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    Bitten By The Hand That Feeds You

    | UT, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

    (I’m cuddling my seven-month-old son as part of his bedtime routine. For weeks, he used to wake up ready to play at 3 am, so I used to tell him I was going to bite his bum if he didn’t go back to sleep.)

    Me: “Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite, and I won’t bite your bum tonight if you do what’s right. If you don’t do what’s right, I’ll bite!”

    Might Have A Bone Of Contention With That

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Children, Siblings

    Little Sister: “I know the name of most of the bones in the body, and by most, I mean 15.”

    Me: “Good jo— Wait, aren’t there 206 bones in the body?”

    Little Sister: “Yep!”

    A Hairy Situation With A Colorful Solution

    | Eugene, OR, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Siblings

    (At this point, my brother has not met my boyfriend. My boyfriend is ginger, with red hair, pale skin, and freckles. He knocks on the door and my brother answers.)

    Boyfriend: “Hi. Is [My Name] there?”

    Brother: *yelling* “Hey, [My Name], a weird ginger kid is here to see you!”

    (My hair is a rat’s nest and I haven’t changed my clothes in three days. I do NOT want my boyfriend seeing me like this. My brother pushes me out the door.)

    Brother: “Go talk to the weird ginger kid. Go talk to the weird ginger kid.”

    Me: “No, please, my hair—”

    (He pushes me outside and locks the door.)

    Boyfriend: “Uh, hi. Do you want to come to a party at [Friend]‘s house?”

    Me: “Sure, just let me take a shower.”

    (I get my brother to let me in after I tell him I talked to the ‘weird ginger kid.’ Once I get inside:)

    Me: “That ‘weird ginger kid’ was [Boyfriend]!”

    Brother: “Well, how was I supposed to know that?”


    Metal Defector

    | Oxford, England, UK | Parents & Guardians

    (My dad is a big fan of the indie singer-songwriter ‘Passenger.’ When he likes something he tends to spend quite a lot of money on it so I’m not surprised when he orders his whole back catalogue online. He brings some of the CDs when he comes to visit me.)

    Dad: “I bought you something; I didn’t like this one so I thought I’d give it to you.”

    (He chucks a ‘Passenger’ CD on my coffee table. A week later I get around to playing it and quickly figure out the problem, so I phone him.)

    Me: “I think I might have worked out why you didn’t enjoy that Passenger CD.”

    Dad: “It was pretty strange.”

    Me: “So, fun fact: Passenger is the name of both a singer-songwriter AND a Swedish metal band from the 90s…”

    (It turned out he thought that it was just an album from the artist’s ‘experimental phase’ and had listened unhappily to a good few songs before admitting defeat!)

    Endowment Empowerment

    | UT, USA | In-Laws

    (My mother-in-law has just given my two-month-old son a bath and is getting a diaper on him.)

    Mother-In-Law: “One thing I really remember about [My Husband] was that even as a baby he was so well endowed down there.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Mother-In-Law: “Really, it was so strange to see a baby so… big… and endowed.” *to my son in a baby voice* “I guess you didn’t get that from daddy, but maybe it’ll happen.”

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