(My sister is a die-hard fan of the movie series ‘Underworld’.)

Mom: “So, anyway, the news headline was–”

(A TV spot for the new Underworld movie comes on for the first time.)

Sister: “Aaaaagh!”

(My parents both jump. My dad clutches his heart, my mom covers her hearing aid.)

Dad: “Wh-wha-what’s going on?! Why’s she screaming?!”

Mom: “I don’t…” *looks at TV* “Oh, for the love of God!”

(My sister continues screaming.)

Mom: “Ow! My hearing aid.”

(The commercial ends.)

Sister: *sighs happily* “Well, that made my day. Oh, yeah, so what were you saying, mom?”

(My grandma is incredibly crazy when it comes to hockey. My family is watching the game in the living room when a player on my grandma’s favorite team gets hit.)

Grandma: *gasps* “You can’t shove someone like that! That’s not nice! This is hockey!”

(Everyone rolls their eyes. An hour later, a player on the other team gets hit.)”

Grandma: *now blood-thirsty* “Nice hit! He deserved that one!”

(The player gets up.)

Grandma: “Why is he getting up? He shouldn’t be able to get up yet! Why is he getting up?”

(Everyone stares at grandma.)

Grandma: “Oh… uh… I mean…”

(She giggles awkwardly and continues watching quietly.)

(My dad is offering the family tea, and he finally offers tea to my grandma. My grandma has a tendency to go off on long tangents over the simplest things.)

Dad: “Hey grandma, do you want tea?”

Grandma: “Tea?”

Dad: “Yes, tea.”

Grandma: “Oh, tea. I remember when I first had tea, it gave me horrible stomach problems…”

(She proceeds to go on for 20 minutes about tea and coffee, and how each affects her body.)

Grandma: “…and coffee was just as bad…and then, when I was forty…”

Me: “Oh, dear God.”

Dad: *aside to me* “I think I can assume that this entire thing was a ‘no’ from her.”

(My dad and I are having a small argument on who’s more manly.)

Dad: “I’m so much more manly than you, I opened the stupid soda bottle for you.”

Me: “Oh, please. I am so much more manly than–”

(The oven timer dings.)

Me: “Ooh, my cookies are ready!”

(My dad chuckles.)

Me: “Oh shut up, cookies can be manly.”

Dad: “Right.”

Me: “Just for that, you can’t have any.”

(I have a feeling I came out on top in the end.)

(I share a bedroom with my sister. We are playing the alphabet game instead of counting sheep.)

Sister: “I’ll go first…Alligator.”

Me: “Banana.”

Sister: “Cookie.”

Me: “Dog.”

Sister: “Euphoria.”

Me: “What does that mean?”

Sister: “Really happy.”

Me: “Oh. What comes after your word?”

Sister: “F.”

Me: “F, huh? Hmm… phone.”

*pause*

Me: “Shut up, I’m tired.”