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    When The Market Crashes

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (As my sister is leaving for the summer, we have my birthday dinner at a nice restaurant a few weeks early. My dad is facing the bar at our table and keeps making comments about the younger crowd.)

    Dad: “I’m glad that I’m out of the dating scene and off the market.”

    Me: *to my sister, quietly enough so my dad can’t hear me over the noise* “Well, I’m sure they’re glad for that, too.”

    Dad: “What did she just say?!”

    Won Half The Battle

    | UK | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

    (I am bisexual, and had already came out to my mother a few months ago. My father, who is divorced and lives in Bristol, visits my sister and me during the holidays. I am nervous about coming out to him, as he can be more conservative than my mother.)

    Me: “Dad, I have something to tell you…”

    Dad: “Let me guess. You’re gay?”

    Me: “Actually, I’m bi.”

    (My dad pauses for a while. I am trying not to flee to my room.)

    Dad: “Well, I guess that means you’re half as likely to get pregnant!”

    (He smiles at me. I am trying not to cry as I smile back.)

    Me: “Actually, Dad, you don’t need to worry about that. I never want to get pregnant!”

    Kids Can Keep You On Your Toes

    | New Zealand | Children, Siblings

    (I’m sitting in-between my little sisters who are five and seven. Most of the plane is silent.)

    Little Sister #1: “If humans had x-ray vision we wouldn’t need windows. We could just see through the walls!”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “That’s right.”

    Little Sister #2: “Yeah. When they design the new humans they should have x-ray vision and make it so that the warm drink can go to your toes.”

    Me: *confused* “What?”

    Little Sister #2: “You know, when you have a hot drink, like a hot chocolate, and the warmness spreads across your chest? They should make it go down to your toes because they are always cold!”

    (This conversation went on for a few minutes and the people in the rows near us all laughed their heads off.)

    The Father Of All Comebacks

    | Greely, ON, Canada | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m shopping around with my mother after not seeing her for over a month. Note that my mother and I are very close and she and my father have been separated for over ten years. I’m also not particularly fond of my father as a result. I’m driving and my mom is in the seat beside me.)

    Me: *backing out of a parking space, muttering a little to myself* “I’ll just go this way.”

    Mom: “Why?”

    Me: “Because I don’t want to get in that person’s way. She just let me back out and I wouldn’t have room to go past her.”

    Mom: “Why?”

    Me: “I’m not about to side-sweep cars, Mom.”

    Mom: “Why?”

    Me: *recognizing my mom playing the ‘why’ game where she always asks ‘why?’ to EVERY answer* “Because I’m way smarter than Dad is!”

    Mom: *dumbfounded look* “That… was the most perfect answer ever! I can’t even say anything to that!”

    Gives New Meaning To Baby-Daddy

    | IN, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I am a mother of four and expecting my fifth, so by now my children have figured out what it means when I need to go to the hospital. We are visiting family, and my mother takes the children on a day trip. While they’re away my husband starts to feel unwell so I take him to the ER, and we find out he caught a nasty virus. Although I’d much rather stay the night with him, I decide it’s better for the children if I come home and explain directly to them what happened.)

    Five-Year-Old: “Where’s Daddy?”

    Me: “Daddy wasn’t feeling very well so I took him to the hospital.”

    Five-Year-Old: “Why?”

    (I take a deep breath, ready to explain in a child-appropriate manner, when the three-year-old interrupts.)

    Three-Year-Old: “Is he having a baby?”

    (Despite the situation, I laughed. My husband recovered fine, but in such a stressful time for all of us, I was grateful for the laughs my three-year-old gave us!)


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