A Fail Fail

| Scotts Valley, CA, USA | Siblings

(I am in the fifth grade and my sister is in the fourth. I am home sick from school and our parents ask her to stop by my classroom and get my homework from my teacher. When she gives it to me, she also gives me a piece of paper, she vaguely described as my grade. This was suspicious enough without the obvious grin on her face.)

Me: “An ‘F’? But Mrs. [Teacher] doesn’t give ‘F’s, she gives ‘No Pass’ for anything below a ‘C.’ And it’s been written on a piece of binder paper torn out of a binder. And… the ‘F’ is written backwards!”

Sister: *flees*

A Cornell Deaf Knell

| Roseville, CA, USA | Grandchildren

(I am eating lunch with my grandparents. They are in their late 80’s and my grandfather is nearly deaf. He is sharing about the time he spent at Cornell University.)

Me: “I know someone who used to work at Cornell.”

Grandfather: “Really? What did he do?”

Me: “He’s a chemist.”

Grandfather: “He does table tennis!?”

Me: “No, he’s a chemist!”

Grandfather: “Okay… What does Dennis do?”

The Beastly Gloves Are Off

| FL, USA | Grandparents

(My cousins and I have a tradition that for Halloween we all make our costumes and there will be a theme. This year it’s Disney characters. My favorite is Gaston so I make his tunic, gloves, tights, and even make a belt instead of buying one. The family is at my house for a get together and I put on my costume to show them.)

Grandma: “Oh, look at that pretty dress you made! Such a talented girl.”

Me: “Thanks, grandma. It’s my Halloween costume. I’m going as Gaston.”

Grandma: “Gaston, isn’t he a boy?”

Me: “Yeah, but I’ve got the right proportions. He’s got a big chest and little waist so it works.”

Grandma: “[Father], did you know your daughter is dressing up as a BOY for Halloween?”

Father: “Mom, she’s a big girl. She can be whatever she wants.”

Grandma: “But a BOY! That’s unheard of! She’s a girl and should be dressing up as a girl.”

Me: “Okay, fine, grandma. I’ll go put on a girl costume.”

(I go into my room and take off the gloves that go with the costume before going back out.)

Grandma: “There we go! A proper girl outfit. Such a pretty dress, too. So beautiful!”

(No one tries too hard to hide their laughter and we still talk about how the manliest part of my costume was the gloves.)


Oblivious To The Obvious

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(I just finished cooking some noodles and am about to attempt to pour out the extra water in the pot into the sink. However, it sloshes out of the sink and, as it is boiling hot, burns me quite badly. At this time I am home alone.)

Me: “Oh, s***!”

(I drop the pot, causing more water to spill, and leap backwards to avoid it, knocking into the table.)

Me: *I fully register the pain of the burn* “OW!”

(I run to the freezer and look for an ice pack, only to realize the only one is at the bottom of the freezer. I begin tossing things out of the way, rushing as fast as possible to cool the burn. Just as I mutter another swear, my mother walks in. She sees me clutching my stomach (where the burn was), swearing, kneeling on the floor, surrounded by frozen food and a puddle of water.)

Mom: *cheerfully* “Hi! How’s everything going?”

Oblivious To Stating The Obvious, Part 2
Oblivious To Stating The Obvious

A Marbelous Way To End A Lecture

| Felton, DE, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m about ten years old and have a large collection of marbles. I’ve taken to always holding one and playing with it in my hand, even when I shouldn’t. My father is lecturing my brother and me about our near constant fighting when I drop my marble and lose it in the couch.)

Me: *not realizing I’m thinking out loud* “I lost my marble.”

Dad: *completely stops his lecture and starts laughing* “I don’t know what’s worse: the fact you lost it or the fact you only had one!”

Working From Home Isn’t Working

| CO, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(I work from home, and my ‘home office’ is actually my bedroom. I live with my parents, due to the expensive housing. Like anyone, I want to not be disturbed. However, my family doesn’t appear to comprehend this, so whenever I am busy, I have put up a sign on the door requesting to not knock unless it’s an emergency.)

Mom: *knocks on the door*

Me: *to the teleconference* “One second.” *mutes the microphone* “Yes?”

Mom: “Did you run the dishwasher today?”

Me: “Is this an emergency?”

Mom: “Well I need to know before I start putting dirty dishes in there!”

Me: “Mom, this can wait. Kind of busy here.”

(Later, dad knocks, and I walk over to answer.)

Me: “Yes?”

Dad: “What’s the weather supposed to be like this week?”

Me: “Did you read the sign? I’m trying to file this electronic report.”

Dad: “What sign?”

(Right next to us, at exactly his eye level, is the sign, written in big bold letters. Yet later, my younger sister walks in and nearly gives me a heart attack.)

Me: “Yes?”

Sister: “Have you seen Anchorman?”

Me: “… I am typing up an order form here. Didn’t you see the sign?”

Sister: “I did. This can’t wait! It’s on TV tonight!”

(Note that we have DirectTV, which lets you record TV programs. When I start looking for something in town to rent and use as an office, my parents just cannot comprehend why I’d possibly want to do that when I can work from home…)

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