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    Don’t Lose Sleep Over It

    | QLD, Australia | Siblings, Themed Giveaway

    (In Australia, we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving or anything like it. Even so, most people know about the holiday through TV and movies. I am 21 years old and unmarried, with absolutely no boyfriend of any kind.)

    Me: “Man, I had the weirdest dream last night!”

    Brother: “Yeah?”

    Me: “I was dreaming that I’d married some American guy and moved there, but forgot all about Thanksgiving, so my mother-in-law was tearing into me. Then, my ten-year-old kid came home from school crying because everyone else did awesome stuff on Thanksgiving and he had to do homework. Weird, right?”

    Brother: *perfectly serious* “That wasn’t a dream. This conversation is. You still have to wake up and explain yourself to everyone. Shame on you; that’s like forgetting Christmas.”

    Puns On Cue

    | Surrey, England, UK | Parents & Guardians, Themed Giveaway

    (My brother is in sixth form, which is where a high school and a college share the same buildings. There is a small block at the school that is exclusive for sixth formers.)

    Brother: “Hey, Mum! Dad! The common room in the sixth form block has a pool table!”

    Dad: “I bet that gets a queue every break time.”

    (Mum snorts, and my brother facepalms.)

    Dad: “What?”

    Mum: “C-U-E and Q-U-E-U-E!”

    Dad: “Oh…”

    Driving In The Generation Gap

    | CT, USA | Children, Grandchildren, Grandparents

    (I am about six years old. My grandma and I get out of the car and are walking into the mall. She’s closer to the sidewalk and I’m closer to the road.)

    Me: “Grandma you need to switch sides with me. Mommy said I need to walk on the inside so I don’t get hit by a car.”

    Grandma: “But what if Grandma gets hit by a car?”

    Me: “That’s okay. You’ve already had kids!”

    Trying To Improv-eyes

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | Spouses & Partners

    (My husband is incredibly forgetful, and always forgets to put on his glasses. His eyesight is terrible. I am chopping vegetables in the kitchen one night when he walks in without his glasses.)

    Husband: “Honey, can I help you with the vegetables?”

    Me: “No, you’re not even wearing your glasses. You can’t see.”

    Husband: “Aw, honey, I’ll be fine. See, I can do it!”

    (He grabs the knife and tries to cut a tomato, but misses and cuts his own finger instead.)

    Me: “I told you that you can’t do it without your glasses. Go put some Neosporin on that.”

    Husband: “But I’m telling you: I can do just fine without my glasses.”

    (He stumbles out of the kitchen, whacking his head on the wall and tripping over the dog.)

    Me: “…yeah, okay, Mr. Incredible.”

    Making His Parents Certifiable

    | Staten Island, NY, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My six-year-old son has skipped school due to a bad cold. Later in the afternoon, when we go to school to pick up his big brother, we are met by my son’s classmates.)

    Classmate: *to my six-year-old son* “Where were you today? Don’t you know you’re the ‘student of the month?’”

    (My son starts grinning evilly.)

    Son: “Wahahaha! Just as I thought! Did you hear that, Mommy? I’m student of the month and I was even absent! Wahahaha! These teachers are so easy!”

    (My son lets out lots of annoying victory laughs all the way home. He started wearing the ‘student of the month’ pin on his chest ever so proudly. Then he made copies of his certificate and posted them all over the apartment: one on every door, another one right in front of the toilet bowl, and another one by the sink just so nobody missed his big news.)


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