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    A Whole New Class Of Weirdness

    | The Netherlands | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My one-year-old son can’t talk yet, but he likes to communicate with his four-year-old sister. He’s making faces, hoping she’ll catch on.)

    Me: *to my son* “You’re an utter weirdo.”

    Daughter: *to me* “Yes, [Brother] is an utter weirdo. And I’m only a normal weirdo. Right, Dad?”

    The Sacrifices You Make For Family

    | KY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters, Theme Of The Month

    (My parents are in the middle of updating their first floor.)

    Me: “I need to use the restroom.”

    Mom: “You’re not going upstairs, are you?”

    Me: “I can use the bathroom down here? But it doesn’t have a mirror!”

    Mom: “What are you planning on doing in there?”

    Me: *deadpan* “Ritual animal sacrifice. I have a goat I’ve been holding onto.”

    Mom: *doesn’t miss a beat* “You’ll have to do that outside. We just got the floors redone.”

    Me: “You never let me do anything!”

    Painting A Strange Picture

    | NY, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Siblings

    (My boyfriend likes to paint my back with washable kids’ paint, and I let him because it’s soothing. One day we’re staying at his brother’s home. It’s late, and I am lying on my stomach on the bed while my boyfriend sits on my back with his paints. Neither of us are wearing shirts. His brother comes in without knocking.)

    Brother: “Hey, we’re gonna watch a movie—”

    (He stops and stares at us.)

    Boyfriend: “It’s not what it looks like. I swear.”

    Brother: “Whatever. As long as you keep your pants on, I’m cool with it.”

    Forever Young, Part 2

    | Aptos, CA, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Grandparents

    (It’s the morning of my grandmother’s 79th birthday. She immediately calls up my aunt.)

    Grandmother: “[Aunt], am I 79 or 80?”

    Aunt: “You’re 79, Mom.”

    Grandmother: “Oh, thank God!”

    Forever Young

    Locking Death’s Door

    | MA, USA | Siblings

    (My sister and I are ten and eight years old respectively. We constantly argue and annoy each other, especially during car rides.)

    Me: “I’m going to throw you in the ocean!”

    Sister: “Well, I’m going to throw you in the ocean with cement blocks on your feet so you can’t swim away!”

    Me: “Well, I’m going to bring a saw and cut away the cement and then I’ll poison you!”

    Sister: “Not fair! You can’t bring a saw! I’m going to switch drinks and you’ll be the one being poisoned!”

    Mom: “Will you both stop it! I’m going to put you both in your bedrooms and throw away the key!”

    Sister & Me: “But our bedrooms don’t lock!”

    Mom: *bangs head on steering wheel in frustration*

    Sister & Me: “Haha! We won this round!”

    Mom: “Well, at least you can agree on something…”

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