(My brother has just came back from vacation in Virginia. Our sister in law, who is 20, sees him pull out cash to pay for the airport parking.)

Sister-in-law: “You switched your Virginia money back to Florida money already?”

Related:
Out Of State, Out Of Mind (From Not Always Right)

(A little boy and his mother enter the store. The little boy is toting a fairly good sized rock with both hands.)

Little boy: “Mama, I want one of those toys for Christmas!”

(The little boy gestures to toys on display.)

Mother: “What do you want toys for? You don’t need toys! You have a perfectly good rock!”

(I am getting my molars removed for the first time, and I’m freaking out. My sister decides to take advantage.)

Me: *to receptionist* “So, where are they going take me for the procedure?”

Sister: “A dark, scary dungeon.”

Me: *to sister* “Ha. Ha. Very funny.” *to receptionist* “How’s the dentist planning on sedating me?”

Receptionist: “Well-”

Sister: “They’re going to strap you to a table and beat you with a log until you’re unconscious. Or your teeth fall out. Whichever comes first.”

Me: *to receptionist* “How long am I going to be out?”

Receptionist: “Well–”

Sister: “Years.”

Receptionist: “Oh my God, would you stop? Your brother is turning pale!”

(My sister, toddler nephew, mother and I are all in a vehicle together. I’m 7 1/2 months pregnant.)

Sister: “Hey, what kind of birth control are you on?”

Me: *blinks* “Pregnancy? You can’t get pregnant if you’re already pregnant.”

Sister: “Wow, I can’t believe I actually asked you that.”

(A girl I am seeing suddenly breaks off contact with me without a discernible reason. My mom finds out.)

Mom: “If there’s anything I can do to help you get girls, let me know. I am a girl after all, I know what girls like. For one thing, girls don’t like guys with long hair, it doesn’t look good.”

Me: *speechless*

Mom: “Also, you should put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. You’d get a lot more girls if you just weren’t so unattractive and inconsiderate!”