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    Mental Mental Conditioning

    | Germany | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m mixing together a deep conditioner for my hair. I use vanilla-scented body lotion in it, so it smells of vanilla. My mom’s boyfriend is watching TV in the same room.)

    Mom’s Boyfriend: “That stuff smells like vanilla pudding.”

    Me: “Yup.”

    Mom’s Boyfriend: “I wonder if it tastes like that.”

    Me: “I have no idea… Know what? I’ll try.”

    (I dip my finger into the bowl and lick it.)

    Me: “You’ll never believe me, but it tastes like lemon. I wonder why?”

    Mom’s Boyfriend: “Really? Let me try!”

    (He does the same as I did.)

    Mom’s Boyfriend: “Lemon. That’s weird.”

    (My mother enters the room.)

    Mom: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Taste testing my conditioner. You wanna try, too?”

    (She didn’t try.)

     

    Totally Sworn Off Swearing

    | AL, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (Although I am 22 and nothing in my upbringing prevents me from swearing, I have a habit of using G-rated alternatives, much to the amusement of my friends and family. At this moment, I am searching for a specific type of paint in my family’s crafting supplies.)

    Me: “Hey, Mom, have you seen the glitter spray paint recently?”

    Mom: “Last I saw, it was in one of the buckets on the top shelf.”

    Me: “I’ve searched those for the better part of a half hour now!” *flings hands into the air, pointing to the top shelf* “I give up on you, bucket!”

    Mom: *stares at me*

    Me: “What?”

    Mom: “Sorry, I thought for a second my adult daughter finally progressed to PG-13 language. My bad.”

    A Poker-Face Slap

    | Germantown, MD, USA | Children, Friends, Sons & Daughters, Theme Of The Month

    (We have friends over and are playing ‘Settlers of Catan.’ In ‘Settlers’ you use different resources like sheep, wheat, wood, brick and ore to build roads, settlements and cities. You can trade cards with other players to get what you need. My daughter, who is just beginning to talk, is sitting in my husband’s lap.)

    Friend #1: “I’d like to trade a brick for a sheep. Does anyone have a sheep?”

    Most Of Us: “No.”

    Daughter: *looking at my husband’s hand* “Baaaaa!”

    Husband: *face-palm*

    (A bit later we are playing ‘Pit’ where you do very fast trades of different commodities with other players until you get all of one commodity. One of them is cattle. My daughter is now in my lap.)

    Friend #1: “Come on! I want cattle!”

    Daughter: *pointing to my hand* “Moooo!”

    (Thankfully she has now grown to be a great gamer, even teaching her little sister!)

    The Game Comes With Complimentary Back-Stabbing

    | NJ, USA | In-Laws, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (It is New Year’s Eve, and my brother-in-law is over to hang out with us and wait for midnight. We’ve started playing ‘Risk: Godstorm’ and have gotten into a very silly mood, as the game devolves into an unpredictable mess fairly quickly.)

    Me: *having to look up the rules yet again* “Hey, it says here ‘Table talk, including alliances, threats, coercion, whining, pleading, backstabbing, invocation of the divine wrath of your ancestors, and other verbal tirades, is not only allowed but also encouraged.’”

    Husband: *picks up one of the figurines representing his army and waggles at his brother* “Your mother was well-hung!”

    Brother-In-Law: *responds in kind with one of his figurines* “Why, thank you!”

    Me: “But you’re brothers…”

    Brother-In-Law: “That’s how I knew it was a compliment!”

    (The game did not get any less chaotic from there.)

    When Kids Grow Up It Wounds Me

    | IN, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My four-year-old daughter comes in for lunch after playing outside. She has a largish but superficial scrape on her knee.)

    Me: “Uh-oh! Did you get a boo-boo?”

    Daughter: *sighs* “Mommy, I’m not a baby. You don’t have to call them boo-boos.”

    Me: “Well, what should I call them?”

    (She grins evilly.)

    Daughter: “Call them WOUNDS!”


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