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    He’ll Be Saying Mating For Life

    | Israel | Aunts & Uncles, Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (I’m about six. I read a lot for my age, and have just learnt about the birds and the bees – in very scientific terms. I’m at my uncle’s house and have just come into the living room to see a steamy scene on the TV.)

    Me: “Look, uncle! That man and woman, they’re mating!”

    (To this day I have no idea how my uncle managed to keep his cool.)

    Can’t Specify Where The Specs Are

    | MT, USA | In-Laws

    (It has snowed a lot the past few days, and it is still snowing. My father-in-law has just come inside from checking on the rabbits and is looking perplexed. My mother-in-law is in the living room putting away the last of the Christmas decorations.)

    Father-In-Law: “I lost my glasses.”

    Mother-In-Law: “How do you do that? You did that last week shoveling snow!”

    Father-In-Law: “Yeah, but I found them!”

    Mother-In-Law: “Well… did you have them on when you went outside?”

    Father-In-Law: “Yeah, but I can’t for the life of me figure out where I took them off.”

    (Just a few minutes later, he holds up a package of ramen for my hungry niece.)

    Father-In-Law: “Here’s the ramen.”

    Mother-In-Law: “Oh, you found your glasses!”

    Father-In-Law: *reaching up, taking off the glasses, and looking at them, absolutely confused* “Huh, I have no idea where I got these…”

    Still Crappy With Timing Though

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I receive an email from my mother:)

    Mother: “I’m much better at handling stress than I used to be. Sorry about your childhood.”

    Not Quite Peanuts About Hygiene

    | IN, USA | Siblings

    (It’s summer. Our house is hot, even with air conditioning, so we’re all forced to wear shorts. My 12-year-old brother is fixing himself a peanut butter sandwich. He scoops out a huge glob of peanut butter that slips off the knife, but he quickly catches it on his leg.)

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Gross! But nice catch.”

    Brother: “Thanks!”

    (He proceeds to scrape the peanut butter off his leg and put it on his sandwich.)

    Me: “Wait, you’re not going to eat that, are you?!”

    Brother: “After that save? You bet!”

    (He takes a bite as I look on in horror.)

    Brother: “Victory is delicious!”

    Best To Just Stop Thinking

    | MD, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (A close family friend of ours had her naturalization ceremony a few days ago. I’ve referred to her as my big sister for my whole life, despite being an only child. I’ve studied Latin for several years.)

    Dad: *to mom* “Our oldest American daughter is on the phone.”

    Me: *having misheard* “Did you just say your ONLY American daughter just called? Because… I DO exist, y’know!”

    Dad: “No. Really?”

    Me: “Cogito—” *Latin for ‘I think’, the beginning of the famous saying, ‘I think therefore I am’*

    Dad: “— You only think? Yeah, I’m not buying it.”

    Me: “Cogito ERGO SUM!”

    Dad: “Well, some-WHAT, at any rate.”

    Me: “As long as you’re still gonna pay for college, I’m good with that.”

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