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    Can’t Stomach The Drive Home

    | OR, USA | Nephews & Nieces

    (My mom and I are talking about going to a well known and wonderful German restaurant. My younger nephew, who is 19, says he has never been to a German restaurant, so my mom and I decide to take him. We have fondue, spaetzle, cheesey bread, and my nephew orders a steak-like dish for himself. Halfway through the meal we decide to order dessert and take the rest home. I can’t finish my large brownie and my mom can’t finish her crème brule. My nephew, who finishes his entire meal, eats a large chocolate cheesecake slice. On the way home we aren’t surprised to learn my nephew has a stomach ache. Worse still we are stuck in road construction.)

    Nephew: *groans pitifully*

    Mom: “I know, sweetie. I’m going as fast as I can.”

    Nephew: *another groan* “Why didn’t we take the back-way home?”

    Me: “This is the back-way.”

    Nephew: “Why didn’t we take the highway? No one knows about that!”

    (Mom and I start laughing and apologizing as he continues to moan in pain.)

    Mom: “Honey, we’re coming to the end of the road construction. Do you want me to turn off to the bowling alley so you can use the bathroom?”

    Nephew: “No, I can make it home.”

    Me: “It’s another 45 minute drive.”

    Nephew: “Bowling alley! Bowling alley!”

    Using Taboo To Discuss Taboo

    | PA, USA | Nephews & Nieces, Siblings, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (We’re playing a game of Taboo, where each player has to get their partner to guess a word or phrase without using certain other words as hints. The phrase on the card is ‘food chain.’)

    My Niece: “A lion is at the top of a…”

    My Brother: “Tree!”

    (Later in the same game. the word on the card is ‘luck.’)

    My Wife: “The Irish have a lot of…”

    Me: “Drunk people!”

    No Longer With Child

    | UK | Children, Grandparents

    (My grandmother and I are waiting at a bus stop. In front of us are a group of teenage boys and a young woman, maybe in her mid-20s. While we are waiting, the woman suddenly gives the most horrified gasp I have ever heard and runs off in the direction of the shops.)

    Teenage Boy: *snickers* “Bet she forgot her lipstick.”

    Grandmother: “Bet she forgot her child.”

    Teenage Boy: *gives her a weird look*

    (A few minutes later, the woman returns – pushing a stroller with a small baby sitting obliviously inside. The boys’ mouths fall open in astonishment and the woman is red-faced and keeps her head down as she lines up again.)

    Grandmother: *to me* “I did the same thing to your mum once.”

    Wax And Then Really Wane

    | Tucson, AZ, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My older daughter is six years old.)

    Daughter: “Mommy, I blew out the candle.”

    Me: “Oh, thank you.”

    Daughter: “And it made some juice, so I poured it down the drain.”

    Me: “You… what?” *swearing and running to check the drain*

    (She had poured a bunch of candle wax down the drain.)

    Old Eggs: The President Killer

    | Tucson, AZ, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I am having a conversation with my husband and our three-year-old daughter.)

    Dad: “Ketchup is a vegetable. Well, that’s what Ronald Reagan said, but he’s dead.”

    Daughter: “Daddy! Did you kill him?”

    Dad: “No! He died of old age.”

    Daughter: “Oh, old eggs? He eated old eggs?”

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