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    Didn’t Pencil In A Surprise

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom and I are waiting at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Since we know it’s going to be a long wait, we’ve brought number puzzles to pass the time. We know each other very well and can often predict each other’s actions. When one of us has correctly predicted something, we usually tell the other.)

    Me: “I forgot a pencil. Do you have an extra?”

    Mom: *holding a purple pencil and a silver pencil* “Pick whichever one you want.”

    (Though I would normally pick the purple pencil, I take the silver one. My mom takes the other without looking at it.)

    Mom: “I knew you were going to take the purple one.”

    Me: “You mean the purple pencil that you’re holding?”

    Mom: *looking down at her pencil* “Oh. I guess I should have checked first.”

    Not Leaving Behind A Good Legacy

    | ON, Canada | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m male, an only child, and have just introduced my boyfriend to my parents for the first time. While my parents have always been very accepting of my sexuality, this is the first time it’s become ‘real.’)

    Dad: “Well, he seems like a nice kid.”

    Me: “Yeah. Thanks for being so nice. I’m glad you’re okay with me dating a guy.”

    Dad: “Why wouldn’t we be? We’ve never had a problem with gays or lesbians. Why would we start now? We have gay friends!”

    Me: “I don’t know. I figured it might be different when it’s your own son. Lots of parents are upset that they might not get grandchildren.”

    Dad: *laughs* “Oh, don’t worry about that. If you decide you want kids someday, there’s ways, but we don’t need grandchildren to be happy.”

    Me: “Really? I think you’re the first father to say something like that to his son.”

    Dad: “Actually, your mom and I never understood why people are so obsessed with their ‘genetic legacy.’ The idea that you need to create the next generation for your life to have meaning is a bit self-centered and creepy, if you ask me. Your mom’s the same way. Heck, the only reason we had you is by accident!”

    Me: *stunned* “Um…”

    Dad: *realizes what he just said* “Uh, well… Yeah. You know we love you more than anything, and we’re very proud of you. It’s just that we never really wanted to have any kids, you know?”

    Me: “…”

    Dad: “That didn’t sound any better, did it?”

    Me: “Not really.”

    Those Are Christmas Lights


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    This Family Has Gone To The Dogs

    | Tulsa, OK, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I just came home from work. It had just rained earlier and the ground is still fairly muddy. My roommate is outside with all three of our dogs plus her one-year-old son, and my whole property is surrounded by a chain link fence. As I get out of the car this happens:)

    Me: *looks at all the dogs plus the kid, realizing that they’re all really dirty at this point* “You realize all four puppies are going to need a bath tonight, right?”

    Roommate: “Four?! But we only have three dogs!”

    (Without missing a beat the kid drops down to all fours, looks up at his mother.)

    Kid: “Woof Woof!”

    (It took me five minutes to stop laughing.)

    Always Second Best

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (My divorce was several years in the past, and I bring my fiancé to meet my parents at Christmas.)

    Mother: “[Fiancé]?”

    Fiancé: “Yes?”

    Mother:“I just want you to know … I mean, [My Name]’s father and I want you to know…”

    Fiancé: “Yes?”

    Mother: “We just want you to know how much we miss [My Name]’s first husband!”

    Fiancé: *blank silence*

    Not In The Best Moo-d

    | CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My dad has called me to ask if I need anything from the store. He’s a little hard of hearing.)

    Dad: “I’m on my way to the store. Do you need anything?”

    Me: “Yes. Get me some milk.”

    Dad: “What?”

    Me: *louder* “Milk!”

    Dad: “WHAT? I CANT HEAR YOU!”

    Me: “MILK! MOO JUICE!”


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