May's Theme Of The Month: Movie Mayhem!

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Underworld Overheard

| NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(My sister is a die-hard fan of the movie series ‘Underworld’.)

Mom: “So, anyway, the news headline was–”

(A TV spot for the new Underworld movie comes on for the first time.)

Sister: “Aaaaagh!”

(My parents both jump. My dad clutches his heart, my mom covers her hearing aid.)

Dad: “Wh-wha-what’s going on?! Why’s she screaming?!”

Mom: “I don’t…” *looks at TV* “Oh, for the love of God!”

(My sister continues screaming.)

Mom: “Ow! My hearing aid.”

(The commercial ends.)

Sister: *sighs happily* “Well, that made my day. Oh, yeah, so what were you saying, mom?”

Don’t Let Grandma Give You A Puck On The Cheeks

| NY, USA | Grandparents

(My grandma is incredibly crazy when it comes to hockey. My family is watching the game in the living room when a player on my grandma’s favorite team gets hit.)

Grandma: *gasps* “You can’t shove someone like that! That’s not nice! This is hockey!”

(Everyone rolls their eyes. An hour later, a player on the other team gets hit.)

Grandma: *now blood-thirsty* “Nice hit! He deserved that one!”

(The player gets up.)

Grandma: “Why is he getting up? He shouldn’t be able to get up yet! Why is he getting up?”

(Everyone stares at grandma.)

Grandma: “Oh… uh… I mean…”

(She giggles awkwardly and continues watching quietly.)

Tea Time Until The End Of Time

| NY, USA | Grandparents

(My dad is offering the family tea, and he finally offers tea to my grandma. My grandma has a tendency to go off on long tangents over the simplest things.)

Dad: “Hey grandma, do you want tea?”

Grandma: “Tea?”

Dad: “Yes, tea.”

Grandma: “Oh, tea. I remember when I first had tea, it gave me horrible stomach problems…”

(She proceeds to go on for 20 minutes about tea and coffee, and how each affects her body.)

Grandma: “…and coffee was just as bad…and then, when I was forty…”

Me: “Oh, dear God.”

Dad: *aside to me* “I think I can assume that this entire thing was a ‘no’ from her.”

A Crumbling Defense

| NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(My dad and I are having a small argument on who’s more manly.)

Dad: “I’m so much more manly than you, I opened the stupid soda bottle for you.”

Me: “Oh, please. I am so much more manly than–”

(The oven timer dings.)

Me: “Ooh, my cookies are ready!”

(My dad chuckles.)

Me: “Oh shut up, cookies can be manly.”

Dad: “Right.”

Me: “Just for that, you can’t have any.”

(I have a feeling I came out on top in the end.)

Totally Euforic

| NY, USA |

(I share a bedroom with my sister. We are playing the alphabet game instead of counting sheep.)

Sister: “I’ll go first…Alligator.”

Me: “Banana.”

Sister: “Cookie.”

Me: “Dog.”

Sister: “Euphoria.”

Me: “What does that mean?”

Sister: “Really happy.”

Me: “Oh. What comes after your word?”

Sister: “F.”

Me: “F, huh? Hmm… phone.”

*pause*

Me: “Shut up, I’m tired.”

The Muffin Man And Me(at)

| NY, USA | Siblings

(My sister and I are wreaking havoc at the check-out counter at the local supermarket. The cashier hands my sister a bag of muffins.)

Sister: “Here, take the muffins.”

(I grab the muffins.)

Sister: “Stop being so aggressive! Stop molesting the muffins!”

(The cashier is trying to hold back the giggles and hands my sister a bag of raw meat. I grab the bag of meat out of my sister’s hand.)

Me: “Ah, no! The men carry the meat in this family!”

Sister: “Then give me the darn muffins back!”

Me: “Never!”

Cashier: *now on the verge of tears, speaking very quickly* “Your total is $20.95. Thank you, and have a nice day!”

Sister and me: “Thank you!”

(We happily leave the supermarket.)


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