “I guess. Why?”

    Sister #1: “I want to marry both Legolas and Tauriel.”

    Sister #2: “I’m marrying a centaur.”

    Me: “Fine. I’m gonna marry Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

    (My mom, who has been sitting nearby, speaks up.)

    Mom: “I never thought I would hear my children say that.”

    Love Is Fluid

    | FL, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My three-year-old daughter comes running up to me.)

    Daughter: “Mommy, I want something to drink.”

    (I grab her and hug her.)

    Me: “Do you love me?”

    Daughter: “Yes.”

    Me: “Really?”

    Daughter: “Yes!”

    Me: “You really love me?”

    Daughter: “No. I want something to drink.”

    Swear By Respect

    | CT, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

    (My younger sister has recently come home from a religious retreat. She and my mom are arguing about my sister being allowed to swear.)

    Mom: “No! You shouldn’t swear. I don’t care if you do it with your friends, but you shouldn’t swear around adults! No one will respect you.”

    Sister: “But adults swear around me!”

    Mom: “Name one.”

    Sister: “Besides you, Dad, and [My Name]?”

    Mom: “[My Name] isn’t an adult.”

    Sister: “Yes, he is. He’s 21!”

    Mom: “Oh, yeah. Fine, name someone outside of the family who has sworn in front of you.”

    Sister: “The priest!”

    Mom: “What?”

    Sister: “The priest at the retreat today dropped the ‘a-word.’ And I can’t think of someone who gets more respect.”

    (My mom just kind of stood there stammering. I had to leave the room because I was laughing so hard.)

    My Family And Other (Stuffed) Animals

    | IN, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I am having a conversation with my future stepson when he is about eight years old. My future wife and I are taking a trip without him.)

    Me: “Is there anything you want us to bring back for you?”

    Stepson: “I want a stuffed animal!”

    Me: *looking at his top bunk which is completely overflowing with stuffed animals* “You are a stuffed animal junkie.”

    Stepson: *indignant* “My animals are NOT junk!”

    Related:
    My Family And Other Animals, Part 4
    My Family And Other Animals, Part 3
    My Family And Other Animals, Part 2
    My Family And Other Animals

    Driving In The Car-Fool Lane

    | ND, USA | Siblings

    (I had hip surgery when I was 19. I couldn’t drive the ‘kid’s car’ for three months, so my sister was the sole driver. When I start driving again the car won’t go over 10 mph, and is bucking and jolting. My dad and I open up the hood and find that the spark plugs have been worn down and there is no oil in the engine. She also put two dollars worth of diesel gas into it because, at that time, it was cheaper.)

    Me: “[Sister], didn’t you notice anything was wrong with the car?”

    Sister: “I thought if it died, Dad would buy us a new one.”


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