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  • Beat You To The Punch

    | Hanover, PA, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (We’re coming out of a major restaurant chain, and my daughter and I are discussing the frequent-diner punch-cards they give out.)

    Me: “Yeah, I used to have six or seven of these. We’d come in and spend enough to fill one up, but I always had better coupons, so I never used them. Come in; punch one out. Come in; punch one out…”

    Son: *coming around the corner* “Who are we punching for discounts now?”

    Breaking Bad Isn’t Broken In

    | USA | Siblings

    (My sister has a short attention span and forgets things a lot, even things that you’ve only just told her. It’s early in the morning.)

    Me: “Oh look, Bryan Cranston is going to be in the new Godzilla movie!”

    Sister: “Who’s Bryan Cranston?”

    Me: “You know him. He was Hal in Malcolm In The Middle and Walter White in Breaking Bad.”

    Sister: “Oh yeah, him!”

    (Not even two hours later, this conversation takes place.)

    Me: “Huh… it says here that Bryan Cranston is going to be in Kung Fu Panda 3.”

    Sister: “Who?”

    Me: “I told you the last time you asked that. He was in Malcolm In The Middle and Breaking Bad.”

    Sister: “Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

    (Then later that night…)

    Me: “Huh, Bryan Cranston is trending on Yahoo. I wonder why?”

    Sister: “Who’s Bryan Cranston?”

    Me: “HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO ASK ME THAT?!”

    Sister: “Oh, wait, yeah. I remember who he is now… He’s that guy from That 70’s Show and Robocop, right?

    Me: “…”

    The Painful Path Of Feminism

    | England, UK | Parents & Guardians

    (My mother and I are discussing feminism in a jokey way.)

    Me: “Woo, feminism!”

    Mum: “Protest inequality! Burn the bras!”

    Me: *meaning that not wearing a bra is painful after a while* “No, that would hurt.”

    Mum: “No, no, no. You take the bra OFF first, doofus.”

    Potential Insults Are Relative

    | Australia | Parents & Guardians

    (My mother worked retail for many years and was taking an order for a customer.)

    Mother: “Can I have your last name please.”

    Customer: “It’s Dick.”

    Mother: *looks up* “And you look like one, too.”

    Customer: *splutters* “Excuse me! What did you just say?”

    Mother: *dawns on her what it just sounded like* “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that you look like my cousin [Full Name].”

    Customer: “I am [Full Name].”

    (Neither of them had seen each other for years!)

    Rabid About Rabbits

    | Bee Cave, TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (For my whole life I have had an obsession with rabbits, and my whole family knows it. It was so bad when I was little my Mom couldn’t take me shopping around Easter because I would cry and throw a fit. I have been married for a couple years and am spending the afternoon with my Mom. We have just walked into the store and it is early March.)

    Me: “Wow. You know, Mom, it’s getting to be that time of year. You could—”

    Mom: *interrupting me* “No, they don’t want to all come home with you. Don’t even think about it.”

    The Bitter Taste Of Hypocrisy

    | USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

    (I’m visiting my aunt and eight-year-old cousin for the weekend. My aunt is browsing the Internet for a new recipe.)

    Aunt: “Look, here’s an interesting type of curry. It even has coconut milk in it. I think I’ll make it tomorrow.”

    Cousin: “I don’t like coconut milk!”

    Aunt: “Well, I’m still making it and you’re going to eat it.”

    Cousin: “But—”

    Aunt: “No buts. You’re eating it.” *looks at recipe* “Oh, there’s zucchini in this. I hate zucchini! There’s no way I’m making this now.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Aunt: “What?”


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