(I don’t normally wear makeup. My mom is trying to convince me that I would look nice with a bit of makeup.)

Mom: “You should get some makeup.”

(I stick my tongue out.)

Mom: “That’s lovely.”

Me: “Makeup won’t fix that.”

(My sister walks into the conversation.)

Sister: “Makeup won’t fix what?”

(I stick my tongue out again.)

Sister: “What? Your face?”

(My boyfriend, mom, sister and I are having dinner outside during summer.)

Me: *scratching my chest* “Ouch! I have so many mosquito bites. One just bit my boob!”

Sister: “What boob? You don’t have any.”

Mom: “Hey! Maybe with that bite you can finally fill out that bra and give your boyfriend something to look at!”

(We’re sitting in one of the study rooms, drinking tea and watching the garden. We start discussing how to best feed the birds. Note that we own a free-range cat.)

Sister: “We ought to put up a bird house.”

Mother: “Too much work. Can’t we just put the seeds on the ground? It’s stone, and doesn’t get wetter than a bird house.”

Me: “We can’t. Think of the cat!”

Mother: “Why? The cat won’t eat the bird seed.”

*awkward silence*

(To her credit, my mother got it a couple of seconds later.)

(My mother is a teacher. She is substituting for the drama teacher. My worst enemy has drama first period, and then I have choir with her second period.)

Her: *to her friend* “Man, that substitute teacher was so mean!”

Me: *leans forward* “Oh, so you’ve met my mom?”

(She never bothered me again.)

Related:
Desperate Housewives: The Next Generation

(The children are hanging out in front of the TV.)

Mom: “Don’t hit your brother.”

Daughter: “But, dad told me to!”

Mom: “And you listened?”

Daughter: “Um, yeah! It was a chance to hit my brother!”