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    Very Merry Perry

    | Malaysia | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My father, mother, sister, and I are in the car. They have just finished playing Katy Perry on the radio.)

    Father: “There’s Katy Perry and Christina Perry.”

    Sister: “There’s also The Band Perry.”

    Father: “So many Perrys!”

    Sister: “There’s also Tony Perry.”

    Me: “There’s also Perry the Platypus.”

    Mother: “There’s also Nando’s Chicken Peri-Peri.”

    Sister: “I was going to say that!”

    Father: “Me, too!”

    Pretty Stupid In Pink

    | CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am a 25-year-old woman. I have VERY simplistic tastes when it comes to clothing. My mom and I have just left a store where I got a new belt. While the belt fits, it’s not quite what I had in mind.)

    Me: “I hate women’s clothing and accessories. I don’t understand why women need all the sparkles, fur, detailing, bows, and all that other crap.”

    Mom: “Because it’s pretty!”

    Me: “No, it isn’t. It’s stupid.”

    Mom: “You are so not my child.”

    Literally Barking Mad

    | NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My family has a 14-year-old hound who is now mostly blind and deaf and very senile. Occasionally he will step out of the garage where he sleeps and release deep, booming barks at nothing.)

    Mom: “What is he barking at this time?”

    Me: “Nothing, as usual.”

    Brother: *voicing dog* “No! Don’t you see? The space cats have joined up with the lawn gnomes and are attacking the house with cheeseburgers! Run!”

    Can’t Bleat That Argument

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Grandparents

    (I am playing the Xbox 360 version of ‘Minecraft,’ so the game is displayed on our big HD television. My 90-year-old grandfather walks into the living room and starts watching me. I’m working on my house and hallway. As I’m deconstructing the house, a few blocks are left to float awkwardly in the air.)

    Grandfather: “Why aren’t those things falling?”

    Me: “Those are wood planks. They don’t fall.”

    Grandfather: “Oh, yes, they do. And I’ve had the broken toe to prove it!”

    (At this point I finally turn to look at him.)

    Me: “Yes, but this is a video game, where you’re silly Earth physics don’t apply. In the world of Minecraft, logic doesn’t matter. The only truth is that sheep are always stupid.”

    (I turn back to my game. As if on cue, a sheep had spawned in the center of my half-built house. It lets out a loud bleat, and I scream. My grandfather walks away chuckling, apparently happy with my explanation.)

    Out Existential-ing Each Other

    | Providence, RI, USA | Siblings

    (I am texting my sister about a party that we will be attending. My sister sometimes likes to try to be difficult.)

    Me: “Are the two of you going to be there?”

    Sister: “Define ‘be there.’”

    Me: “Exist not here.”

    Sister: “Define ‘exist.’”

    Me: “To have a series of correlated particles in a particular region of the space-time continuum.”

    Sister: “Wow. Touché.”

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