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    Underworld Overheard

    | NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My sister is a die-hard fan of the movie series ‘Underworld’.)

    Mom: “So, anyway, the news headline was–”

    (A TV spot for the new Underworld movie comes on for the first time.)

    Sister: “Aaaaagh!”

    (My parents both jump. My dad clutches his heart, my mom covers her hearing aid.)

    Dad: “Wh-wha-what’s going on?! Why’s she screaming?!”

    Mom: “I don’t…” *looks at TV* “Oh, for the love of God!”

    (My sister continues screaming.)

    Mom: “Ow! My hearing aid.”

    (The commercial ends.)

    Sister: *sighs happily* “Well, that made my day. Oh, yeah, so what were you saying, mom?”

    Don’t Let Grandma Give You A Puck On The Cheeks

    | NY, USA | Grandparents

    (My grandma is incredibly crazy when it comes to hockey. My family is watching the game in the living room when a player on my grandma’s favorite team gets hit.)

    Grandma: *gasps* “You can’t shove someone like that! That’s not nice! This is hockey!”

    (Everyone rolls their eyes. An hour later, a player on the other team gets hit.)

    Grandma: *now blood-thirsty* “Nice hit! He deserved that one!”

    (The player gets up.)

    Grandma: “Why is he getting up? He shouldn’t be able to get up yet! Why is he getting up?”

    (Everyone stares at grandma.)

    Grandma: “Oh… uh… I mean…”

    (She giggles awkwardly and continues watching quietly.)

    Tea Time Until The End Of Time

    | NY, USA | Grandparents

    (My dad is offering the family tea, and he finally offers tea to my grandma. My grandma has a tendency to go off on long tangents over the simplest things.)

    Dad: “Hey grandma, do you want tea?”

    Grandma: “Tea?”

    Dad: “Yes, tea.”

    Grandma: “Oh, tea. I remember when I first had tea, it gave me horrible stomach problems…”

    (She proceeds to go on for 20 minutes about tea and coffee, and how each affects her body.)

    Grandma: “…and coffee was just as bad…and then, when I was forty…”

    Me: “Oh, dear God.”

    Dad: *aside to me* “I think I can assume that this entire thing was a ‘no’ from her.”

    A Crumbling Defense

    | NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (My dad and I are having a small argument on who’s more manly.)

    Dad: “I’m so much more manly than you, I opened the stupid soda bottle for you.”

    Me: “Oh, please. I am so much more manly than–”

    (The oven timer dings.)

    Me: “Ooh, my cookies are ready!”

    (My dad chuckles.)

    Me: “Oh shut up, cookies can be manly.”

    Dad: “Right.”

    Me: “Just for that, you can’t have any.”

    (I have a feeling I came out on top in the end.)

    Totally Euforic

    | NY, USA |

    (I share a bedroom with my sister. We are playing the alphabet game instead of counting sheep.)

    Sister: “I’ll go first…Alligator.”

    Me: “Banana.”

    Sister: “Cookie.”

    Me: “Dog.”

    Sister: “Euphoria.”

    Me: “What does that mean?”

    Sister: “Really happy.”

    Me: “Oh. What comes after your word?”

    Sister: “F.”

    Me: “F, huh? Hmm… phone.”

    *pause*

    Me: “Shut up, I’m tired.”


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