(It’s Christmas and my dad hands me my gift which is very obviously iPod shaped.)

Me: “Oh boy, I hope it’s a puppy!” *starts chanting* “Puppy, puppy, puppy, puppy…”

Sister: *joins in* “Puppy, puppy, puppy, puppy…”

Dad: “You two are morons.”

(Me, my dad, mum, two brothers, sister-in-law, niece, nephew and for the first time my sister-in-law’s cousin are at my dad’s for Christmas Dinner. My grandfather had passed away earlier in the year due to illness, and before we tuck into dinner my dad gives a small speech about my granddad to celebrate his memory.)

Dad: “So, we hope your watching over us. This time last year we were picking up the turkey you dropped when you tripped on the stairs.”

(My dad’s dining room is downstairs from the kitchen, and my granddad had indeed tripped with the turkey the previous year.)

Dad: “Thank you, dad. Okay, who wants what?”

(We all began helping ourselves to the various food stuff in the middle of the table, turkey, mashed and roast potatoes, sprouts etc. All except my sister-in-law’s cousin, who is looking rather pale and staring down at the table.)

Me: “It’s okay, granddad didn’t die falling down the stairs last Christmas.”

Cousin: *instantly peaks up* “Oh, thank God. For a moment I thought that’s how he’d gone.”

(I’m three and had been wanting a dog for the whole year. Finally, it is Christmas morning, and there is a green box with holes in it near the Christmas tree.)

Mom: “Open it sweetie, what’s in there?”

Me: *deadpan* “It’s a dog. Now where is my candy?”

(My family is celebrating Christmas Eve. My two little cousins, 6 and 8, are having a dispute, and my uncle tries to rebuke them.)

Uncle: “Girls, play nice. Remember, Santa’s watching!”

6-year-old: *without skipping a beat* “He’s not watching anymore. He’s already delivering!”